Haldo, we’re back by not-that-popular demand! I’m still Senor Weaselo, and this is still House of Pain where I eat hot sauces normal sane people probably shouldn’t, because I’m neither normal nor sane!

Last time I went on about the hot sauce that started this whole shebang many years ago. This time we feature one of the sauces I bought from my trip to last year’s New York Hot Sauce Expo, a little thing called Curbstomp. Let’s go back to the videotape and see what I said about it, shall we? Or I’ll just quote it instead.

I do not know what making love to a beautiful woman is like, but I imagine the spoonful of Curbstomp hitting my mouth is somewhat similar, considering my eyes and my head both rolled back. That is not hyperbole. I got a euphoric rush from of it, feeling the heat immediately on my tongue, teetering on the cusp of overwhelming me, then felt it in the rest of my mouth and the back of my throat for the next few minutes.

I still don’t know what making love to a beautiful woman is like, but damn, that’s gonna have a lot to live up to. “That was amazing, but not as good as that first time I tried that Curbstomp sauce.” And then I imagine I will be murdered and there won’t be a jury in the world that would convict her. I mean, I wouldn’t convict her, I deserved it.

Yeah, I’m going on a tangent again, I do that. So… background time:

Defcon Sauces is a New Jersey-based hot sauce company that specializes in wing sauces to the tune of a fuck-ton of awards. For instance, they swept the Screaming Mimis (the hot sauce… Oscars I guess) last year in the wing category for the second year in a row. Their three staples are aptly named Defcon 3, 2, and 1, because the defcon number gets lower the more dire the situation, not higher, we’re looking at you, Hollywood. And naturally, the reigning kings of the category get to design the sauce for the wing contest at the hot sauce expos. This led to the Mk. IV Cluckwing Orange and the Mk. V Curbstomp. And they have other stuff too, which is kinda cool. I think they started making that extract of Trinidad Scorpion again, which is 7 pounds of pepper or so distilled into a quarter-ounce vial, named Defcon Zero. I imagine one shouldn’t drink it like a shot if they like living.

Curbstomp was unveiled for the 2015 NY expo and was also used for the wing contest last year because it’s hot. You’ve got two of the hottest peppers in the world, the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion and the Carolina Reaper, in the same bottle. And it’s a wing sauce, so it’s not like it’s watery or anything, there’s a certain thickness to a good wing sauce so it gets good coverage, and this has got it. Unfortunately, it’s already been retired. Presumably for a Mk. VI at the next one. Which will have, I don’t know, brimstone and pure capsaicin? So I guess this is for my own self-indulgence and plugging, except it’s not a circle-jerk if it’s just you, so joke’s on you, whoever wrote about that in the survey!

But like, is it any good or does it just taste like burning?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0kVbXvId3A

I mean, there is burning no matter what, it’s hot and due to the thickness there’s a lot of it (phrasing) so yes, the first thing is whether you can handle it (still phrasing). Is there a little bit of the familiar bitterness you get from eating something really spicy? There is, but it’s not overbearingly bitter. And through all this, I maintained my composure for the most part, again staying on the edge of being overwhelmed (you’re trying to do this, aren’t you). I can’t say there’s specific notes of this or that or some other fruity bit, because there aren’t any; the ingredients are severals of peppers, some water, some vinegar, some preservatives, and a touch of garlic powder, which is the last ingredient on the list, so it’s not like it’s a massive garlic kick. It’s for one job. And that job is to make the deranged individual who’s eating it test their limits. If you want to mix it with something that has different flavors, go for it. (If you’re me, some Curbstomp and some ketchup to dilute it on your burger, top with pickles and if you have jalapenos/habaneros them too, maybe a nice sharp cheddar or pepper jack and some bacon… shit, now I want a burger.) Mix it with a barbecue sauce? Maybe, but you’d have to do some experimenting to make sure it works. You know, for science.

Eh, what does it matter, Senor, the little bit you have left’s all you’ve got and it’s too good to waste with mad scientist fantasies. Until the next one comes. Fortunately for you there’s not long to wait.

Senor Weaselo is excited to see what’s up everyone’s sleeve this weekend at the 5th Annual NYC Hot Sauce Expo at the Brooklyn Expo Center. I’d make like Hank Scorpio and tell you to drop me a line if you’re on the East Coast since I’ll probably be there Sunday, but I should’ve done that last month and none of you live in the city. However, the PDX Hot Sauce Expo is August 5th & 6th at the OMSI Bridge Lot in Portland, the California Hot Sauce Expo will be August 19th & 20th (not totally sure where but last year it was in Long Beach), and the Arizona Hot Sauce Expo is TBD—last year it was in November at Tempe Diablo Stadium.