Paradise By The Dashboard Light: 2023 Carolina Panthers at the Bye (and Open Thread)

MAYHEM’S 2023 PREDICTION: “6-11. It’s not going to be a pretty 6-11 either, and without a first rounder next year, I wouldn’t hold out much hope there either.”

HOW’S THAT LOOKING?: Even Worse! The Panthers are 0-6, showing almost no signs of life on either side of the ball.

So: meatloaf. Or more accurately Meat Loaf, Jim  Steinman and Ellen Foley (perhaps best known as Markie Post’s forerunner on Night Court). And Phil Rizzuto.

I have a somewhat ambivalent relationship with the album Bat Out of Hell. The broad, pseudo-operatic grandeur assaults the senses. And sometimes you want that! But at other times it is A Bit Much.

“Paradise by the Dashboard Light” is no different: it’s long, repetitive, brash and feels very proud of it’s own cleverness. At its core, of course, it is a song of unbridled teen lust: two seventeen year-olds fooling around in a parked car and negotiating with each other (and their hormones) the terms of going “all the way”.  The Young Lady sets the condition as a promise of marriage, at which point the Young Gentleman must choose: his penis or his freedom.

I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

To his credit, the Young Gentleman follows through with his pledge. However, both now regret their decision, “[p]raying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you!”

Now, I hear you exclaim “Wise Reverend , why the fuck are you babbling at length about wheelchair rock in the middle of a football blog?”

To which I respond in 3 parts:

1. Yes, I took my meds;

2. I am setting up an analogy between the teens in the song and the Carolina Panthers: their eagerness in pursuit of immediate gratification overwhelming their sense, leading to a situation where they ultimately regret the price they paid; and

3. That hat looks ridiculous on you.

ANYWAY: the point here is that Carolina got The Blue Balls bad last offseason. And no wonder: a parade of Darnold, PJ Walker, Will Grier and The Corpse of Cam Newton would frustrate anyone.

Sitting at #9 in the Draft, it looked like they would be getting the last of the top QBs (Young, Stroud, Levis and Richardson) if they were lucky. So GM Scott Fitterererer decided to Be Bold and trade with the Bears for the absolute tippy-top draft pick.

And like Young Studley in the song, Fitterer gave up an awful lot to get what he wanted. Last year’s #9 and 61. This year’s first rounder, currently sitting at #1 overall. Next year’s second-rounder AND DJ Moore, who probably could have drawn a high second rounder by himself at the trade deadline.

Look: five games (he missed one due to injury)  into a rookie season with an inherently bad team is no time to make immutable judgments on a quarterback. And judged on the Rookie QBs Thrown Immediately to the Wolves scale, Young has not utterly failed: 63.2% completion rating (though averaging under 200 yards per game) 6 TDs, 4 INTs. With Miles Sanders injured and a bunch of That Guy receivers, he could be worse.

But that’s the problem: Throwy Smurf came at too dear a price to be “OK.”  This team is riddled with other holes, and Young is going to have to be the second coming of Aaron Rodgers in terms of elevating teammate play for them to have a chance. Because of the draft capital it took to get Young, those holes are going to have to be filled by late-round surprises and cast-off free agents. Why cast-off free agents? Because the Panthers can’t afford Premium. They are already projected at 80% of next year’s salary cap without even counting the franchise tag they may need to use on their only good player (Brian Burns). “Hoping a bunch of guys exceed expectations” isn’t really a strategy for running a team, and if Young doesn’t start flashing potential before year’s end, I would not be surprised if Fitterer gets shown the door.

Not that the rest of the team is covering itself in glory. Frank Reich has ceded playcalling duties to offensive coordinator Thomas Brown, which must hurt on a visceral level for Reich.

And oddly enough the defense- expected to remain a bulwark against disaster again this year- has been terrible. They’re giving up hunks of yardage on the ground and in the air, and getting very few turnovers. That’s not great in any scenario, but when you are last in the league in opponent’s starting field position, it’s fatal.

Is this Lions-like winless streak sustainable? Sadly, probably not. The hardest part of their schedule by far is behind them- the Cowboys, Texans and Packers are the “class” of their remaining opponents. That being said, if they manage to lose the Nov. 9 Thursday Night Toilet Bowl against the Bears’ undrafted rookie QB, they have a real chance to shit the bed all the way through to the boxspring.

Fun note: due to both Carolina and Chicago being dogshit, the Bears currently hold the #1 AND #2 picks in the draft.

REVISED PREDICTION: 4-13.

NFL NEWS:

-Anthony Richardson: likely ded. A sprained AC joint in his throwing shoulder has probably ended the Colts rookie’s campaign after parts of 4 games. Richardson has at least been interesting, and whether the rest of the season is spent on rehab or surgical recovery, it may be to his benefit. Considered the least “pro-ready” of the top QBs in the draft, Richardson should have been carrying a clipboard this season while Gardner Minshew auditioned for his next backup role.

-Rams RB Kyren Williams: ded but getting better. Surprise bright spot Williams will likely be sidelined for the Steelers game with a sprained ankle.

-Christian McCaffrey and Deebo Samuel: not as ded as expected. The Niners may have dodged several bullets, with Samuel (and LT Trent Williams) now considered day-to-day and Run CMC potentially missing only one game (if that) after a brutal day against Cleveland.

-Julio Jones: still ded, but they signed his corpse to a contract anyway. The Philadelphia Eagles signed Jones to fill the hole left by Quez Watkins’ trip to IR. AJ Brown gets reunited with his Tits teammate- let’s see if they have more success here.

-Trevor Lawrence: ded inside, but otherwise OK. Despite having knee ouchies, Flow Jr. says he may be ready for Thursday night. If not, CJ Beathard will get one more chance to beat it hard.

-Grover Stewart: suspendered! Colts nosetackle Grover Stewart (pictured)

has been suspended six games for PEDs. Low key but talented as a run-stuffer, Stewart is finishing up a three year deal. Obviously this is a big blow to Indianapolis’ ambitio…oh, wait, no.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

SABRES HOCKEY!

Tampa Bay Fuckwads vs. Most Glorious Hockey Sabres (7:30 pm Eastern, 6:30 DFO Standard). ESPN.

Yes, Buffalo has gotten off to a slow start, but NEVER DESPAIR! The Lightning are weak team born of a degenerate town, with the stink of desperation and gas-station-bathroom cologne about them. GOODNESS SHALL TRIUMPH!