Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 17)

The scene: The DFO clubhouse. There’s a large tarp over the huge hole in the wall. Darkest Timeline Zach Morris, still grinning and immobile, is propped up in a corner, dressed in a tuxedo and holding a martini glass in his hand. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van is on the couch watching a test pattern on the TV, semi-visible through a haze of smoke. Old School Zero is at the bar, playing poker with Moosemas Gorilla, who has the action-figure sized Horatio Cornblower on his shoulder.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: This show is, like, intense, man.

Moosemas Gorilla (studying his hand): Ook ook.

Horatio Cornblower: He’ll take two cards.

OSZ (dealing out the cards): OK, and four for the dealer…

Horatio Cornblower: Nice! Working on that one-of-a-kind.

Moosemas Gorilla huffs out a laugh as OSZ takes his cards.

OSZ: Very funny. I’ll have you know I have a killer hand going here.

Horatio Cornblower: No you don’t. I can tell you have garbage. You have the worst poker face in the world.

OSZ: Oh,yeah? Well, you have…y’know, I can’t read your expression at all.

Horatio Cornblower: That’s because I have considerable mimetic muscle control.

OSZ (squinting at Horatio): No, dude…it’s because you’re the size of a Big Jim.

OSZ and Horatio Cornblower both think back…

Cue vintage commercial.

OSZ: We were so young, back then…

Horatio Cornblower: Actually, I wonder if my mom still has that camping set. I could really use it these days.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

Doktor Zymm sticks her head out of her lab.

Doktor Zymm: Ach! I could use a hand in here. Is Zill here?

OSZ: No, he flew off a few minutes ago. Can I help?

Doktor Zymm (looking around the clubhouse while avoiding OSZ’s eyes): Und WCS? Iz he gone az vell?

OSZ: Yeah, and Covalent Blonde is at her MMA class, and Ballsofsteelandfury is…

Doktor Zymm (hopefully): Ja?

OSZ (looking at Horatio): Actually, I have no idea where he is.

Horatio Cornblower: Haven’t seen him.

Moosemas Gorilla (shrugging): Ook.

Doktor Zymm looks at Marc Trestmans Windowless Van.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (still watching the test pattern): This pizza ad is making me hungry, man. You guys wanna order a pizza?

Moosemas Gorilla: Ook!

OSZ: C’mon, Doc, I’ve helped you out in the lab before!

Flashback to: OSZ and Doktor Zymm running out of the lab and slamming the door on the giant tentacles. From the crack in the doorway a giant eyeball peers out and horrific sounds emanate from within.

Cut to: The present day.

OSZ: Look, that was one time. And in my defense, you never told me not to read out of your Necro…Nocom…

Doktor Zymm: Necronomicon.

OSZ: Yeah, that!

Doktor Zymm: Vell…all right. Just be careful to follow my instructions to ze letter.

OSZ and Doktor Zymm go into the lab. Moosemas Gorilla picks up OSZ’s cards and looks at them.

Horatio Cornblower: What did I tell you? Garbage.

Moosemas Gorilla (nodding in agreement): Ook.

In the laboratory, Future Moose is hooked up via several cables to his present-day body, which has been sitting on a slab collecting dust for the past few months.

OSZ: Whoa! What’s up with Moose?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, unfortunately I made a minizcule miscalculation ven I utilized his fission batteries to bring you und the other back from the past.

OSZ: You made a mistake? You?

Doktor Zymm (haughtily): In my defense I had not calculated ze addition of an oversized zimian. It iz not my fault you had to bring back a pet. But, ja, ze batteries of ze Future Mooze body are damaged, und until I can repair zem ve need to keep his programming zafe.

OSZ: So, what am I helping you with?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, I am tranzverring ze artificial intelligence programming of ze Future Mooze into ze body of zis Mooze. It is unfortunately less-efficient due to ze lithium batteries, but it vill do. I need you to keep a vatch on zis dial here. If it goes into ze red, let me know.

OSZ: That’s…it?

Doktor Zymm: Ja.

OSZ: Watching one dial?

Doktor Zymm: Ja.

OSZ: You made me practically jump through hoops, just so I could watch one…

OSZ gives a slightly bewildered look at the array of dials on the console.

Doktor Zymm: It’s ze middle vone.

OSZ: I knew that.

Doktor Zymm: Maybe ze gorilla is free…

OSZ: I’ve got this, okay?

Doktor Zymm flips some switches and turns some dials, then keys a series of commands into a terminal. It’s all very science-y.

Doktor Zymm (donning her goggles): Zo? Vat does ze dial say?

OSZ: It’s in the yellow. Hey, should I have goggles, too?

Doktor Zymm (sighing): Nein. You are gut.

OSZ: Well you have goggles. Is there something you need them for?

Doktor Zymm: Ze dial…

OSZ: Orange. Because if it’s a safety thing, OSHA standards require you to provide me with a pair.

Doktor Zymm (rolling her eyes): Fine, zere is a pair under ze desk. But vat does ze dial say?

OSZ (rooting around under the desk): There’s a Trent Green bobblehead under here. Hey, the helmet’s cracked!

Doktor Zymm: Ze dial…?

OSZ: And a box of…Rah-Rah Raisins? Good lord…

Doktor Zymm (defensively): I vas hungry und ze girl scouts didn’t have anything else left.

OSZ: Better to starve…hey, I found the goggles!

Doktor Zymm: Finally. Und vat does ze dial say?

OSZ (putting on the goggles): Red. You know, these are really dirty. Do you have cleaner around?

Doktor Zymm: Did you say…red?

OSZ: Psych! It’s totally in the orange.

Doktor Zymm (mumbling): I could make it look like an accident. Ze lab iz a dangerous place…

Doktor Zymm keys in a final code and hits the Enter key.

Doktor Zymm: Zere! Zat should…

OSZ (looking at the Mooses): Hey, I think he’s waking up!

Future Moose (in his new/old body): !syug, yeH

OSZ: Umm…

Future Moose: ?no gniog s’kceh eht tahW !yeH

Doktor Zymm: Hmm…zo ve have a zlight problem…

To be continued…