The Factory of Sadness: The Only Industry in Cleveland

Welp. It’s the Browns. And aside from some weird childhood nostalgia or misguided sympathies, few of you reading this will be deeply attached to my analysis (really it would have just been rude to have previewed the other 30 teams—obviously I am not counting this alleged Texans that I hear occasionally mentioned—so this preview is really just to complete the set).

Last year taught us that for several weeks that Browns fans were willing to have faith in their team and seemed foolishly optimistic that Hoyer could have brought them postseason hopes, dashed well before any one got too zealous with their Christmas shopping lists. Only to be duped again by this fickle mistress named Hope, Cleveland yet again dusted off space in their cavernous and empty National Championships curio case for the Cavaliers, who at least fought valiantly for their loss.

OFFENSE

Welcome to McCown Town, or at least that appears to be where the Browns will be venturing this 2015 season as their anticipated starting quarterback. What nefarious deeds they did to be able to pony up the cash for the new QB will forever elude me, and presumably the IRS, too Interestingly, if we assume only guaranteed salary for Manzeil, each meager yard he cleared in 2014 cost Cleveland $11,500; meanwhile, if McCown –who was also signed to quite a handsome contract of his own this spring by the Browns—can get 75% of the yardage for Cleveland as he did for TB last year, the average salary:yard ratio will drop to a much more palatable $3,000/yard price.1 Talk from camp seems to indicate resounding support for starting McCown, which is also consistent with how the brass feels about their QB choices.2

Rumors abound that Manzeil has been showing marked improvement in the offseason, but how could one not improve upon a dumpster fire? Even the gelatinous wet goo that remains from an extinguished dumpster fire is an improvement since it at least won’t be catching other shit on fire.
If there is something to be excited about it may be the dueling banjos in WR of Hartline and Hawkins.3 Hartline comes to Cleveland from free agency from Miami and shows some similar capacities for Hawkins in his ability to spin-and-pivot under pressure and evade heavy coverage. If McCown can capitalize on the opportunities these two may be able to shake out, there is at least a smidgen of threat coming out of Cleveland.
Look for nominal changes to the starting O-line for the Browns since last we saw those jerseys hit the field. Things appear positive for the return of their center Andrew Mack for his 7th season who had to miss 11 games last season due to a broken ankle.

DEFENCE

Pro Bowlers Haden (CB) and Gipson (FS) are still an ominous threat for any QB other than a laser-focused, sex cannon who wants to go deep other than Grossman. But to add to this threat, the Browns snatched up former free agent Tramon Williams from Green Bay. The secondary for Cleveland looks even a bit more threatening with this addition.

On the line we get the introduction of the Browns first-round draft pick, Danny Shelton, at nose tackle.4 The 21 year-old seems to have some impressive mobility on the field and might give the line a nice edge with speed. Additionally, Randy Starks joins the squad this year from Miami. Cleveland needs him to stay healthy as a sprained ankle with Winn makes the depth chart L-DE thin for the time being.

PREDICTIONS

Well, I am pretty sure you jagoffs ruined me. I signed up for the Browns since no one else was throwing themselves on that mine and now I am pretty sure researching this team has utterly broken me. My sense of reason and memory of decades past has seemed to have left me because—should I dare say it? —I think we’ll be seeing them playing come January, and lo, not as a wildcard! I waffled about 11-5, but emboldened by my brainwashing, I say 12-4! We are gonna see a 12-4 season out of Cleveland this year!

Head Coach Mike Pettine has been pretty ambitious in his trades and acquisitions. I think he feels like he has a drunken, cocaine-dusted child-monkey on his back and I think having a victorious season is the only way he’ll be free of his millstone from his neck. Go Dog Pound!

Make your comments and jokes, jerks and jerkettes. Do your best! You broke me. I’m off for institutionalized treatment for Stockholm syndrome and I’m not coming back until I can admit to myself that the Browns can never be a winning team.

1: Rotoworld.com McCown and Manzeil for Stats; Sportrac.com for Salaries
2: ESPN Sources from Training Camp (http://tinyurl.com/qxvjm87)
3: Browns Roster Movement (http://tinyurl.com/oh288h5)
4: ESPN Sources from Training Camp (http://tinyurl.com/qcjftpj)
 
For the hardcore Browns fan I am sure there are staggering omissions and for that I apologize. Please feel free to make your addendums and corrections in the Comments below. Then again if you are a Browns fan, you probably won’t be reading this because you are too busy kneeling before your LeBron James altar.

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Beastmode Ate My Baby

As I was researching (and by that I mean researching…like, not just Wikipedia) my Seahawks entry, I felt a cold breeze across my shoulders. Curious, I checked the windows, but they were shut…and tightly, I might add, to keep the smoke from some seven-score wildfires from entering our humble abode.

Back at the laptop again, researching, and it happened again. That feeling of bitter cold, worse this time, as if a lost child were screaming in the darkness of distant woods.

Then I knew. I knew.

“The Browns,” I said aloud. My cat looked at me in alarm, and fled from his place next to me. Nervous now, I clicked on the link to DFO and…

That was when I saw it. The Cleveland Browns preview was up.

But who had written it? Who would be lost to us forever more, their mind now reduced to a shuddering lump of jelly by the madness which lay within?

“Please,” I whispered to whatever ancient deity might be listening to my pathetic cries. “Please let it be Old School Zero.”

I clicked on the link and…then I saw it. Covalent Blonde.

I weep for her even now, for she has looked into the face of madness and will never be whole again. And I shudder in fear, because I know…I know…that this time next year another of us will be lost.

And next time it might be me.

Old School Zero

You can’t stop me, Haslam! Oh I’ll get you, and your little dawg pound, too! Nya ha ha ha haaa!

(Don’t get burned up by those fires, yo)

WhyEaglesWhy

It’s very fitting that the Browns preview was done by someone who doesn’t give a shit about the Browns. Bravo!

Also, 12-4? Please report to Father’s Office for deprogramming.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Nice!

Can’t see them finishing better than fourth in the division….. again.

Brick Meathook
ballsofsteelandfury

I want to know what combination of Inland Empire meth-lab-blowing-up-dust-clouds and regular prescription drugs led to you thinking the Factory could produce a 12-4 team.

I’m worried about you…

Sill Bimmons

She’s on Nazi speedballs!

JerBear50

Oh man, can’t we just drop the girlscout cookie thing?

Sill Bimmons

The Rubio Campaign: A Metaphor In Graphic Image Format

http://i2.cdn.turner.com/cnn/2015/images/08/18/marcorubio.gif

Sill Bimmons

Or Graphics Interchange Format.

Probably should have looked that up before.

Where’d that Edit button go?

SonOfSpam

“I like the way Rubio gets his balls to bounce off the kid’s face.”

– Jerry Sandusky

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

This is hypnotic.

Cuntler

GO HAWKEYES!

...

Marco Rubio is political Mark Sanchez.

Sill Bimmons

What is his stance on high school girls?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“When I grow up, I want to be just like Tim Tebow!”

http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Tim-Tebow-Hit-in-Head-with-Pass.gif

Sill Bimmons

So it’s 1944 and things were getting desperate for Germany.

They developed an undetectable 2-man mini submarine to be used to infiltrate Royal Navy ports and make attacks on capital ships.

Problem is, this thing was claustrophobic, cold, noisy and had to be at sea for three days on its trial run to Scapa Flow. Things were going to be pretty rough on the crew.

So what did they do? THEY GAVE THEM SPEEDBALLS.

Yep, they sent these poor bastards out to sea in a tin can whacked out on a cocktail of cocaine, methamphetamine and morphine.

Needless to say they never came back and the program was shelved.

Just another example of that “tun-können!” spirit that has made the Nazis the unchallenged champions of historical bugfuckery.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I always feel like I learn something around here. I knew I liked you for a reason, even if you’re a dirty Pirates fan.

...

These stories about the Irsay family tree are awesome.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Kate Upton again for no reason. Well you just read about the Browns, that was probably a chore

http://bouncebreak.com/gif/bounce/fN2RM.gif

I just realized what I said, you read about the Browns… have another Kate Upton

http://bouncebreak.com/gif/bounce/this-is-why-kate-upton-is-all-over-bouncebreak-com.gif

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man, if I could slow that top gif down by about ten milliseconds it would sync up PERFECTLY with the song I’m currently listening to (“Used to Be a Cop” – Drive-By Truckers)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Don’t think the top one is Ms. Upton, but only Martin could tell for sure.

Old School Zero

Ha ha, I like the part when you said January.

JustStopDude

Even as a bastard Ravens fan…when I see something like this…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b6qrW1mdRmQ

Its disturbing how bad they have been and yet there are fans dedicated to put such decent production values into documenting their ineptitude.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not worthy of a full-on TWIFY, but I just wanted to give a hearty fuck you to the troll who intentionally ruins fantasy mock drafts in the service of “comedy”. Drafting Tim Tebow #1 in a fantasy mock draft isn’t clever or funny. It’s just a waste of everyone’s time (as evidenced by the fact that 90% of the “hilariously enraged” responses consist of a sentiment like “thanks for wasting our time, asshole” and leaving the draft to try again elsewhere).

I think fantasy mock drafts are a silly waste of time, but if that’s something you want to obsess over, be my guest (not to mention the fact that some people play in leagues where there is a LOT of money at stake…so they actually have a pretty compelling reason to care). A lot of people probably think it’s a silly waste of time to hit golf balls at the driving range, but you’d better believe that if you went racing out in front of the tees in a clown suit trying to distract me from my silly time-waste of a hobby, I’d do my absolute damndest to put a Range ball sized dent in your skull.

...

/picks up stick of dynamite
/looks around
/lights dynamite and heaves it into crowd

I would have taken Thin Mints #1 overall.

Bloody Lethal

Wait who said going to the driving range is a silly waste of time?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Horatio did! Get him, boys!

comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Actually, if someone ran out in front of the tees in a clown suit, I’d probably think it was pretty funny at first. If they overdid it, though…pow! Right in the kisser.

/slices ball over protective netting onto local side streets

Bloody Lethal

I was going to say for your comparison it would be like if someone who thought going to the driving range was a silly waste of time got everyone to come to the driving range and then broke all their wrists.

montythisseemsstrangetome

What if someone ran out in front of the TEES and it was Tim TEE-bow?

/spins (tee)bowtie
//dodges golf balls hit by RTD

chazz_goodtimes

Had the same thought when I was reading that post on DS. Fuck that guy.
1. The well is dry. He didn’t add anything to original post DS ran on the same thing from 3-4 years ago.
2. As you pointed out – the reactions were pretty much ‘fuck you’.
It’s like the Nathan For You of comedy trolling. I don’t find all that much humor in dicking with a group of people who have an earnest interest in an innocuous activity like mock drafts.

montythisseemsstrangetome

I walked out in front of Moose during his silly time-wasting hobby, but to be fair I was only trying to get a seat on the bus.

Cuntler

Deadspin turned into a content amalgamation site so gradually I hardly realized it. They have the garbage article you speak of, a “funny sportswriter tweets” amalgamation, a single tweet about doggy style/anal sex, and like 9 posts focused around gifs. I am just waiting for Greg Howard’s weekly think-piece on racism and blackness in America to complete the circle.

Old School Zero

I don’t know, I think the Oath Keepers article took care of that last part for the day.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m amazed they were able to tease out so many words about the basic concept of “fat racists with guns are idiots”.

Cuntler

I didn’t see that one (thank goodness). Content BINGO for OSZ, everybody! Come on up and collect your prize!

/prize contains potassium benzoate

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“and like 9 posts focused around gifs.”

Wait, what?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I guess it would be more like if I followed OSZ around while he was engaged in *his* hobby and yelled out a warning to the sheep before he was able to get close enough.

Old School Zero

HEY! Come on now.

I get clear and affirmative consent.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Not BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA D.

Bloody Lethal

Now we’re getting there.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I feel the same way. He presents it like we’re the poor sports for enjoying mock drafts, but he’s the ass making a living off of being a troll.

Sill Bimmons

If you pour napalm all over the gelatinous wet goo that remains from an extinguished dumpster fire and throw a match it will reignite:

comment image?w=1000

Spanky Datass

Johnny Fucking Napalm has a nice ring to it!

All the Farts

So now Napalm is Manzel’s new drug.

SonOfSpam

Your spelling of “Defence” may have been covalent, but your spelling of “Manzeil” was definitely blonde.

Then again, the Manzeil thing may just be an awesome meta commentary on the futility of being a Browns fan and it went right over my head.

Sill Bimmons

She also misspells “Couvalent Blounde,” apparently.

laserguru

Great preview. Just to clarify, when making predictions the “wins” are stated first.
As you were.

entropy

Am I the only one who thinks it would be hilarious if all this Rams/Raiders/Chargers moving-to-LA talk is just a smokescreen for the Browns moving out of Cleveland in the dead of night for a second time?

sunrisesunrise

I know a Browns fan in San Diego. Somehow he has a successful business. It is a moving company. Take from that what you will.

Duchess

This video is even more relevant since the King returned

chazz_goodtimes

(crawls out of the post apacolyptic wasteland that was once KSk)

….blinks… looks around

….reads self-deprecating post about someone’s favorite team

…. notices Dick jokes as far as the eye can see

“Am home?”

Duchess
Horatio Cornblower

R home.

chazz_goodtimes

Glad to be here. I missed the kommenteriat so much that last week I woke up my 1 year old during HardKnocks just to I would have someone to make fun of JJ Watt with me.

SonOfSpam

Chazz: “Hey kid, getta load of that douchecanoe JJ Watt. He’s a douche amirite?

Kid: (shits diaper)

Chazz: “HAHAHA This little fucker gets it! High five!!!”

Kid: (stares at fingers)

Mrs. Chazz: (drinks fourth glass of chablis)

chazz_goodtimes

You basically nailed that exchange except Mrs. Chazz drinks Pinot Grigio.

Also thanks to that tire-flipping montage my daughter’s first through fourth words were, “Christ, what an asshole,”

Horatio Cornblower

Proof yet again that The New Yorker is destroying our youth.

Cuntler

I’d welcome you, but you’re a Pats fan. At least you’re one of the good ones, I guess.

/thinks

//shrugs

(I kid. Welcome aboard, sailor!)

Warthog

It’s not enough the governor of Florida is calling my very existence into question (http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2011/10/rick-scott-liberal-arts-majors-drop-dead-anthropology), now it’s following me here? Oy.

/dick joke with endnoted reference to primate penis sizes

Warthog

Hmm. Reply fail. I guess, I should just leave.

/off to Ruth Benedict Island

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

And a hearty FUCK RICK SCOTT WITH A HUGE 8th CENTURY POTTERY SHARD!!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

On the one hand, very nice preview- you almost made me feel for Cleveland fans.

On the other hand, ENDNOTES ARE FOR DILETTANTES AND CULTURAL ANTHROPOLOGISTS! FOOTNOTES 4 LYFE!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I believe she used endnotes to invoke the spirit of David Foster Wallace, who – while he may not have been a fan of Cleveland teams – clearly understood their despair.

scotchnaut

This is a supposedly funny comment that I’ll never read again.

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t even read it but I tell everyone I did.

Sep

Judging by this preview, seems like The Browns will just be hanging around in the AFC North.

...

Funny, I always figured he was a Jets fan.

Duchess

Man just watching the first 10 mins of Draft day makes you feel sorry for Cleveland fans… then finishing the movie makes you think “Meh they deserve what they are getting”

scotchnaut

/earlier this week

Covalent:[fumbles armload of groceries as she nears the cashier]

Onlooker: “Oh here, let me help you with that.”

Covalent: “You know, I should have seen this coming-I’m doing a Browns preview!”

Onlooker: [backs away, moves to next checkout line]

Duchess
montythisseemsstrangetome

I would waffle on 11-5 also, because that’s 6 hours of waffles, whereas 12-4 is only 4 hours of waffles.

Enrico Pallazzo

The Browns might go an entire season without one fantasy owner voluntarily starting any of their god awful garbage shit players.

Sharkbait

Cleveland Browns. The ditch diggers of the NFL. But at least they exist.

WhyEaglesWhy

The world needs ditch diggers too, Danny.