CrimeBeat!: For Whom The Bell-End Tolls

It was another boring week here at CrimeBeat!- no one went batshit at the Combine, there were no Fax Machine Malfunctions at the franchise tag deadline, but (as far as we know) no one punched, choked or otherwise abused a spouse or child, so….progress? In the great journalistic tradition of 24 Hour News Channels, I’m just going to trump up (ha!) the importance of what little there is in the interests of convincing you this is Relevant. We almost had a bust for marijuana possession, but it turned out to be just another ghost story.

CHRIS JONES

CHARGE: Indecent Exposure, Embarrassing A Sponsor, Making Peter King Feel Like Even Less of a Man

It’s become common for (half) wits to refer to the Combine as the Underwear Olympics. First off, it’s no more underweary than the normal Olympics- none of them are exactly wearing ballgowns while bobsledding.

Although I would watch that.

Second, at least one Combinee allegedly decided to skip the underwear entirely. Mississippi State defensive tackle Chris Jones managed a more-than-respectable-for-a-300-pound-human 5.04 in the 40 yard dash. Unfortunately, part of his anatomy got there a little faster than the rest when his Darren Rovell popped out of his shorts. Jones went to the ground as soon as he crossed the finish line and tucked himself back in with an embarrassed look and as little ado as possible. However, the Super Slo-Mo Cam caught the incident and the resulting replay provided a certain amount of snicker value for Rich Eisen and company. On the upside, no one has had the poor taste to call him the event’s “stand out” performer.

Until now.

No word yet from official outfitter Under Armour on its product’s failure to adequately Protect That House.

ALEX MACK

CHARGE: JAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLBRRREEAAAAAKKKKK

Javon “Alex” Mack (no, seriously, giant goofy white dude is named Javon) allegedly voided the final three years and $24 million of his contract with the Cleveland Browns. Mack did not appear at the press conference called to announce his decision, although witnesses report a crazed figure ranting about “finally being free” and attempting to set fire to the Factory of Sadness. Upon further investigation, it was determined this was simply the mayor of Cleveland.

Seriously though, good for Mack. People always talk about how shitty it is that teams can just cut a player if he is too expensive, and want guaranteed contracts for NFL players. But that’s going to be the owners’ line in the sand. In the meantime, the rise of the opt-out clause has provided some much-needed balance to the equation. If you underperform, they’ll cut you, but if you overperform, you don’t have to resort to training-camp-holdout shenanigans to get something closer to your true market value.

Mack’s case is a great illustration. I would call him the best center in the game right now. But those two Pouncey dicks and Rodney Fucking Hudson were set to out-earn him. Plus, Mack had already shown unspeakable faith in the Browns rebuilding process by signing this contract in 2014. Keep in mind, that was five starting quarterbacks ago.  The opt-out sprung a very talented offensive lineman from a very shitty team.

Reached for comment, Carson Wentz’s spleen cowered behind his liver and began weeping bitter, bitter tears.

TEFLON LESEAN MCCOY

CHARGE: Still nothin’, bitches!

In an apparent attempt to widen the already gaping disconnect between itself and the Philadelphia Police Department, the District Attorney’s office allegedly ain’t done shit other than schedule a meeting to talk to McCoy and his attorney- a meeting that McCoy cancelled when word leaked out.

Community leaders have appealed for calm after McGruff the Crime Dog was mugged and beaten by a group of anonymous briefcase-wielding assailants.