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A Commissioner For All Seasons

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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INT. AUDITORIUM THEATER, CHICAGO – DAY

We open backstage. A harried production assistant – MELISSA – holding a clipboard stands at attention, trying to simultaneously listen through a discreet earpiece as well as pass on instructions to a broad-shouldered, ginger-haired man.

MELISSA: Okay, we’re coming out of commercial…[listens]…and three…two…one…GO. [she pushes the ginger-haired man up the walkway to the main stage]

ANNOUNCER: [via theater’s public address system] PLEASE WELCOME YOUR HOST, NFL COMMISSIONER ROGER GOODELL!

draft-1

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: [smiling broadly] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2016 NFL Draft!

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: With the first pick, the Los Angeles Rams have selected Jared Goff, quarterback, from the University of California.

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: The Philadelphia Eagles are now on the clock.

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL retreats and returns backstage as the countdown begins.

GOODELL: Wow, they’re really letting me have it this year.

MELISSA: I wouldn’t worry about it, sir. It’s become tradition at this point. They’ll calm down soon enough.

GOODELL: Yeah, with all the excitement of these two big trades, plus how great of a job San Diego has done disguising their intentions, there should be plenty to cheer about this year.

MELISSA: Plus, check this out [shows him an Instagram video]

tunsil-1

GOODELL: A substance abuse policy violation already! How dramatic! I knew there was a reason I decided to wear…[plucks at outfit]…suspenders!

MELISSA: Ha ha ha, good one, sir!

Nine picks later…

GOODELL: Do you people like apples?

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: Well how do you like this Apple?

roger-goodell-nfl-2016-nfl-draft-768x565

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

INDIVIDUAL VOICE: Your jokes suck!

GOODELL: [returning backstage] Sheesh, rough crowd.

MELISSA: Oh, I’m sure they’re not boo-ing you anymore, sir. They just don’t like the pick. Apple’s got some physical talent, but he’s going to be a penalty machine at the NFL level.

Ten picks later…

GOODELL: …and the New York Jets have selected Darron Lee, linebacker, from THE Ohio State University

OHIO STATE GRADUATE: That’s our word, you can’t use that word!

GOODELL: …the?

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: [returning backstage] I’m not sure I can take much more of this.

MELISSA: No, no, sir, they’re Jets fans. I’m sure they were just saying “show us your boo-oobs!” They chanted it at me for ten minutes during the soundcheck and I’m barely even a B-cup.

GOODELL: Still, I think it’s time to mix in some of the ringers. Sergeant Giunta?

MEDAL OF HONOR RECIPIENT SALVATOR “SAL” GIUNTA: Absolutely, sir. Let’s do it.

Two minutes later…

GIUNTA: No, no, sir, it has nothing to do with you. Chicago’s just…a very liberal city. It’s basically Berkeley on Lake Michigan.

GOODELL: Well, let’s try again. You ready, Karis?

KARIS: Let me just unplug here…

cancer

GOODELL: No no, just wheel it right out onstage.  We wanna give those heartstrings a good old yank…

Two minutes later…

KARIS: They’re boo-ing cancer, sir. Trust me. Everyone hates cancer.

GOODELL: It just…it’s like no matter what I do, I can’t escape their jeers.

MELISSA: A moment, sir? One of the presenters for tomorrow wanted to say hi. [ushers a former player forward]

PLAYER: [holds out hand] Boo.

GOODELL: [wide-eyed] What?

PLAYER: Boo Williams, sir. I played for the New Orleans Saints. [smiles] That would have been before your time.

GOODELL: [shakes his hand] Of course, of course. Thanks for helping out.

MELISSA: Next pick is in.

GOODELL: All right, there’s no WAY they can boo me this time. Release the hounds!

puppy stampede

A set of Welsh Corgi puppies are released onto the stage, and an adult Corgi accompanies Goodell to the podium.

GOODELL: And with the twenty-third pick in the NFL the Minnesota Vikings have selected Laquon Treadwell, receiver, Ole Miss.

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: [aside to co-presenter] I swear to God, I think I’m losing my mind.

goodell-lobster

LOBSTER DOG: [looks at GOODELL] Boo-ark!

Two picks later…

MELISSA: It’s time.

GOODELL: [with a slight tremor in his hands] No more. I can’t do it any more.

MELISSA: Hey, that’s a pretty good Mohammed Ali impression, but maybe let’s just play this one straight.

GOODELL: Please.

MELISSA: It’s just a few more, sir.

GOODELL: [grimaces, returns to the stage]

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: All right, all right, I know you’re gonna like this one.

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: I swear, you won’t be saying “boo” after you hear this pick.

CROWD: BOOOOOO!!!

GOODELL: …and with the twenty-fifth pick in the 2016 NFL Draft, the Pittsburgh Steelers have selected…

[fin]

 

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[…] it should be evident that we have little love for the man.  And lots of hate.  The boos that he suffers at the beginning (and middle and end) of every draft is music to our […]

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Senor Weaselo

Junior Seau’s movie had heart, but Buttfumble had a buttfumble.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

We will always have Paris.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But then, everybody has had Paris Hilton.

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theeWeeBabySeamus

PLAYER: [holds out hand] Boo.
GOODELL: [wide-eyed] What?
PLAYER: Boo Williams, sir.

I literally spit Monster Energy onto my monitor.
That was some funny shit.

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Don T

I bet Ohio State graduates do believe “the” is theirs.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Well, at least “teh”

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Dang it…it’s thee…THEE!!!!
It’s part of the complex and layers handle/avatar I chose in the first place.
It’s like I don’t even know you peepuhl anymore.

(YOU PEOPLE????? Booooooo)

/end scene

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montythisseemsstrangetome

For corporate sponsorship reasons, Eli Apple has to change his name to Eli Microsoft.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Big Apple…… is fine with this.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

Oh god, I’ve sent Moose down a Jaclyn Smith rabbit hole now.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Yes you did you bastard; now it is the ‘get locked up in county jail to investigate and have the lesbian dominatrix guard search the Angles invasively’ plot devise that is dominating my thoughts again today.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That and corrupt hot lesbian nuns are my favorite plot devises. Somehow tentacles can be involved if it goes into the science fiction realm.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m eating lunch someplace where the current music is a marching band version of Sexual Healing.

It’s a good day.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If anyone is wondering how little Karis is doing, I’m happy to share that her cancer is in remission (I checked on this before I used the photo).

Also, if anyone doesn’t get the final joke, just look up who the Steelers took in the first round.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Karis was subsequently suspended when her urine sample was too dilute.

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WCS

I was saying “Boo-urns.”

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Unsurprised

MELISSA: No, no, sir, they’re Jets fans. I’m sure they were just saying “show us your boo-oobs!” They chanted it at me for ten minutes during the soundcheck and I’m barely even a B-cup.

Mark Sanchez fans?

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nomonkeyfun

Mark Sanchez fans chant that to girls still in training bras.
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–6eG4n0nd–/18zccpg370672gif.gif

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Unsurprised

That’s what I figured.

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nomonkeyfun

I was just looking for an excuse to post the gif again.

I think it is my favorite gif of all time.

I even prefer it to the Brie-Jacobs lingerie gifs.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Scott Norwood and Jackie Smith are lucky they don’t have gifs for one play out of a career. NFL films are enough for them.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ve always felt bad for Norwood because people insist that he “choked” when all he really did was miss. THIS is what choking looks like.

comment image

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Like Buckner; so many opportunities to win that series with others fucking up, but the blame is on his play.

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WCS

TOO FACKIN SOON

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montythisseemsstrangetome

BUT DON DENKINGER IS THE ONLY REASON #BFIB LOST TO ROYALS IN 1985

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

FARKIN BASTAGES!!!

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Unsurprised

Luke Wilson played Goodell in Concussion? Come on. That role is perfect for Owen Dicknose Wilson.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

They both only have one expression: Punchable.

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SonOfSpam

Lobster Dog saying “Boo-ark” made my day.

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Beerguyrob

DFO is the only appropriate place for Lobster Dog.

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Teddy's Bridge Over Troubled Water

“…listen through a discreet earpiece as well as pass on instructions to a broad-shouldered, ginger-haired man.”

Chuck Norris?

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blaxabbath

Our nation’s political fandom could really stand to learn a lesson from our sports fandom. Those Clowns In Congress (TCIC) should get boo’d everywhere they go, even by their supporters.

“Hey everyone! I got us funding to rehab that bridge we all depend on for safe and efficient travel!”
“BOOOOOO!!!”
“It’s going to improve our lives and is just getting our tax dollars back.”
“BOOOOOO!!!”

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laserguru

You got me thinking, here’s a fun exercise! Name a single politician on the city, state or national level that makes you say “I admire and respect this person and I’m sure they have only our best interests in mind.”

It will be a short exercise.

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nomonkeyfun

Living?

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Unsurprised

My former boss, but he retired years ago.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I still think Russ Feingold is a pretty decent guy, which probably explains why he’s not in office anymore.

I was on the tennis team with Chris Murphy (senator from Connecticut) in high school and from what I can remember and have read, he’s all right too.

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blaxabbath

The black man who SHOULD be President

comment image

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

You don’t think Donald Trump has your best interests at heart?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, if you’re interested in hot blondes with big tits, he at least SHARES your interests…

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nomonkeyfun

Not only that he’s hipster. He was into them (phrasing, I hope) before you.
http://cdn1.thr.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/675×380/2015/09/donald_trump_rollout_-_h_2015.jpg

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Especially his daughter’s tits.

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Nikki Haley seemed pretty genuine when I met her. But then again, so did Bobby Jindal, so I’m clearly not a very good judge of character.

Also, do not let Gary Herbert get behind the wheel of any vehicle. We almost learned that one the hard way…

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Oh man, if a politician of that level can’t charm you in a face-to-face meeting, they have no future in the game. I’ve always said that if I met George W. Bush in person, despite all my disdain for the man and what he did to our country, I’d probably end up thinking he was a really cool guy.

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JerBear50

I was a big fan of Dennis Kucinich and even worked for his 04 campaign down here. I didn’t agree with everything but he spoke his mind, often against his party, and I respect the shit out of that. That election was the last time I pulled the lever for a candidate from one of the big two parties.

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