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The Andy Reid-era Chiefs began 9-0, and since then they have gone 11-13, including playoffs. That there is a Peter King-level contrived statistical nugget. What’s worse, they haven’t won a regular season game in nearly 8 months. What have they been doing all this time? For comparison purposes, the next-door neighbor Kansas City Royals have won, like, 80 games in those 8 months. EIGHTY! I don’t know how many games the Sporting KC have won, but I bet it’s on Wikipedia.
The Chiefs actually had an encouraging season going in 2014, with a 7-3 record and wins over eventual Super Bowl participants New England and Seattle. The victory over the Patriots was the curb-stomping that occurred on a Monday night and caused ESPN and the rest of the world to lose their shit over whether the Belichick/Brady dynasty was done. It also begat the Belichick meme of “We’re moving on to Cincinnati.” The Pats, as you know, ended up making it to the Super Bowl, where they lost a close game late when Marshawn Lynch ran in a touchdown from 1 yard out with 16 seconds left to play in the game. Wait, what?
Anyway, the Chiefs lost 3 straight to Oakland, Denver, and Arizona, in late November/early December, which basically put them out of the playoff chase. As is standard practice for the Chiefs, the defense was very good, ranking 7th in the league in fewest yards allowed, and 2nd in fewest points allowed. This information is all available on the internet. The linebacking duo of Tamba Hali and Juston Houston were the standouts, even though I would become confused and disoriented every time an announcer for a Kansas City game would mention “Houston” and they weren’t even playing the Texans, a team about which I do not care. Also, I am easily confused and disoriented.
The feel-good story of the preseason so far has been the return to the field of safety Eric Berry. Berry missed the final 5 games of 2014, after a serious medical scare. The doctors were optimistic though, and Berry garnered much support from the entire NFL family for his courageous fight against equinophobia.
Linebacker Derrick Johnson and defensive end Mike DeVito are also returning from injury, each having torn their achilles in last year’s season opener. Presumably each tore his own achilles, but it’s possible they tore each other’s. I don’t know what kind of locker room rituals go on behind closed doors.
The Chiefs drafted cornerback Marcus Peters with their first round pick (18th overall), but he doesn’t project to start this year.
On offense, the Chiefs continue with, Hey, look at this, another former 49ers quarterback. Tiny hands Alex is back for another season of handing off to Jamaal Charles, assuming he (Charles) has all of his tendons and ligaments in tact. It’s a 50/50 proposition every year. When he’s healthy, Charles is one of the most exciting players in the game.
BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just stepped in dog shit in his back yard, shredding his ACL.
The wide receiver corps for the Chiefs scored exactly zero touchdowns last year. It’s a bold strategy employed by Andy Reid, but one that paid off with an offensive ranking of 16th in scoring and 25th in yards. The team’s top wide receiver from 2014, Dwayne Bowe, has moved on to Cleveland. I’m not going to get in the weeds too much here with data analysis, but Bowe’s 60 receptions for 754 yards weren’t even the highs on the team. That honor went to tight end Travis Kelce, who had a breakout year in 2014, and whose name I mention solely for the purpose of including this gif:
With Bowe gone, KC’s top 2 wide receivers are Albert Wilson and Jason Avant. Yep.
BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just traveled back in time to 1963 and was hit with stray bullet fragments while standing near the triple underpass in Dealey Plaza, shredding his ACL. There may have been other people injured in the incident as well.
The Chiefs’ offensive line took a hit in their first preseason game when right tackle Jeff Allen sprained his MCL. This is a problem area for the Chiefs, who gave up 49 sacks last year, even with a fairly mobile quarterback who is geared to dumping the ball off. The team spent their 2nd round pick on offensive lineman Mitch Morse from Missouri. Many media members mentioned that Morse’s mobility might make the man more meaningful in multiple match-ups.
Another key offseason loss for the Chiefs has been stalwart Otto Man. A perennial KOTW award winner, Man has been pretty much MIA since the end of last season, and I don’t mean Miami. Unless, maybe he IS in Miami. That would explain, well, nothing really.
BREAKING: Jamaal Charles has just been shot by Gavrilo Princip, shredding his (Charles’s) ACL. Aggravated fantasy football players across the world appear almost ready to start a war over this incident.
I see 10-6 on the upside for the Chiefs this year. It looks like the AFC West is flattening a little bit, with Denver clinging to the hope of one more productive year from Peyton, San Diego usually floating around the playoff bubble, and Oakland… still being Oakland I guess. So 10-6 might actually win the division. At least it should mean a wild card game, which the Chiefs can lose in some new soul-crushing way, for those fans that have souls. BTW, if Charles gets hurt early in the season, you’re looking at 7-9.
BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just ordered the Code Red, shredding his ACL. Chiefs fans can’t seem to handle the truth.
I live in a rural area in southwest Missouri. It is heavy Chiefs country, and they are on my CBS affiliate every Sunday. Despite having lived here for 15 years, I have managed to learn very little about the Chiefs, an accomplishment that I feel is well-reflected in this team preview. For this reason I encourage those of you who ARE Chiefs fans to comment and add more insightful analysis. JOIN THE CONVERSATION!
One final note, I made it through this entire write-up without making an Andy-Reid-is-fat joke. I will celebrate with the adding of barbecue sauce to ribs.
BREAKING: Jamaal Charles just inadvertently stood between Andy Reid and the above pictures on Reid’s computer monitor. You can guess what happened.
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