Monday Morning Mock Draft: You Lookin’ For A Fight?

Guten Tag drones!

Today in the declining democracy that is America, we celebrate Memorial Day.  Memorial Day is the day set aside for otherwise sane adults to wake up early in the morning so that they can try to wrangle a bunch of Little Leaguers into something resembling order, thereupon to stagger in and out of formation a short distance to the local cemetery where local politicians, most of them who have never been in a bar fight, let alone seen actual combat, recite canned speeches praising those who made the ultimate sacrifice for the country.

Just me?

Our town’s Memorial Day parade starts right up the street from my house.  When my son was in Little League we’d march in the parade.  The most fun was watching the middle school marching band director absolutely lose his shit at the band kids who, being kids, were screwing around while waiting for the parade to start.  Settle down, John Phillip Sousa, no one’s expecting anything great over the .4 of a mile you’re going to be walking.

It was like herding cats.

Anyway, you can’t have a memorial if you don’t have something, or someone(s), to memorialize, and when it comes to memorializing the military, you ain’t got nothin’ until you’ve had you some battles.

So this week we’re drafting battles.  Doesn’t have to be an American battle, any old clash of forces, armies, nations, civilizations will do, but it does have to be a real battle.  Don’t go drafting the rebel attack on the Death Star and expect it to count.

Wikipedia’s gonna get a workout on this one.

With the first pick I will take the first recorded battle, The Battle of Megiddo.  Following that there link you’ll find the Megiddo was the first battle to be recorded in writing, (or more accurately, the oldest battle for which a written record survives), the first recorded use of the compound bow, and the first body count.  It is not known if the body count resulted in anyone calling Thutmose II a slut.

The Egyptians won, solidifying their hold on the Levant, and ensuring a peace in the Middle East that has lasted to this day.  Yay.

The rest of you are on the clock.

Hats off and drinks raised to our former military folks who have crossed over to the other side, Viva Tabula Raza and Gumby, as well as anyone else I missed.  You live veterans can wait your goddamn turn until November, when we celebrate Veteran’s Day by slashing the VA budget.

Now let’s go grab a goddamn snack!!*

*Grilled meat, unhealthy side dish based chiefly on mayonnaise, and several beers