[Author’s Note: Yes, this is the Tuesday Evening Open Thread. Jack shit is going on tonight, and as of now the biggest NFL news is Tyrod Taylor being named the Texans starter. Given that Jack Easterby has replaced the Texans medical staff with three faith healers and a televangelist, I give him three weeks before he gets injured and replaced again by a rookie. So instead, you get my Beloved Bills Season Preview]
2020 PREDICTION: 11-4-1, AFC Champions
2020 REALITY: 13-3, AFC Championship Game
[Door flies open]
TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE: Greetins and salutations, cawksukahs! Bet you did expect to see old Tawmmy in the Buffalo Jills preview, didja? Well, some fahkhead college boy named Reverend Mayhem reached out with some bullshit about “a man is best evaluated by his enemies.” Before last yeah, I’d have told him to fahk off, because Buffalo wasn’t really ouah rivals, just some hicks for Tawm Terrific to beat up on twice a season.
But then these shits go and win the fahking AFC East. THAT’S OUAH DIVISION, BY GAWD GIVEN RIGHT! So I decided to take a break and show these fahkin’ losahs why they should just give up now and allow Ouah Dahk Lawd to regain his rightful throne.
QUARTERBACK: Ok, so I know I should like this Josh Allen. He’s a giant slack-jawed white guy with a history of poor decision-making and casual racism. Fahk, if you showed someone a picture and told them he was my cousin Sully, no one would bat an eye. But this uppity shit decides to improoooove himself, like he’s bettah than us. His accuracy jumped to 69.2%. Top 5 in yahds, touchdowns (38) and yahds per attempt. 400 yahds on the ground, plus 8 moah touchdowns. FAHKIN’ CLIMAH! JUST WAIT FOAH MAC JONES!
RUNNING AND RECEIVING:
Heah we go. Buffalo’s running game was ranked 20th in the NFL last yeah, despite going in with two lead running backs in Devin Singletary and Zack Moss. Between the two of them, they barely broke 1,000 rushing yahds. This isn’t like a Patriots offense where stealing defensive signals means you can substitute a short passing game for an effective running game. They did bring in Matt Brieda as a “home run hitter”, but he ain’t NOMAH.
Stefon Diggs is still a stud, but a LAWKAH ROOM CANCAH because Mike Zimmah couldn’t handle him. Emmanuel Sanders has taken the place of mostly-injured John Brown. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM BLEEDING KANSASES???? That Dawson Knox is still going to suck at tight end. Cole Beasley is still on the team. Now, like Josh Allen I should love him. He’s a perfect candidate for the New England GRITTY WHITE RECEIVER club (although I don’t think he played lacrosse). But this cawksuckah is so fahkin’ ignorant that he managed to become the face of the NFL anti-vax movement despite being the fourth receiving option on a small-market team.
Listen folks, I make some bad decisions. I got bagged for punching a police horse outside Fenway because I thought the Yankees were bringing centaurs to the game. I pahtied my fahking face off the night before the bah exam and tanked it the first time. I took Ugly Ginny home aftah House-O’s wedding, despite the fact that she was 1. House-O’s little sistah AND 2. named Ugly fahking Ginny. But even I am not so gawdawful stupid as to buy inta this “vaccines will turn you into a gay impotent robot slave”. Vaccines work. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Well, a buncha fahkin chuckleheads do. But faaaahk them.
OFFENSIVE LINE: They have all their starters from last year back. If one hadn’t had Big COVID and another wasn’t a COVIDjit, that might be scary.
Aight, I’ve got to get back to my Shrine to the Dahk Lawd and pray for Mac Jones to become someone other than Mac Jones. So I’m going to hand off this preview to another of Buffalo’s greatest enemies:
[Door flies open]
TIM GUNN: Oh, you poor benighted people of Buffalo. Listen, when Zubaz decides to open it’s first brick-and-mortar store and chooses your town? This worries me. I understand that when you have to dress in layers for seven months of the year, it’s hard to focus on high fashion. But with climate change, you guys are going to be the new Mexican Riviera. Time to get with the program. And the Bills? I love the move to the old royal-blue uniforms, but without the 80s and 90s red helmet? It’s just kind of…there.
DEFENSIVE LINE: Now, here is where you get to see what a good tailor can do for larger guys. Star Lotulelei is back from COVID opt-out and teaming with Ed Oliver (who is better than Ed Hardy at both football and fashion). The immortal Jerry Hughes will be rotating with first-round pick Greg Rousseau on one end, while Mario Addison, AJ Epenesa and rookie Boogie Basham will split time on the other end. It’s a good group that should be better against the run than last year, with Lotulelei back.
LINEBACKERS: All the same as last year, with Matt Milano being resigned, Tremaine Edmunds remaining a stud and surprise-5-sack-getter AJ Klein all returning.
SECONDARY: Well here we go from fabulous to tragic. Tre’Davious White remains one of the most consistent and exciting lockdown corners in the league. Micah Hyde and Jordan Poyer have quietly become a top-3 safety duo in the league, playing the run and the pass equally well and allowing a middling pass-rush to go deep in the playoffs. The problem is the other cornerbacks. Brandon Beane has been trying to replace Levi Wallace for three years, and every year no one is willing to step up. It’s a group of fifth-, sixth- and seventh-round replacement players; an approach that bit Beane in the ass in Carolina and will probably cause their Super Bowl ambitions to…unravel (giggles stylishly).
And with that, I welcome the last of Buffalo’s greatest enemies to bring this preview to a…clothes:
[Tablecloth flies off]
FLIMSY FOLDING TABLE: Why? WHY? What did I do? I’m a useful piece of furniture! I’m portable, lightweight and infinitely reusable. And yet every year, dozens of my brothers and sisters are brutally destroyed in the parking lots of Orchard Park for the sick pleasure of drunken Bills fans. #JUSTICE4CARDTABLES. And unfortunately, it looks like there might be extra playoff games to add more victims to the total.
COACHES: All the major coaches are back, somehow. Sean McDermott continues his tough-guy routine but is unwilling to come down on team leaders who MIGHT CAUSE THE TEAM TO FORFEIT FUCKING GAMES. Leslie Frazier and Brian Daboll are back as offensive and defensive coordinators. Daboll missed out on a head coaching gig because teams were in such a goddamned rush to hire new replacement-level white guys that they couldn’t wait for the playoffs to be over to announce a hire. Frazier also missed out because he’s a black man who was given his one shot at the big chair. No matter that he went 10-6 with CHRISTIAN PONDER as a quarterback. No, no second act for you. Brandon Staley is a head coach. Nick Sirianni is a head coach. CANNIBAL DAN CAMPBELL is a head coach. Jesus, maybe Bills fans aren’t the stupidest people in the NFL…
Ken Dorsey continues his unlikely run as a quarterback whisperer.
OVERALL: The Bills look to repeat as AFC East champions, probably at 13-4. They will make the Super Bowl and be mercilessly pummeled. And you know, I’m glad. Those bastard fans deserve to feel the pain of
[Voice cut off as fat drunken Bills fan powerbombs Flimsy Folding Table in half]
That show where they have all the designers making clothes is fucking unbelievable – I would do better if you asked me to build a battleship than design a button or scarf. That’s some real talent, and that grey haired guy fucking kills – especially when he’s deflating egos.
I wonder if he’d have a flagon of bourbon with a commoner such as I.
Here’s your daily dose of (gagging noise):
https://twitter.com/Todd_Spence/status/1434313457881391109
Watching A View To A Kill.
Best title sequence ever!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWVbVT3igdw&t=19s
BTW my team name this year is “The Prayer Warriors” and my icon is the Rod and Todd scene.
“Warriors, come out to pray-ay!”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NwwY9y6O3hw
Holy shit, I got an A-!
I’m going to suck so bad…
Sounds like the “-” in “A-” might be doing some heavy lifting
Goodfellas is on AMC, doing the helicopter scene, if anyone’s interested in great cinema.
Fuck yeah.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CfjNpgZ4C5Q
That song rocks, I have always loved it!
I’m not going to look it up, but I think the backside of the 45 for that was Lime in De Coconut.
Could be. My friend Nancy get’s everybody who plays music in the neighborhood bar we frequent in Birmingham to learn that song and play it several times for her. And they do it, because Nancy is Fancy!
I feel like this could cause a seizure in some of us old’s. And high’s. But I have to look!
That ain’t nothin’ compared to the one that was posted downthread.
What the fuck is happening with our avatars?
It’s weird. If you refresh, they pop up again!
Fucking hell, Yahoo. Way to make me think my draft had already happened yesterday by presenting me with a team and a draft grade. What the hell was that nonsense?
I arrived in time tonight to draft the top player in my queue, who happens to be suspended.
I’m sending an angry letter to the CEO Marissa Meyer about this.
I understood that reference!
Political theater just isn’t as funny when the actors are that fucking pathetic.
But you must be happy that your governor apparently knows how to end rape! Curious that he hasn’t implemented this solution sooner, but hey, better late than never…
Every day I tell myself that this shit can’t get any worse. Every day I’m proven wrong, in spectacular fashion.
Keep hoping to wake up to news that the undetected extinction-level asteroid has struck. No one has more than 24 hours left, and the Earth will abide without us here. All problems solved.
Don’t threaten me with a good time, buster!
Yep, all we have to do is invent and install the pre-crime unit from Minority Report and we’ll be good to go!
I don’t normally backtrack these, but this fucker gets special treatment for being a traitor to the United States of America.
Need an award for someone who dies of covid who was venhtimatley against the vaccine
It’s called the Herman Cain Award.
…..nice
A shitty take-out pizza?
No,wait. Actually that seems about right.
Did you guys know Brian Kelly killed a student?
BKK1S
“Pfft. Only one? Odds are good that at least two of mine were students too.” – Craig James
Yankees are on their way to going 15-8 over their last 23 games, which is great until you realize they started 13-0.
I’m having a little too much fun with this
Epileptic seizure trigger
Shit I can’t delete it
Whatever you tried, it worked.
Wasn’t me. Bless the mods.
Yeah Right has already boned me.
Next year we do this on EST.
DFO turned into a swingers’ site so gradually, I hardly noticed!
Hey now. I’m prettay sure he has NOT boned you. Not that there is anything wrong with that!
I think CA-CT counts as interstate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjJL9DGU7Gg
We drafted right in my goddamn wheelhouse. While I was still at work!
The Gratuitous Simpsons Reference FF League, the oldest of the DFO FF leagues,* will begin its draft in 14 minutes. If you are a member of this fine league, with a tradition akin to the finest of Princetonian eating clubs, you are on notice.
Internet Dad has the first pick.
*Statement may or may not be true. What are you going to do, check?
Heading there right meow!
You’re drafting 9th, I’m drafting 11th, so I look forward to you repeatedly boning me like a pizza delivery guy in a gay porno.
I havent logged into Yahoo fantasy in two years.
I’m not sure I’m in the league? Or any fantasy league?
You are not in this league. I can’t speak for any others.
Thanks.
Last year was such a legit shitshow
I have a fantasy football name with no team to use it. You may have it if you need one. It is “What, Aiyuk Kidding Me?” You’re welcome.
I have the opposite problem. Cant think of a decent name because derrick henry doesn’t lend itself to puns.
I’m just thinking of taking a screenshot of this pic and calling them the derrick henry bug eyes
D. Henry’s Tractor-Drivin’ School.
Okay, I posted this on the GTD Reflections post, but I’m excited so I’m hitting this up too:
I GOT THE JOB!!!!
A little bit of HR red tape and I’m officially the newest employee of UT Health Science Center! It’s a raise, I get weekends off, and it’s on my career path. I’m just so happy, y’all. Thanks to everyone who already commented earlier and thanks to all of you for being so supportive. You’re all the best!
Fuck yes fellow new nine to fiver!
Yes! Thank you!
Way to qualify for the human guinea pigs needed to test Ivermectin! I knew you had it* in you.
*worms
Hey, the worms help me keep my girlish figure! Thank you!
Hey, I got my vax shots through the UT Health Science Center! It’s almost like we’re related!
I have actual relatives I don’t like. I like you, so I’d rather have you be my relative. I’d say it counts!
Congrats, that’s fucking awesome
Thank you!
Wooooooohooooooo!
Thank you!
Well, my new cocktail shaker arrived, so I know what I have to do.
Wash it? Seems like a logical thing to do.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3fZuW-aJsg
You don’t need a cocktail shaker to masturbate in public, but you do you, baby
It seems Andy enjoyed his trip to Las Vegas last year.
Exactly the Simpsons reference that came to mind, for me.
It was made with Andy Reid in mind
Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.
This is the “shore patrol” story.
I was on a submarine called a “boomer” so we had two crews, a “Blue crew” and a “Gold crew” who alternated every 110 days.
I was on the Blue crew in case anybody cares.
When we were in “off crew” and the other crew had the boat, our crew would go back to the naval station at Charleston South Carolina where there were major training facilities.
But sometimes you would have to pull outside duties, and one of these was “shore patrol” which was being a cop on the base. I got it three times (I think it was out of spite) and I despised it.
First, I had to report to the Master at Arms to receive my instructions and get issued my gear. We had to be in dress uniform and then we were issued an arm band that had “SP” on it which I’m pretty sure you can figure out stood for “shore patrol.”
There were two of us doing the rounds of the base and we were both from different ships so we didn’t know each other.
Next, we were issued M1911 pistols, which was the standard sidearm of that era, chambered in .45 ACP. The armorers had already prepped the weapons. We were issued a web belt and the weapon was holstered on our right hip. However, it was unloaded. The magazine with five rounds was issued to us, but we were required to keep that in our left pocket.
I hate guns, yet I have extensive firearms training, in both the Boy Scouts and the U.S. Navy, and the majority of our training was in responsibility.
The Master at Arms would give us a stern lecture about “don’t you ever withdraw that weapon” but if we needed to we better load it and kill somebody but then we’ll doing a lot of explaining to a lot of people.
Then we were issued a billy club.
The Master at Arms then said “if you get in trouble just use the billy club and whack them in the head. You won’t have to explain anything to anybody .”
That’s awesome!
Artist’s depiction of Brick on Shore Patrol
They don’t bore me at all, but my friend Andy is impatiently tapping his foot waiting for you to get to the part about what kinds of meat are in the sub.
I don’t know why, but the blue crew was always the fun bunch!
My first assignment out of MR A School was shore duty at the Aircraft Intermediate Maintenance Depot at Naval Air Station Corpus Christ TX. Watch-standing for me consisted of, once a month, either Flight-line Aircraft Integrity watch on the ramp where they parked the trainer planes or Barracks Fire Watch. You had to go out and ride a bicycle around the ramp once an hour and report back to the Ops folks, assure them no one was fucking with the planes, then hang around and smoke cigarettes with the ops types until time for the next round. Barracks fire watch was even more of a dawdle. You walked the hallways of the three two-story barracks buildings (solid brick and concrete because hurricanes) once an hour and reported to the barracks office/reception area that no fires or any shit like that were happening. They both were all-nighters that earned you the next day off.
I lucked out early during my tour. A guy came around to my machine shop and asked me to make him a 2-5/8” tow ball for his tow truck. He was getting ready to retire and I guess that was going to be his post-retirement gig. He tried to offer me some money as “comshaw” (google it) for the work I did, but I found out that he was my watch-bill coordinator. I told him no money was needed, but that it would be really nice if all my watch-standing to be barracks watches and always on Thursday nights. He was agreeable, and one Thursday night every month I stood my barracks watch, got my laundry done, anything else I needed to, including conjugal visits with my girlfriend in her room in the WAVE Cage. Friday mornings I was off to San Antonio for a party party weekend.
At some point, there was a rash of someone pulling fire alarms in the women’s barracks so they could get their jollies seeing the gals evacuating the building in their undies.
I was hanging out and having fun at my GF’s room one night while pulling watch. I asked her what she thought about the false fire alarms and wasn’t she worried that they had stopped evacuating when the alarm was pulled. She said she wasn’t worried because if there was a real fire, the barracks fire watch would come and tell them. I had to laugh and tell her that the barracks fire watch had spent the last 45 minutes bare-assed with her in her bunk and that I would probably be the last person to know about any damn fire. Also, it was time for me to put my uniform back on and go make my hourly report at the office.
Tawmmy from Quinzee as a man of science? Much like him with Ugly Ginny, I did NAWT see that coming.
My exact reaction.
Glad you mentioned qb coach Dorsey-is there any position coach that has done so much and received so little acclaim?