Hello there fellow DFO’er.  Hope you’re well today.  And thanks for coming back to see last weeks comments of the week as decided by my brain.  There’s no reason as to why some comments make it and others don’t.  

Tomorrow is September.  Holy fuck, where did summer go.  Totally forgets the last few months of sweating after being outside for more than 6 seconds.  I have really noticed how much earlier it gets dark now that it’s almost September.  The logic part of my brain gets that the longest day of the year was over 2 months ago and that we loose a few minutes of light everyday but the dumb part is like why do we need the lights on now, it’s still light out.  Then I look outside and see nothing, as it’s dark out.  Crap, this means it will be snowing soon; climate change be damned. 

As a reminder, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post. Note that during the offseason, I’ll probably look at the Sunday posts.

Without further ado, here are the comments of the week.

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The thing is the Eagles are going to be terrible, and they absolutely are going to manage to somehow beat the Cowboys at least once.

Horatio Cornblower

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Unrelated but have to share:
https://twitter.com/morninggloria/status/1429896771233206284
BrettFavresColonoscopy

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I don’t see what the problem is. I, too, find I prefer naps to just about any other activity.

I got a new computer last week, and it looks like I will be able to visit this site now even while hooked to the DoD VPN. Remains to be seen about embedding youtubes and images; please bear with me as I explore my new freedom!
Viva La Tabula Raza

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Biden is interrupting General Hospital again, and I think my wife is going to rent a U-Haul and fill it with fertilizer.
Horatio Cornblower

So, it never occurred to me: how are the medical soaps dealing with the covid? Everybody masked? Anti-masker and anti-vaxxer chiefs of surgery duking it out with staff?
Viva La Tabula Raza

I have yet to walk by and see anyone wearing a mask. Mrs. Cornblower reports that there are definitely less sex scenes.
Horatio Cornblower

LemonJello

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This is one of my favorite images this site has given the world

Sharkbait

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Sharkbait

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If you are following the advice from Fox and taking veterinarian Ivermectin please get yourself spayed or neutered at the same time

— Marlene Robertson (@marlene4719) August 23, 2021

Mr. Ayo

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I’m just here for the Urban Meyer fail
Recovery Whiskey

As quoted by a fan to Jimmy Johnson after his first NFL game ‘Not so easy when both teams are paid is it’’
BaldingSpiritually

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Gumbygirl
August 23, 2021 7:21 pm
Juck me, Fesus!

This is an incredible movie about expelling the minions of Santa.
Anthony In TX

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Never thought that ol JJ would sound this good:

Jerry Jones on why he's so adamant about COVID-19 vaccine: "Everyone has a right to make their own decisions regarding their health & their body…until your decision as to yourself impacts negatively many others.

"We have got to check ‘I’ at the door & go forward with ‘we’." pic.twitter.com/82CHEwxbDd

— Jori Epstein (@JoriEpstein) August 24, 2021

Game Time Decision

Sharkbait

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Lots of things are awful, so let us all be amazed by how baby walruses manage to be cute yet also look like Andy Reid and that is somehow not a contradiction

Doktor Zymm

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Having worked on the Afghanistan reconstruction effort from 2007-2009, I’m having some mixed emotions on this whole collapse. Even almost 15 years ago, I could have told you that this was not going to end well. I was the in-country chief for the USAF Civil Engineer at the time, and was project manager for the construction of most of the Afghan Army Air Force Base (Presidential Hangar, Maintenance Hangars, new ramps, half a dozen HQ type bldgs, barracks, etc) on the north side of what was then Kabul International Airport and is now Hamid Karzai IA, and seeing the footage of those bldgs I was involved with on the news is kind of jarring.
Problem seems to be, going back over the last 75 years, is that the US always seems to get in bed with these horrifying right wing dictators (Pinochet, Somoza, Duarte, the list goes on) that will bend to the will of corporate America in the interest of filling their offshore bank account. America’s allies are greed-driven and are only in it for the money (I read that Ghani landed in Qatar with $169M cash in hand). Our opponents are ideology-driven, and in the long run they will prevail.
Viva La Tabula Raza

I knew we were screwed when Dubya went to Iraq when bin Laden was still alive and Afghanistan was still a warzone. It made America forget about Afghanistan and allowed the Taliban to just run out the clock.

The only way to fix it would’ve involved colonizing it, but the Afghans wouldn’t stand for it.
Redshirt

“The natives seem to be a bit recalcitrant when it comes to friendly intercourse with visiting armed forces.”
—Alexander the Great, a Bunch of British Diplomats from 1839 to 1922, the Soviets, and now the USA and NATO.
Viva La Tabula Raza

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Okay. Tomorrow will be my happiest night ever. Live AEW show in Milwaukee. I will live blog my article from the panther center. Pray for me.

So, all erotic zones full erect yet?
Viva La Tabula Raza

Im so hard my dick is already in Milwaukee.

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My friends and I always used to tell this horrible joke…”Did you hear about that new pirate movie coming out? It’s rated ARRRRRR” and then Pirates of the Caribbean came out and it was rated R.
Doktor Zymm

Did you hear the one about the pirate with the steering wheel coming out of his pants?
BrettFavresColonoscopy

“Yar, it’s driving me nuts”
Doktor Zymm

Did you hear what the pirate yelled when he spotted a brothel while coming in to port?

Thar she blows!
BrettFavresColonoscopy

This one actually has multiple answers, you can also go with “Land Ho!”
Doktor Zymm

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Evening, lizard people. You have not lived until you’ve heard a Jewish wedding band playing Rick Ashley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.”

Though it was instrumental, so there was no singing in Hebrew. Or Yiddish.
Senor Weaselo

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This is not what I expected to see as the reason for “Henry Kissinger” trending on Twitter:

A fundamental concern is how America found itself withdrawing from Afghanistan "without much warning or consultation with allies or the people most directly involved in 20 years of sacrifice,” argues Henry Kissinger in The Economisthttps://t.co/It3451W3rL

— The Economist (@TheEconomist) August 25, 2021

Sharkbait

I want his level of hell to be one where rats gnaw on him slowly. Forever.
Gumbygirl

“Oh, sure, freeze us out!” – anus weasels local 107
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Anus weasels are welcome. All weasels are welcome, Least Weasels, Ferrets, Stoats, Pine Martens, Ermine, etc.
Some of the above may not be weasels, but they’re certainly weasel adjacent.
Gumbygirl

I’m in favor of the “blow a demon and then he cums fire ants down your throat” level for ol’ HK up there, but the rats/weasels combo works too.
Anthony In TX

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This whole Jeopardy thing reminds me a lot of New Coke. A long-established beloved product just up and drives a wooden stake through its own heart.
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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One of the new names suggested for this team is the Redwolves. Which is fine–the red wolf is native to the area.

But what sticks out to me like a sore thumb is the fact that it’s “Redwolves” and not “Red Wolves.” The animal itself is the red wolf, not the redwolf, and that’s going to bug the shit out of me if they choose that name.

Then someone on Twitter pointed out that it’s the Minnesota Timberwolves, even though the animal is the timber wolf. That can’t be unseen.

Also, they should be the Washington Warthogs. Warthogs are mean, nasty, ugly, and WFT’s fans already love wearing those pig masks. It’s a perfect name for a football team.
Anthony In TX

Please. No.
Warthog

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Gumbygirl

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I had a preliminary phone interview yesterday and managed to get a WebEx interview scheduled for next week.
The phone call went really well and although there are a couple of other people vying for the job, it just kind of felt like I might have the inside track.
It would be a decent raise and a shift from my current job (leasing agent at an apartment community) to an actual career in conference operations and IT work, which is really what I want to do. Fingers crossed.
That being said, Fozz, as someone who once upon a time wandered the unemployment wilderness for nigh on 2 years, I totally get the frustration, desperation, and outright hopelessness the longer your job search continues. While we all love your column, I think everyone here can agree that we would be willing to part with it in exchange for you getting a job.
Also: if you ever wanted to know what it’s like to work in a leasing office (and why would you?), I’m your guy!
Anthony In TX

Not having a job (when you want one) really fucks with your self-esteem and whatnot. Completely understand feeling stabby.
SonOfSpam

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Buddy of mine used to tell the joke, apocryphal I am sure, when he was going through his divorce.

Earlier
Her: Let’s try a marriage counselor, maybe we can still save our marriage.
Him: OK. Set it up.

At the marriage counselor
Counselor: OK, perhaps we can start with your sex life. Lisa, can you say openly to Kevin something that bothers you about your intimate relations.
Her: Hmm. OK. Kevin, it bothers me when you don’t tell me you’re about to cum.
Him: Well, how can I? You’re never there!

Yes, they were divorced. And yes, they both cheated on each other.
Viva La Tabula Raza

I love happy endings.
Don T

You and Bob Kraft.
LemonJello

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An Example of My Loving and Helpful Family

Two Years Ago
Me: “I should look for an apartment.”
Family: “Good Luck!”

One and a Half Years Ago
Mom: “AH! I’M IN EXTREME PAIN AND NO DOCTOR OR HOSPITAL CAN SEE ME BECAUSE OF COVID-19!!!”
Rest of Family: “I can’t deal with this.” (goes back to watching TV)
Me: (closes apartments.com tab) “Don’t worry about the house, Mom. I got this.”

One and a Half Years Ago
Mom: “The doctors were finally able to remove the cancerous uterus and confirm the tumors were benign. The pain is gone!”
Rest of Family: “See. We told you it would be fine with all of us pitching in.”
Me: (momentarily considers committing multiple homicide) “Well, back to apartment hunting.”
Family: “Good Luck!”

Six Months Ago
Me: “I just got fired due to cutbacks.”
Family: “Don’t worry, you can stay here as long as you like.”
Me: (closes apartment.com tab) “I’ve never been unemployed before in my life. I don’t know how to file for unemplo…”
Family: “Good Luck!”

Two Months Ago
Me: “I got hired!”
Fozz: (continues to consider committing multiple homicide)
Me: “Back to apartment hunting!”
Family: “Good Luck!”

One Month Ago
Me: “I found an apartment that is within my price range and isn’t that bad.”
Family: “Why don’t you try to buy a house? You have a great credit score and as a first time homeowner, there’s programs that can help you.”
Me: “Where were you when I started looking for…”
Family: “Good Luck!”

One Day Ago
Me: “I found a townhouse. Its okay, but its a nice first house.”
Family: “Why don’t you call you sister’s friend’s mother. She’s a realtor. I’m sure she can help you out.”
Me: “Where were you when I started looking for…”
Family: “Good Luck!”

Eleven Years From Now
Warden: “Reedforth Shirtowski, you have been condemned to die by lethal injection from a jury of your peers. Do you have anything to say?”
Me: “Just do it fast. I either have to have words with my God or go down to Hell and take over.”
Family: “Wait a minute! He didn’t commit those murders. He was with us the whole time.”
Me: “Where were you when the cops came to arres…”
Family: “Good Luck!”
Redshirt

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This showed up last week, didn’t it?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

GIRL-RELATED FEARS DOUBLE SHOT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Placebo is a phenomenal band.
litre_cola

I’ve found they don’t actually do anything for me.
Dunstan

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Hello folks!

As of right now this here motherfucker is on vacation until Thursday morning at 10:30.

Let’s have a drink shall we?

yeah right

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Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.

This is the “plastic cow” story.

Before we went on a 40 day patrol (and I did six patrols) we had huge a load-out of stores. Perishable goods were consumed first, because they weren’t going to last.

But the fresh milk was strangely a big deal in the U.S. Navy, at least on my boat it was.

When the fresh milk supply was exhausted, the word would go out immediately through every interior communications circuit that “the cow died,” and that we had powdered milk on the mess decks, which was known as “plastic cow.”

Our cooks, who were highly trained would get so frustrated at this. “It’s the same thing” they would scream, and they were right, but that wasn’t the point. It was a crew tradition that we would not drink plastic cow.

Now you could take some and put it in your coffee or on your breakfast cereal flakes, but don’t ever be seen drinking a glass of it. That was a violation of the unwritten fraternal crew rules.
Brick Meathook

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Hi there, Meredith Hagner

Anthony In TX

“What an incredible outfit!” — Jay Leno
Dunstan

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Speaking of sexy, the samples for the virtual scotch tasting arrived today! The package smelled amazing. Number 1 will be the expensive one since we get a shorter pour on that one, but no idea on the others.

Doktor Zymm

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In a sad year where the country is as divided as ever (save the American antebellum era, maybe), idiocy and idolatry are allowing a deadly pandemic to run amuck, and things are starting to look like the beginning parts of the Book of Revelations, and then the Universe allows the first score of the College Football season to be a safety due to an Illegal Forward Pass on a Punt Return as a sign that things will work itself out in the end.
Redshirt

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So Eric Clapton has a new song out about not wearing a mask. While I’m not going to listen to it, @DFO offered to jump out a window rather than listen to more of it, but this was the best response I saw:

I bet if the vaccine was your best friend’s wife you would take it.

— DeeDee (@NashvilleDeeDee) August 28, 2021

Horatio Cornblower

Maybe I’m biased, but I thought the official DFO response was better:

I’d jump out a window to avoid having to listen to even ten more seconds of this dreck.

— DoorFliesOpen August 27, 2021
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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We should start using this Goose quote when these unvaccinated idiots die:

Goose:
The defense department regrets to inform you that your <>are dead because they were stupid.
Sharkbait

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So due to Covid I guess, my niece kind of got us all on a fitness app. All of our distances are logged and whoever does the most in a month wins. And I have managed to piss everyone off.

So first, my sister in law accused me of just driving around slow ( unless I friended her specifically, she couldn’t see my route or my times).

Then the thing was “You are running in the middle of the day, that isn’t fair” and I learned my brother doesn’t know the difference between 4am and 4pm.

I do three hours a day in the morning. 9 miles. My time fucking sucks because my back is still garbage and I am waiting for the VA to fix me again.

On a positive, when I went to get a back mri, they thought my info was wrong as I have lost about 30 lbs and the technician ladies refused to believe I was in my forties.

If I wasn’t terrified of Covid, I could be killing with the ladies as I’m in the best shape since I was in the military.
JustStopDude

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Good news. I found some cash and it turns out you can exchange cash for goods and services, including beer, and now I have less cash but more beer.
Horatio Cornblower

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My freshman year of college I dated a girl from a little town in Louisiana. I spent a weekend in her hometown and even though we were both underage, she had a friend who worked at the drive-thru daquiri place. Her philosophy was “I can’t get in trouble for selling liquor to minors if I just give it to them for free.”
Anthony In TX

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All of those girls in the header pic are 18, right?
Anthony In TX

“Eventually, unfortunately.”

-M. Gaetz
scotchnaut

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Hippo, the Whites won again! You forget about the 2nd tier….
litre_cola

The Whites won again!

-every high school U.S. history textbook
montythisseemsstrangetome

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Reading some stuff about the Carolina Hurricanes RFA offer sheet to Jesperi Kotkaniemi, and I remain baffled at how sports writers and fans absolutely lose their minds about the money professional athletes make. I can’t even attribute it to “white folks getting indignant at players of color making big money,” because we’re talking about a white Finn.

People who are paid to write are actually claiming that this guy really made a mistake in accepting an offer for more money from an employer who actually values him, instead of taking less money to continue working for the employer who publicly doubts his abilities. Or that there will be too much pressure on this guy if he’s making $6.1 million in Carolina, as opposed to the much more relaxed, low-pressure environment playing in Montreal, a city renowned for its low-key approach to hockey. Montreal fans will totally not freak out about a former 3rd-overall draft pick’s performance if he’s only making $2-3 million….

How many of these people would ever dream of refusing more money for the same position in a less-stressful environment for an employer who actually seems to like you?
Dunstan

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I know doctors say to eat a pound and a half of cheese a day, but somedays I just can’t eat that much.
herodotus450

Ivermectin will get things moving along. Ask for it by neighhh-m,
BugEyedBoo

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Thanks for all the comments and funny and everything else.

Stay busy and safe out there.

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