The Factory of Sadness: The Only Industry in Cleveland

Welp. It’s the Browns. And aside from some weird childhood nostalgia or misguided sympathies, few of you reading this will be deeply attached to my analysis (really it would have just been rude to have previewed the other 30 teams—obviously I am not counting this alleged Texans that I hear occasionally mentioned—so this preview is really just to complete the set).

Last year taught us that for several weeks that Browns fans were willing to have faith in their team and seemed foolishly optimistic that Hoyer could have brought them postseason hopes, dashed well before any one got too zealous with their Christmas shopping lists. Only to be duped again by this fickle mistress named Hope, Cleveland yet again dusted off space in their cavernous and empty National Championships curio case for the Cavaliers, who at least fought valiantly for their loss.

OFFENSE

Welcome to McCown Town, or at least that appears to be where the Browns will be venturing this 2015 season as their anticipated starting quarterback. What nefarious deeds they did to be able to pony up the cash for the new QB will forever elude me, and presumably the IRS, too Interestingly, if we assume only guaranteed salary for Manzeil, each meager yard he cleared in 2014 cost Cleveland $11,500; meanwhile, if McCown –who was also signed to quite a handsome contract of his own this spring by the Browns—can get 75% of the yardage for Cleveland as he did for TB last year, the average salary:yard ratio will drop to a much more palatable $3,000/yard price.¹ Talk from camp seems to indicate resounding support for starting McCown, which is also consistent with how the brass feels about their QB choices.²

Rumors abound that Manzeil has been showing marked improvement in the offseason, but how could one not improve upon a dumpster fire? Even the gelatinous wet goo that remains from an extinguished dumpster fire is an improvement since it at least won’t be catching other shit on fire.
If there is something to be excited about it may be the dueling banjos in WR of Hartline and Hawkins.³ Hartline comes to Cleveland from free agency from Miami and shows some similar capacities for Hawkins in his ability to spin-and-pivot under pressure and evade heavy coverage. If McCown can capitalize on the opportunities these two may be able to shake out, there is at least a smidgen of threat coming out of Cleveland.
Look for nominal changes to the starting O-line for the Browns since last we saw those jerseys hit the field. Things appear positive for the return of their center Andrew Mack for his 7^th season who had to miss 11 games last season due to a broken ankle.

DEFENCE

Pro Bowlers Haden (CB) and Gipson (FS) are still an ominous threat for any QB other than a laser-focused, sex cannon who wants to go deep other than Grossman. But to add to this threat, the Browns snatched up former free agent Tramon Williams from Green Bay. The secondary for Cleveland looks even a bit more threatening with this addition.

On the line we get the introduction of the Browns first-round draft pick, Danny Shelton, at nose tackle.⁴ The 21 year-old seems to have some impressive mobility on the field and might give the line a nice edge with speed. Additionally, Randy Starks joins the squad this year from Miami. Cleveland needs him to stay healthy as a sprained ankle with Winn makes the depth chart L-DE thin for the time being.

PREDICTIONS

Well, I am pretty sure you jagoffs ruined me. I signed up for the Browns since no one else was throwing themselves on that mine and now I am pretty sure researching this team has utterly broken me. My sense of reason and memory of decades past has seemed to have left me because—should I dare say it? —I think we’ll be seeing them playing come January, and lo, not as a wildcard! I waffled about 11-5, but emboldened by my brainwashing, I say 12-4! We are gonna see a 12-4 season out of Cleveland this year!

Head Coach Mike Pettine has been pretty ambitious in his trades and acquisitions. I think he feels like he has a drunken, cocaine-dusted child-monkey on his back and I think having a victorious season is the only way he’ll be free of his millstone from his neck. Go Dog Pound!

Make your comments and jokes, jerks and jerkettes. Do your best! You broke me. I’m off for institutionalized treatment for Stockholm syndrome and I’m not coming back until I can admit to myself that the Browns can never be a winning team.

^{1: Rotoworld.com McCown and Manzeil for Stats; Sportrac.com for Salaries
2: ESPN Sources from Training Camp (http://tinyurl.com/qxvjm87)
3: Browns Roster Movement (http://tinyurl.com/oh288h5)
4: ESPN Sources from Training Camp (http://tinyurl.com/qcjftpj)}
 
For the hardcore Browns fan I am sure there are staggering omissions and for that I apologize. Please feel free to make your addendums and corrections in the Comments below. Then again if you are a Browns fan, you probably won’t be reading this because you are too busy kneeling before your LeBron James altar.