Sexy Friday – 20230811

TGIF! Football is back with almost a full schedule too! On a Friday! No doubt conditioning us for an almost full week of football from Thursday to Monday in the future. I, for one, will not fight this development.

Survival – Personal Edition

Unfortunately, that still leaves a few work days that have to be endured. Instead of putting all your effort into the actual work, though, why not put all that effort into getting promoted and paid more? Here then, are four ways to help that out.

  1. Alter Your Business Card
    1. Count the number of characters in your title. Then find an appropriate substitute for one of the words to replace it with. Make sure you match the font type and size. Then look for little tricks like replacing “Assistant” with “Director”, or “Assistant to the President” with “Assistant Vice-President”. The options are numerous, so be creative.
    2. Use a razor blade to cut out the title portion of your business card, and insert the newly printed version. Tape from the back, and make sure the entire back is taped to make it less obvious. Use packing tape here to avoid cut lines.
    3. Practice makes perfect. Modify the newly printed titles as many times as necessary to get the correct look.
  2. Use Props
    1. Carry a briefcase. Splurge on a nice leather one. I guess these days, a nice Apple laptop attache. Keep relevant documents in it, so if anyone asks you for something, you can whip it out of the briefcase to show them.
    2. Carry a fountain pen. This is rather old school, but will denote old school money.
  3. Look Busy
    1. Always wear a headset when other employees can see you. This makes you look important and necessary to be available at all times. When walking by others make sure to have a loud (and fake) conversation with your headset.
    2. Have a several piles of paper on your desk. Just poke through the LAN and print out several of them. Make sure to rearrange the pile as needed and do not have your supervisor’s or his reports’ documents there except the ones that were actually sent to you.
    3. Several times a day, start typing rapidly. Just open a blank Word doc and go crazy for a while. Keep your eyes focused on the monitor. This will show everyone that you are not only busy, but that you are well experienced in having to type fast to get work done.
    4. First In, First Out. Now the trick here isn’t to work more than 8 hours. Instead, step out midday for lunch and errands. No one is going to notice. But they will notice you are there both when they arrive and when the leave.
  4. Start Helpful RumoUrs
    1. Plant messages from headhunters. Have some friends post as phone headhunter organizations. Then have them call the main line and say they’re a fake name from a fake headhunting company. Then have them ask specifically for you by name. Repeat this process by email.
    2. Plant reference checks to HR. After hours, have your great buddies call the HR line and leave messages checking for references for you and that they’ll call back later. Make sure not to leave a callback number, of course.
    3. Make small talk with your supervisor’s assistant. At an appropriate point, bring up that you are entertaining offers from some other companies and ask their advice. Only do this if you’re sure that assistant will get word back to the boss.
    4. Talk to people in other departments. Let them know you think major changes are coming in your department and ask if they’ve heard anything about it, and what’s going to happen with your supervisor’s office.

These tactics should cause enough chaos in the office to at least be fun. But it could also give you a substantial promotion and raise.

Survival – Preseason Edition

As you’re reading this, there’s actual football like substances being broadcast on the TV. This is a short and not regular section of this series, so enjoy while you can.

  1. Immunized Packers vs Redshirt’s Existential Calf Issues
    Available on NFL Network
  2. Gigantes vs Knee Biters
    Check local listings
  3. Dirty Birds vs LOLphins
    Check local listings
  4. Grey Dicks vs Brady’s Most Recent Divorce
    Check local listings
  5. Ex-Snyders vs #ThePauls
    Check local listings
  6. Donks, WOO! vs Bidwell’s Travesty
    Available on NFL Network

Do NAWT bet on preseason football please. We care about you. Unless you’re Phil, then bet everything you have, we don’t care.

Click here to get to commenting

Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!

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Mr. Ayo
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BugEyedBoo

Take your weak shit outta here!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txef1Bl4wXQ&t=40s

bk109

Uhhh, for the younger of us what’s a “business card” ? Also g’morning all

yeah right

Morning!

Hope everything is good.

bk109

I’ve got a coffee pot in one hand, a internet-capable device in the other and fresh air so everything’s beyond good. Now, as soon as wifey goes with her sister shopping I’m expecting things to go a bit mental, but then again – I did promise my kiddos to “teach” them to drive (translation: I’ll let them steer with the tillers a bit as they did finish the books their school assigned them for summer reading 🙂 )

SonOfSpam

it’s a thing you drop in a carls jr bowl for a free burger

bk109

Since I’m a firm subscriber to the “nothing in life is free… even burgers”, this raises some serious red flags for me 😀

yeah right

Least favorite line from when management visits: “What do you need from me to make you more successful?”

Well you can start by not bothering my ass and let me do my damn job!

I’m already successful.

Sit back and stay the fuck out of El Segundo!

bk109

Yeah, manglement’s always the same it’d appear. At least ours had the good sense of paying attention to the data, so they noticed the pattern where our efficiency went way up when they just gave us a task and sodded off versus micromanaging (or worse – “providing helpful ideas”) XD Plus IT allows things to be more easily tracked, so support tickets could be handled quickly and efficiently enough that we could (in a normal week) have at least half our time devoted to the important things like procrastrinating and self-improvement, which did wonders to offset the abnormal weeks where I’ve had as much as a 400 hour workday

yeah right

During the past week my second in command rear ended a car on his motorcycle and damn near got ran over by the car directly behind them.

Second in command came down with something scary after vacation and my ass worked back to back 11 hour days because my shop is open and we’re really good at what we do.

I am dog tired.

But I’m here and life is still good and one of my best friends is still alive.

Avoid the freeways kids.

Gumbygirl

Life is good, and it’s the weekend! Here’s some sexy Friday

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yeah right

That IS pretty goddamn sexy.

Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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Brick Meathook

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BugEyedBoo

Kentucky Fried Movie FTW!

Brick Meathook

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2Pack

We have the Donks – Qards on over here.
Live!
Crappy pre season 3rd quarter open field arm tackling and all.
Feels good man… feels good…

2Pack

I wonder what the second lady is thinking about? I’m sure I could help her. Wonderful work Ayo.

ballsofsteelandfury

“I wonder if Balls wants to do butt stuff tonight?”

Last edited 1 year ago by ballsofsteelandfury
2Pack

They all know that. Not a matter of if… simply a question of when…

TheRevanchist

We all need more wholesome butt stuff in our lives.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

*holesome

TheRevanchist

*some hole

Horatio Cornblower

Going to finish ‘Righteous Gemstones’ tonight, then start ‘Reservation Dogs’, two of the best shows on TV.

I’m sure the writer’s strike won’t kill any chance of seeing similarly great shows over the next few years.

BugEyedBoo

True Detective? Garbage TV compared to Ice Road Truckers!

SonOfSpam

Gemstones is SO FUCKING GREAT.

Never seen the wampum one.

Don T

Loved the promotion guide. The card stuff was awesome. I gotta buy an Xacto. And folks promoted in offices I worked did much of the rest.

Good thing about hitting a glass ceiling: you can make a monthly occurrence of “I’m going to lunch. Have a nice weekend”. If you got a picture of your kid(s), point it towards the corridor.

Horatio Cornblower

What’s the worst that could happen?

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2Pack

The potential to start hitting on the homely chicks.

Horatio Cornblower

My wife would be thrilled.

“Yeah, whatever bud, go down to AA ball. Work your way back up and we’ll talk.”

litre_cola

Take your cuts, work on your game.

Sharkbait

I totally forgot I threw $10 on the Broncos to get over 10.5 wins this season. GET BACK IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK RUSS!

ballsofsteelandfury

You don’t like money, do you?

Don T

What is this fire in my ear!

Sharkbait

I may have been inebriated when I made the bet.

Horatio Cornblower

Absolutely painful interview between ESPN anchor and 12-year-old girl about LLWS.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

The man who invented Astronaut Ice Cream will never win the Nobel Prize. Life is tragedy.

BugEyedBoo

How about Tang?

litre_cola

WU!

Horatio Cornblower

El Segundo is going to the LLWS for California. Just a small town with a median income north of $126K. And the coach* is good friends with the drummer from The Eagles. You love a good underdog story.

*Coach actually seems like a pretty good guy.

ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah Right probably knows him

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah Right might be the coach.

Brick Meathook

El Segundo is called “Mayberry” by us nearby locals. A small town right on the ocean, its entire coast is a sewage treatment plant and a refinery. The town was named after the refinery. Along with Fullerton it is a SoCal baseball player factory.

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, they mentioned Mayberry and then mentioned some mediocre professional player from there named ‘George Brett’ or something.

Brick Meathook

More El Segundo lore:

It is bordered on the north by LAX, on the south by a giant Chevron refinery (the second Standard Oil refinery in California, hence “El Segundo”), on the west by a sewage treatment plant and the ocean, and on the east by satellite manufacturers. It was segregated until the 1960s, thus was a constant punch line for Redd Foxx on Sanford & Son. A few years ago the fire chief was arrested for serial shoplifting and it was disclosed that he was paid $300,000 annually yet only worked 30 hours a week. I get my hair cut in El Segundo.

Horatio Cornblower

Is this one of those fake towns in LA County that they focused in in S2 of True Detective? Like they only exist to give businesses tax breaks, enrich whatever corrupt piece of shit can get elected mayor, and allow industries to dump shit (literally) wherever they want?

Or has HBO lied to me?

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s Vernon. Slightly southeast of downtown LA.

HBO didn’t even capture half of the Vernon story.

Brick Meathook

Vernon is crazy. It’s got twelve residents and they’re all on the city council.

ballsofsteelandfury

And they all make a shitload of money off it.

There’s also a family relation angle.

Last edited 1 year ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Horatio Cornblower

Sounds like grounds for a drone strike.

BugEyedBoo

Right down the street from where I live is New Rome, OH. It was a nationally-recognized speed trap.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_Rome,_Ohio

That little place with the Pepsi sign in the picture makes the best coneys in Columbus.

litre_cola

That sounds like Pitcairn Island type stuff.

BugEyedBoo

Unfortunately, while S1 is one of the best series EVAR, S2 kind of sucked.

herodotus450

Why isnt it called El Doso though

Horatio Cornblower

Little League World Series is on and every year a kid gets a home run and the team in the field high-fives him as he runs around the bases and like clockwork I get a text from my son saying “I cannot imagine what you would have done to us if we had high-fived a kid who just took our pitcher deep.”

Suffice it to say that I would never have agreed to wear a mic.

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
WCS

14-2 halftime is a magically Commies/Pauls score.

Redshirt

That’s the type of score that screams “blowout baseball game” rather than “crappy football game”.

Game Time Decision

Rouge!!

Gumbygirl

Who is this meathead announcing the Cards/Donks game, lol?

Gumbygirl

Ron Wolfley. Jesus. Dumber than a box of rocks!

TheRevanchist

“Just when Twitter was getting used to Ron Wolsey’s voice…”

Now that’s some funny shit.

TheRevanchist

The local announce teams make Joe Buck look good. The Vikings guys last night made me want to throw my moonshine at the TV.

Gumbygirl

I’m pretty sure I made fun of Wolfley last year during the preseason. It’s a tradition! When we had Jaguar season tickets, the local radio team had Pete Banazak, have no clue how to spell it, don’t care. He was probably the dumbest evah. And possibly the drunkest. One day he kept saying that “he had to take his hands off” to someone. I’m pretty sure he meant hat, but I don’t speak moron.

Redshirt

NSFW: Contains Technically Racist Word that Passed Censors in the 70s and Youtube in the ’20s.

Also, can someone check the Edit button gerbil? I think it may have sprained a leg on its wheel.

Gumbygirl

We jest hafta lurn ta spel bettr.

Redshirt

…or either pre-screen Youtube videos or have all of society agree on a Blazing Saddles-like waiver on anything Archie Bunker says on All in the Family.

Don T

We held a Zoom with the pen. Superdude feels we all must axept our imperfections. Leggy AND smart.

TheRevanchist

Man City is leading the league this year in all the statistical categories. No surprise there.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, Haaland leads the Premier in goals scored?

Hang on while I make my shocked face.

King Hippo

LET’S RIDE is IMMINENT

ballsofsteelandfury

I really love butt cleavage

King Hippo

and making the BABY JEEBUS cry!!!

Redshirt

Bengals Post-Game Locker Room after they saw what Jake Browning and Trevor Siemian can do in place of Joe Burrow.

Anybody got any ideas? – YouTube

Redshirt

Something tells me these fifth and sixth string Bengals aren’t going to make it to September.

Brocky

fifth and sixth string Bengals

If they could talk, joe burrow’s knees would be chuckling nervously now

Redshirt

“Redshirt’s Existential Calf Issues”

Plantar Fasciitis isn’t something to laugh at, Ayo!

Game Time Decision

This is going to be everyone’s ff team name this year, right?

Brocky

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Seriously though, soft tissue injuries suck. I’ve been dealing with tennis elbow on and off for like a year now

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m off to go for a long walk that will end up in St. Kilda, I’ll let you know if they still talk about LitreCola.

Game Time Decision

There’s at LEAST one bartender that knows him

Horatio Cornblower

Gonna guess there’s a few bars with his picture up and a “do not serve” scrawled underneath.

Game Time Decision

He’s not like that, more they have some stories with or about him

Horatio Cornblower

Don’t ruin my “jokes” with your stupid “facts”

Brocky

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Horatio Cornblower

I believe we had a mock draft on this subject last off-season.

Brocky

Disney centric or CILFs in general?

Horatio Cornblower

Cartoons You’d Have Sex With was the topic. It was, by far, the most heavily participated draft we’ve ever had.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s finally time for those delicious Friday beers, as well-known Twitter personalities from Arizona might say.

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Now to take a big sip of this beer, scroll through Ayo’s pictures, and spit most of the beer out at the screen while my eyes bug out of my head like a cartoon character.

WCS

I actually took notes on the first half of the Stillers “game.” I think I’m just going to submit these ramblings as the official 2023 preview.

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King Hippo

How are Uncle Jack’s prosthetic hands holding up?

WCS

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So far, fine. I’m more worried some of the supporting cast he made be forced to prop up.

Horatio Cornblower

OK, Trundle.

King Hippo

I saw “Are you still using your hands?” on muted TV screen, thought NFLN was running a fleshlight ad for a second!

Redshirt

I saw them at Spencers the other day. Here I thought I’d have to drive two hours to get one so I wouldn’t bump into someone I know seeing me there. Now I can easily go to the Mall and be seen by no one!

King Hippo

Whew. No need to worry about Burrow’s owie, y’all gots Monkey Trev in town!

Redshirt
Brick Meathook

Here’s a “half-smoke,” the national dish of the Nations Capitol

It’s half beef and half pork, course ground and spiced. Previous pictures showed it with chili, this is mustard only and my preference.

This is from Weenie Beenie in Arlington, the original half-smoke slinger, long before Ben’s Chili Bowl

Only a real Los Angeles Danger Dog rivals this for culinary supremacy.

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herodotus450

You’d never get away with writing something that loving about something so phallic if a REAL president was in charge.

Brick Meathook

Hating hot dogs is like hating America, comrade.

DJ TAJ

I thought we were supposed to hate America?

Brick Meathook

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King Hippo

I don’t think Sean Clifford is taking Jordan Love’s jerb, guys.

King Hippo

Bet all the above lovelies support Donks WOO!! And are excited to see Russ sling some charm.

Dunstan

Ah, so they’re used to disappointment? My kind of ladies!

Horatio Cornblower

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