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Your Unstaggered Preseason NFL Games Open Thread

scotchnaut

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Nobody wants to watch both of these games in their entirety but that’s not the point. The point is that any time I can take a shot at the ad wizards that run scheduling, I will do so.

To The Games!

Panteros/Pats:

-this in theory would be sorta interesting to watch mid-way thru the season if you wanted to find the answer to, “Is our shitty teams learning?”

-Aiyuk was never going to sign with New England but now it’s official.

-I truly have no idea what a sans Belichick team is going to look like.

-I’m convinced that another mid-round wr draft pick (Nacua and Tank Dell) is going to splash this year so I’ll keep half a glazed-over eyeball on Javon Baker.

-Is Canales going to throw Young out there for a wee bit? Both have so much work to do that I wouldn’t be surprised. A very brief search didn’t provide any answers.

-Thing is, if Young can turn a corner Carolina can take this division because it’s completely up for grabs.

Lions/Giants:

-These fellers got mighty rambunctious during joint practice-it was to the tune of $200k combined fines levied.

-As everyone expected, Detroit ran the ball down the throat of the Giants D.

-Not expected? Daboll has embraced the “chicks dig the long ball” offense. Well, everyone knew that was his focus but that it succeeded in intramurals was an eyebrow-raiser.

-The one most responsible? A certain 1st round wr draft pick. Nickname-wise I’d like to throw out State Farm because he’s a good Naber(s). I’ll listen to other suggestions of course. Rumor has it that he caught 16 of 17 passes and it wasn’t all crossers.

-You may want to bump up Lions skill players because State Farm, Jaylin Hyatt and Darius Slayton had fun-meaning that Detroit’s secondary is still a work in progress. That makes sense because it would seems that Campbell would try to build the D from the trenches on out.

-Your late-round fantasy flier? Perhaps consider Giants rb Tyrone Tracy Jr who I think later on in the year will force a RB committee.

It’s all yours now.

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Horatio Cornblower

The kid running lead-off in the men’s 4×400 for the US is 16, just in case you didn’t feel bad enough about everything you haven’t accomplished in life so far.

1
blaxabbath

Natural talent. Speed is very hard to develop.

That’s why all the slow-twitch twiggy losers ran cross country with me.

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Horatio Cornblower

Hey! I ran cross coun…Oh. Oh right.

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SonOfSpam

Yes, same.

0
Horatio Cornblower

The secret to being successful at cross-country is being able to suffer and still push on, and no one knows suffering like a middle-class white kid from the CT suburbs.

4
SonOfSpam

I hear that. Some years my shoes were Saucony instead of Brooks.

1
Horatio Cornblower

Once, during gym, one of my teammates saw that I was wearing my cross-country sneakers and said that I shouldn’t do that, because it would wear them out, and that I should have a pair of sneakers just for gym.

I took a quick mental picture of the look on my mother’s face when I asked for money for “just gym” sneakers and then went and asked my father, who used to run marathons, and he said “yeah, makes sense, don’t tell your mother.”

Last edited 1 year ago by Horatio Cornblower
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SonOfSpam

Two things

a) Right, x-Country shoes were only for that
4) You had Gym and X-Country? For us it was one or the other

0
Horatio Cornblower

He did not do well, finishing 7th. What a jerk. Anyway, I need some more chocolate chip cookies.

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blaxabbath

Norm MacDonald’s one Trump joke was, “Americans hated Hillary Clinton so much that they voted for a guy they hated even more to lead the country, just to rub it in her face.”

1
blaxabbath

Usha Vance sent JD to sleep on the couch.

In the morning, the couch complained about how hard he was.

4
Dunstan

This is actually the reason Vance keeps saying sexist and/or racist shit: he’s hoping she’ll tell him to go sleep on the couch again.

0
scotchnaut

Ok, that is a massive crowd for a Rock Climbing event.

0
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Honest question: why are you watching preseason football? Like ever but especially when there are nonstop Olympics offerings.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There’s also an internet full of pornography and vintage couch catalogues.

4
Dunstan

Hey, found a game for WCS!

https://store.steampowered.com/app/503560/911_Operator/

3
Mr. Ayo

🔱 Up!

A walk off bases loaded double to score three!

0
Don T

If only there were a bigger market for melatonin infused gin. Makes perfect sense! Parallel unleashings of trouble AND sleepyhead hormones. No need to hide the cellphone! Seed money, pu leez.

3
rockingdog

Found a funny:

Olympic Athletes! They’re just like us! 🇺🇸 🍗

IMG_1732.jpeg
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SonOfSpam

Being a gymnast, that number is 3.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

knock it off spam nobody here is gullible enough to believe that you’re a gymnast or have ever eaten less than thirty chicken nuggets

1
rockingdog

Also they made an ACTION movie about
Civil Asset Forfeiture!!!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gF3gZicntIw&pp=ygUTcmV2ZWwgcmlkZ2UgdHJhaWxlcg%3D%3D

Hahahaha!
That looks ROCKING!!!!

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s like a Rambo remake – this will be an excellent film to watch while lifting weights.

0
rockingdog

Nice!
The NFL is about to be back!!! 🏈

That’s Rocking!

1
Don T

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3
Bogdanski

Thanks for all the recs for olympics yesterday, I wanted to get Peacock from the beginning but Mrs bogdanski has a different policy on streaming services than I do and I lost

2
SonOfSpam

I have been outvoted 1-1 many times in my house.

8
Gumbygirl

Gumby claims he has the cat’s proxy. He does not.

4
WCS

That seems like a dangerous precedent.

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, your namesake had himself a hell of a game today. That whole “whoever wants it more will win” think has been proven to be complete horseshit because I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone want anything more than Bogdan Bogdanovic wanted to win that basketball game.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Remember when we had an entire game thread filled with jokes about Britt Reid almost killing that poor girl while driving drunk? The JD Vance sofa stuff is like that except it’s the entire internet participating.

2
Sharkbait

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Last edited 1 year ago by Sharkbait
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Gumbygirl

One more couchfucker joke, because I fucking love them. Today I heard someone refer to Vance as a “Bassett Hound”

9
ArmedandHammered

I wonder if he now uses a fleshlight or sticks with his first love, the latex glove.

3
ArmedandHammered

oh shit, someone needs to send couchfucker a fleshlight shaped like a couch, and instead of a vagina it looks like the gap between two cushions.

3
WCS

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BugEyedBoo

I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.

2
WCS

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS COUCH IN JD VANCE’S RUMPUS ROOM LEMME TELL YA I CALL IT “THE WASHING MACHINE” BECAUSE IT IS FULL OF LOADS.

6
SonOfSpam

IT HAS CREAM FILLING

6
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s really good.

1
Sharkbait

Only one? These jokes will never get worn out. Unlike the sides of JD Vance’s couch cushions.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

A while back I saw someone reference Threads (Facebook’s twitter clone) and someone else asked “what’s Threads” and the someone else said “What’s left of a couch after JD Vance is done with it.”

8
Bogdanski

I love how huffy people are getting about this. Like “I can’t believe people really believe this” or “It’s such a juvenile attack”. Motherfucker nobody actually believes it, it’s the plausability that this weird ass fucker would do it. And juvenile attack? You’ve been calling people sleepy and crooked and now you’re trying tampon-Tim? Fuck off

8
Doktor Zymm

100%
Anyone who doesn’t like the couch thing has no joy in their life. And the idiots decrying it as ‘misinformation’ as if it’s in any way comparable to anti-vaxx or Qanon crap that gets people killed can go get couchfucked

8
Dunstan

“We’re gonna lock you treasonous communist pedophiles up in Guantanamo and then hang you!”

“That seems a little uncivil.”

“Ha ha fuck you you fucking snowflakes, do you need a safe space?”

“Hm. Well, speaking of fucking, you look like the kind of person who fucks his couch.”

starts bawling

6
WCS

The same types who say this is out of bounds are the same who said Obama’s tan suit was woke or some shit. They’re the type who clamied to care about Seth Rich and his family, until it the election was over. That claim “LAW AND ORDER” is tantamount while worshipping a convicted criminal, and who spent last night mocking Walz for not hugging his wife in the manner they deemed “correct.”

5
Gumbygirl

What the fuck happened to my avatar?

0
Gumbygirl

And everyone else’s?

0
scotchnaut

It’s still there for me, babycakes.

1
Gumbygirl

Never mind, it must be my craptacular phone

2
Senor Weaselo

-Fans walking out of the M. Night Shyamalan movie

3
Dunstan

Squirrel outside keeps sniffing around the cigar butt in the ashtray. Really hoping to get a good photo.

1
Doktor Zymm

comment image

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Dunstan

That guy knows how to party. Best I could do:

squirrel.jpg
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Gumbygirl

Stupid sexy squirrel!

3
scotchnaut

-Borisisnow

4
Redshirt

Holy shit! I see the Reds needed 9 innings to warm up the bats?

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Lea Thompson rules.

https://x.com/LeaKThompson/status/1821656717547225415

7
Redshirt

That goes without saying.

1
Dunstan

She is Some Kind of Wonderful

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scotchnaut

Yes she is she’s.

2
Gumbygirl

Yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeaaaaah

1
scotchnaut

Can I get a witness?

3
Gumbygirl

Talkin talkin bout my baby!

1
Doktor Zymm

Just finished an interview that I think went pretty well? Not a final round, and they mentioned ‘next steps’ at the end so that’s usually a good sign. Anyway, gonna be optimistic for now.

12
LemonJello

There are legions of henchmen that would gladly carry out your orders, Fraud Doktor.

6
ArmedandHammered

Do super villain Doctors have to carry mal-practice insurance? Or obey HIPPA privacy rules?

3
BugEyedBoo

HIPAA. Someone sends you a email, then says, “Oops, that was live data, my bad,” and you’re filling out forms all morning.

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

And taking that training. Again

1
Doktor Zymm

Hippo>>Hippa

2
LemonJello

Stupid autocorrect. That was supposed to be Frau not Fraud.

Please don’t open a trap door under me.

6
Doktor Zymm

Fraud is a perfectly cromulent supervillain activity, although I only minored in it

2
2Pack

Eye of the tiger Rocky… Eye of the tiger…

2
Redshirt

https://x.com/BallyMarlins/status/1821702940870205789

The only thing Bell is good for.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Don’t waste time with football methadone tonight, watch the Olympics. There’s some entertaining shit that went down today.

3
WCS

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herodotus450

J. Plummer in the box score for Carolina

Great googaly moogaly, my time machine finally worked! Quick, people, listen up! Put all your money in Tin! Do NOT listen to a word that criminal Benjamin Harrison says! And for the love of Christ if you meet a man named Sill, just be cool!

/turns out I was thinking about Jake Delhomme

7
Redshirt

(grabs chloroform, a goat, a camera, and a bus ticket to Mar-A-Lago)

“Time to end this evil before it starts!”

2
scotchnaut

Not gonna lie-I’m a huge fan of your total embrace of mental illness!

2
ArmedandHammered

*waves smoke away* Dude I am right there with you!

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did you guys hear that JD Vance is into Magic the Gathering? He even revealed what was his favorite card:

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1
Redshirt

JD Vance calls Dolphins the couches of the seas…which means he’d definitely ______ a blowhole if given the opportunity.

Rumors is he’s banned from the Newport Aquarium just for this very reason.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

USHA VANCE: [appears at bedroom door wearing a sexy negligee] I thought we could watch a naughty movie tonight, if you were in the mood?

JD VANCE: [holds up DVD of “Free Willy”] Way ahead of you, honey.

5
Doktor Zymm

Whodunnit?

454550106_10107123890054127_892376993406430630_n.jpg
3
Redshirt

I saw J. Plummer at QB on the Box Score for Carolina and for a second I thought I went back to the late ‘90s or early ‘00s.

1
King Hippo

Surprise of the night – Pheeeel doesn’t seem that annoying at all, without Jeeeem in tandem. The fuck is going on?

0
King Hippo

Since SO MANY imaginary people are here, please allow me to plead on behalf of myself, Scotchy, and Spam – please consider joining our keeper auction FF league (as Litre called it, “painfully complex!/math is hard”). Entrance fee is $150, I will refund half if you don’t like it, that’s how fond I am of it. We are at 9 members, and it really needs to be 12.

1
SonOfSpam

It’s honestly winnable too. Many people in the league are lawyers and therefore bad!

2
blaxabbath

I hate lawyers. I’m in.

3
scotchnaut

Look at you!

1
King Hippo

Our League really could use some Blax. And WOOOOOOO!!!!!

1
SonOfSpam

I live in Orange County, and as such am calling the police.

3
scotchnaut

Fuck it, I’ll refund the other half. I’m a few years in and I still don’t fully understand how it works.

/speaking of, Hippo-I’ll be DM’ing you soon as to your rec’s regarding which player on last year’s roster should be in the untouchable Nietzsche wide receiver category. I’ve some notions but the 10% discount after 39 days on all pro running backs that ran less than 500 yards in their freshman year in college? Very enticing. Should be 6.5%, bro. That bonus on catches that result in 10+ yards in the first six games of the season for receivers with last names from B to R? is very enticing…

2
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

This is the fantasy football version of a crazy coffee order

2
Don T

In

2
King Hippo

In? DeTomm-o DeVito, baaay-beeee

2
scotchnaut

This is the kind of Hippo-centric content that I was itching for.

/love ya, brother

1
King Hippo

oh man, that’s the good stuff. An “empty hand” rule VAR. Hook it straight into Hippo’s veins!

0
King Hippo

Scotchy looking pretty doggone smart (again) with Senor Tracy.

1
scotchnaut

That said, Singletary is going to succeed expectations-because the bar is so frickin low.

/I’ll expand on that during the Giants preview

1
King Hippo

We should all get DEI credit for learning MOAR about the Vertically Enhanced.

1
King Hippo

Is it too late for the competition committee to 86 this fuck-Darnolded kickoff rule?

2
scotchnaut

Drew Lock with the INT. Jibbly fooking bananas…

0
King Hippo

(see Hippo’s sympathies below – this is deffo who he is)

1
scotchnaut

Apropos of nothing, I love this City Nerd channel-he’s this dry humor guy that talks about well-constructed cities, yadda, yadda. This is him taking on the comments section after he posted about idiots that buy pickup trucks to drive around in urban areas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXblFO4_YQY

2
Doktor Zymm

Ok, this dude is super funny. I’m a fan now

2
scotchnaut

So glad I got one convert! I have no clue how I found him. He’s smart as hell and so frickkin’ practical about how cities might work better for their inhabitants. A breath of fresh air, as it were.

3
SonOfSpam

Gonna check out more of his stuff. Thanks!

1
scotchnaut

City Nerd: “I fully support your right to put all your cash in the middle of the street and just light it on fire.”

/another exchange

Commenter: “These trucks conform to federal regulations and therefore they’re good.”

City Guy: “I’m sure this person is extremely pro-government regulation in a very consistent way.”

2
King Hippo

A moment of appreciation – the local Fox affiliate here shows Black Panther pre-season games. Fortunately, NFLN here is showing the Fox national feed of the Vertically Enhanced Persons. GOOD JERB, Shield!

0
scotchnaut

Bob’s Furniture is going to raise its ugly head yet again when the Pats play.

1
SonOfSpam

(buys a Pats jersey)

-JD Vance

1
King Hippo

SoUrry we couldn’t coach the dipshit out of Horse Cock Lock’s quartered backing. That was…very familiar to watch.

0
scotchnaut

I CALL DREW LOCK AN AYN RAND NOVEL BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, A BAD READ IS THE FINAL RESULT.

4
Gumbygirl

Bob is creepy.

0
scotchnaut

It’s early but the Giants o-line is having trouble protecting the qb.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DtVKz0rv4cg

3
King Hippo

Just put in that OL coach, how could you get through that enormous, fat fuck.

0
Redshirt

https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/08/sport/noah-lyles-covid-200m-spt/index.html

So COVID is no longer a thing?

1
Doktor Zymm

No more so than any other illness. He’s not the first to compete after a positive test at these games, just the biggest name

2
SonOfSpam

He was HURTIN after the race, and even I could run 200 meters it wasn’t like a marathon or anything.

3
WCS

I thought it was a Chinese hoax, anyway.

0
SonOfSpam

No, they really did put pee pee in your Coke.

1
King Hippo

I tried to explain that joke (and how ubiquitous it was in the early 1980s) and my kids looked at me like I wasspeaking Sanskrit.

3
SonOfSpam

Yeah, that’s honestly half the fun. “Damn, everyone was really racist when you were kids!” Well…yes, kinda.

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We were even more homophobic!

4
King Hippo

oh my cats, yes.

2
King Hippo

We didn’t even think it WAS racist, because ain’t say nothing about Black people!

1
Doktor Zymm

And if you look back another few decades they were even MORE racist! I didn’t learn any schoolyard jokes/rhymes using the n-word for example.

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