TGIF! Happy 4th indictment week! Also, happy week 0 for JV footy, for those that celebrate.
Survival – Preseason Edition
Knee Biters vs Jerry Richardson 3/5 Memorials. CBS @ 7PM DFOST
- Bryce Young will be playing. So there’s that.
- This is also a week 5 preview for these two teams.
- CAR is 0-2 this preseason and fans are predictably and unreasonably angry at the lack of offense thus far.
- Everyone is on the LioUns bandwagon this season. I’m not Goffing to fall for that.
Evil Empire vs TITS. NFL NET @ 7:15PM DFOST
- Wait, I’m not spending all my time researching these matchups.
- I have better things to do.
- grumblegrumblegrumbleLikeYourMothergrumblegrumblegrumble
- BTW, great season preview Maestro.
Clippers vs Niners. NFL NET @ 9:00PM DFOST
- Tweaker matchup!
- This is also Lance’s Last Stand. (Edit: Nevermind. He’s non-gendered now.)
- O/U on season ending Clippers’ injuries is 1.5, I’m taking the over. Herbert isn’t playing though.
Survival – Personal Edition
While it’s still nice out, it’s good to get that motorcycle out and about. Sometimes, however, you may be the subject of road rage or otherwise be chased. In such a situation a four wheeled vehicle can just run you over. Well, let’s learn how to transfer ourselves from our motorcycle to another four wheeled vehicle while in motion.
- ATGATT. This is an acronym for All The Gear All The Time. While this will be extra helpful in the situation, the truth is every time you climb on a motorcycle is very dangerous on public roads. So, make sure you have your full complement of helmet, gloves, leathers, and boots.
- First you need to match speed with the car you’re going to climb into. Unless you’re a professional stunt person, make sure the speeds are under 60mph.
- Wait until you’re on a longish section of straight road with no stoplights or stop signs or traffic. Consistent speed and direction is essential here.
- You’ll want to approach the passenger side of the car and be as close as possible to the car. Since the rear windows of most cars today do not roll all the way down, you’ll also want to target the front passenger seat. Make sure there’s adequate room on the passenger side of the vehicle on the portion of the road you’ll be attempting this maneuver.
- Remind yourself to hold the throttle steady until you’re ready to jump. Any release of the throttle will slow your motorcycle and screw everything up.
- Using your left hand, try to find a handle on the inside of the passenger door to grab. Don’t grab the seat belt as that will loosen with your weight. No worries if you can’t find a handle. Just brace your hand on the inside of the door.
- Now leap far enough to make sure your torso clears the door frame. Hopefully there is someone in addition to the driver to grab you and pull you in.
- Have the driver swerve away from your soon to be crashed motorcycle and speed up. We don’t want that motorcycle going under the rear tire.
- If at any time during this process you aren’t going to make it, push yourself away from the vehicle and tuck and roll.
Time to ride off into the sunset safe and secure. Also, mentally prepare for the insurance fight.
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Survival – Species Edition
Time to put the sexy in Friday!
Enjoy the weekend, folks! Alright, now let’s get to the comments!
That shitass dog of mine will swat you with her paw when she wants attention. So I’m reading, and she swatted me on my calf. “Ow, shit Phoebe, quit it!” So I feel something on my leg a minute later and go to swat the bug that I thought was on my leg. There is blood everywhere. Blood is running down my leg, I’ve got a puddle of blood in my shoe; it’s a great big mess. Little shit has punched what looks like a 1/4″ hole in my leg with her claws. So I get this bleeding stopped, and when I go back to where I was sitting there’s that damn dog, lapping up blood that’s gotten into the carpet. Jeezus Christ. Fucking dog is already a great big PITA, I don’t think we want her to get a taste for human flesh.
Get her a yellow bowtie.
Crazy week at work.
But still fun.
I’m sourcing for a temp position with my lead being out.
I’ve been in a position to hire for over 35 years and I’ve seen bad resumes before but…
My God.
You send me a typo on your resume?
You’ve lost your consideration.
There were numbered focus points that were numbered 1 through 3 and they left 3 blank.
On the resume.
Let this be the very last time I have to do this.
I review over a hundred at times. Over half are just WTF awful.
It’s definitely just a going through the motions type thing.
I did get a couple of quality resumes though. One with solid experience.
Nice when you can reduce the learning curve.
I cul the herd down to the top 10% for a hiring board rating. Then we interview the top 3-5 applicants and add those scores to a hiring matrix. Cuts off any complaints when you use math and multiple experts in the process.
I just see who has the best ass.
Did I miss anything?
Ola peoples.
Guten abend.
Wie gehts?
Sehr gut. Meine jungen Grundschule am Montag gehen. Sie?
Ich ben traurig!
Nope.
Ciao Buddy.
Good to see you man.
You holding up OK in that heat?
Killer tan and not dead yet, so life is good.
The subtitle for a Chernobyl power plant employee’s autobiography.
I’m going to read for a bit, Happy Sexy Friday!
I would still be Team Betty
On second thought
Someone needs sum brontosaurus bone.
Hot parasarurolophus injection.
A run and then breakfast.
I volunteer to give lady number 14 a hand, make that two, with getting those flowers in a vase where they belong.
I have had absolutely no urge to play fantasy football this year. So it seems like DFO’s oldest FF league, Gratuitous Simpsons References, will be going tits up. If any of the league members want to run it let me know. I will try to find my password and make you the commissioner.
I did have a great team name from something I had seen on social media: Wonka Ass Medical Condition. It was not enough.
Normally I wouldn’t have a problem with tits pointing in an upward direction, but I’d kinda like to win the Gratuitous Simpsons References league before it goes tits up.
Wanna be commissioner?
I just have absolutely no motivation and I haven’t seen a lot of action after the draft for several years now.
If not I’ll find my password and start it up anyway. Might as well use the name.
Pray. For. Gratuitous Simpsons References.
It lasted longer than Sill’s League of Extraordinary Gentlemen at least.
I am hoping to sweep my auction league as Grimace Touched My Butthole.
I’ll go as far as to play in it.
Same here.
I’m here. I’ll play if there’s a league. It’s my only fantasy football team left and that’s ok if we go in to that goodnight too.
I hope that helped.
Here’s where I went swimming this afternoon – Crofton Hills College. Really nice facility and only $5 for the day pass. Wish it was closer.
Wow, I’d have a shot at not having to share a lane.
So, college girls? Make us proud, Rikki!
Did you offer a guy a bite of your hot dog to use his towel?
Made a manhattan while holding my new kid.
Comment of the year!
Congrats Sharkbait!
Thanks!! It’s been a whirlwind week and a half, but thats to be expected.
Sober parenting is what fucks kids up ,, ppl forget that!
“You should avoid flying a helicopter if you’re sloshed, and the same is true for helicopter parenting.” – Kobe’s pilot
“Big deal.”
-John Phillips, dribbling infant MacKenize Phillips through his legs and behind his back while shooting heroin into his eyelid.
I’m listening to a live band who are so bad they are great. They just started a song and I thought it was the best intro to “Sympathy for the Devil” since the Stones themselves, complete with Keith Richard’s complex modulations and distortions on guitar. Then they started singing and it was “Takin’ Care of Business” by BTO and I realized it was actually really terrible.
This is the funniest thing I’ve read this week.
Camp Arm Alert! We got a 4th String QB in for Detroit!
Finally! A way to show my love of the Nation without scaring customers!
“You’re a cure fan, too?”
— Gumby
I love this writers’ strike just to see all the 5th-tier dreck the networks are actively advertising during teh FITBAW.
I always thought “Big Bang Theory” was written by a computer anyway. But you ain’t gonna be seeing any Breaking Bad or Mad Men caliber stuff for a while.
CBS is finally resorting to airing their streaming shows. Wouldn’t surprise me if the networks end up airing old shows and calling it “Retro Night”.
‘Star Trek: Strange New Worlds’ to Air on CBS This Fall (msn.com)
Looking forward to Manimal, sponsored by the good folks at Garanimals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXceQWHxcpo&ab_channel=davek70s
Hey how come there hasn’t been a gritty reboot of Manimal?
“Manimal: Life in the Streets”
Manimal in the sheets, manimal in the streets
Starring Kenneth Faried, of course.
Idiot brother wanted a vanity license plate to brag about his new aortic valve. He said, “I thought of MANIMAL, but settled for COWVLV instead.” You’d better check the bloodflow to your brain, because you have problems if that was your decision.
I’m pretty sure Gumby is watching an episode of that right now. I semi-watched one with him, where somehow, someway Spock turned fully human for…reasons, and he was trying to keep it from his future MIL, who was a real bitch with Vulcan ears.
Scotchy and I were reminiscing about that one insane hot streak Steve Beuerlein had (1999-ish?), he was my QB the first year I played fantasy.
I still think Teddy Ballgame has a “career year” stretch like that in him.
Do you mean “the 44-year-old Steve Beuerlein” as he was called every time they mentioned him?
He was also a Navy man, right??
Was he? I dunno. I was an enlisted man, fuck the Naval Academy.
Proof positive that one can go a long way by simply not being Kerry Collins.
/was I referring to Brick Meathook or Steve Beuerlein?
//YES
Underrated comment in a nation where no one SERVES anymore / running backs are devalued.
Don’t call him sir, he worked for a living!
Didn’t he go play on Survivor one season?
Answer: Nope, Gary Hogeboom.
Hey, Rikki, did anyone get the puzzle song?
Sadly, no. The clue was “Furious G” which was a reference to Furious George…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RRdIltdDE4A
Which was intended to lead to this Minus The Bear song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9QHP_t6H5Rg
Bums me out a little bit that nobody got it, because it was my favorite clue of the season. Ah well, nothing a few glasses of wine won’t fix.
Hey, we had some good fun with the topic, and given that I barely understand the puzzles, that’s what matters.
Also, I thought furious COULD have been a clue to get to Ludacris because of fast and the furious, so I thought I had a shot with Move Bitch.
I have never even picked up on what the clues are, never mind what the puzzle might be.
I don’t even really know much music.
You would not believe ( yes you would) how long it took me to figure out where the puzzles actually were!
I thought it was on the soundtrack to Fast and Furious 6. So did Beef, he was posting some of them as guesses.
Fun fact, it’s now a gambling website, (thanks, Yankee Stadium for giving me knowledge of shit I didn’t need!)
Hey, Andy Dalton is still around…and I see he’s still Primetime Andy.
Even after I saw, he’s still better than what the Bengals have behind Burrow.
Give the Panthers a mid-round pick.
Best Case: He keeps the Bengals around .500 and Burrow doesn’t have to rush back until he’s 100%.
Worst Case: If Burrow can get 13 wins out of this team, Dalton can probably get you 10 or so.
Every year, some chuckleheads think it’s a fine idea to give Red Rocket $7-10M guaranteed. And…THAT is what they always get.
YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWW JERRAH GOT HIM SOME DISCOUNT BUST ON A FRIDAY NIGHT AND DIDNT EVEN HAVE TO GO TO THE STRIP CLUB
When you said “discount bust” I thought you were talking about what Mike Brown would order if Rob Riggle pranked him into thinking that he was being inducted to the HOF but had to supply his own monument.
He’d be on YouTube watching “paper mache how-to” videos.
He just needs the clean piss.
Do you think the Red Cross has trouble raising money for this round of wildfires, because people are all liek FUCK Y’ALL, you live in Hawaii.
Kind of funny because one of them is a rapist, one is a rageaholic, one is a fat pathetic loser, and one is all of those things.
Let’s hope Trump has at least one more thing in common with Private Pyle.
Neither made it to ‘Nam.
Lower left is Sam Darnold 5 months after retirement.
I was thinking he’d look more like this:
Or this:
Red Rocket time in CLT! (speaking of SEXY)
Them gals is nice and all, but here’s a BMW 801 supercharged radial piston aircraft engine:
i see your bmw plane engine and raise you one chrysler tank engine.
how do we make a ww2 tank engine for quick mass production? do cocaine and stuff FIVE engines into one
Nice! I’ll raise you a Fairbanks Morse 6-cylinder/12-piston fully blown submarine diesel engine:
THIS LADY THE DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET) I CALL HER GUMBY BECAUSE SHE MIXED UP TWO THINGS THAT COULD HAVE EASILY BEEN DISTINGUISHED FROM EACH OTHER IF SHE HAD SIMPLY TAKEN EVEN A CURSORY LOOK AT WHAT SHE WAS DOING.
I think she might just be fucking with you, see if she can slowly drive you mad.
Dyson, Hoover, Oreck…
Yeah, at this point I’m pretty convinced, and impressed, that she’s doing a bit.
We’ve all confused sugar with salt
/but am curious what it was
Look lower in the thread.
Shaggy (not the detective, the other one) weighs in.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtLqmWt2h2g&ab_channel=Frequency85
Nice toss by Young
The Lions OC Ben Johnson is a lefty and shares the same (sorta) name of an English poet from the 1500’s. I might be obligated to like him.
So I’m at a high school game for the first time in Years because it’s senior nite and my neice is a cheerleader.
But their school is one of my old schools rivals, so I’m shit talking the student section nearby.
If you hear about a chunky guy trying to fight a bunch a teenagers, it was probably me
(artist’s rendering)
Your niece got a prom date lined up yet? – Mark S., Los Angeles, CA
She introduced us to her boyfriend earlier.
I shit talked him for not being a football player
The last time I went to a high school football game was because my nieces were cheerleaders too. It wasn’t senior night. One of them was a jr. and her sister was a freshman, but other than that, we’re twinsies!
For yinzers, here’s “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” by Werner Herzog, who I’ll bet you didn’t know used to live there.
(Not sure if this has a paywall, won’t know until I post it)
https://apple.news/AnvfdS2KBTJCsw5Ql8Cpnzg
Picture 4 is Chef’s Kiss.
Picture 11 is unreal
The container that the Dr. Mrs. used to obtain food for the cat while I was gone.
The container she was supposed to use:
The real question is which vacuums were used?
Is that a picture of YOUR kitten?
No, but our cat would have looked very much like that. We didn’t get her until she was almost a full adult.
My boy is a gray tabby too. He’s currently pouting because I’m not sitting the way he wants me to.
Ours does that too. She’ll just sit there next to you waiting for you to arrange your lap properly.
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/38259989/qb-trey-lance-dealt-49ers-cowboys-4th-rounder
Oh.
Three firsts for a fourth rounder three years later is some galaxy brained GMing.
GM Lynch says he’s not going anywhere but can you trust the word of a man that traded three(!) first round picks away so that he could draft Trey Lance?
-Me, about 26 hours ago
Galaxy brained indeed:
Lance is scheduled to make $940,000 in 2023 and has a $5.3 million salary in 2024, all of which is guaranteed. Upon trading him, the Niners will incur dead money hits of $8,361,434 this year and $5,540,956 in 2024.
Fucking jerry Jones making me want to root for a guy named after a ham
if the niners go one and done this year in january, kyle and lynch gotta be blasted into the nearest solar system
Commanders operate more of a Septic System.