[DFO] Status Update

Old School Zero

Old School Zero

Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
Old School Zero

Latest posts by Old School Zero (see all)

Hi everybody. WHAT A WEEK! WHAT A GLORIOUS WEEK! In just one week since the events of 7/31/15, the views of our site have increased five-fold!

That’s good!

However, as you have undoubtedly noticed, it’s caused some issues with site performance–slowness, some features not working as we want them to, and a lot of continual tinkering happening to make things work.

That’s bad.

BUT! DTZM has been a rockstar in making improvements and figuring out ways to make everything run better! It’s certainly faster than it was not too long ago! A special thanks to Duchess as well!

That’s good!

HOWEVA, this is still only something he and the rest of us are doing for free, in our non-work, non-social-life hours, with limited capabilities in the WordPress format.

That’s… well, not necessarily bad, but kind of tough.

Here’s the deal: up in our banner, you can see that this is a place for football and dick jokes–this is not international relations or political activism or child rearing. It’s. Dick. Jokes. We are striving to make this THE BEST place we can for football and dick jokes, and that effort means a lot to all of us that starting this whole thing going. That’s why we’re trying to figure out the best way to make sure everyone can comment, or post if they want, and that we have all the technical features and accessibility we can. We’re already stuffed to the gills with great articles and upcoming articles and talent and comments and gifs and everything else–FUCKING AWESOME–and it fills us with excitement to keep taking this thing forward like a gritty running back. We do pledge that we will continue to figure any and all issues out as we can, but we ask two things: 1.) have patience, and 2.) don’t be a dick.

This site wouldn’t be what it was without feedback and suggestions and even gripes about the technical pieces–I’m guilty of all of those–but just don’t be a dick about it. Keep in mind that we’re not aiming to have this as a business, or a job, or even to get any money at all from–it’s for fun, and it’s a place for all of us who want to joke and revel in the stupidity of the sport(s) we love. We did not expect to have such a massive influx of people and views, and I’d say that for one week of fire drills trying to cope with it, we’ve done well. So let us know when something’s not working, or if you think of something you’d like to add, but just give us time to tackle it, and check your snark level to make sure it’s within bounds. We’re not some faceless corporate dicks, we’re fellow kommenters trying to keep this whole crazy thing going. We don’t want to play moderator or site admin, but we will if it’s for the greater good of the site.

That said, we have lots of awesome team previews still forthcoming, along with mock drafts, dick jokes, recipes, puzzles, dick jokes, ball jokes, parodies, vagina jokes, dick jokes, and so much more. Thank you all that have joined us in the last week, those that have been there for a while, and even all of you lurking in the background. This is awesome, and we’re going to continue to keep it that way.

Now back to your regularly scheduled dick jokes.

Old School Zero
Old School Zero
Ex-Chargers fan in Portland. Sorry about your carpet.
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fmwarnerJerBear50All the FartsMoose -The End Is Well NighPorky Prime Recent comment authors
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WhyEaglesWhy

In all seriousness, many thanks to DTZM, OSZ, RTD, Duchess, and anyone else who has been helping keep the site humming. We’re still finding our feet, especially with the influx of new people, but we’re doing it remarkably quickly and seamlessly.

American Pie Story
American Pie Story

YAY!

I promise to not be a whiny Fat Hump about technical issues (can’t promise not to be a whiny Fat Hump about anything else, kinda comes with the territory).

you guyz are awesum ppl forget that

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
All the Farts
All the Farts

Looks like Judge Dredd has got to zip up some cock-a-doddle-do.

blaxabbath

“Keep in mind that we’re not aiming to have this as a business, or a job, or even to get any money at all…”

-Xmas Ape in negotiations, 2009

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well said, WELL SAID!!

Actually this site has been working (for me anyway), better than the ‘shall be unnamed’ site; sometimes that thing would go fucking batshit.

With the post content; every place has it’s own “Johnny Sugars” if you will, but I just don’t want “Hey here’s what just popped into my head” posts interfering (speed-wise) with dick jokes* and football jokes, but if they don’t, great.

*Must include thinly veiled boobs and hot dudes for those who enjoy the hot dudes. **Republican rivebrog counts as both political AND many dick jokes; HARD to categorize.

I am very thankful to DTZM, RTD, NSZ, CB, and OSZ and all those who are pooder expurts contributing; fuck yeah!!

I got you folks a Chloë Sevigny roller skate clock for the wall in the server and switching room. Sorry; you can’t really tell time from it, but the minute hand still works.

http://41.media.tumblr.com/b5ffda21e044f7594eda89d10df1cdd0/tumblr_nr5rubtxeO1rrn3aqo2_r1_500.jpg

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Would it help if I toned down the posting of images? That would be one of the most difficult things I could ever attempt, but dragging people down because I can’t verbally express myself is no way to live in modern society.

http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lld5bp4fbR1qjva3ko1_500.gif

Oh shit, see?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No worky purky.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Someone call my n–oh never mind.

Moose…you go right on bombing threads.
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-dKlKtDxN15U/Uydkx_yBlBI/AAAAAAAAlbw/OotSS0iu1EU/s1600/8-ricardo-montalban-space-seed.jpg

ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think pics or gifs are a problem. FYI, you have to put in the html code for jpeg files. Jpg files and gif files don’t require it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Covalent Blonde

Two more points of gratitude:

– My enthusiasm never wanes at my my double-fisting icon for my phone for DFO
– While I truly miss Horatio’s vagina-predator, I like that having to see PK as their likeness lit one hell of a bushfire under people to update their avatars

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Every once in a while, I do something mean that is also right.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hehe, she said “double-fisting “

Lefty.Triumph
Lefty.Triumph

Long-time reader, first-time poster.

Thanks for the site.

I’ll hang up and listen now.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Seeing that this is aimed squarely at me because I made a joke about how slow things were (nice work speeding things up today DTZM!) and I that have been labeled a dick by this person, I would like to invoke the precedent of Takes One v. Knows One and kindly ask this person to go to the Google group with this kind of nonsense so it can be dealt with in private.

blaxabbath

This is why you keep getting banned from sites, Sill!

You have like iAutsim.

Covalent Blonde

Oo! Apple’s gonna sue the shit out of you for leaking their newest product! Hell, probably seven of these clowns are in-house counsel for them right now!

JerBear50
JerBear50

That’s only because his awful, thoughtless parents got him iVaccinated.

Doktor Zymm

What’s the word on things like look like dicks? Are geoducks welcome?
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kYp5u_O3oaM/UVRxJ7cMvsI/AAAAAAAABVU/DZRADISNRjg/s1600/flacid+geoduck.jpg

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

You squeeze them and they squirt. Fun for everyone!

ballsofsteelandfury

Is that a vagina joke or a breast-feeding joke? Either way, kudos!

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

And now I’m going to use “hung like a geoduck” as a phrase to confuse my coworkers.

Covalent Blonde

It seems worth mentioning (and here is as good as any) that in the past seven days, site membership at DFO has more than doubled, thanks to insignificant trivialities that need not be mentioned. The point is that with an 100%+ increase in membership and what appears to be nearly three fold in traffic, that this site isn’t tits up speaks volumes for the work that DTZM, RTD, and NSZ have done.

(NSZ never gets the proper recognition as an avant garde personal motivator and life coach that he deserves)

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

In all seriousness, if there’s a donation drive via PayPal to ensure this site runs smoothly, I’ll toss in some cash.

blaxabbath

Can’t we just sell sponsorship ads knowing that everyone is going to rip on them?

Hey, we can always find more sponsors.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Like Arby’s and Jon Stewart?

dozerdude
dozerdude

As a long time lurker at the other place, I agree with ICRM. A small subscription fee wouldn’t be terrible to continue to revel in the dick-jokery.

Horatio Cornblower

Shit if we could just get NSZ to return the empties he steals from the rest of us instead of smashing them against the couches he surfs on we could fund the site in perpetuity.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Is beer still ok?

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s what keeps many of us alive, so yes.

AM_Dusk
AM_Dusk

Beer is always ok!

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

So this pirate (not me, Guybrush Threepwood was his name) walks into the Scumm Bar (TM), and the bartender asks, “Where did ya get that peg leg from?” The pirate says “We were sailing the seas when a big ol’ shark came up to me while I was swimmin’ and bit off me leg.”

After the next Pint o’ Grog (TM) the bartender asks “Where did you get that hook then?” The pirate says “Well, me crew and me were in a battle and a scurvy dog cut me hand off.”

The bartender then asks ” So then what do ya need the ships wheel in yer pants for?” The pirate says “That? Oh. It’s drivin me nuts.”

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

But really, I love what you guys are doing with the site, and I’m just happy to be here. In short, I’m glad I came.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“In short, I’m glad I came.”

Are we not doing phrasing anymore?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers
ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

God dammit, I literally just started to post this same gif.

+5 MeowMeowBeenz

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

It’s all I can think of when someone says “the greater good.”

(The greater good.)

ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

The Greater Good

Sep

“The Greatest Good” – NFL Memes

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

“The Top 5 Greatest Goods of All Time” – Uproxx

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OK, that is fucking funny.

Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood
Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood

These Goods Turned Out to be Great! (You Won’t Believe #2!)

– Uproxx

–also, Tony the Tiger

makeitsnowondem

So a dick walks into a bar, and the bartender’s like “Hey, make it snow, I thought I told you I never want to see you in my bar again.”

makeitsnowondem

My insistence that the bartender refer to me by my internet name was a major contributing factor to my no longer being welcome in that bar.

Inanimate Carbon Rod Marinelli

Bartender: “Well… how are you… Mister Snow?”

Make it Snow: [get angry] “It’s ‘make it snow’! It’s like ‘A Tribe Called Quest’ — you say the whole thing.”

Wakezilla

Hey, you guys are doing a great job. I don’t think anyone who has made any comments are saying it from a place of malice. Most of us are just not used to all this girth. We all just want to post, but because of the traffic, the site is just throbbingly slow. Like our significant others keep telling us over the years, it’s not a race to go in and out so fast.

Maybe we should finally listen to them.

WCS

Penis?

Sep
trollsoharduniversity
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Jebus, I hope so.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, what happened to the TWIFY: Uproxx post? Is it my imagination or was one of those just here and then disappeared right after my comment?

trollsoharduniversity

I meant to queue it up for this afternoon but didn’t realize it was done on military time, so I changed it. It’ll be out in an hour and a half.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Um, I cut the first page down to the newest 6 posts to improve loading time. Would it be outside of those? If not, the author may have pulled it down, but we don’t delete posts here. Unless they’re libelous or whatever. I love you guys, but I’m not taking a lawsuit enema for you.

Horatio Cornblower

No it was fine. I was just wondering if we got hacked but TSHU explained it above.

“TSHU Explains It All”; the show you never knew you needed.

FWIW the site speed is way up today.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Excellent! We’ll have to see how it works under stress again. Thanks to all of you guys for being guinea pigs.

trollsoharduniversity

I didn’t want to step all over Sexy Friday

http://giphy.com/gifs/OVtqvymKkkcTu

trollsoharduniversity

Try again

I didn’t want to step all over sexy Friday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not sure you CAN step on Sexy Friday; THE CONCEPT IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF US!!!

Sep

“Lawsuit Enema” is why we keep Horatio locked away in that locker.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Exactly. Dick jokes, but don’t BE a dick. I may have been unclear about that before.

Cuntler

#wolfpuss

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Um, hate to be a bother but what about old-timey women dressed up as cocks?

http://36.media.tumblr.com/99b6455f534dc43a25c9008ee2c6e7ff/tumblr_nrdxitgwkC1st4bmvo1_500.jpg

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m scared and aroused. Scaroused?

Horatio Cornblower

This post needed more sodium benzoate.

Door_Matt
Door_Matt

That’s the main ingredient in BRAWNDO! It’s got electrolytes!

(Also, with enough sodium benzoate anything will last forever.)

Covalent Blonde

So wait, are you saying I should be a dick? I feel that point may have been unclear.

Cuntler

FINE. I WON’T EVER BRING UP SPRINGSTEEN AGAIN.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

CUNTLER HAAAAAAAAATE ORANGE CARS!!

CUNTLER HAAAAAAAAATE PEOPLE WHO OWN ORANGE CARS!!

http://40.media.tumblr.com/7ae5a4d22ab9ce9cd9c98d92cfe16b7c/tumblr_nrdy4ayvFb1rvkcx4o1_1280.jpg

Cuntler

If said cars are playing Zappa . . .