I am in no way, shape, or form going to try to lay out the structure or matchups involved in the English FA Cup.  I know Everton’s home tie with Lincoln City is on ESPN+ at 10:00.  Surely, I will watch it and bitch heartily.

No, we will collect the hivemind of as many Commentist Party Functionaries as possible, for Most Glorious Wild Card Round.

To the ppls!

WCS:

Clots/500s: If a playoff game is hosted by a team that doesn’t exist, does anyone actually notice? 27-20 Pill Poppers.

Truthers/GAWD DAMNED STARS: Princeton Boy gets to continue his Finest Eatings in JerryWorld for another couple years on the basis of winning the craptacular NFC East. Russell Wilson is playing out of his mind. 31-24 Nano Bubbles.

Horatio Cornblower:

Colts-Texans:  An immovable force, the gravy in Indianapolis’s arteries, versus an unstoppable object, the questions surrounding the very existence of the other team.  Hodor does just enough to disappoint JJ Watt and save us all from more humble-bragging.  24-13  St. Elmo’s Special Sauce.

Seahawks-Cowboys:  Is this the year the Cowboys win more than one game in the play-offs?  No.  No it is not.  The defense shows up but the offense doesn’t.  24-13 Conspiracy theorists.

Old School Zero:

C-HOX/C-BOYS – Q1: rain of frogs. Q2: nacho cheese pipeline rupture. Q3: Meteor. Q4: refs gift Dallas a win.

Fat Cats / Fat Humps: Teeth. Teeth. Teeth. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH. TEETH.

Yeah Right (thinking big picture):

Here’s yeah right’s “Saints are going to use their dome field advantage, including Megatron’s Butthole remember, to beat New England in the Superb Owl. Bonus prediction: Breesus Christ rides off into the sunset after his Superb Owl MVP award.

Beer Guy Rob:

Colts – Texans: A Meteor of Boredom hits JJ Watt, putting him out until hurricane season (non-alcoholic variety) 13-6 Texans.

Seahawks – Cowboys: JET FUEL MIGHT NOT MELT STEEL BEAMS, BUT IT WILL MELT A JUMBOTRON! 24-21 C-HOX

Internet Dad (aka DTZM):

Colts-Texans is a battle between the two fattest fanbases in the National.  Football.  League.

Seahawks – Cowboys asks the existential question of “Can the insufferable beat the oversaturated?”

Brett Favre’s Colonoscopy:

Clots-Texans: The buzz on the Colts making a run is nuttier than an Irsay on a Planters factory tour after he confused the chopping room for a rave. Watson over HODOR. 27-20

Seahawks-Cowboys: I like DAK as a person/ham more than DangeRuss as a cyborg/turd but the SeaChickens are winning this. 23-21

The Right Reverend Mayhem:

Clots/”Texans”: Captain Andrew Luck continues his March to the Gulf.  Normally I would find T.Y. Hilton’s ankle injury worrying, especially with the Colts’ boom-or-bust rushing game. However, the Texans’ offensive line seems almost as unconcerned about Deshaun Watson’s safety as Watson himself- the 62 sacks he sustained this season were tied for the fifth most all time, behind David Carr, Randall Cunningham, Jon Kitna and David Carr (again)- and it’s going to catch up to them this week when Watson goes down in the third quarter with a Torn Everything.  Also, the last time a Houston team underestimated Frank Reich in the playoffs, it didn’t end well for them.

Prediction:

Seahawks/Cowboys: Seriously, fuck both these teams.  Their quarterbacks are both overrated. The Seahawks defense is still coasting on the edge of the hem of the coattails of the Legion of Boom years, while the Cowboys offense is notable only because they weren’t quite ass enough to get Jason Garrett fired once they blew a first-rounder on Amari Cooper. One owner is dead, and the other is a lecherous reanimated corpse. Both coaches are insufferable. Pistols at dawn, then drown the survivor.

Prediction:

King Hippo:

The more I think about Humps/500s, the less clarity I have.  One can’t even take comfort in the points, what with the line being 500s -1.  I guess I am going to let the tiebreaker be how shitty HOU’s offensive line is.  Though I would not be at all surprised if the NFL’s bestest WR (h/t, DonT) – Deshaun Watson – snatches victory from the hand of HODOR!  Hopefully we will have a good game, an unusual feat for this HODOR! timeslot.  Humps 24, 500s 20.

On the other hand, I am all over the anti-narrative #ACTION here.  To me, this is a very complete, balanced, clock and field position-controlling team vs. one guy (Russell Wilson).  No matter how large RW’s genitalia might be (take a look at a picture of his garden shovel-sized hands gripping the footed ball sometime), he can’t do it all by himself – especially with limited opportunities.  In this sense, DAL is SEA‘s toughest possible matchup, though I shall be like the only “national pundit” (laughs at the absurdity of that statement, but WOO! internet) saying so.  Non-Gendered Cowpersons 28, SeaTruthers 18.

Balls of Steel and Fury:

Indy/Texans – Each team won at the other’s stadium by a field goal in the regular season. This game will come down to a field goal too. Texans take the rubber match.

Seattle/ Dallas – This game comes down to, “Who do you trust in the playoffs? Conspiracy Pete or The Ginger? Petey doesn’t fuck up until the later rounds. Seattle wins on the road.

Senor Weaselo:

Clots/500s-They played each other close both games, so I expect it to be close throughout. For some reason I like Houston so gimme them.

Truthers/Non-Gendered Cowpersons-I think DAK DAK DAK will have a good game especially thanks to the Week 17 chaos against the Giants. I won’t love it but I’ll take them.

Scotchnaut:

Colts/Texans-I don’t trust the Texans running game but there is the very real possibility that Hopkins goes totally whack-a-doodle. This’ll come down to a late-ish turnover and a Adam “Stick it up your nose with a rubber hose” Vinnyatieri field goal. Colts 24-21.

Seahawks/Cowboys-totally counting on DAK! weaknesses to counteract Zeke strongnesses. I got this feeling that this version of “How ‘Bout Them Cowboys!” will be a regular season team to deal with and a playoff team that folds quicker than me being punched in the belly by a three year-old.

Son of Spam:

Colts/Texans? – Colts win in a laugher because there’s no such team as the “Texans”

Sharkbait:

Indy-Houston: Clots on the road vs. an imaginary team. Despite Watson-Hopkins putting the team on their back, Ageless wonder Adam Vinatieri wins it with a 40+ yard FG

Seattle-Dallas: DAK and the non-gendered Cowpersons will win this because Jerry Jones puts a Free Mason logo outside the Seattle locker room and Pete Carrol refuses to enter thereby negating any game plan they had.

Litre_Cola: 

500’s v Clots: I believe that the 500’s will get to the conference final at least and I do not believe in the Colts D. Houston in a murder, I do not think it will be close as it is Hopkins against Hilton and Hopkins is the clear winner.

SeaTruthers v Non Gendered Cowpersons: I bet on Dallas but want the Heaux to win. I just don’t know how Russell Wilson does it with that patchwork offensive line. If Dallas goes away from Zeke they will lose, he needs 20+ carries for them to win IMO.