Good morning!
Your favorite fifth stringer, Tom Tupa Wakezilla, is filling in for Don T, Hippo, Balls and Litre this morning. I’m not sure why Don T is out, but he was screaming something about La Llorona. I couldn’t exactly hear Hippo’s excuse because someone was pounding on his front door. He said something about legs being broke.
Balls is feeling so deflated, Tom Brady is trying to grab him. Perhaps worst of all, Litre went to Edmonton this week. Poor guy needs a safe space after surviving that dump. Have a spiked hot cocoa, Litre. You deserve it.
It’s Christmas Party season, which means if you’re reading this, you’re probably still drunk or hungover, and possibly a degenerate gambler. (Praise Gamblor!)
On a related note, full disclosure: I am writing this drunk as I recently got in from a Christmas party. So, I apologize if this isn’t the most coherent post in the world. Especially now that I realize the new Word Press is a glitchy piece of shit. I cannot wait to conquer this new method of posting.
First, here is some important lesser footy news you might have missed this week.
Real Madrid and Murder Checkerboards star, Luka Modric, took home the top prize as the best male lesser footy player in the world. Aside from Mordic capturing the imagination of fellow DFOers at the World Cup, this win is significant because it was the first time in ten years someone not named Ronaldo or Messi won the award.
Unfortunately, the award was overshadowed by some dipshit, French DJ Martin Solveig, after he asked the first ever female lesser footy player of the year winner, Ada Hegerberg, if she could twerk.
I really wish Ada would have kicked him in the balls for asking such a stupid fucking question. Once Toddlerzilla grows up and makes half of what Neymar makes and wins this award, I’m instructing her that if anyone asks her a stupid fucking question like that DJ, she better kick the dipshit in the balls and hard. No, we won’t have progressed in society as much as we should by that time.
In other news, one of DFO’s adopted teams, the Semen Padang, lost 2-0 in the championship match against Sleman in the Indonesian league. They played the match at home in their somewhat new grounds, called Semen stadium. It was a sold out crowd, proving once again that if you build it, they will cum.
Also this week, life imitated art as Air Bud: World Pup became real. In Argentina, a stray dog made the save of the week in a tier 3 league match between The Elephants and Juventud Unidad. That save automatically makes that good boy a better keeper than Argentina’s national team goalie, Wilfredo Caballero. Wait a minute. Juventud Unidad? Hey, that’s Young Boys SC, Latino division!
Speaking of DFO’s adopted team, Young Boys are currently in first place in the Super League Table with 45 points. They are playing second place Thun (25 points) today at 11AM Mountain Time. On a related note, it’s worth remembering that Young Boys play at Wankdorf Stadium. I hope I live long enough for them to win the Champions League and then play Newell’s Old Boys in the Pedo Cup FIFA Club World Cup.
Here are some other DFO affiliated teams that are on today’s AM menu:
In the Bolivian league, The Strongest plays Sports Boys at Noon (Mountain Time). . .
Games not on today but worth a watch:
Deportivo Moron plays Mitre in the Argentinian B league on Monday at 6pm . . .
Fuck. I’m sorry. Aside from this new word press being glitchy as fuck, all the teams with funny names either folded around 2011 or are currently in their offseason. At least FC Santa Claus has an excuse to not be playing right now.
Alright, my morale is crushed and I’m getting pretty annoyed with how inconsistent hyperlinks and pictures are working, so, here’s the schedule for the EPL games:
Games worth watching:
Man U vs Fulham: Mourinho’s last stand?
Jose Mourinho has said all the right things this week. He said he is fully committed to United. Probably because he has done such a shitty job, no big club is currently willing to over pay for his over-rated ass.
Last week, Mourinho compared Manchester with the teams ahead of United in the standings. Man U’s schedule over the next 5 or so games was favorable and therefore he expected United to enter a top 4 spot. They tied Southampton that day–and looked like dog shit– and have gone on to tie Arsenal. One would think Mourinho is safe because United is through to the round of 16 in Champions League, but, a tie or a miraculous loss against Fulham might seal his fate once the Christmas break arrives. It’s a really weird time we live in when it’s totally conceivable to see United losing to a newly promoted lesser footy club. Litre’s erection grew three sizes reading that.
Chelski vs Man Shitty: Today, we are all Chelski fans.
For the sake of excitement, I hope 4th place Chelski beats 1st place City so we can get some semblance of a title race after the Christmas break.
Fun fact: Man Shitty has not won consecutive top flight matches against Chelski since 1955.
Hot Sperms vs Leicester City: Scorekakke fest?
This should be a great game. Since Leicester was promoted, Hot Sperms/Foxes fixtures have produced 34 goals. Only Arseholes/Liverfailure matches have produce more goals (38).
If none of these games tickle your fancy, La Liga is offering up some YUGE matchups today.
Third place Atletico Madrid (25 points) is playing 4th place Alaves (24 points). Currently, Atletcio is on a 6 game unbeaten streak against Alaves, with the last 3 games being clean sheets.
Fun fact: Just 67% of Atletico’s goals this season have come inside the box, which is really low. Given their success, I think it’s safe to say Atletico Madrid are currently the pull out kings.
Second Place Sevilla (27 points) takes on Hijos de Batman (17 Points). Only trailing Barcelona by one point, Sevilla needs to take advantage of a Valencia squad that is having a nightmare of a season. Meanwhile, Valencia has to win this game to try and stay relevant for a European spot and to be comfortably away from relegation.
Barcelona (28 points) is facing Espanyol (21 points). Barcelona has owned Espanyol over the past 11 games. Which means, like the Washington Generals, Espanyol is due!
Enjoy the games!
I wonder which star of the Army-Navy game will have a 30 year career, rise through the ranks to a General level, and then immediately sell out the nation to whichever foreign power offers him a couple ruples, a la Mike Flynn.
Or maybe this years squads include a dedicated white supremist who is just biding his time for the opportunity to finally achieve his life’s work — to get paid on the public dime to pick on a a couple thousand women and children who made the capital mistake of being brown, like John Kelly.
Very exciting to see where these young men may end up.
I like how you think.
This Army-Navy game is how the NFL offenses operated in the 1930s. Its a wonder they even made it to the AAFL merger.
In the defense of previous NFL generations, most of those players carried real jobs.
Can i blame the Russians for anything nowadays and it sticks?
Yup!
Autism was spread through Tetris. True fact.
Russia liberated the German states in the Napoleonic Wars. The led to the Unification of Germany, which led to the German Empire, with led to Weimar Republic, which led to Nazi Germany.
Its the Russians fault the Nazis rose to power!
Redshirt would rather be Russian than Democrat!
HEY! I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT!!!!
I’m already on record for being pro-German Empire.
So, how do you think American police are going to handle the yellow jackets protests when Americans embrace a similar movement in a year or two?
It’s getting pretty heated at the moment
Nah, we don’t strike or riot over gas prices. Our government knows to keep them low.
Yellow jackets? Seriously? Yellow jackets? Ha ha ha ha!
You don’t know the United States of America. I know, because I sure as shit do.
We prefer gunfire.
Be more like steel jackets.
I respect the hell out of the military but GOOD GOD THIS GAME IS BORING!
My brother bought a house so I was looking for a doormat for him for Christmas. These guys need to work on their tech game.
Oh, phew. When you said “doormat” I was worried you were going to go on another one of your Paul Ryan rants.
I’d like to see Paul Ryan suffocate to death with a clear plastic bag over his head, hands bound, watching his wife getting violated by a chainsaw.
Blaxy, we’re not going to get anywhere if you keep holding back on us.
Great, Another FBI list.
If you want a doormat I can probably arrange for the UConn football team to show up by Xmas.
They certainly don’t have any bowl game conflicts on their schedule.
I really want to be into soccer so I can join you guys in football festivities. Curse my douchebag college roommate’s love of soccer causing me to irrationally hate it. If that asshole loved gravity, I’d be flying around like one of the Lost Boys
But you can root for the Morons!
Oh wait, you’re already a Bengals fan…
Bengals would be like West Ham. Always, just, there. Slapdick ownership who moved to the Olympic Stadium out of their old home.
Group A: France, Korea, Norway, Nigeria
Group B: Germany, China, Spain, South Africa
Group C: Australia, Italy, Brazil, Jamaica
Group D: England, Scotland, Japan, Argentina
Group E: Canada, Netherlands, New Zealand, Cameroon
Group F: USA, Thailand, Sweden, Chile
Very close to having every group fully represented, but didn’t go all the way with Canada.
You don’t know this yet, but this is going in the DFO Women’s World Cup Preview post.
EDIT: oh, right, I forgot Hong Kong is part of China now.
Okay, for the preview post, I need to gather the collective sexual experience of the Commentist Party!
If you’ve gone all the way with a lovely lady or gentleman born in the countries above, please add a comment with the name of the country in bold.
If you’ve rounded any of the bases with a lovely lady or gentleman born in the countries above, please add a comment with the name of the country in italics
Adding to RTD’s total: Australia
Come on, man. You already know that all of our high school girlfriends were from Canada.
MESSI!!!
Serious walk. 7 miles easy. Walked all the way to Marina.
That’s 3 clicks past the Dolong bridge.
Was Ms. Sirtis impressed?
I saw her on “Titans” last night. She’s has wrinkles now, but she’s retained the hotness.
I can see her Titans right now.
Ok comrade,
Holy shit! That’s far!
Checking out the Holiday Boat Parade tonight?
Nope. Staying local. The El Segundo Christmas parade is tomorrow and I have to get all of my errands done today since they close Main St.
And the correct response is “That’s Cambodia Captain.”
That’s classified.
Just started the rump roast for italian hot beef sandwiches. Only 18 hours til dinner time!
I’m hoping to give a hot beef injection in less than 18 hours…
So, the current media narrative about what is going on in France is that Putin is behind the Yellow Jackets. At what point do more people call bullshit on the media? or at what point does the media suggest we surrender to Putin because at this point, he is involved in so much shit, he’s essentially a god.
Putin is Blofeld but the media are a bunch of weak-kneed pussies. What does blaming Putin for everything accomplish?
I’m going to another Christmas party tonight. I don’t think Livia Gullo is going to be there, which is sad because we could talk about how Suarez just made it 3-0 Barcelona. Maybe Ill find a Tottenham stream.
Those titties need a pressure gauge.
/would happily relieve pressure onto her
That toss at the Army-Navy game is first time Trump has ever let go of a coin — and it showed.
Dembele makes it 2-0.
Messi looks like he may score 4 tonight. He looks absolutely dangerous every touch with the ball
Whatever happened to TSN. As soon as they lost the NHL, they seem to have lost every other professional sport as well. Surely they can’t spring for La Liga, Serie A or some other lesser footy league? Even their NFL games is booty, unless you pay a bajillion dollars to get all the non=regionalized channels.
Outdoor Life Network or bust.
Lets see if Trump tries to pocket the referee’s coin after the coinflip.
This would be the one piece of military spending he’d hold back on.
Just kidding — SLASH VETERAN BENEFITS! That’s what Memorial Day is for!
MESSI WITH A FILTHY GOAL. WHAT A BEAUTY
Thanks Hero, I’ve gone down the 11th century battles’ rabbit hole. Funny how the history books are silent on the extraordinary number of mass spearing/hacking incidents that occurred back then.
Lots of “if they had attacked here they would’ve won, but they didn’t, and so they all died and their line was extinguished.”
Odell Beckham is trying to sink my fantasy team. Just saw that he’s out.
Kind of funny when you remember he talked about the Gigantes trying to win out and play spoiler yesterday or Thursday
Hey Brandin Cooks, you’re next man up.
HA! I found some college football. Colgate/North Dakota State, buckos!
Darren Sproles cousin is playing.
Army-Navy is on, but when I bent down on my knee to pick up the porno mag I dropped on the floor, my cable cut out and I lost the game and now someone is outside yelling “Havoc!”
OK the game doesn’t start till 3, my lies have been uncovered
10ish minutes until the Barcelona game starts. (I think)
Seton Hall ahead of Kentucky in OT.
I dare anyone to watch Army/Navy with the sound on. The dick-slurping of these ‘brave young men’ will drive you to the Banana House.
Nah, my ears are still bleeding from the Bush funeral
Its they’re day. However, I think they want those dick-slurpers to still remember them after they’re out of the military and homeless and looking for help.
Chelski and Liverpool won? Well shit, we might actually have an exciting EPL season this year. Here’s hoping hot sperms win so the situation gets a little sticky up top
Leave it to the NHL to not take advantage of no College football being on today. God forbid they do a whole day of Ice Football where people can see how wide open and fast the game has gotten. (Thank god)
“That looks portraiture-shopped.”
-George Eastman
Speaking of wide open and fast…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByN8nqEpGu0
Why did they fight with rectangles? Are the corners like, really sharp?
I’ve made mention of messing around with the NBA Eastern conference and betting the under.
I’m not encouraging gambling or anything but Brooklyn is playing New York and the under is 219.
You can participate or follow along at home.
Hammer time.
they’d go into 2OT if I bet this.
Touche.
Thun taking a lead into half over our Young Boys? In Wankdorf?? This ain’t right, y’all.
also just sayin’ but 3-1 City would be mighty nice
THANKS Ederson