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Yeah, since the season starts tomorrow (non-Korean games edition), it’s something to farm #content with. Teams will be in standings order from last season, division by division. So, without further ado, and dodging your rotten tomatoes and full alcohol containers, let’s do this so we can get to complaining in the comments:
-New owner (because Angelos sold, and then died), and then the unfortunate tragedy of yesterday: So, we should all just pencil the Orioles in for the pennant now, right?
-Considering we are once again underestimating them, are the Rays are gonna win 85 games and flirt with WC3 or 95 games and flirt with the division? (Because devil magic.)
-When do we see the movie, Blue Jays? Unless it was meant to be shit by the Not Ready for Primetime Players the whole time. You lost a postseason to the Twins, and that’s grounds for permanent ridicule.
-Gerrit Cole’s already out for the first two months, DJ LeMahieu’s out. How many times is this going to happen to the Yankees, except for the answer being every goddamn time for the remainder of Brian Cashman’s reign?
-Can tickets for the Red Sox homestand first weekend of June get super cheap? Asking for a friend. (I’m the friend, I’ll be in the area for a friend of Senorita Weaselo’s wedding.)
-The Twins actually won a game in the postseason. And a series! But seriously, did an SNY writer have them winning the pennant over the Yankees? Like, not gonna lie, I’d be happy for them, but, seriously.
-Could the Tigers, who’ve been the wait and see since their last pennant, make the playoffs? All it would cost was one Miguel Cabrera retirement!
-Why couldn’t the Guardians have changed their name back to the Spiders like everyone wanted? Yeah, there’s the worst team ever ignominy, but everyone knows that was because of “a lot of fucking collusion” (technical term).
-Good god, what are the White Sox doing, that they haven’t done for the majority of the last century of their existence, except for 2005?
-Speaking of what I said with the Tigers, copypaste with the Royals except they actually won a championship. Also, if they build a new stadium and don’t have a shit-ton of fountains we riot, correct?
-Can this please be the year the Astros go to Hell and/or die? Peace be upon you, and as always, Fuck Altuve.
-Hey, how many times has the reigning World Series champion gone on to host the All-Star Game? Let’s see, the Giants (1933-34) and Yankees (1938-39). So… 2, and they were back in the pre-integration era. Also, can the Rangers make it two straight? (I am of course referring to the New York Rangers following suit with the Texas Rangers’ championship, not the fact that nobody’s repeated since 2000.)
-All right Mariners, if you do this shit again you go into the Blue Jays pile of Not Ready for Primetime. So, Julio and co., how are you going to let us all down this year?
-Imagine the Angels make the playoffs without Ohtani? Spam would be hysterical.
-Can Fisher sell the Athletics? Las Vegas is the “so fetch” of MLB. I SAID FETCH, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.
-I look at the Braves and I think “considering they have everyone locked up, what can they do to tweak anything else?” You know, like perennially winning 100 isn’t enough. But in fairness it wasn’t enough for the ’90s.
-I haven’t seen Phillies new 1B Bryce Harper in 1B action. Does he remember:
-Is this the year the Marlins finally win a division title for the first time in their existence? Well, no. But I like making that joke that they have 2 World Series championships and zero division titles.
-What even are the 2024 Mets: Are they a team fully rebuilding, or a team battling for the Wild Card?
-If I had a lesser shit-ton disposable income to get into jersey collecting, I’d get a Nationals City Connect with the cherry blossoms. That’s not a question, just a note that it will be ending after this year, and Fanatics sucks. Still not a question, unless the question is, why do these new unis suck so bad, and what isn’t in the business of enshittification?
-Well, Corbin Burnes is gone, so I guess the Brewers suck again?
-Shit, does that mean the Cubs are the favorites in the Central? To the extent one can be favorited in this division.
-Elly De La Cruz: Future of the Reds or the next Aristedes Aquino? Okay, that’s a little harsh.
-Oneil Cruz: The best player named after a player of the Yankee dynasty (because Jeter Downs isn’t it, and Jasson Dominguez is named after Jason Giambi who was after that.) Uh, what was my question about the Pirates?
–Cardinals Devil Magic Redux? That’s all you need in terms of questions.
-Did Ippei take the over or the under for the Dodgers? Probably bet against him, considering all the debt.
-Hey, the Diamondbacks got Jordan Montgomery. What else do they have as an encore to last year?
-The Padres managed to hilariously underachieve last year (82-80 record but a 92-70 X-W/L), and then traded Soto for the Yankees’ pitching depth. So, how do they find a way to underachieve again?
-The Giants are gonna be good again. But dark horse division good? I mean, the Dodgers are slated to run with it again.
-The last three years the Dodgers have been thwarted in some way by the other three teams in the division. Okay, less so with the Giants who won the division but lost the NLDS. But anyway… Rockies upset the Dodgers in the NLDS? (…No.)
Okay, that’s enough taking the piss to do instead of, like, a real prediction (like the Braves over the Orioles in the WS). What’s on tonight? Baseball starts tomorrow, the Sweet Sixteen is tomorrow.
Icy Flight
Bettman Point Supreme vs. Northern-ish Florida Man (BOS vs. TBL, 7:30, TNT)
Crystal Flight? Sure, for Billy
Perennial Underachievers Invitational: Clippers vs. 76ers (7:40, ESPN)
KD’s Current Team vs. KD’s Next Team? (PHX vs. DEN, 10:00, ESPN)
Lesser JV Tourneys, aka the Search for 69 (Nice) (NIT Quarters)
Fallen Tarkanians vs. THE BIG EAST STILL GOT ROBBED (UNLV vs. Seton Hall, 7:00, ESPN2)
Mid-Major RAM IT vs. Secular Big Love (VCU vs. Utah, 9:00, ESPN2)
Yeah, it’s a light one. A veritable Smarch smorgasbord awaits tomorrow!
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