In Which We Rank The Best Takeout Pizzas

I am currently in the midst of a pizza. A medium pepperoni Hot ‘N’ Ready from Little Caesars, in fact. Some might say this is because I have no shame. This is partly correct. The other reason for this is that it happens to be the closest option to the apartment I’ve been squatting in over the past couple weeks. It is also because there is beer accompanying the pizza.

Here’s the thing, though: I’m fully aware it’s not good pizza. Shit, you think any food you can buy in large quantities for five bucks is gonna be quality? Except for, like, quinoa and all that hippy shit, but let’s get real here. At the same time, though, I’m stuck; for one thing, I’m in a small town right now for work. About 100,000 people total, so the food scene just isn’t on the scale as our major metropolises. Secondly, I’m in Canada, which as all Americans know, is a frozen wasteland devoid of almost all familiar culinary landmarks (save for the obvious ones, plus a Popeyes Chicken. Holy shit is that ever delicious.).

Thus, if I don’t go to Little Caesars, I have the only following options from major chains in my immediate area:

• Papa John’s.

This is apparently the face of culinary expertise. Go Cards?

• Dominos. To be fair, they’ve stepped up their game in recent years, particularly with the rebirth of their pan pizzas, but fuck walking all that way. It’s like a seven minute walk each way. I’m a man of simple base needs, and I refuse to walk anywhere longer than two minutes for pizza if I have something right there.
• Pizza Pizza. For those not in the loop, this is an Ontario brand that dominates the province; unfortunately, it means thick crusts, sub-average amounts of sauce, and spotty topping placement. Their iPhone app is cool as hell, though, and gives you free shit for pretty much every subsequent coming order. So I guess that’s cool.

Admittedly, I am an uncultured heathen, and still have much to learn about pizza. Let’s see if we can establish some definitive rankings for America’s pies moving forward. What is your go-to when ordering a takeout pizza, and why? 

Please note: if you consider Chicago pizza to be actual pizza, I will come over there and fucking smack you.