CrimeBeat!: Rob Ford Memorial Edition

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 22, 2016March 22, 2016

Ladies and gentlemen, sad news from the sporting world today as Toronto Councillo(u)r Rob Ford passed away at 46. We here at CrimeBeat! extend our best wishes to his family, his friends, and his dealers. Due to overwhelming sadness, and a complete goddamn lack of any newsworthy arrests, CrimeBeat! will

CrimeBeat!: Booooooooooorrred

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 17, 2016March 17, 2016

Mother pus bucket...this is what I have to deal with? Jesus, the phrase is "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." You're handing me two raisins and expecting me to make wine. Two little wizened raisins, like Favre-testicle raisins. No one wants BrittFar Testicle Wine. No one's going to read

CrimeBeat!: Meth-Smoking Clown Arrested at Waffle House

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 10, 2016March 10, 2016

Welcome again, imaginary Internet friends! Ohhh men. MEN! The offseason blotter is finally heating up, and CrimeBeat! is here with as many of the sphincter-clenching reality-bombs about the men behind the game we love as I feel like typing about while avoiding work. Joseph Randle got arrested again, but it

CrimeBeat!: For Whom The Bell-End Tolls

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - March 3, 2016March 3, 2016

It was another boring week here at CrimeBeat!- no one went batshit at the Combine, there were no Fax Machine Malfunctions at the franchise tag deadline, but (as far as we know) no one punched, choked or otherwise abused a spouse or child, so....progress? In the great journalistic tradition of

CrimeBeat!: Seriously, What the S**t, Joseph Randle?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 25, 2016February 25, 2016

It's C-c-c-c-c-c-Combine Week, bitches! So far, no one has gotten arrested or been struck by divine enlightenment in Indy, but it's early, so *fingers crossed*. In more conventional bad behavior: Joseph Randle CHARGE: What, do I have all day for this? Ok, so he doesn't fit quite so comfortably into the "Current Player" category

CrimeBeat!: Who Took My Slippers!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 18, 2016February 18, 2016

It's our second edition of CrimeBeat!, the Local Ace Award Winning series. It's been a relatively quiet week in terms of bad behavior by current NFL players, which is somewhat shocking given that St. Valentine's Day is often a particularly troublesome night on the domestic front. Former NFL players are getting

DFO Crime Beat!: It’s Always Stompy In Philadelphia

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem - February 11, 2016February 11, 2016

Welcome to the emotionally-barren frigid wasteland that is the NFL Off-Season. While we will try to fill the void with obsessive draft coverage ("He's got tight hips! He'll never make it as a cornerback!"), dick jokes, methadone sports (hockey, AFL, based-ball) and intoxicants, we can't ignore the other hallowed off-season