600,000 Americans died last year from a disease that kept them from getting enough air in their lungs, so it was only appropriate that the Super Bowl was won by the one guy who gets positively erect over “not enough air.” Yes, Tom Dickcheese Brady (ed. note – did we confirm middle name?) (auth. note – yeah your mom did when she made me breakfast) (ed. note – oh good, she makes the best pancakes) (auth. note – yes and I provided her lots and lots of batter) (ed. note – that was nice, she runs out of Bisquick a lot) (ed.’s mom’s note – I got railed last night like the Chinese and the Irish were racing to meet in Utah) (ed. note – good deal, mom, I’m happy you finally got the safety rails for the bed, too bad you had so many ethnic delivery guys). Just like when Peyton Manning won with the Broncos, the Super Bowl win was less about Tom Burgleturd Brady than the dominant Buccaneers’ defense. (ed. note – so Dickcheese is not the middle name? need clarity) (auth. note – he legally changed his middle name during this paragraph time is a flat circle and your mom gives copious blowies) (ed. note – yeah she’s generous with the Kleenex when you have a cold).

So what did last season mean? Did the Bucs get hot at the right time, or did the best team win? Did Tom Felchwad Brady lead the team to all those wins, or was he just along for a cheating bastard ride? Is Tampa a gross-ass city in a stupidly-run state, or is Jacksonville the exact same thing? Florida sucks.

Most of Tampa Bay’s offensive production will come from the backfield combination of Warrick Dunn and Ricky Bell. (ed. note – isn’t Ricky Bell deceased?) (auth. note – no you’re thinking of that other USC guy Seau) (ed. note – I think they’re both dead) (auth. note – speaking of dead Trojans you should see your mom’s trashcan) (ed.’s mom’s note – I got plowed like I was the last field left in Oklahoma and the Joads were starving) (auth. note – yeah but it was so dusty) (ed.’s mom’s note – until you hit the mud) (ed. note – yeah it rained a lot last week) (auth. note – yeah but it turns out your mom likes getting showered on). The offensive line has some guys on it, probably big fellas. When Tom Sheepmolester Brady throws the deflated ball,. his targets will include Keyshawn Johnson, Paul Hornung, and Megan Rapinoe.

The defense should be good again with Warren Sapp and Lew Alcindor manning the line. The linebacking corps (ed. note – spelling?) (auth. note – no “e” unless referring to Seau) was great last year. And the secondary should be better than the primary but not as good as the tertiary.

As for predictions, it wouldn’t be surprising if the season was interrupted by COVID. The last thing we want to see in this potential annus horribilis is a pro season that has a lapse. Yep, nothing worse than a pro-lapsed annus. Anyway, the Bucs will probably go like 11-5 and win the NFC South and Tom Sontonguing Brady will win MVP. But the Rams are gonna win the Super Bowl.

Have a bitchin summer!