Buttholes Extra Puckered Lesser Footy Open Thread

I am writing this on Thursday, 5 May – since I will be away from my ‘puter almost all of Friday.  Thank fuck Everton aren’t playing.  I am tense enough as is.

Oldest HippoSpawn graduates university.  I am proud of her, so I will go.  I will make no emotional displays, which HippoSpawn graciously accepts.  I will be around hordes of people, a likely plurality being “barbarians at the gate” genotype.  I expect MAGA hats aplenty.  Fuck y’all, my Mersey Royal Blue EFC cap will judge you.

I recall the salad days when we assumed 35 points would keep one up.  Then Team White Lives Matter and Ted Lasso’s Leeds decided (at various points this Spring) find some form out of left field.  Everton have beaten Men Untied AND Chelski, but remain on very shaky ground.  Even the magical 40 points of old?  Might not suffice.  Everton, that.

You also have various relegation and promotion playoff thingamabobs happening in May.  I love that shit.  SO INTERESTINGLY TENSE (for the neutral).  I may get into that more in the night thread.  Depends on how tired I am Saturday (this) afternoon.

Real Cuntfaces of Madrid and Mass-Ejaculate-Recipient Redshite can both eat shit and die.  This mammal won’t be watching the Shempions finale.  It’s like a Superb Owl where both teams are quartered backed by MRSA Dreamboat.  Don’t give Ginger Hammer any goddamned ideas.

Samuel Alito seems like the kind of douchebag who WOULD watch, with one of those puppy abortion (pun intended) “half and half” scarves on.  Ass licking sumbitch.

If I am reading NBC’s wonky website correctly (caveat emptor), then we don’t have ballgames until the 10:00 window, with only Chelski/Wolves (USA) on teevee.  Which is good, as I don’t have the stomach to even glance at White Lives Matter against Villa (Peacock).  Yes, every Bitter Blue expects Slippy G to throw this match, to fuck the Toffees over.  He is a bell end of Hall of Fame calibre.

Other streamables are dead rubbers.  Trashbirds host Men Untied (12:30, NBC) in a most questionably selected Spotlight Dance.  Oh well.  Spurs actually have “chasing 4th position” to play for, but they’ll still lose to the dirty suckers-of-Satan’s-greasy-cock at Anfield (2:45, USA).

Sunday.  Jesus Christ, Sunday.  Three games at 9:00, with Everton away to Leicester (USA) and Leeds visiting the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (Peacock??) leading the way.  Oh God, this is gonna suck.  Arsenal at least also have 4th/Shempions bid to chase, and will be rested and HOPEFULLY focused.

My colon is already spasming, just thinking about it.  Bonesaws did fuckshit to derail the Shite last weekend, but watch them take sommet off Emotionally Devastate City of Men (11:30 Sun, USA), just to complete the shit sandwich.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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yeah right

Having already secured promotion to the Premier League Bournemouth played a meaningless last game today… and won anyway.

Get ready big boys, Cherries are heading up.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

DJ 3000: HEY I FINISHED EDITING THAT FOOTAGE DO YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE IT?

https://www.reddit.com/r/CombatFootage/comments/ukl0es/ukrainian_su27_striking_snake_island_as_filmed_by/

WCS

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rockingdog

LOL
Chelsea blows a two goal lead today
When the new owners show up to watch
That doesn’t seem Rocking

scotchnaut

“I’m not gonna lie-I don’t like Starlight Sparkle’s chances but I’m confident that she’ll make friends along the way.”

-Anon, Ohio

Dunstan

Starlight Sparkle is my Brony name!

scotchnaut

“Summer Is Tomorrow” is pulling double duty-it’s a horse in the Kentucky Derby and a Hallmark Movie about a small town girl trying to save her dad’s granola farm.

scotchnaut

“We like horses, basketball and denying dirty whore women the right to an abortion-come visit us soon!”

-The State of Kentucky

scotchnaut

The funny hats, the weird names, all the prop betting, the actual event lasting only two minutes, tons of people watching from the stands-reminds me a lot of my wedding night.

/don’t feel bad-I took the over on 2 minutes and barely scraped by. Made a killing. “Thanks Baseball!”

scotchnaut

Tested positive for the C-word on Tuesday but was free of symptoms this morning, so I decided to go for a run. It turned into a walk/jog after 15 minutes. After 20 minutes I wanted to lie on the side of the road. (this is not an exaggeration) I decided that this wouldn’t be a good look and pushed through.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“C-word? You mean cooties?” – Eli Manning

Brick Meathook

crabs?

Dunstan

So, the horses that were “formerly” trained by Baffert are essentially still his, right? Like, his “disqualification” is more or less an “Olympic Athletes From Russia” situation?

Just want to make sure I’m correct to cheer against his cheating ass.

Brick Meathook

His only crime was that he got caught. Horse racing is crookeder than boxing, MMA, professional wrestling, and world chess all combined times a thousand.

WCS

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Senor Weaselo

“What about chessboxing?” -Method M., Shaolin

Dunstan

I’m sure cheating is rampant, but Baffert seems to get caught more than anyone else, which means he’s either really shitty at cheating (despite being better at pretty much every other aspect of training), or else he cheats more aggressively.

Horatio Cornblower

My Derby pick is the horse running out of the #8 gate. No, I don’t want to know the odds, or even its name.

This concludes my annual paying attention to horse racing.

TheRevanchist

McTominay was molesting people the entire game and it got him nothing. Maybe try molesting the ball with your feet instead?

Wakezilla

WHY THE FUCK IS CAVANI AND MATA PLAYING MOST OF THIS MATCH WHEN THEY WON’T EVEN BE REDS IN 10 DAYS!? We’re down 4, PLAY THE FUCKING KIDS!

Wakezilla

Manchester United’s mid and defense is garbage. The kind of penetration Brighton is doing to them is the kind that you only see in a hardcore porn.

Senor Weaselo

WAIT, is he the one who was going to shit in the truck bed?

Senor Weaselo

Hey 2Pack, as you’re our Italian footy expert, I believe have a relative (down multiple ways) who plays for futsal squad Audax Rutigliano.

I don’t know if I have anything further than that, just figured bring it out there.

2Pack

They are way down south near Bari, right by the heal of the “boot”. A Series C2 team so pretty local. I think they play regional (like state) opponents until they get up in C Series.

Senor Weaselo

I know that much, because that’s where the family’s from. But knowing that they’re C2 is good to know, and… it looks like 10 points out of the playoff.

Better them than San Severo, right?

2Pack

Yep. We are probably dropping into Series C next year, unless we win out and get some help. At this rate we might meet those guys, LOL. Probably not, the team has been doing that here lately, high in the C but only so so in B.

Horatio Cornblower

So, Sunderland, but better food?

2Pack

Much better food. It’s hard to find a bad restaurant around here. I am super spoiled. I use waitress hot factor to thin the options.

Senor Weaselo

Well your squad is proper footy, not five aside, right?

2Pack

Totally proper. We got a two game playoff coming up to see if go down into C Series or not.

BeefReeferLives

‘Kay. a bit o’ sleepitimes ,2 shots o’ espresso, 2 hits o’ DJ blueberry short, and your creamisicle ginger kitteh is still totes adorbes, HipmasterFlash. Quite jelly. Am planning a daring-do, devil-may-care, 70ies-style, catnapping.

Somethin’ like this, but your cute lil kitteh in place of the shroom recipe packet:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uvRBUw_Ls2o

Senor Weaselo

IMPORTANT UPDATE: I have found Stewart Copeland’s Spyro playlist on Spotify.

I apologize to Senorita Weaselo in advance.

litre_cola

Good morning! Worked 16 hours yesterday with a cold and feel like death! Rest today? No sirree. Taking wee man to swimming and ningymnastics then a house warming party.

I want to play in traffic.

Good thing Mighty Whitey showed up this morning and got thumped 4 nil by team knifey.

At least there will still be delicious fermented grapes later.

2Pack

Pace yourself

litre_cola

I mean wine and cold meds are fun right?

2Pack

Yeah its Saturday, go ahead, feed your inner Ozzy.

WCS

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BeefReeferLives

Hit that hash pipe. Hard.

Senor Weaselo

In fairness, *checks ESPN to verify* I’m guessing they played the third string squad since they clinched the title and were on the road so not in front of their home fans for a victory lap?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ningymnastics? Is that like ninja gymnastics?

Senor Weaselo

Is Deci gonna climb Mini Mt. Midoriyama on Canadian Ninja Warrior?

Wakezilla

Get some rest, Litre. I did the same thing earlier this year and wound up in the hospital. I’m still going through specialist tests on my heart and lung

Brick Meathook

Only horses with cool names ever win the Triple Crown, and there’s only one cool name in today’s race, Epicenter, and even that is marginal. The rest are just scrubs who should give it up and go pull plows or be glue or whatever it is that failed racehorses do.

Senor Weaselo

And American Pharoah. BECAUSE THEY SPELLED PHARAOH WRONG.

WCS

$50 on Future Dog Food to win, $25 on Glue Factory to place.

WCS
Last edited 2 years ago by WCS
Dunstan

I hear there’s samsquatches in those woods, too!

WCS

And Saskatchewans.

2Pack

Here is how smart thinking football clubs keep the media coverage easy to watch.

17091137_small-Copia-768x511.jpg
Game Time Decision

That’s a great desk

ballsofsteelandfury

The one on the left.

All day and twice on Sunday.

2Pack

Indeed

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2Pack

Congratulations on the graduation party. Makes a Dad proud huh Buddy

2Pack

You are welcome my friend

Barbara-Pedrotti-6.jpg
2Pack

She is probably sad right now, her side lost to Napoli. Our other favorite ladies favorite side… amirite Balls?

ballsofsteelandfury

Indeed!

ballsofsteelandfury

Mamma Mia!

litre_cola

Love me some Torino! Fuck Juve, way to show up yesterday Old lady!

2Pack

Yeah they are cryin in their spitz this afternoon

Senor Weaselo
rockingdog

Found a funny;

[trying to insult a british person even though I know nothing about england] heard your mom is from Leeds

BeefReeferLives

You Have an ADORBES ginger kittttteH, so YOU WIN HIIIIIPPPPPO!
Game OVAHH

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives