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Questions: Team Previews

ballsofsteelandfury

/

,

 

I know we talked about each of us writing season previews for our teams.  What is going to be the timing on that?  Are we rolling them at the start of training camp?  Closer to the end?  Also, we should probably set up a schedule so that we have one preview per day instead of three people posting at once.  Thoughts?

 

Update: I (Cuntler) added a sign-up sheet  I will update as people sign up in the comments below.  I am all for collaboration if there are multiple fans of one team (or multiple previews).  Possible dates for the previews would be as listed:

Update2: I (Balls) figured we could roll these out on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday schedule to ensure maximum reading material at work.  Therefore, I’m amending Cuntler’s dates to add more specific dates for divisions. We’ll end up doubling up on the last week with the South divisions leading up to kickoff on the 10th.  Everyone writing a post please put a date by the post you will publish. Remember you can write it ahead of time and just set it to publish on that date.  Thanks!

NFC East – 7/27, 7/28, 7/29, 7/30

  • Cowboys: Horatio
  • Eagles: Why Eagles Why
  • Giants: scotchnaut
  • Redskins: Zymm?

NFC North – 8/10, 8/11, 8/12, 8/13

  • Packers: Mike Wallace and Gromit / packman_jon
  • Bears: Cuntler/BFC
  • Lions: Cuntler
  • Vikings: yeah right (8/11) /Pickett’s Charge

 NFC West – 8/24, 8/25, 8/26, 8/27

  • Rams: DTZM
  • Seahawks: Moose
  • Cardinals: Balls (8/26)
  • 49ers:  Covalent Blonde (8/24)

NFC South – 9/7, 9/8, 9/9, 9/10

  • Panthers: King Hippo
  • Saints: Electric Mayhem
  • Falcons: RTD
  • Buccaneers: Sep

AFC East –  8/3, 8/4, 8/5, 8/6:

  • Patriots: Electric Mayhem
  • Bills:  Electric Mayhem/Upstate Underdog
  • Jets: Lord Revisisle
  • Dolphins: Warthog

AFC North – 8/17, 8/18, 8/19, 8/20

  • Steelers: Balls/Sill/WCS (8/17)
  • Ravens: JJ Fozz
  • Browns: Covalent Blonde (8/18)
  • Bengals: Vontaze Me, Bro

AFC West – 8/31, 9/1, 9/2, 9/3

  • Raiders: RTD
  • Chargers: OSZ/sunshine sunshine
  • Broncos:  King Hippo
  • Chiefs:  Monty

AFC South – 9/7, 9/8, 9/9, 9/10

  • Colts: Covalent Blonde/Sep (9/8)
  • Jaguars: Balls (9/7)
  • Texans (who?): Make it snow
  • Titans (what?): Make it snow

Note: I apologize if I missed anyone and his or her team (Covalent Blonde, no idea who you root for…  Edit: Fucking Niners. That’s right.)

 

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, Seahawks; where do I go? What do I submit? Where do I submit it? What format? How are gifs embedded? JPGs?

Now I’m as nervous as a Cutler in a room full of vaccinating rocking chairs!

http://38.media.tumblr.com/6aa1e21d964b1e7084cfbd258260ff5f/tumblr_nr41um8y4r1qfr6udo1_500.gif

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Cuntler

Rikki or DTMZ should be able to give you admin here and then it is a pretty simple interface that auto imbeds and has a preview option. Gif away, my man. Gif away.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Nervous or Eagerly Excited?

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ballsofsteelandfury

Since no one has volunteered, I’ll do the Jags. Someone has to do it.

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Cuntler

We’ve got Redskins, Jags and Browns left. Jags are all yours (London’s finest!). Also, we probably should get confirmation from Lord Revisile, Upstate Underdog and Vontaze that they’ll do their respectively designated teams.

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Covalent Blonde

Poor thing! Not only is this the worst case of post-jacking I have ever seen, but you have the courage to take on reviewing the Jags on top of everything else! That’s the UC spirit!

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Cuntler

Sorry I jacked your post.

/that’s what she said

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ballsofsteelandfury

Are you kidding? You brought order to it! Thanks for doing it!

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I would respectfully defer to King Hippo’s superior talent, dedication, youth, ventriloquistic talents, and hips to do the Broncos. Especially considering my over-reliance on gifs, unrelated graphics, esoteric battle references, and pegging videos.

I would gladly take a team nobody wants in mid to late August.

http://www.cutecatgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/weird-standing-cat.gif

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I will not promise drunk robots though.

http://images.viralnova.com/000/107/350/fail4.gif

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Cuntler

Seahawks?

/caw, caw

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I thought Balls volunteered for them below; let me know.

http://38.media.tumblr.com/f196560d900dcc6cd0bdb146a2c05529/tumblr_npusowJCZH1rpduwho1_500.gif

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ballsofsteelandfury

They’re yours, Moose!

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makeitsnowondem

I’ve been doing some research on the Texans for my post and… okay, well, it’s taken a turn for the weird.

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makeitsnowondem

What I’m saying is anyone who cares about having an actual meaningful preview of the Texans should take this shit away from me right now.

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Old School Zero

Oh, I don’t come here for substance.

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WhyEaglesWhy

I would be disappointed in an actual meaningful preview.

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Horatio Cornblower

No one cares about the Texans, so I can’t imagine anyone gives a shit about a meaningful preview of their season.

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King Hippo

Oh noes, Obummer will be coming for snow he done learnt teh TRUTH bout Jade Helm ,, smh

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Wow I do one day’s work on the west coast and miss 100+ comments. My entire contribution to the Bears preview will be this bird I killed and brought to Cuntler.

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ballsofsteelandfury

So, you’re taking the Seahawks, then?

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Sep

I know… It’s like I go on a three day drinking binge and there’s a whole new page of posts. WHAT A COUNTRY!

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Cuntler

Redskins, lions, Seahawks, Browns, panthers, jags, Titans. Any takers or suggestions?

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King Hippo

I shall take teh Panthers.

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Covalent Blonde

Fine. Fine. Fuck it. If no one else signs up by midnight, put me down for the Browns. This will might as well end up like every group project in school. But, I insist on writing it as Sparano’s Football.

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Cuntler

. . .

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Horatio Cornblower

That’s the easiest preview of all. “They will disappoint there fans both on and off the field.”

You’re welcome.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

*they’re

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ballsofsteelandfury

If no one takes the Seahawks, I’ll take care of that one. Should be fun to write the many ways Pete Carroll is a dumbfuck.

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makeitsnowondem

Man, you know, if I’m going to preview a team that no one cares about, I might as well do the one that doesn’t exist too. Put me down for the last two posts of the preview.

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Old School Zero

NSZ just said he’s going to do a season preview for the league once all the team ones are done. He muttered something about showing those bastards who’s boss. This can’t be good.

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Sill Bimmons

Bill Simmons is NSZ, right?

You can tell us!

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makeitsnowondem

NSZ is Tommy Craggs.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

According to Gawker employees, Tommy Craggs is Bill Brasky

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WhyEaglesWhy

You can take that question mark off, I’m in.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Maybe I should let my cat do the write-up for the Jaguars? Her enthusiasm for the team is pretty much on par with a standard Jacksonville fan.

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ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a good thing they’re not the Jacksonville Raccoons!

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Sill Bimmons

Need to get Fozz here for the Ravens thingy.

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Sill Bimmons

He’s going to do it.

Fuck the Ravens!

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Sill Bimmons

I guess it’s you and me to the death, Balls.

I choose tridents at teatime.

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Sill Bimmons

Or we could do like a round table thing.

Whatever’s easier.

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Covalent Blonde

Surely Ben is big enough for two?

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Sill Bimmons

I thought Ben was all shriveled and gray.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Either way works for me. All I ask is that we use one particular picture that I have bookmarked for the featured image.

http://www.straferight.com/forums/attachments/babes/22427d1369707902-sports-babes-3-steelers.jpg

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King Hippo

Even assuming the standard 30-pound photoshop discount, that is clearly the world’s thinnest Stillers fan.

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Cuntler

You guys, and forgot about WCS. The three of you degenerates will do a fine job. Oops, I meant yinz.

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Sill Bimmons

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

http://www.mattsmoviereviews.net/Images/highlanderimage01.jpg

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Old School Zero

Here’s something to use in place of the Seahawks preview in case no one wants to take it:

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ln99wu4hXB1qjl7f2o1_400.gif

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Covalent Blonde

Pretty sure that applies for Balmer, too, no?

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Old School Zero

For the Seahawks, I was thinking it was a good interpretation of the sudden end to their Super Bowl hopes.

For Balmer, it seems possibly very literal.

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Sep

Man, that movie did not age well.

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Old School Zero

I haven’t watched it in a long time.

I have, however, listened to the soundtrack over and over again.

/cranks up NIN’s cover of ‘Dead Souls’

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laserguru

A lofty cover.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I can do the Seattle preview and just talk about Vancouver again! 🙂

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Warthog

I can do the Dolphins unless someone who is actually qualified wants them.

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/165085142562342345/
http://the305.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/endless-dolphin.gif

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Warthog

And by qualified, I mean someone who can actually embed stuff correctly.

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Old School Zero

Wait, we need qualifications now? I… uh… CHEESE IT, EVERYBODY!

http://www.reactiongifs.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/cheese_it_futurama.gif

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Sep

I’ll take Indianapolis Fat Hu.. I mean Colts if no one wants to sacrifice their health.

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Cuntler

I’ve got you down for the Bucs too. You want both?

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Covalent Blonde

Rochambeau for them? I guess a hot dog eating contest would be more appropriate.

I can try to make the Titans palatable if you want to keep the Colts?

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Covalent Blonde

Hey, Sep, since we both are going to do the Colts, what color underwear would you guess brings out Luck’s eyes the best?

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Sep

HHmmmmm…. Luck looks like a Saturday Morning Cartoon Underoos type of guy to me. Or, you know, Hodor.

Chili on my hot dogs please. And not that Skyline stuff either!

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Covalent Blonde

As a former fathump and current Indianapolis land owner, I can finally write my erotic fan fiction for Hodor and take the Colts unless anyone else wants ’em!

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Sep

Oops. Reading is hard!!

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Cuntler

I put you both down for Indy. More than enough gravy to go around.

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Cuntler

I’ll take the Lions. If someone else wants to do it, I’ll toss it your way.

http://i.imgur.com/wPxM9cc.gif

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I’ll do the Patriots if UU wants our beloved Bills.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I can also do the Saints-my cousin follows them

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Cuntler

For the Patriots, you can post the gif of that hippo shitting everywhere and everyone would be fine with it.

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

How did you know? Are.. are you the NSA agent assigned to monitor my thoughtwaves?

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Cuntler

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don’t everyone sign up for the NFC and AFC South at once!

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll give the Falcons a shot, I guess. Much like their season, however, expect it to be phoned in.

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sunrisesunrise

But how much crowd noise will be pumped in and will we notice?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was my ONE joke, man. Thanks for spoiling it.

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sunrisesunrise

Glad I could be of service.

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King Hippo

Does someone who is still KSK-friendly want to try to recruit the lady Redskins fan to do the preview and join us? Or are we at our Bechdel limit now?

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The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

You mean the Tide Roller who busted in claiming to be 100% Gitxsan or whatever?

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King Hippo

No, the lady who likes punk and lives in Chicago. Feel bad that I can’t remember her name and shit.

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Sep

Zymm?

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makeitsnowondem

Zymm’s hilarious. Whoever wants to recruit her can tell her I said so.

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Old School Zero

Seconded.

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King Hippo

YES! That’s who I was thinking.

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Horatio Cornblower

Who are the Cowboys?

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scotchnaut

You know that thing that makes your skin crawl and your belly upset and causes you to see maggots writhing on your junk? That’s what the Cowboys are.

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Horatio Cornblower

I thought that was heroin.

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King Hippo

Can’t we have both?

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The category was franchises that have consumed more cocaine than Colombia.

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laserguru

I’m good with the schedule as outlined. I believe Pickett’s Charge is a Vikings fan too so we can do multi preview or collaborate if need be.
I’ve done a couple of previews for Ape in the past and will again if he asks but I’ll see if I can change them up a bit.
Holy shit, the Vikings report to camp on Saturday. This Fucking Saturday!!

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Old School Zero

If sunshine sunshine wants to do the Chargers I’m fine taking on some other team, or we could do some sort of Chargers fan roundtable thing together.

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Cuntler

As long as BOLTMAN (stomp, stomp. clap! stomp. stomp. clap!) is involved…

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Old School Zero

I can do that.

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sunrisesunrise

Who is this sunshine sunshine of which you speak? I can write something up and if I get lazy, I’ll probably just post a moving truck.

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Old School Zero

Gah! My apologies. I’m horrible.

I’ll write up a BOLTMAN version of a preview, but if you want to add to it or do a moving van version of a preview, go for it.

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sunrisesunrise

No apologies necessary. I have feeling that we’d create two completely different previews as it is.

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pickettschargeksk

I’ll happily join yeah right in pissing all over the Vikings, or do one of my own. It’s no worse than what they’ve done to me over the years.

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laserguru

Let’s do individual posts. I’m curious to see how far our expectations have been lowered.

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laserguru

I’ll do my preview on 8-11 and you can use whichever day works for you for the rest of that week.
SKOL.

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scotchnaut

I’ll give the Giants a go. Do I have author thingies? Do you? I’ll need a crash course in how to do stuff. I am able to type though.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You do now!

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ballsofsteelandfury

I might as well do the Arizona Cardinals since it’s Steelers West.

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King Hippo

Don’t let Horatio hide his light (AND SHAME) under a bushel. He has to lead off with the Cowboys. Nobody else will admit to liking them.

Small price to pay, the fuckers are gonna win the Super Bowl.

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Cuntler

Damn it. I forgot about him. Anyone seen him around lately?

/hears muffled thumping from locker

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Sep

This is gonna sound dumb or even blasphemous but I really want The Cowboys to win the Super Bowl because I wanna see how pumped it would make Dez Bryant while simultaneously making sports journalist heads roll (you know which ones).

He might be my favorite player right now.

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Cuntler

I updated the post. Lots of empty spaces. Just write what team you want to preview in the comments and I will update. If I signed you up and you don’t want to do it, let me know and I will delete you. Once we get it finalized, I can repost weekly so we can see what people are doing.

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Cuntler

@covalent blonde: Niners. Duh. You did a post on them earlier this year. Sorry ’bout that.

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Covalent Blonde

Not to worry! I will have forgotten I cared about them by the end of this season, too.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or retired, whichever comes first.

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King Hippo

REAL FOOTBAW!!!!!

I already volunteered for the Donks, and I am more than happy to share with Snow since, as you all know, I’m pretty stupid.

Living in Raleigh, I also read enough Panthers shit whilst I…take a shit with the newspaper (FACK you, I’m old and still like the hard copy newspaper) so I can preview them if nobody else wants to. And who the fuck could possibly want to?

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makeitsnowondem

You’re welcome to the Broncos. I’m always the worst at making jokes about my own team. I believe I volunteered for the Texans, unless that was a drunken fever dream.

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King Hippo

Will you at least put some pictures into my idiocy? And please, feel free to add to any of my fatalistic “insight.”

We are so gonna pay for not drafting Murder Guy.

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makeitsnowondem

If that’s a request for more original art, then absolutely.

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Cuntler

I signed Moose up with you. He did one for KSK last year or the year before that was awesome.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

No joke, I think Moose knows football better than any of us.

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Cuntler

Monty, who do you want?

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montythisseemsstrangetome

I’ll take the Chiefs. They’re somewhat geographically close, and all I really have to do is make Andy Reid fat jokes.

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montythisseemsstrangetome

BTW, do we get paid by the word or what?

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Cuntler

No. You’ll get nothing and like it.

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Covalent Blonde

While I am not about to post my own turkey hand in a Donks jersey for you, I will totally embed some images in your draft if you need a hand, KH.
http://www.blogcdn.com/blog.games.com/media/2011/11/islandparadisehandturkeypet.png

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King Hippo

Plus, in addition to Denver, my most feverish allegiances are NC State and Everton. If I didn’t have a gallows sense of humor, I’d be dead by my own hand many times over by now.

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Cuntler

Whatever, Cardinals fan. Whatever.

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King Hippo

Yeah, I have ONE TEAM that doesn’t devour my soul. And they play fucking baseball. Really, how much can one really give a shot about THAT?

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I have a question of my own: does anyone know where I can get a knock-off NFL jersey? I want to get an Amari Cooper one but don’t feel like having licensing money get back to the Shield.

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King Hippo

Two words:

Grave Robbing.

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makeitsnowondem

Yeah, but where’s he going to find an Oakland fan who’s suffered a violent and grisly death since Apr– oh, okay, right.

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ballsofsteelandfury

Santa Fe Springs Swap Meet. Lots of Raiders merchandise of dubious origin for sale there.

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Perfect! I wonder if the Rose Bowl flea market is an option too; would be nice and close.

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ballsofsteelandfury

That’s an option too, but it’s more….shall we say…. gritty. Your probability of finding licensed merchandise goes up exponentially.

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King Hippo

Ice Muthafuckin’ T always spoke well of the Compton swap meet. I’m assuming less gritty.

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WhyEaglesWhy

You can definitely find all manner of Raiders brickabrack at the Rose Bowl flea market. Even actual old Raiders.

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Sill Bimmons

It’s a shame they cracked down on Chinese knockoff importation.

There used to be a site where I got two NFL, five NHL and ten MLB Mitchell And Ness flannels for like $30 apiece. Really good quality.

/cool story bro

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Cuntler

We’ve got 44 days until the season starts. Maybe start next week and do a few divisions every 10 days?

7/27 – 8/6: NFC/AFC East
8/7 – 8/18: NFC/AFC North
8/19 – 8/30: NFC/AFC West
8/31 – 9/10: NFC/AFC South

I call dibs on the Bears, but I can do other teams in the division if no one wants them. I will add a sign up sheet above we can update, if this is cool with you?

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packman_jon

Good ideas. I can do a Packers preview. I’ll probably send one over to Ape just in case he needs one as well.

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King Hippo

It’s nice that one of us has organizational skilz

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Cuntler

I deal with a lot of children at work (figuratively) and at home (literally), so I have no choice.

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King Hippo

The latter is how I became a morning person.

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