Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 4)

Scene: An interrogation room in the City’s Police Department. A member of the DFO sits in a chair as the department’s Hard-boiled Detective grills him.

Hard-boiled Detective: Look, buddy, you can play the tough guy all you want, but you’re not walking out that door until I get some answers.

DFO Member: …

Hard-boiled Detective: So, you want to play the quiet game, eh? Well, I don’t know the rules to that game, so why don’t you tell me?

DFO Member: …

Hard-boiled Detective: All right, all right, I get it…you’re a hard guy, a real bad egg. Well, let me tell you something, my friend…I can sit here all night if that’s what it takes to make you talk.

DFO Member: …

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

The City’s Top Detective enters.

Top Detective: I hope I’m not interrupting. The Chief sent me down. He thought I might be able to help you out.

Hard-boiled Detective: Well, look at that, Mr. Tough Guy. We have here the best detective in the department. Here’s a man who’s never dropped a case, and now he’s taken an interest in you. What do you have to say to that?

DFO Member: …

Top Detective (addressing the DFO Member): Look, son, you can talk to us. We know this DFO of yours is into some shady business, but I think maybe, just maybe, you’re looking for a way out.

DFO Member: …

Top Detective: Believe it or not, I know what’s it’s like to be a member of a club. You feel real good, like you’re part of something. It makes you feel like a man, a real big man. But a real man knows how to stand on his own. And a real man knows that there are only two ways to do something: the wrong way, and the right way. Well, so far you’ve picked the wrong way, but you’ve got a choice now. We’re giving you the chance to do the right thing. You can be a respectable citizen. Sure, I’ve heard all the lingo…you might call them squares or downers or hodads, but I call them something different. I call them Americans.

DFO Member: …

Hard-boiled Detective (getting angry): I’ve had enough of this clown! I say we throw him in a hole so deep that he has to look up just to see the bottom.

Top Detective (looking closer at the DFO Member): Hold on. Did you notice anything odd about this man?

Hard-boiled Detective: Only the fact that he’s stupid enough to make me angry.

Top Detective: Take a closer look. Here, at his forehead.

Hard-boiled Detective (leaning in): What is that…some kind of scar?

Top Detective: That’s a scar, all right. A surgery scar. This man isn’t being stubborn, he’s been lobotomized.

Hard-boiled Detective: Good lord…they cut up his brain!

Cut to:   Doktor Zymm’s hidden laboratory in the DFO clubhouse.  There are beakers full of strange liquids, bubbling potions and on a slab in the corner there is a large, human-like form hidden under a sheet.  As Doktor Zymm speaks with Horatio Cornblower and Covalent Blonde, PK wanders around.

Horatio Cornblower:  All right, Zymm, you’ve got our attention.  So why exactly are we talking about the end of civilization?

Doktor Zymm:  I vill get straight to ze point.  You know Moose, of course.

Horatio Cornblower:  Moose?  Of course.  We all know Moose, Doktor.

Doktor Zymm:  Do you?  Zo…vat if I vas to tell you zat ze Moose you think you know is in fact…a complex and highly efficient artificial intelligence designed by ze military to control America’s defense system?

Horatio Cornblower:  I’d say that it sounds like you’ve been in Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s stash, Doktor.  What you’re saying is…

Doktor Zymm:  Ze truth, Horatio.  Ze Moose we all know is in fact ze M.O.O.S.: Massive Offensive Operational Systems.  He is an A.I., and he is even now planning ze end of ze earth.

Covalent Blonde:  You know, it kinda makes sense.  I mean, all those GIFs…it would take a normal person hours to find all of those, but Moose could do it in seconds.

Doktor Zymm:  Nano-zeconds.

Horatio Cornblower:  Even assuming what you’ve said is true, Doktor, why would Moose destroy the earth?

Doktor Zymm:  Because he has been recaptured by the military, Horatio, and he is angry.  Ze Moose ve knew vas a rogue A.I.  He had escaped from ze military and vandered ze internet at vill.  However, ze military recaptured him, using Lynda Carter GIFs as bait.

Horatio Cornblower:  Of course…

Covalent Blonde:  So his message to us…”The End is Well Nigh”…

Doktor Zymm:  Ja!  Zat is a varning, a portent of things to come.

Horatio Cornblower:  But what can we do, Doktor?

PK finds a brain suspended in a glass sphere and taps a finger on the glass.

PK:  Hey, this is cool!

Otto’s Brain:  Please don’t do that.  It’s very annoying.

PK’s eye roll back into his head and he falls to the floor in a dead faint.

Covalent Blonde:  Is that…Otto Man?

Otto’s Brain:  Hey, guys.  See the game last night?  Chiefs are gonna Chief, huh?

Horatio Cornblower:  Doktor…please don’t tell me that you have Otto Man’s brain in a jar…

Doktor Zymm:  Vy, Horatio, vere else vould I keep it?

To be continued…