Because you’re a discerning group, I’ve assembled a blue-ribbon panel of parochial pundits to prognosticate the prospects for the putative pantywaists of the NFC East, my Philadelphia Eagles.¹ Please welcome Philadelphia native and Matron Saint Suzy Kolber, Super Bowl loser and noted telestrator Ron Jaworski, and frequent WIP caller Ant’ny from South Philly.

SUZY
Welcome, guys. Chip Kelly and the Eagles have had a tumultuous offseason, dismantling a 10-6 team and parting with their starting quarterback, leading rusher, and leading receiver, all Pro-Bowlers.² Is this going to work?

RON
Well, Suzy, in the National Football League, if you don’t have a quarterback, you don’t have a team. If I’m the Eagles, I’m concerned that Sam Bradford isn’t going to stay healthy. Behind him you have Mark Sanchez, who can be effective but won’t win you a game by himself. In my opinion, Chip’s taking a huge gamble here.

ANT’NY
LeSean McCoy’s running game is like his party-hosting game; he spends too much time dancing and doesn’t know how to choose from the multiple holes in front of him. Ohhhhhh! But on the quarterbacks, I hear ya, Jaws. I didn’t want to see Foles go, but I gotta say, Bradford has that special something that Vick and McNabb never had. Call it the “winner’s gene”. Look how many Super Bowls McNabb got to or almost got to, and how many did he win? NONE. Mark my words, if Bradford is ever good enough to advance in the playoffs multiple times and get to a Super Bowl, he’ll win one. Tebow, too.

SUZY
Strong words, guys! We’ve tackled the players, now what about the coach? Chip Kelly has been called an arrogant college guy who’s out of his depth, he’s been called a genius, and he’s been called a guy who’s making it up as he goes along. He might be all three.³ What’s your take?

RON
Well, Suzy, in the National Football League, if you don’t have a coach, you don’t have a team. If I’m owner Jeff Lurie, I’m concerned that Chip Kelly isn’t going to keep enough talent on the team to win. Behind his methods you have the philosphy that “culture beats scheme”. Cultivating a culture can be effective, but it’s not going to win you a game by itself. In my opinion, Chip’s taking a huge gamble here.

ANT’NY
Look, if nobody else is gonna say it, I will. Chip’s soft. Personalized smoothies, short practices, 10 hours of sleep, plenty of water, “science”. I tell you what, Chuck Bednarik didn’t need any of that shit to knock Frank Gifford into next week. You gotta stop babying these millionaires and start kicking their ass! I tell you what we need, we need a coach like…

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

BUDDY
Rexy led me to believe there would be more whores on this side of the door.

SUZY
It’s former Eagles coach and Kevin Gilbride-puncher Buddy Ryan!

RON
National Football League!

ANT’NY
[comes]

 BUDDY
Yer damn right you need a coach like me. This guy you got here don’t know how to coach a quarterback. He’s too hands on. You gotta treat a quarterback like a baby wolf, you just throw him out there and let him fend for himself. I did that with Randall Cunningham and what happened? He almost made a Super Bowl.

RON
To be fair, Buddy, that was with the Vikings, and baby wolves are actually quite nurtu…

BUDDY
Shut up, choker. Look out, it’s Rod Martin!

RON
[shits himself]

 SUZY
All right guys, I can see you’re up for some spirited debate, but this isn’t “First Take”, let’s bring some decorum to the fes…

ANT’NY
Listen, Suzy, you’re not as hot as you used to be, so you should probably clam up. The men are talking here. I say we hire back Buddy, install a 2-QB system with Bradford and Tebow in the backfield at the same time, and win a fucking ring, amirite? There’s always one game you lose to a terrible team, but there’s no way this team should go less than 15-1 before rolling on to…

SUZY
Shut up, asshole.
[throws a snowball at Ant’ny’s head, knocking him out briefly before he comes to, rubbing his head and showing a look of shocked clarity on his face]

ANT’NY
So anyway, as I believe I was saying, I find the 2015 Eagles an extraordinarily difficult team to forecast. While wholesale changes are rarely good for a team, talent was added as well as subtracted. Kiko Alonso, Byron Maxwell, Eric Rowe, and the return of Healthy DeMeco Ryans can only improve the dumpster fire that was the 2014 Eagles defense.⁴ That should make up for any decline in the offense in case Mecha-Bradford, DeMarco Murray, Ryan Mathews, Tackle-To-Be-Named-Later, and first round pick Nelson Agholor don’t live up to expectations.

Provided Bradford stays healthy (you kind of have to just go with that in order to make any kind of prediction), I see the 2015 Eagles finishing up around where the 2014 Eagles did. I see somewhere from 9-7 to 11-5, with a puncher’s chance of being very good and a corresponding chance of being very bad depending on how the new hires work out. The upper end of that, say, 11-5, would be good enough to rival the Cowboys for the NFC East title. But I’ll say they fall just short again.

BUDDY
That’s enough, Poindexter. You’ve got concussion symptoms!
[Beans Ant’ny with another snowball, which knocks his brain back into place]

ANT’NY
Where was I? Oh, right. 19-0, baby! Tebow’s going to Disney World!

SUZY
And with that, I think we’re done here. Thanks for joining us, and, provided John Skipper’s not listening, go Eagles!

Predicted Finish: 10-6, Lose Wild Card Game

1. I didn’t even intend to be alliterative there. The first few just kinda happened, and then I ran with it.
2. Demonstrating the meaninglessness of “Pro-Bowler”.
3. He is.
4. To be fair, four random kommenters could improve the back end of that defense.