Guttersnipe

Speaking of balls rolling down things, let’s talk about my throat. No, wait, that doesn’t sound right. Ah, what’s the worst that can happen? Not like anyone will notice, eh Rumpelstiltskin?

/lo fives dwarf

So I’m at the dentist today for my semi-annual cleaning. The hygienist is busy so the dentist does her thing first. She pokes around, gasps, then says, (and you have to do this with a significant Slavic accent to really get the full effect), “do people tell me you have bad breath?” To which I, who do not want to anger a woman who has two fingers of one hand on my tongue, (and not in a good way), and is holding a sharp metal hook in the other, do not say “has anyone told you your bedside manner sucks goat balls?”, but instead say “nough, na reewy” because it’s hard to form words when your tongue is being held by someone else and moved side-to-side while that person peers down your throat with a headlamp.

“You have cryptic tonsils!” she says, in a manner I can only describe as ominous wonder.

“Uh gots crptuh wha now?” I manage.

“Cryptic tonsils!”she replies, this time oddly delightedly. She then explain that tonsils have folds, or “crypts” in them, and that as we get older they get either bigger or just more prone to getting bacteria and food bits in them, which in turn can lead to sore throats, (don’t get them unless ill), and/or bad breath, (which my wife, who would not hesitate to say otherwise, says I do not have), (my mother said the same, as I took her to dinner after the dentist, and she was in fact very angry that anyone would even suggest that her little boy has breath that smells of anything other than roses and angel’s wings. I am 53 years old), and she then proceeds to use what I can only assume was a vacuum cleaner and a dental mirror to hold my tongue down and remove what I will admit were disturbingly large chunks of…something(s).

This was arguably worse than the cleaning, even if it didn’t involve having your gum lines scraped out with high pressure water. I am also pleased to announce that I have a surprisingly responsive gag reflex for someone who went to an all-boys Catholic high school.

I got home and checked the mirror and there is a surprisingly large hole in one of my tonsils. I just filled it with some chocolate ice cream.

Anyway people, apparently we should all be gargling more in order to prevent these build-ups.

This has been “Modern Dentistry With Horatio”, a feature that will never recur.