(Pictured above: a child’s conception of Boltman)

[Ed. Note–for best results, open the links in a new tab as you read and close them after about 10 – 20 seconds; this will provide the full experience of having songs emanate from various foam parts of Boltman’s costume]

FINALLY, BOLTMAN can see the END OF THE OFFSEASON! Naturally, the offseason is BOLTMAN’S least favorite time of year, where only THAI REDBULL MIXED WITH POWDERED LIGHTNING can help with GAMEDAY WITHDRAWAL and silence the VOICES OF THE ELDER GODS!

After JUST MISSING THE PLAYOFFS, and with PHILIP RIVERS TRADE RUMORS and the SPANOS SPAWN possibly forcing the team to move to LEAST ANGELES, this offseason has been HARD ON BOLTMAN! [hip thrusts] For the first time since RYAN LEAF WAS DRAFTED, BOLTMAN has been fighting off DOUBTS! BOLTMAN BARELY KNOWS WHAT IS REAL ANYMORE! [stomp stomp clap, stomp stomp clap] It is a testament to BOLTMAN’S HARD ROCKITUDE to be here today TO BLOW YOUR MIND! [headbanging air guitar]

The 2014 CHARGERS SEASON was an EPIC TALE of two POWERFUL INDIVIDUALS—PHILIP RIVERS AND BOLTMAN! While OVERCOMING ALMOST LEAGUE LEADING injury rates—including HISTORICALLY EPIC injury numbers to our centers and linemen—Rivers enjoyed an MVP SEASON for about six games, until THE LINGERING EFFECTS OF A NORV TURNER OVERDOSE brought him crashing to earth. Try as BOLTMAN might, BOLTMAN’S PATENTED CHARGER PRIDE could not keep Danny Woodhead on the field or PROVIDE ANOTHER DECEMBER MIRACLE! BOLTMAN TRIED, but no amount of FINGER GUNS, SHOTGUN HANDS, OR ASSAULT RIFLE ARMS could SAVE! OUR! SEASON! [finger guns, shotgun hands, and then assault rifle arms]

NOW DAWNS A NEW CHANCE AT GLORY! The 2015 season for the BOLTS IN BLUE look perfect for a CHAMPIONSHIP RUN! BOLTMAN IS READY, and so is OUR OFFENSE! RIVERS signed a four year extension, slapped on his BOLO TIE and is ready to RIDE BAREBACK TO GLORY! [crotch chop, crotch chop, muscle flex] Just in case, we have DAN SMITH FROM BYU LOOKALIKE BRAD SORENSEN! NEW SUPERSTARS Stevie Johnson, Austin Pettis, and Jacoby Jones SURELY CAN’T FAIL! We’ve moved DJ Fluker to guard and still have KING KONG DUNLAP on the line, which will allow THE NEW NATRONE MEANS MELVIN GORDON to run behind A MUCH SMALLER LINE THAN AT WISCONSIN!

WAIT! HOLD ON! All I’m saying is the BOLTS OFFENSIVE LINE is TOO AERODYNAMICALLY STREAMLINED! WE MERELY OPENED UP RUNNING LANES TOO FAST FOR RYAN MATTHEWS TO SEE! YEAH! [Does the Merriman Lights out dance]

What’s that you say? ANTONIO “BAD MOTHERFUCKER” GATES got caught CHEATING? BOLTMAN is here to tell you HE’S JUST TOO FULL OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING! YOUR PUNY TESTS CAN’T HANDLE HIS BADASSITUDE! [begins running in place and randomly dropping to do poor-form pushups] HUP! HUP! HUP! Listen, brother, Gates ain’t juicing, he’s just an old BADASS dealing with so many years of BREAKING FOOLS, and thanks to these PEDs he’s ALMOST FASTER THAN FRANK GIFFORD! IN FACT, Gates being suspended is a great thing, since it gives the coaching staff a chance to find NEW CREATIVE WAYS for Ladarius Green to RIDE THE PINE! WAIT! WHAT IS BOLTMAN SAYING? Not the PINE! Uh… THE LIGHTNING! RIDE THE LIGHTNING! [clumsy, uncertain air guitar]

On the defensive side, Corey Liuget was a SACK MONSTER with 4.5 SACKS! I GUESS THAT’S A PRETTY TINY MONSTER! [involuntary shoulder twitches] Nnnnggg… Still, our staff saw fit to sign him to a contract that made him THE FOURTH HIGHEST PAID 3-4 DEFENSIVE LINEMAN IN THE NFL TODAY! You don’t get a contract like that without reasons, and if you know what those reasons are, PLEASE TELL BOLTMAN! [stands oddly still for a moment until suddenly throwing up the devil horn hands]

At least we still have THE MERMAN MACHINE ERIC WEDDLE on the team, who, LIKE THE TSA, serves as the LAST AND ONLY LINE OF DEFENSE WE NEED! Grrrrrnnnn… I hear he’s aiming to stop the opposing teams ONLY FIVE YARDS PAST THE FIRST DOWN THIS YEAR! THAT’S PROGRESS! [aggressively goes into a Hulk Hogan flexing routine] BOLTMAN CAN SMELL THE PSYCHOSPHERE! GRRRAAAHHHHHHH! Thank goodness for THAT FANTASTIC BRANDON FLOWERS and VA-VA-VA-VOOM VERRETT! Two UNSTOPPABLE CB STUDS, a fact that NO PUNDITS OR STRANGE INTERNAL VOICES CAN DENY! THIS SOOTHES BOLTMAN! [starts a one-man wave]

Last year, our linebackers defined SMART FOOTBALL, as they spent more time THINKING ABOUT TACKLING THAN ACTUALLY DOING IT! In fact, it’s SAFE TO SAY that our LBs have the BEST BRAINS IN FOOTBALL since NONE OF THEM ARE FAST ENOUGH TO CAUSE ANY HEAD TRAUMA! [grabs a giant D and a giant Fence, then slumps slightly before dropping them back to the ground]

Thankfully, we sought to supplement the SLOW, SMALL, BUT FOOTBALL SMART Manti Te’o with our 2^nd round pick Denzel Perryman, who is SLOW, SMALL, BUT FOOTBALL SMART! [self high fives] Our linebackers this year are such physical specimens, HALF OF THEM MIGHT MAKE A PAC 12 TEAM! In fact, I’m so confident in our ELLE BEES that I can MAKE A BOLTMAN GUARANTEE that thanks to NEW LB COACH MIKE “THE SUIT” NOLAN, we’ll only allow TWO TOUCHDOWNS and LESS THAN 300 YARDS to the BYE WEEK! [grabs head with both hands and seems to struggle]

AT LEAST WE HAVE COACH MCCOY, whose steady and unchanging leadership style VERGES ON ZEN-LIKE NOTHINGNESS! His BOTTOMLESS VOID style of press conferences lulls our opponents into AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS and makes their wins suddenly seem MEANINGLESS AND EMPTY! [Woos like Ric Flair a dozen times] He’s so committed to the lack of substance that he SHUNS THE HOITY TOITY NERDINESS OF MODERN SPORTS ANALYTICS! When deciding to punt he only looks at the down, because stats like DISTANCE, QUARTER, AND THE SCORE OF A MUST WIN GAME only mean something to PENCIL NECK GEEKS! [he seems to freeze before shaking out of it] BOLTMAN! BOLTMAN! BOLTMAN! BOLTMAN! YEAHHHHHHHH!

This is the year we need to SAVE! THE! STADIUM! [flexes muscles] Luckily, our non-division home games–or as BOLTMAN calls them, SLAUGHTERHOUSE POWER HOURS–feature such BIG ATTRACTIONS like THE LIONS, THE BROWNS, AND THE DOLPHINS! LITTLE BABY WETS-A-LOT CUTLER will be back with DUH BEARS as well, just in case we have ANY FANS FROM 2008 LEFT! NO DOUBT OUR NEWFOUND SOLD OUT CROWDS WILL BE READY TO BE LOUUUUUUUUUUUUUD! [jumping jacks]

So BOLTMAN has just two predictions: A CHAMPIONSHIP AND A NEW STADIUM IN SAN DIEGO! No matter what BOLTMAN said above, there is but one secret weapon they need to unleash to reach full potential: BOLTMAN! With BOLTMAN leading the CHARGE FOR THE CHARGERS, THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THEY CAN FAIL! WHAT WOULD BECOME OF BOLTMAN’S REALITY IF THEY DID NOT MAKE THE PLAYOFFS AND MOVED TO LOS ANGELES?

(stares into the middle distance until he suddenly begins to shake uncontrollably)

nnnnnnnnnnngggghhhhaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! CHAMPIONSHIP! BOLTMAN OUT!

(dances off into the sunset as an ominous shadows falls over Jack Murphy stadium)