Mad MaKSK: A Furious DFOde

[Photoshops and writing help from Mike Wallace And Gromit]

(A hot summer sun is rising over the wasteland, and while the misery of life after the end remains, something is in the air–today is different, and feeling this shift, a brainless beast emerges from its cave)

THE BEN: HAAARF! THE BEN HAVE NEW DAY TO PEW PEW PEW DUMB WEAKLINGS AND TAKE THEIR WOMEN! NO ONE COMPLAIN IN WASTELAND WHEN THE BEN SNU SNU THE WOMEN! THE BEN LOVE THE WASTELAND! HAAAAAAAAAARF HARF HARF HARF! (fires off machine gun randomly as a mysterious dust cloud blooms behind him) THE BEN LIKE THAT BIG GUN AND SMALL GUN SAME COLOR! (dust cloud grows closer as a rumbling can be heard) THE BEN HEAR—

(THE BEN is smeared into a thick paste by the wheels of a speeding War Rig, and a small gray lump falls down in the middle of it. It is promptly shot by a Vuvalini sniper nearby, exploding into mist)

ELSEWHERE…

(Half of a train car is jammed into an RV that is raised up on many large wheels, and around it haggard looking men and women scurry around wearing green smocks and hats)

PK: Erm, yes, go my barista minions, fetch me my lardicinos! Raid the nutmeg farms, AND NO TALKING IN MY QUIET CAR! By the end of the day, I SHALL RULE THE WASTELAND! Maybe. Possibly. Either I will, or I will not, but who can say? I, the NUGGET FARMER, baron of the Lard Lands, control the caloric intake of all life! IT IS ALL FOR ME! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (rubs pierced nipples) And, ohhh, yes, the access I get for my nuggets of lard… how my caged Favre sings! HE SHALL LOVE ME FOREVER AND DESPAIR! Maybe. Erm, ahhhhh… say, what is that noise?

(PK’s quiet car is slammed into by a full speed War Rig, sending it over a cliff, where it slams into rock after rock after rock, each impact severing another limb off PK. It finally lands in the bottom of a canyon and explodes, sending guts and limbs flying every which way, which are immediately picked up by rogue cannibals who eat it immediately and then are struck by hyper-dysentery all over the remaining offal of PK)

YET ELSEWHERE…

(A Pontiac Aztek cab sits atop tank treads, slowly wandering around in circles)

(Cutler fires off machine guns randomly into the distance)

Lackey: Sir, there’s nobody there.

Cutler: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh, fuck off, I’m having fun.

Lackey: But, sir, you’re just wasting bullets and making the weapons degrade!

Cutler: (sigh), do I look… like I care?

Lackey: Well—

Cutler: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON—(suddenly dies of Feline Leukemia and mumps)

Lackey: That was unexpec—

(Both Cutler’s corpse and the lackey are nailed by a hard charging War Rig with its cow catcher down, sending them flying in multiple directions, their corpses dashed against the rocks like sacks of overripe fruit)

NEARBY…

(A fur-trimmed double decker El Dorado monster truck weaves to and fro across the wasteland, ahead of a large convoy of cobbled together vehicles)

IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: I could care less about the wasteland strug-uh-ling. All belongs to me, and no insurgents shall survive! I guarantee I will win! ONWARD, MY WAR BOYS! LET US FACE THE REBELS IN THE WASTELAND!

(A loud cheer goes up as the convoy embarks, with a wind-blown and sun-leathered duo of Faith Hill and Carrie Underwood stand atop a mobile stage, singing the SNF lead-in song over and over again)

DRIVER: I see it! The War Rig! I will pull ahead of it, and let my lance bomber destroy it!

(the driver pulls ahead, and a War Boy steps up, spraying his mouth silver)

RIVERS: YA BETTA WITNESS SOMEBODDDAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!

(Rivers leaps off, then hangs in the air, barely descending, as the War Rig and entire caravan pass him by)

RIVERS: YOU GODLESS COCKWALLETS! COME BAAAAACK!

(The monster El Dorado catches up with the War Rig)

IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: I will do this myself! THERE IT IS! The terrorist War Rig! I shall drive up to its side and shoot the driver! I WANNA KILL YOU!

(He pulls up beside it, but as he takes aim, he sees no one in the cab)

IMMORTAN BROADWAY JOE: OH NO!

???: THANKS, JOE!

(A microphone cable whips around his face, yanking his mask off and whipping his head around, breaking his neck. His car flips and continues to tumble before exploding. Out of the smoke and dust, a figure emerges)

IMPERATOR SUZY: I COME TO YOU TODAY WITH A MESSAGE! The Old World is dead! WE KNOW WHO KILLED THE WORLD! The very same that abandoned the best of us, and poisoned our home with mediocrity and decay! THERE IS NO GOING BACK! Today I have purged the last remnants of that world. Do not cry for their loss, for they would have only slowed our journey into the future. TODAY… IS YOUR FIRST DAY! A NEW DAY! It is now up to you to make of it what you will. We have fertile ground to grow anew from, a community that can support one another, and nothing dragging us back to what was. TO THOSE WHO HAVE SACRIFICED TO CREATE THIS DAY, WE SALUTE YOU!

(A lone simian figure wearing a santa hat slinks away in the crowd, off to new and greater adventures)

IMPERATOR SUZY: Do not wait for Valhalla to find your glory. Make your own.

(She turns and walks off into the Wastelands as the afternoon shadows grow, ready for whatever is to come)

WEEKS LATER…

(Rivers is now only inches from the ground)

RIVERS: WHAT? HUH? WHA… Witness?