Welcome back for another weekend of…things.  The Darkest Timeline offers no guarantees in terms of results, nor entertainment value.

We start our weekend at White Hart Lane, where “Bound FOAR 2nd” Spurs host “15th and falling but still safe” Bournemouth (7:30, NBCSN).  The Cherries failed to make much of an impression at home against Chelsea, so it seems unlikely they will do much more at their closest pursuers.  One never knows, but I ain’t setting my alarm.

In the 10:00 window, NBCSN is strangely featuring 16th position Palace hosting 11th position Leicester.  Both teams are on good form, I suppose.  But not really playing for very much any more, with the last relegation spot now clearly between Hull and Swansea.  Swans trail Hull by 2 points in the table (and 1 on goal differential) and get 10th position Watford this week (CNBC), while the Tigers make the dreaded trek to Stoke City (Extra Time).  This relegation scrap will be a fight to the finish.  But fuck ’em all, I’m watching Everton at home to 12th position Burnley (Extra Time), enjoying what little of Romelu Lukaku we Blues have left.  FFS.

Soton host Man City (12:30, NBC) in a fixture with major Champions League qualification ramifications.  The Saints are quite capable of playing the spoiler role.  Possibly a fun game for the neutral viewer.

Sunday Funday begins with the Redshite hopefully struggling on the road yet again with a mid-table side – in this case, West Brom (8:30, NBCSN).  Would love to see these arrogant fucks miss out on Top 4, at least.  Then, the match of the week as Chelsea invade Old Trafford (11:00, NBCSN) and likely end United’s 20+ match unbeaten streak (less impressive considering like half have been draws).

Poor fookin’ Arsenal get another Monday Night Footy “showcase” for their dysfunctional selves, this time at doomed Boro (3:00, NBCSN).  How much do you enjoy watching a good car crash, as long as you’re not in the fucker?