In Which We Rank The Best Takeout Pizzas

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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Please don't judge me too hard

I am currently in the midst of a pizza. A medium pepperoni Hot ‘N’ Ready from Little Caesars, in fact. Some might say this is because I have no shame. This is partly correct. The other reason for this is that it happens to be the closest option to the apartment I’ve been squatting in over the past couple weeks. It is also because there is beer accompanying the pizza.

Here’s the thing, though: I’m fully aware it’s not good pizza. Shit, you think any food you can buy in large quantities for five bucks is gonna be quality? Except for, like, quinoa and all that hippy shit, but let’s get real here. At the same time, though, I’m stuck; for one thing, I’m in a small town right now for work. About 100,000 people total, so the food scene just isn’t on the scale as our major metropolises. Secondly, I’m in Canada, which as all Americans know, is a frozen wasteland devoid of almost all familiar culinary landmarks (save for the obvious ones, plus a Popeyes Chicken. Holy shit is that ever delicious.).

Thus, if I don’t go to Little Caesars, I have the only following options from major chains in my immediate area:

  • Papa John’s.

it me

This is apparently the face of culinary expertise. Go Cards?

  • Dominos. To be fair, they’ve stepped up their game in recent years, particularly with the rebirth of their pan pizzas, but fuck walking all that way. It’s like a seven minute walk each way. I’m a man of simple base needs, and I refuse to walk anywhere longer than two minutes for pizza if I have something right there.
  • Pizza Pizza. For those not in the loop, this is an Ontario brand that dominates the province; unfortunately, it means thick crusts, sub-average amounts of sauce, and spotty topping placement. Their iPhone app is cool as hell, though, and gives you free shit for pretty much every subsequent coming order. So I guess that’s cool.

Admittedly, I am an uncultured heathen, and still have much to learn about pizza. Let’s see if we can establish some definitive rankings for America’s pies moving forward. What is your go-to when ordering a takeout pizza, and why? 

Please note: if you consider Chicago pizza to be actual pizza, I will come over there and fucking smack you.

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/author/the-maestro/
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American Pie Story
American Pie Story

Hot Box Pizza was the place to go if you wanted cheap pizza, beer, and wine in the same place.

ballsofsteelandfury

Does anyone have cornmeal crust pizza around? This is one of my two local spots :

http://www.myzelopizza.info

I’m lucky my local Pizza Hut is good. Great for delivery in a pinch and when my other places are closed.

Here is that Zelo pizza:

comment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Balls; that picture, well it looks good is what I’m sayin’

http://41.media.tumblr.com/6d64b2a55eb3e894ee80297db9fe0e87/tumblr_mx3skxGyOK1sfmw0oo1_500.jpg

Cuntler

Chicago pizza is better than any of the crap you have listed up there. COME AT ME BRO!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

He’s a fucking Canuck Greatriots fan- I consider his disdain to be the best endorsement we could ask for.

Cuntler

True. Sometimes you can’t fix stupid.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The absolute worst “pizza” I’ve ever had was in Canada. This includes 99 cent generic frozen.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
SonOfSpam

There’s a place here in Orange County that does Chicago-style deep dish called Tony’s Little Italy, and it’s quite artery-clogging:

http://s3-media4.fl.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/XafX09FQFWZrg6mEwGVR0w/o.jpg

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I gave up on fixing NSFW

h
ttp://36.media.tumblr.com/0b92daa60d2a3fbe9ae972582d0ed703/tumblr_nsjzaw6jgL1uycf5uo1_500.jpg

Hot Redhead, Shut up.

laserguru

I almost forgot, is Round Table pizza a chain or is it a California thing? Because they kick the hell out of the rest of the chains.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok, to fill out that story. She loved hockey players. Her name was Cammy, If I gave her last name it would fill out google searches for hockey players looking up women that liked hockey players

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I LIKE EXTRA TOPPINGS

http://i.imgur.com/hfjpqWe.gifv

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

*Actual film of Pizza Hut product in Florida.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Took 5 min, involved the girl being scared the world would end because of 2k. I was cheating w her apparently because she had another BF. Yeah, I have no shame you can have the details. I really should have shame, Don’t

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really had to try to find a SFW one

http://40.media.tumblr.com/4ab7db00ceedc31660805b1925bfc31d/tumblr_ntf7d847aH1tnyq3yo1_500.jpg

The NSFW ones were better

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I just went outside for a cig and had a neighbor scream the most Valley girl thing ever. You get 2 pics then I am hanging out with my dog again

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

[OSZ Edit: I’ve tried to make this work as a link, but it’s not cooperating. Feel free to drop this in again as a link rather than an image, though!]

Yeah, I am the worst. Going to hang out with my pup. Enjoy

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Shit, Sorry. meant to break up the URL

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That makes the best topping.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Oh fuck. I have to tell this story now, don’t I? I once went on a 2 hour trip to buy Little Ceasers in college because every store within 100 mile close. We bought 10.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

How much whipped cream do you think has been lost in depressurized cans since the invention of the Reddi-Wip can in 1948?

It’s got to to be in the millions of gallons, right?

http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/44/58/f6/4458f650329438cacf29520f21b1cb34.jpg

Old School Zero

Careful. You’ll make Colts fans cry.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

“Chicago pizza” is damned good. It’s not deep-dish. Chicago pizza is a thin-ish crust, spicy sauce (and sausage), and CUT INTO MOTHERFUCKING SQUARES.

Deep-dish is something that you have every once in a while, like birthday cake. Because, like birthday cake, if you ate it all the time you’d be Chris Farley fat (and dead).

Donato’s is our go-to in central Ohio. They actually make a decent pizza, and they’re run by a family slightly less asshole-ish than Papa John. Fuck that guy. Seriously, he bitched about the employer mandate in the ACA, saying he’d have to pass the cost on to his customers. If he did–if he passed 100% of the increased cost to the customer, it works out to 17 cents per pizza. So fuck him. Even if his crappy pizza was delicious (which it’s not), fuck him.

Pizza Hut is hit-and-miss. Quality varies widely depending on location. You can get somewhat decent stuff there, or you can get diarrhea on crust.

Domino’s is a pizza-like substance. It will do in a pinch.

Jet’s is actually good, if you like thick crust. But they’re not national, so I dunno if they count.

That’s all I know about national chains. I try to be a pizza snob and order from local places. Of course, my kids hate the good stuff and prefer the crappiest stuff out there.

Romonobyl

Aurelio’s was a childhood favorite when I lived in the area long ago. It’s exactly as Lothar described, with a festive yellowish hue. I’d put kittens through a meat grinder to get one of those pies today!
http://www.aureliospizza.com/sites/default/files/frm_thin_crust.jpg

JerBear50
JerBear50

Aurelio’s was fucking great but I haven’t had it in years. Used to go to the original in north Hammond and the one out in Dyer.

aceg
aceg

Lothar’s spot on… in Chicago my go-to delivery is Lou Malnati’s sauuww-saaaage mushroom thin crust. This is a true beauty!!

http://www.followmefoodie.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Lou-Malnatis-Pizzeria-Pizza-Chicago-5.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Best of NYC:

comment image

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

That isn’t even pizza. You could have gone Little Ceasars, at least that is almost food… That I secretly love even though it is the worst. Is there a way to say it is worst than the worst, cuz that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Papa Murphy’s is franchised and varies quite a bit; the one near me is not bad, but to your point the one near a friend’s on the east side of town is terrible.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

It beats the shit you get everywhere else.

Except Little Caesars.

Little Caesars is the worst, and I do love it.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

I’ve never understood the appeal of Papa Murphy’s. The whole reason I’m willing to pay twice as much as a store bought DiGiorno or Freschetta is that I don’t have to do any fucking work.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

“Your comment is awaiting moderation.”

Tha hell? Any way to turn that off?

entropy

Matt Flynn is a New York Jet! Yeah baby! Flynn is ready to lead the Jets to a 6-10 record, a marked improvement over last year’s 4-1—- OH FUCK THIS. I can’t even fake excitement about this. Jesus fucking Christ was Vinny Testaverde too busy stocking shelves in a south Miami Shoprite to play a few snaps for the green and white?!

(Sorry for the threadjack; I just found out about this news and I don’t have enough whiskey at home to keep calm about it)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A desperation move; nobody else is available. Not sure why it is a surprise that this deep into training camp that the likes of Flynn is the best available. There will most likely be a better QB on the last day of cuts.

entropy

You’re most likely right, but it still feels like someone just said “fuck it, give me the least shitty option” and the fans are supposed to accept it. Like I said in another article, yeah, Geno sucks ass, but at least he shows the occasional flash of competence, and with a real first option at receiver, maybe he could be halfway decent.

Now? We get the wreckage of Matt Flynn and whichever 3rd String QB couldn’t beat out Tim Tebow or Zack Mettenberger for a spot on the practice squad. It’s depressing as hell.

blaxabbath

“Just waiting to see what Papa John’s son, Lil John, has to offer.”

http://ww2.hdnux.com/photos/30/16/77/6352853/9/628×471.jpg

Don T

In Albany, NY they served slices with cold cheese on top. Does that happen anywhere else?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Here in St Louis, our style of pizza…
/ducks thrown toasted ravioli
//dodges throwed roll
Ok, it’s a cracker. I still love it and I’m not ashamed!

Old School Zero

If you had real pizza, you wouldn’t have so much racism.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Good grief, if only our society’s problems were as simple as making sure everyone had access to good pizza.

And then, there would STILL be motherfuckers who put BBQ sauce on it. Fucking racists.

blaxabbath

Fuck Dominoes. They basically came out with an ad campaign saying, “yeah, we’ve been serving you shit for decades but your most recent rejection is finally effecting our bottom line so much that we’ve got fresh* ingredients and good* pizza now!”

*Fresh and good are arbitrary terms.

sunrisesunrise

Fresher and gooder?

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

It took me 20 tries to get my pup out of his kitchen prison. He is upstairs hanging out in my room now

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

He is back to sleeping through the day but now on my much more comfy bed

Kungjitsu
Kungjitsu

I would suggest something like:

Eh, you hosers. What do you local hosers eat for local pizza, eh? Sorey. #Go[insert closest NHL team]

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Thank makes no sense. No one who plays hockey cares about their pizza. We have enough Labatts in the locker room/bench we don’t care what we eat after. Or drink in the locker room after when we have like Coors or something else that is basically water.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I would say I am a bad influence, but one teammate that is probably my dads closest friend once dived into an empty pool, broke his neck, Then biked home on a childs bike. He weighed 400 lbs

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Follow up on that. He looked like a globe on the ice but he would play his heart out for as long as he could. Granted that was like 30 sec shifts tops. But I love him, dont want to talk shit about him

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Was his name Jared? And what did he do to the kid whose bike he stole?

Don T

From worst (it’s pizza, fuck it), to let’s buy some from that particular brand.
1. Pizza Hut
2. [intentionally left blank]
3. Little Caesar’s
4. toast
5. Domino’s
6. any van
7. K-Mart
8. school fair
9. Papa John’s

Beerguyrob
ballsofsteelandfury

WTF is that? !? Is that even real? Am i seeing Pizza Cake? !?

Beerguyrob

It never made it out of development, like Blake Bortles’ throwing motion.

http://www.ctvnews.ca/business/is-pizza-cake-the-next-food-game-changer-1.1782772

sunrisesunrise

I prefer ordering from the local places over chains. There are three places within a 5 minute drive of my house: Gaetano’s, Marechiaro’s and Bongiovanni’s. Italian sounding names make me appreciate their food more that one run by a guy named Schnatter.

scotchnaut

I +1 the hell out of this. Don’t support the chains.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

My experience some of the worst local places are better than the chains.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I really fail at leaving… see you in 5 min after my cig.

entropy

Papa John looks like he’s about to take a 3-day nod after shooting up a full gram of heroin into his eyeballs. This is probably the only way he can face himself in the mirror after foisting his garbage “pizza” on the world for the last few decades.

Old School Zero

I have enough decent local places to grab slices from in the area that it’s been a long time since I’ve had chain pizza, but I will get down with a Papa Murphy’s from time to time.

sunrisesunrise

I miss Papa Murphy’s. It was a midweek staple in college.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

Ok, one more Komment before I fuck off. My computer table is made of 2 styrofoam containers for sending Lou Malnatis frozen pizzas sent up to the wasteland that is Wisconsin, discuss

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Does it squeak when you type?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I know you are mocking me, don’t give a shit because you are Moose. They work perfectly as desks.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Styrofoam and duct tape are underrated.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

As someone born in New York, I refuse to eat big chain pizza. New York or New Haven style or GTFO.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

New York Pizza is someone who learned about yeast rising 3rd hand then just force fed someone the cardboard you cooked your Mozz on

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I actually don’t really care about the New Y0rk/Chicago fued. Other than if you talk shit about Lou Malnatis sausage. Best pizza topping I have tasted

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

PIZZA WAR! MOBILIZE ALL PIZZA BATTALIONS! CALL UP THE SICILIAN RESERVES!

comment image?w=562

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I had a gif for this,

comment image

Yeah I randomly posted it 10 min ago, Got it. On board for a pizza war.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly
blaxabbath

Venetzia’s is actually alright. Though tossing it on the roof was a killer Walt move.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I like both styles, but will troll anyone who over supports one or the other.

http://40.media.tumblr.com/186de0619338940a10a02fa571813348/tumblr_naitoyjvhY1rhtqv6o1_500.png

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

I honestly love them both. Don’t tell anyone else though.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

SSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

laserguru

I fucking love Lou’s and visit it every time I’m in Chicago.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
JerBear50
JerBear50

I grew up on Chicago style but have lived in an area dominated by NY style for years. I find it best to just think of them as different foods that happen to share the same name. I prefer Chicago thin but they both have their merits.

Marc Trestmans Windowless Van
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van

IT IS MTWV JOINING A NEW THREAD! Hooray!

comment image?w=650

Ok, fine. I am out.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Well it is subjective to taste (Cuntler will weigh in on that) and I think your post will start a great war.

Personally I like:
http://www.beaujos.com/

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly
His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

try #2.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
laserguru

It may come down to a regional thing but I tend to avoid the major chains. Here in L.A. there are Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa John’s everywhere. For some strange reason there really aren’t very many Little Ceasar’s and oddly enough most of these are located in “the hood”.
Given a choice I would rate Domino’s (thin thin crust) first, followed by Papa John’s, followed by consuming raw sewage, followed by Pizza Hut.

In all honesty, I have lots of local family joints that are far superior to the chains so we usually order from there.

And to start an L.A. pizza war, the best Pizza in all of the city is in El Segundo at Grimaldi’s. These fuckers know what they’re doing. Plus they make their own cheese.

JerBear50
JerBear50

None of the local shops stay open past 10 or so around here, so if you’re eating late a chain is the only choice. When you work nights that becomes an issue.