The Night Chicago Died A Song that I Wish was True

Well, that didn’t take long.

I now hate Cubs fans more than I hate Patriots fans. Part of this new black well of hatred is the fault of my oldest spawn – JJ Fozz III. (Yes, there is a third generation Fozz, but he is nothing like his father. He is kind, loving, smart, and athletic. He is also a huge baseball fan. I’m getting a DNA test.)

Back to the Cubs fans bullshit. When the Cubs won I paused for a second and thought, “That’s good. Now I don’t have to hear any more of this ‘it’s been a million years since the Cubs won’ bullshit.”

(Then I went back to building scale replicas of medieval torture devices to be used on the goddamn mice that plague my home. If I could convince Mrs. Fozz that a shotgun would be quicker and much more fun, than I wouldn’t have to be looking up directions for building an iron maiden. )

I was wrong about going back to my normal life – whatever in fuck that happens to be. The flood gates of fellatio had opened. The massive collection of bootlicking, braindead, shit breathing fucks known as the national media grabbed on to this event and wouldn’t let go. The last time a pack of cubs got this much asslicking was at a gay pride parade in San Francisco.

Recently, I had the misfortune of seeing a piece on ESPN (home of the tapeworm infested Chris Berman, and shitheel dickbrain Stephen A. Smith, a dumbass who makes his living by yelling and making white people feel guilty.) I fucking hate this channel more than Lifetime. It’s fast food media and I would rather shove bamboo sticks up my nose than watch 10 fucking minutes of this crap.

The video was about Cubs fans that wanted to be the people who gave out the rings to the Cubs at the home opener. I’m not sure where Wrigley Field is, but I bet those twats to be safely transported there by a team of SEALs in the last working Panzerkampfwagen VI Tiger Ausf. E. Chicago wants to beat Baltimore in gun deaths. Game on.

Of course there were the tug at your heartstring contestants. One chap was a living fossil that was alive when the Cubs last won, or something like that. His bones had the consistency of peanut brittle and his blood was thicker than molasses. The other fan was a young lady with cerebral palsy I was impressed by her story, and her attitude. (I may be heartless and full of hate; I will never make fun of a disabled person. Even dickheads like me have limits.)

The other people were just the usual fanboys who masturbate over the stats column in the daily paper. Literally masturbate over it, and shower the newsprint with their pitiful offerings. One dude named each of his kids after famous Cubs players – this is amazing because he had more than one kid.

Doing this doesn’t make you a fan, it makes you an industrial size loser who married the first woman dumb enough to fuck you. That’s it. You are deplorable and I hope your kids shove you in a 50-gallon barrel and thrown you in to the Chicago Harbor or whatever in fuck they have in that town. I’m sure the locals will use it for target practice.

Remember back in the 80s when Jim Belushi was a thing? You would think that the amount of sausage, beer, cocaine, and young starlets he consumed would have made his heart explode – no such luck. He wore Cubs shit in every one of his fucking vomitfest movies because they were the loveable losers. And because he was a fuckwit.

This is when I began to hate the Cubs, because they were a bandwagon team – how in the fuck, in this country of ours that doesn’t tolerate a loser – see the opening speech in Patton – decide that a loser team was fun to root for? They are not underdogs, they are the dogs of dogs.

And Wrigley Field – holy Christ on a hammock. I FUCKING GET IT! The field is old, there is ivy, tickets are free and you can sit on someone’s roof to watch the game. When you enter the stadium, you are given head by a super model and when you blow your load, unicorns shoot out of your dick. Please, it’s probably a moldering, stinky butthole of a building that needs to be torpedoed.

So fuck the Cubs and their fans. While we’re at it, fuck Chicago.

I went there once and it was so cold my fucking liver froze. Everyone there talks with that annoying flat Midwestern accent and many of them resemble John Candy if you crossbred him with a retarded rock ape.

Michael Jordan was a degenerate gambler and people I know who’ve met him said that he was an asshole. In fact, he is now a captain in ISIS.

Mike Ditka should go piss up a rope, stupid fuck. The pack of mutants he coached could have won a Super Bowl with Granny from Looney Tunes coaching them.

Chicago the band makes you impotent when you listen to them.

Chicago the musical sucks ass, because it’s a musical.

Cloud Gate is a sham piece of modern art – a funhouse mirror does the same goddamn thing for much less. Plus, you don’t get shot in the spleen when you are looking at one.

Finally, John Hughes deserves a punch in his lifeless corpse, because he was always featuring the City of the Broad Shoulders in his cardboard cut out movies.

Sorry Zimm.

Thing That Made Me Smile This Week

My youngest spawn took a dump in the toilet that looked like it had been hatched by a longshoreman who was on a beef and cheese only diet.