Sexy Friday – 20230825

TGIF! Happy 4th indictment week! Also, happy week 0 for JV footy, for those that celebrate.

Survival – Preseason Edition

Knee Biters vs Jerry Richardson 3/5 Memorials. CBS @ 7PM DFOST

  • Bryce Young will be playing. So there’s that.
  • This is also a week 5 preview for these two teams.
  • CAR is 0-2 this preseason and fans are predictably and unreasonably angry at the lack of offense thus far.
  • Everyone is on the LioUns bandwagon this season. I’m not Goffing to fall for that.

Evil Empire vs TITS. NFL NET @ 7:15PM DFOST

  • Wait, I’m not spending all my time researching these matchups.
  • I have better things to do.
  • grumblegrumblegrumbleLikeYourMothergrumblegrumblegrumble
  • BTW, great season preview Maestro.

Clippers vs Niners. NFL NET @ 9:00PM DFOST

  • Tweaker matchup!
  • This is also Lance’s Last Stand. (Edit: Nevermind. He’s non-gendered now.)
  • O/U on season ending Clippers’ injuries is 1.5, I’m taking the over. Herbert isn’t playing though.

Survival – Personal Edition

While it’s still nice out, it’s good to get that motorcycle out and about. Sometimes, however, you may be the subject of road rage or otherwise be chased. In such a situation a four wheeled vehicle can just run you over. Well, let’s learn how to transfer ourselves from our motorcycle to another four wheeled vehicle while in motion.

  • ATGATT. This is an acronym for All The Gear All The Time. While this will be extra helpful in the situation, the truth is every time you climb on a motorcycle is very dangerous on public roads. So, make sure you have your full complement of helmet, gloves, leathers, and boots.
  • First you need to match speed with the car you’re going to climb into. Unless you’re a professional stunt person, make sure the speeds are under 60mph.
  • Wait until you’re on a longish section of straight road with no stoplights or stop signs or traffic. Consistent speed and direction is essential here.
  • You’ll want to approach the passenger side of the car and be as close as possible to the car. Since the rear windows of most cars today do not roll all the way down, you’ll also want to target the front passenger seat. Make sure there’s adequate room on the passenger side of the vehicle on the portion of the road you’ll be attempting this maneuver.
  • Remind yourself to hold the throttle steady until you’re ready to jump. Any release of the throttle will slow your motorcycle and screw everything up.
  • Using your left hand, try to find a handle on the inside of the passenger door to grab. Don’t grab the seat belt as that will loosen with your weight. No worries if you can’t find a handle. Just brace your hand on the inside of the door.
  • Now leap far enough to make sure your torso clears the door frame. Hopefully there is someone in addition to the driver to grab you and pull you in.
  • Have the driver swerve away from your soon to be crashed motorcycle and speed up. We don’t want that motorcycle going under the rear tire.
  • If at any time during this process you aren’t going to make it, push yourself away from the vehicle and tuck and roll.

Time to ride off into the sunset safe and secure. Also, mentally prepare for the insurance fight.

Click here to get to commenting

Survival – Species Edition

Time to put the sexy in Friday!

Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!

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Mr. Ayo
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BugEyedBoo

That shitass dog of mine will swat you with her paw when she wants attention. So I’m reading, and she swatted me on my calf. “Ow, shit Phoebe, quit it!” So I feel something on my leg a minute later and go to swat the bug that I thought was on my leg. There is blood everywhere. Blood is running down my leg, I’ve got a puddle of blood in my shoe; it’s a great big mess. Little shit has punched what looks like a 1/4″ hole in my leg with her claws. So I get this bleeding stopped, and when I go back to where I was sitting there’s that damn dog, lapping up blood that’s gotten into the carpet. Jeezus Christ. Fucking dog is already a great big PITA, I don’t think we want her to get a taste for human flesh.

blaxabbath

Get her a yellow bowtie.

yeah right

Crazy week at work.
But still fun.

I’m sourcing for a temp position with my lead being out.

I’ve been in a position to hire for over 35 years and I’ve seen bad resumes before but…

My God.

You send me a typo on your resume?

You’ve lost your consideration.

There were numbered focus points that were numbered 1 through 3 and they left 3 blank.
On the resume.

Let this be the very last time I have to do this.

2Pack

I review over a hundred at times. Over half are just WTF awful.

yeah right

It’s definitely just a going through the motions type thing.

I did get a couple of quality resumes though. One with solid experience.

Nice when you can reduce the learning curve.

2Pack

I cul the herd down to the top 10% for a hiring board rating. Then we interview the top 3-5 applicants and add those scores to a hiring matrix. Cuts off any complaints when you use math and multiple experts in the process.

blaxabbath

I just see who has the best ass.

yeah right

Did I miss anything?

Ola peoples.

WCS

Guten abend.

yeah right

Wie gehts?

WCS

Sehr gut. Meine jungen Grundschule am Montag gehen. Sie?

yeah right

Ich ben traurig!

2Pack

Nope.
Ciao Buddy.

yeah right

Good to see you man.

You holding up OK in that heat?

2Pack

Killer tan and not dead yet, so life is good.

WCS

The subtitle for a Chernobyl power plant employee’s autobiography.

Gumbygirl

I’m going to read for a bit, Happy Sexy Friday!

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ballsofsteelandfury

I would still be Team Betty

Brick Meathook

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ballsofsteelandfury

On second thought

2Pack

Someone needs sum brontosaurus bone.

BugEyedBoo

Hot parasarurolophus injection.

Brick Meathook

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WCS

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Last edited 1 year ago by WCS
2Pack

A run and then breakfast.

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2Pack

I volunteer to give lady number 14 a hand, make that two, with getting those flowers in a vase where they belong.

Horatio Cornblower

I have had absolutely no urge to play fantasy football this year. So it seems like DFO’s oldest FF league, Gratuitous Simpsons References, will be going tits up. If any of the league members want to run it let me know. I will try to find my password and make you the commissioner.

I did have a great team name from something I had seen on social media: Wonka Ass Medical Condition. It was not enough.

ballsofsteelandfury

Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with tits pointing in an upward direction, but I’d kinda like to win the Gratuitous Simpsons References league before it goes tits up.

Horatio Cornblower

Wanna be commissioner?

I just have absolutely no motivation and I haven’t seen a lot of action after the draft for several years now.

If not I’ll find my password and start it up anyway. Might as well use the name.

ballsofsteelandfury

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herodotus450

Pray. For. Gratuitous Simpsons References.
It lasted longer than Sill’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at least.

King Hippo

I am hoping to sweep my auction league as Grimace Touched My Butthole.

blaxabbath

I’ll go as far as to play in it.

BugEyedBoo

Same here.

yeah right

I’m here. I’ll play if there’s a league. It’s my only fantasy football team left and that’s ok if we go in to that goodnight too.

I hope that helped.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Here’s where I went swimming this afternoon – Crofton Hills College. Really nice facility and only $5 for the day pass. Wish it was closer.

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Horatio Cornblower

Wow, I’d have a shot at not having to share a lane.

TheRevanchist

So, college girls? Make us proud, Rikki!

blaxabbath

Did you offer a guy a bite of your hot dog to use his towel?

Sharkbait

Made a manhattan while holding my new kid.

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Brick Meathook

Comment of the year!

Congrats Sharkbait!

Sharkbait

Thanks!! It’s been a whirlwind week and a half, but thats to be expected.

King Hippo

Sober parenting is what fucks kids up ,, ppl forget that!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“You should avoid flying a helicopter if you’re sloshed, and the same is true for helicopter parenting.” – Kobe’s pilot

Horatio Cornblower

“Big deal.”

-John Phillips, dribbling infant MacKenize Phillips through his legs and behind his back while shooting heroin into his eyelid.

Brick Meathook

I’m listening to a live band who are so bad they are great. They just started a song and I thought it was the best intro to “Sympathy for the Devil” since the Stones themselves, complete with Keith Richard’s complex modulations and distortions on guitar. Then they started singing and it was “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO and I realized it was actually really terrible.

WCS

This is the funniest thing I’ve read this week.

Redshirt

Camp Arm Alert! We got a 4th String QB in for Detroit!

blaxabbath

Finally! A way to show my love of the Nation without scaring customers!

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WCS

“You’re a cure fan, too?”

— Gumby

King Hippo

I love this writers’ strike just to see all the 5th-tier dreck the networks are actively advertising during teh FITBAW.

Brick Meathook

I always thought “Big Bang Theory” was written by a computer anyway. But you ain’t gonna be seeing any Breaking Bad or Mad Men caliber stuff for a while.

Redshirt

CBS is finally resorting to airing their streaming shows. Wouldn’t surprise me if the networks end up airing old shows and calling it “Retro Night”.

‘Star Trek: Strange New Worlds’ to Air on CBS This Fall (msn.com)

scotchnaut

Looking forward to Manimal, sponsored by the good folks at Garanimals.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXceQWHxcpo&ab_channel=davek70s

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Hey how come there hasn’t been a gritty reboot of Manimal?

Brick Meathook

“Manimal: Life in the Streets”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Manimal in the sheets, manimal in the streets

Senor Weaselo

Starring Kenneth Faried, of course.

BugEyedBoo

Idiot brother wanted a vanity license plate to brag about his new aortic valve. He said, “I thought of MANIMAL, but settled for COWVLV instead.” You’d better check the bloodflow to your brain, because you have problems if that was your decision.

Gumbygirl

I’m pretty sure Gumby is watching an episode of that right now. I semi-watched one with him, where somehow, someway Spock turned fully human for…reasons, and he was trying to keep it from his future MIL, who was a real bitch with Vulcan ears.

King Hippo

Scotchy and I were reminiscing about that one insane hot streak Steve Beuerlein had (1999-ish?), he was my QB the first year I played fantasy.

I still think Teddy Ballgame has a “career year” stretch like that in him.

Brick Meathook

Do you mean “the 44-year-old Steve Beuerlein” as he was called every time they mentioned him?

King Hippo

He was also a Navy man, right??

Brick Meathook

Was he? I dunno. I was an enlisted man, fuck the Naval Academy.

King Hippo

Proof positive that one can go a long way by simply not being Kerry Collins.

/was I referring to Brick Meathook or Steve Beuerlein?
//YES

blaxabbath

Underrated comment in a nation where no one SERVES anymore / running backs are devalued.

BugEyedBoo

Don’t call him sir, he worked for a living!

BugEyedBoo

Didn’t he go play on Survivor one season?

Answer: Nope, Gary Hogeboom.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, Rikki, did anyone get the puzzle song?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Sadly, no. The clue was “Furious G” which was a reference to Furious George…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRdIltdDE4A

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Which was intended to lead to this Minus The Bear song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QHP_t6H5Rg

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bums me out a little bit that nobody got it, because it was my favorite clue of the season. Ah well, nothing a few glasses of wine won’t fix.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey, we had some good fun with the topic, and given that I barely understand the puzzles, that’s what matters.

Also, I thought furious COULD have been a clue to get to Ludacris because of fast and the furious, so I thought I had a shot with Move Bitch.

Horatio Cornblower

I have never even picked up on what the clues are, never mind what the puzzle might be.

blaxabbath

I don’t even really know much music.

Gumbygirl

You would not believe ( yes you would) how long it took me to figure out where the puzzles actually were!

Gumbygirl

I thought it was on the soundtrack to Fast and Furious 6. So did Beef, he was posting some of them as guesses.

Senor Weaselo

Fun fact, it’s now a gambling website, (thanks, Yankee Stadium for giving me knowledge of shit I didn’t need!)

Redshirt

Hey, Andy Dalton is still around…and I see he’s still Primetime Andy.

WCS

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Redshirt

Even after I saw, he’s still better than what the Bengals have behind Burrow.

Give the Panthers a mid-round pick.

Best Case: He keeps the Bengals around .500 and Burrow doesn’t have to rush back until he’s 100%.
Worst Case: If Burrow can get 13 wins out of this team, Dalton can probably get you 10 or so.

King Hippo

Every year, some chuckleheads think it’s a fine idea to give Red Rocket $7-10M guaranteed. And…THAT is what they always get.

fleshwound_NPG

YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWW JERRAH GOT HIM SOME DISCOUNT BUST ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AND DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO GO TO THE STRIP CLUB

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “discount bust” I thought you were talking about what Mike Brown would order if Rob Riggle pranked him into thinking that he was being inducted to the HOF but had to supply his own monument.

King Hippo

He’d be on YouTube watching “paper mache how-to” videos.

blaxabbath

He just needs the clean piss.

King Hippo

Do you think the Red Cross has trouble raising money for this round of wildfires, because people are all liek FUCK Y’ALL, you live in Hawaii.

Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Kind of funny because one of them is a rapist, one is a rageaholic, one is a fat pathetic loser, and one is all of those things.

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Horatio Cornblower

Let’s hope Trump has at least one more thing in common with Private Pyle.

WCS

Neither made it to ‘Nam.

King Hippo

Lower left is Sam Darnold 5 months after retirement.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I was thinking he’d look more like this:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or this:

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King Hippo

Red Rocket time in CLT! (speaking of SEXY)

Brick Meathook

Them gals is nice and all, but here’s a BMW 801 supercharged radial piston aircraft engine:

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fleshwound_NPG

i see your bmw plane engine and raise you one chrysler tank engine.

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Brick Meathook

Nice! I’ll raise you a Fairbanks Morse 6-cylinder/12-piston fully blown submarine diesel engine:

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS LADY THE DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET) I CALL HER GUMBY BECAUSE SHE MIXED UP TWO THINGS THAT COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN DISTINGUISHED FROM EACH OTHER IF SHE HAD SIMPLY TAKEN EVEN A CURSORY LOOK AT WHAT SHE WAS DOING.

King Hippo

I think she might just be fucking with you, see if she can slowly drive you mad.

WCS

Dyson, Hoover, Oreck…

Horatio Cornblower

Yeah, at this point I’m pretty convinced, and impressed, that she’s doing a bit.

Game Time Decision

We’ve all confused sugar with salt
/but am curious what it was

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Look lower in the thread.

scotchnaut

Shaggy (not the detective, the other one) weighs in.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtLqmWt2h2g&ab_channel=Frequency85

King Hippo

Nice toss by Young

scotchnaut

The Lions OC Ben Johnson is a lefty and shares the same (sorta) name of an English poet from the 1500’s. I might be obligated to like him.

Brocky

So I’m at a high school game for the first time in Years because it’s senior nite and my neice is a cheerleader.

But their school is one of my old schools rivals, so I’m shit talking the student section nearby.

If you hear about a chunky guy trying to fight a bunch a teenagers, it was probably me

WCS

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(artist’s rendering)

King Hippo

Your niece got a prom date lined up yet? – Mark S., Los Angeles, CA

Brocky

She introduced us to her boyfriend earlier.

I shit talked him for not being a football player

Gumbygirl

The last time I went to a high school football game was because my nieces were cheerleaders too. It wasn’t senior night. One of them was a jr. and her sister was a freshman, but other than that, we’re twinsies!

Brick Meathook

For yinzers, here’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” by Werner Herzog, who I’ll bet you didn’t know used to live there.

(Not sure if this has a paywall, won’t know until I post it)

https://apple.news/AnvfdS2KBTJCsw5Ql8Cpnzg

ballsofsteelandfury

Picture 4 is Chef’s Kiss.

Picture 11 is unreal

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The container that the Dr. Mrs. used to obtain food for the cat while I was gone.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The container she was supposed to use:

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WCS

The real question is which vacuums were used?

Gumbygirl

Is that a picture of YOUR kitten?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, but our cat would have looked very much like that. We didn’t get her until she was almost a full adult.

Gumbygirl

My boy is a gray tabby too. He’s currently pouting because I’m not sitting the way he wants me to.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ours does that too. She’ll just sit there next to you waiting for you to arrange your lap properly.

scotchnaut

GM Lynch says he’s not going anywhere but can you trust the word of a man that traded three(!) first round picks away so that he could draft Trey Lance?

-Me, about 26 hours ago

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Galaxy brained indeed:

Lance is scheduled to make $940,000 in 2023 and has a $5.3 million salary in 2024, all of which is guaranteed. Upon trading him, the Niners will incur dead money hits of $8,361,434 this year and $5,540,956 in 2024.

Brocky

Fucking jerry Jones making me want to root for a guy named after a ham

fleshwound_NPG

if the niners go one and done this year in january, kyle and lynch gotta be blasted into the nearest solar system

blaxabbath

Commanders operate more of a Septic System.