It was another boring week here at CrimeBeat!- no one went batshit at the Combine, there were no Fax Machine Malfunctions at the franchise tag deadline, but (as far as we know) no one punched, choked or otherwise abused a spouse or child, so….progress? In the great journalistic tradition of 24 Hour News Channels, I’m just going to trump up (ha!) the importance of what little there is in the interests of convincing you this is Relevant. We almost had a bust for marijuana possession, but it turned out to be just another ghost story.
CHRIS JONES
CHARGE: Indecent Exposure, Embarrassing A Sponsor, Making Peter King Feel Like Even Less of a Man
It’s become common for (half) wits to refer to the Combine as the Underwear Olympics. First off, it’s no more underweary than the normal Olympics- none of them are exactly wearing ballgowns while bobsledding.
Although I would watch that.
Second, at least one Combinee allegedly decided to skip the underwear entirely. Mississippi State defensive tackle Chris Jones managed a more-than-respectable-for-a-300-pound-human 5.04 in the 40 yard dash. Unfortunately, part of his anatomy got there a little faster than the rest when his Darren Rovell popped out of his shorts. Jones went to the ground as soon as he crossed the finish line and tucked himself back in with an embarrassed look and as little ado as possible. However, the Super Slo-Mo Cam caught the incident and the resulting replay provided a certain amount of snicker value for Rich Eisen and company. On the upside, no one has had the poor taste to call him the event’s “stand out” performer.
Until now.
No word yet from official outfitter Under Armour on its product’s failure to adequately Protect That House.
ALEX MACK
CHARGE: JAAAAAAAAAIIIIIILLLLLBRRREEAAAAAKKKKK
Javon “Alex” Mack (no, seriously, giant goofy white dude is named Javon) allegedly voided the final three years and $24 million of his contract with the Cleveland Browns. Mack did not appear at the press conference called to announce his decision, although witnesses report a crazed figure ranting about “finally being free” and attempting to set fire to the Factory of Sadness. Upon further investigation, it was determined this was simply the mayor of Cleveland.
Seriously though, good for Mack. People always talk about how shitty it is that teams can just cut a player if he is too expensive, and want guaranteed contracts for NFL players. But that’s going to be the owners’ line in the sand. In the meantime, the rise of the opt-out clause has provided some much-needed balance to the equation. If you underperform, they’ll cut you, but if you overperform, you don’t have to resort to training-camp-holdout shenanigans to get something closer to your true market value.
Mack’s case is a great illustration. I would call him the best center in the game right now. But those two Pouncey dicks and Rodney Fucking Hudson were set to out-earn him. Plus, Mack had already shown unspeakable faith in the Browns rebuilding process by signing this contract in 2014. Keep in mind, that was five starting quarterbacks ago. The opt-out sprung a very talented offensive lineman from a very shitty team.
Reached for comment, Carson Wentz’s spleen cowered behind his liver and began weeping bitter, bitter tears.
TEFLON LESEAN MCCOY
CHARGE: Still nothin’, bitches!
In an apparent attempt to widen the already gaping disconnect between itself and the Philadelphia Police Department, the District Attorney’s office allegedly ain’t done shit other than schedule a meeting to talk to McCoy and his attorney- a meeting that McCoy cancelled when word leaked out.
Community leaders have appealed for calm after McGruff the Crime Dog was mugged and beaten by a group of anonymous briefcase-wielding assailants.
[…] know I bagged on the NFL Combine last year for failing to produce much in the way of drama and I was ready to write this one off as producing little more than some hospital drama. But now, we […]
[…] over the last year of doing this “column,” I have bitched on numerous occasions in the past about how desolate and bereft of Crime News I Can Use the off-season can be. […]
For those insomniacs in the group, finally heard from my neighbor from last night’s story time. She reports that was her screaming, but no one else was in the apartment, she had gotten some terrible news and reacted horribly. Doesn’t explain virtually anything else from last night, but at least she’s ok….
Soooo….she cray cray?
Seems…legit?
Our subsequent communication today was not fully reassuring.
The whole not answering the door…multiple times if I recall correctly, including the local PoPo arrival, yes?….would have me thinking she’s full o’ shit.
But that’s just me.
/maybe she likes and was having rough sex and is embarrassed
//if true, please forward her contact information immediately
///I am in the Balt/DC area quite regularly
Glad she’s okay, but….
http://45.media.tumblr.com/55090caa5639b1874dbce0662ab63d23/tumblr_nu17v2rLZp1rwhddio1_500.gif
“Oh…Honey”
That gif sums up my end of the text exchange.
Not your monkeys, not your circus.
This doesn’t make your blotter?
Loitering? Peeping? BEING A SEAHAWK???
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/kam-chancellor-cops-gym-seattle-seahawks_us_56d85d71e4b0ffe6f8e85277
DFO CrimeBeat!: Soft On Thoughtcrime.
#SoftOnThoughtcrime #BigBrother2016
Didn’t find out until the post was already up this morning. I’m plotting out my scathing, Peter-Kingian rebuke for next week’s column. “I’m not saying he’s an unrepentant thug that any pair of well-meaning white women working in an out-of-business gym would naturally think was intending to rape them to death. But next time he thinks about selfishly holding out for a new contract, maybe he should think again.”
I assume they were white.
Does that make me raycess, or just almost statistically certain?
“intending to rape them to death.”
That’s a funny chain of words.
I like your tagline “Python escapes from zoo”
Shit.
Wow, this post totally engorged me.
* errrrr…… engaged.
“I POSTED THIS FOUR DAYS AGO YOU ASSHATS!!”
-WCS
Was it in an open thread? Cuz ain’t nobody got time to wade back through 450 AC/DC YouTube links to see what’s been said there.
You shut up. AC/DC youtube links are what make the engine purr.
And yes, it was a thread comment. Not sure if an official open thread but….HEY YOU SHUT UP!!!!
(there’s more backstory to WCS commenting that he posted it previously…but I’m too lazy to do the data mining for the proper references)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gDch1p4c_M
This was going to be a response to jjfozz’s commando kid post, but I think the potential for a nut shot thread demands its own post:
“Man, I don’t even play two-hand touch without a cup.
First, I have enormous balls. No joke, they’re like hairy pink cue balls. These provide zero real world benefit and a lot of real world aggravation. They basically pain targets that get in the way of everything. I sit on the fuckers ALL. THE. TIME. Couldn’t get the huge DICK, no sir, got the huge BALLS. FUCK.
Second, those balls took maybe the worst shot ever. I was playing street hockey in my neighborhood and was running up to block a shot. Well, I blocked it all right. Right in the six-hole. Then, and I swear this is true, the kid that was shooting lost his grip on his stick and i got that right in the six-hole a nanosecond later. I have a vague recollection of rolling around on the ground and screaming for my mother like a dying Tommy in at the Somme. I couldn’t get up for 20 minutes and spent the next two days in my dad’s La-Z-Boy icing those throbbing fuckers down. This is when I first learned the blueberries rather than peas trick for having something worthwhile leftover after you ice your vasectomy balls.
After that, my cup was like the fucking American Express card.
Time for your nut shot stories!”
This is fantastic prose and, despite the phantom nut pain I felt, I am better having read it.
I played my first year of football without a cup. I had (still have?) some weird shyness and could not ask my mom to buy one for me; neither could I go buy one with my mom.
Needless to say, I was in constant fear for my dick and balls.
Next year, one of my friends (who was older than the rest of us) started driving, and he drove me to the store where I bought my first cup. It was revelationary. Playing football in that thing, I felt indestructible. Blocked a punt that year with my cup. I could not believe people played contact sports–or baseball–without one.
Then, my senior year in high school, during a nutcracker drill (no lie), a junior with an ill-fitting jock got one of his balls sandwiched between the cup and his leg. He never played football again, and we (un)affectionately (and surreptitiously) called him “One-Ball” or “Uni-ball” from then on.
I got a lot less secure about the indestructibility of my junk after that, too.
http://33.media.tumblr.com/95580f42d14102d2a02daf473a691c3c/tumblr_myo1c2dBUW1t4cjqvo5_250.gif
When I was a teenager I used to coach soccer fundamentals to a bunch of 4- and 5-year-olds. Turns out the big ones really have legs on them. Took a penalty kick right on the sweet spot. Practise was cancelled for the rest of the day. Parents laughed considerably, but were sympathetic.
Worst I ever saw was back when I used to ski race, however; in the slalom (the tightest courses), the gates are only single, flexible poles drilled into the snow. There’s a lot of spring to them, as you’re supposed to lean into them and whack in order to keep your speed up. You’ve got some padding, though – see the picture.
Anyways, one unlucky dipshit forgot to wear his cup during pre-race course inspection one day, and as his luck so happened, he happened to straddle a gate, and the thing snapped right back up underneath his legs.
He did not race that day.
I don’t even know if he lived, to be honest with you. I saw him get carted off and never saw him again after that. Poor bastard.
I was on stage. College play. The director made a “choice” that a scene of brothers talking shouldn’t be in a kitchen or a bar or whatever the text specified. No, it should be the brothers playing catch, and as the tension in the scene escalated, she decided the throws should get harder. At the peak of the scene, my buddy Mike was supposed to chuck it hard offstage over my head and storm off.
We’re up there doing this scene on the second weekend of performance. We’d gotten used to it and had started throwing in a little variety to keep it fresh- just changes in body language, that sort of thing. Well, I decide to three-quarters turn away in shame during my Big Admission. Mike shouts “You did what!?!?” per the script. Problem is, instead of throwing the ball offstage, he hurls it directly at my crotch. I turn back just in time to catch it square in the junk. Down I go, like there’s a sniper in the mezzanine. I deliver my monologue on betrayal and regret from my hands and knees, with the first legitimate tears I’ve ever had on stage. Thankfully, that was the end of the scene- curtain closes and one of the stagehands helps me up.
I’m told that it was a really moving and engaging performance. I just wish I had been acting.
I hope you killed him.
No- he gave me my first good bottle of scotch as an apology.
Also, when we did Midsummers Nights Dream, I called his character “Testiclese” during all rehersals
“a scene of brothers talking shouldn’t be in a kitchen or a bar”
What about the movies?
Yeah, I can find the door.
PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENISPENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS
The first draft of Aaron Rodgers’ autobiography needs work.
I’ll take “What is mightier than the sword?” for $400, Alex.
Did you type “PENIS” that many times, or is this mostly a cut/paste job.
(hehe…job)
4, then 12.
Who among us hasn’t shown his dick while doing a 40?
/opens King Cobra
//gets fooled by smooth taste
///drops trou
////problem was always with Crazy Horse
/////and dressing little soldier like a brave
Look a whole thread about dick jokes.
We were born for this!
After studying Chris Jones’ combine tape relentlessly, Aaron Rodgers is very excited about the thought of him coming to the Packers.
I watched the trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie.
That is probably as much of the movie as I will watch.
I know, right? I really enjoyed Spy but everything about this new movie seems incredibly forced.
The only thing I enjoyed about the whole damn thing was the blue-light effect for the ghosts. I think that looks cool, but I find glowing cobalt blue shit nifty looking. Everything else was basically a bunch of SNL writers saying, “what jokes wouldn’t work in a Ghostbusters sketch?” and then throwing them in this script.
Didn’t even know there was such a thing.
Now that I know, I shall avoid it out of GP.
Thank you for the heads up.
http://southpark.cc.com/clips/388737/rated-arg-for-pirates
“Fuck you, you’ll watch it!”
Chris Jones is going to be a strip sack specialist, getting those balls loose.
Goddamnit, there it is. There’s the joke I was hunting for. Nice.
Banner quote.
I would be very afraid to do a Google search for “Two Pouncey Dicks.”
Pussy.
In related news, my oldest told me he goes commando when playing soccer so “everything is just moving around and not distracting me.”
I laughed, but then realized that he is playing soccer and I hadn’t noticed.
Not noticing your kid’s extracurriculars? Get ready for this.
http://bite-prod.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/mark_taylor-e1311715733351.jpg
Fun note: only one of them was high as a kite in this scene
This post has be torn between referring to my genitals as “the kid and caboodle” or “the extracurriculars.”
Argh. “Me” not “be.” I need an edit button.
That kinda sounds like two names for the same thing.
Just saying.
Haha…I guess it is two names for the same thing, judging by your typo pseudo-correct.
Considering the number of typos I made in that post, it’s entirely possible those two names actually should have been the same thing.
Hey man, if Nike Pro Combat gear can handle Trent Richardson’s monster then I think they should have a hundred year contract with the Combine.
http://bloximages.chicago2.vip.townnews.com/sandmountainreporter.com/content/tncms/assets/v3/editorial/4/99/499fba2e-7abc-11e1-9c1e-0019bb2963f4/4f763b7b2030d.preview-300.jpg
Thank you for that.
http://imagesmtv-a.akamaihd.net/uri/mgid:file:http:shared:mtv.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/wilde-1427893487.gif
That gif seems like it’s been sped up; Trent Richardson doesn’t move that fast in real life.
And he seems to be running towards open space, which also doesn’t happen.
Are we sure? An O-Lineman may be taking that picture.
So, the penis, how much are we talking
or was it mostly balls? Did it (they?) disqualify the run time?
It looked like the whole kit and caboodle burst out. You might say as a player he was the…
[sunglasses fly on]
…whole package.
I want to hate you for that, but I can’t.
(I love this general reply.)
Give in to your hate. I won’t judge.