![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
[Author’s Note: Yes, this is the Tuesday Evening Open Thread. Jack shit is going on tonight, and as of now the biggest NFL news is Tyrod Taylor being named the Texans starter. Given that Jack Easterby has replaced the Texans medical staff with three faith healers and a televangelist, I give him three weeks before he gets injured and replaced again by a rookie. So instead, you get my Beloved Bills Season Preview]
2020 PREDICTION: 11-4-1, AFC Champions
2020 REALITY: 13-3, AFC Championship Game
[Door flies open]
TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE: Greetins and salutations, cawksukahs! Bet you did expect to see old Tawmmy in the Buffalo Jills preview, didja? Well, some fahkhead college boy named Reverend Mayhem reached out with some bullshit about “a man is best evaluated by his enemies.” Before last yeah, I’d have told him to fahk off, because Buffalo wasn’t really ouah rivals, just some hicks for Tawm Terrific to beat up on twice a season.
But then these shits go and win the fahking AFC East. THAT’S OUAH DIVISION, BY GAWD GIVEN RIGHT! So I decided to take a break and show these fahkin’ losahs why they should just give up now and allow Ouah Dahk Lawd to regain his rightful throne.
QUARTERBACK: Ok, so I know I should like this Josh Allen. He’s a giant slack-jawed white guy with a history of poor decision-making and casual racism. Fahk, if you showed someone a picture and told them he was my cousin Sully, no one would bat an eye. But this uppity shit decides to improoooove himself, like he’s bettah than us. His accuracy jumped to 69.2%. Top 5 in yahds, touchdowns (38) and yahds per attempt. 400 yahds on the ground, plus 8 moah touchdowns. FAHKIN’ CLIMAH! JUST WAIT FOAH MAC JONES!
RUNNING AND RECEIVING:
Heah we go. Buffalo’s running game was ranked 20th in the NFL last yeah, despite going in with two lead running backs in Devin Singletary and Zack Moss. Between the two of them, they barely broke 1,000 rushing yahds. This isn’t like a Patriots offense where stealing defensive signals means you can substitute a short passing game for an effective running game. They did bring in Matt Brieda as a “home run hitter”, but he ain’t NOMAH.
Stefon Diggs is still a stud, but a LAWKAH ROOM CANCAH because Mike Zimmah couldn’t handle him. Emmanuel Sanders has taken the place of mostly-injured John Brown. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM BLEEDING KANSASES???? That Dawson Knox is still going to suck at tight end. Cole Beasley is still on the team. Now, like Josh Allen I should love him. He’s a perfect candidate for the New England GRITTY WHITE RECEIVER club (although I don’t think he played lacrosse). But this cawksuckah is so fahkin’ ignorant that he managed to become the face of the NFL anti-vax movement despite being the fourth receiving option on a small-market team.
Listen folks, I make some bad decisions. I got bagged for punching a police horse outside Fenway because I thought the Yankees were bringing centaurs to the game. I pahtied my fahking face off the night before the bah exam and tanked it the first time. I took Ugly Ginny home aftah House-O’s wedding, despite the fact that she was 1. House-O’s little sistah AND 2. named Ugly fahking Ginny. But even I am not so gawdawful stupid as to buy inta this “vaccines will turn you into a gay impotent robot slave”. Vaccines work. NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Well, a buncha fahkin chuckleheads do. But faaaahk them.
OFFENSIVE LINE: They have all their starters from last year back. If one hadn’t had Big COVID and another wasn’t a COVIDjit, that might be scary.
Aight, I’ve got to get back to my Shrine to the Dahk Lawd and pray for Mac Jones to become someone other than Mac Jones. So I’m going to hand off this preview to another of Buffalo’s greatest enemies:
[Door flies open]
TIM GUNN: Oh, you poor benighted people of Buffalo. Listen, when Zubaz decides to open it’s first brick-and-mortar store and chooses your town? This worries me. I understand that when you have to dress in layers for seven months of the year, it’s hard to focus on high fashion. But with climate change, you guys are going to be the new Mexican Riviera. Time to get with the program. And the Bills? I love the move to the old royal-blue uniforms, but without the 80s and 90s red helmet? It’s just kind of…there.
DEFENSIVE LINE: Now, here is where you get to see what a good tailor can do for larger guys. Star Lotulelei is back from COVID opt-out and teaming with Ed Oliver (who is better than Ed Hardy at both football and fashion). The immortal Jerry Hughes will be rotating with first-round pick Greg Rousseau on one end, while Mario Addison, AJ Epenesa and rookie Boogie Basham will split time on the other end. It’s a good group that should be better against the run than last year, with Lotulelei back.
LINEBACKERS: All the same as last year, with Matt Milano being resigned, Tremaine Edmunds remaining a stud and surprise-5-sack-getter AJ Klein all returning.
SECONDARY: Well here we go from fabulous to tragic. Tre’Davious White remains one of the most consistent and exciting lockdown corners in the league. Micah Hyde and Jordan Poyer have quietly become a top-3 safety duo in the league, playing the run and the pass equally well and allowing a middling pass-rush to go deep in the playoffs. The problem is the other cornerbacks. Brandon Beane has been trying to replace Levi Wallace for three years, and every year no one is willing to step up. It’s a group of fifth-, sixth- and seventh-round replacement players; an approach that bit Beane in the ass in Carolina and will probably cause their Super Bowl ambitions to…unravel (giggles stylishly).
And with that, I welcome the last of Buffalo’s greatest enemies to bring this preview to a…clothes:
[Tablecloth flies off]
FLIMSY FOLDING TABLE: Why? WHY? What did I do? I’m a useful piece of furniture! I’m portable, lightweight and infinitely reusable. And yet every year, dozens of my brothers and sisters are brutally destroyed in the parking lots of Orchard Park for the sick pleasure of drunken Bills fans. #JUSTICE4CARDTABLES. And unfortunately, it looks like there might be extra playoff games to add more victims to the total.
COACHES: All the major coaches are back, somehow. Sean McDermott continues his tough-guy routine but is unwilling to come down on team leaders who MIGHT CAUSE THE TEAM TO FORFEIT FUCKING GAMES. Leslie Frazier and Brian Daboll are back as offensive and defensive coordinators. Daboll missed out on a head coaching gig because teams were in such a goddamned rush to hire new replacement-level white guys that they couldn’t wait for the playoffs to be over to announce a hire. Frazier also missed out because he’s a black man who was given his one shot at the big chair. No matter that he went 10-6 with CHRISTIAN PONDER as a quarterback. No, no second act for you. Brandon Staley is a head coach. Nick Sirianni is a head coach. CANNIBAL DAN CAMPBELL is a head coach. Jesus, maybe Bills fans aren’t the stupidest people in the NFL…
Ken Dorsey continues his unlikely run as a quarterback whisperer.
OVERALL: The Bills look to repeat as AFC East champions, probably at 13-4. They will make the Super Bowl and be mercilessly pummeled. And you know, I’m glad. Those bastard fans deserve to feel the pain of
[Voice cut off as fat drunken Bills fan powerbombs Flimsy Folding Table in half]
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