Even though we are blazing our own path here in the wild badlands of the Internet, there are some traditions that are worthy of keeping. One of those is praising our own when we do a good. After all, this Commentist party was built on Excellence in Commenting. With that, I present to you the first batch of our Zombie Al Davis Commitment to Excellence Awards:
From the Inaugural JV Football Open Thread (9/5/15)
From A Psalm of Tim (9/5/15)
Chip Kelly Thank you Tim. I know you know the Bible. So, the path of the righteous coach is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish offensive coordinator and the tyranny of evil agents.
Blessed is he who, in the name of Oregon and good will, shepherds the weak QB’s (You listening Mariota!) through the valley of pre-season, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost free agents.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my Eagles. And you will know my name is the Lord Kelley when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”
From the Jacksonville/London Jaguars Preview (9/7/15)
You have no idea how bad it really is. The five playoff wins is still better than the Chiefs (3) and the Lions (1) since the NFL merger, not since the Jags came into the league, since the fucking AFL/NFL merger. Let’s delve into the suck.
– 4(Four) WR’s drafted in the first round in team history. 4( as in every single one of them) bounced out of the league for substance abuse: R.J. Soward, Reggie Williams, Matt Jones, and Justin Blackmon
– With the exception of Tony Boselli, there hasn’t been a Pro Bowl player they haven’t stumbled into. Brunell, McCardell, and Jimmy Smith were all castoffs who happened to wildly exceed expectations. Fred Taylor was only drafted because Curtis Enis was taken by the bears. Coughlin wanted the fat slow 240lb back instead of the 230lb back who ran 4.3 and had 3% body fat. MJD was just supposed to be a return guy. Annnnd scene.
– Jack del Rio impressed Wayne Weaver by having his calendar filled out three years in advance to the quarter hour. How is that not bullshit? And it all ended nine years later with me standing behind del Rio in a pastry shop at 9:30 in the morning on a Friday in November. Most NFL coaches would have already been at work for six and a half hours, but Jackie Rivers knew the team was being sold and he was getting fired, so fuck it he got some eclairs. I would have talked shit to him, but that is a big muhfucka. He was every bit of 6’4″ 270lbs.
— Blake Bortles had the worst QBR in the NFL last year — worse than Geno Smith and Kirk Cousins, and Raheem Abdullah Carr (that’s the Raiders’ QB’s name, right?)– and he isn’t within the Hubble telescope’s range of being the worst QB the Jaguars have drafted in the last five years.
— When St. Louis fucked up in 1994 and the team was awarded to Jacksonville, Jacksonville ALMOST gave it back because a couple of country clubs didn’t want to integrate… in 1994. It’s not that the 20-something Negro players might want to join, but there were going to be a number of team and league reps who um… uh… may not have the closest relationships with our Lord and Savior who were going to be forced to live here and they might want to. These old money pieces of shit actually tried to dig their heels in.
— The Jags just traded their best player, Josh Scobee, to the Steelers for a 6th rounder. The kicker was their best player. Now their best player is the punter who was drafted in the 3rd round five spots ahead of Russell Wilson.
I don’t watch them anymore. They’re boring in the way they suck. There’s no butt fumbles or drama. I want Blake Bortles to start speaking in a fake English accent to troll the fans about the team moving to London, saying shit like tele and pitch and match and innit.
From the HOLY SHIT BROWNS post (9/7/15)
Assaulting a woman who isn’t your wife outside of an elevator? These Browns really are different from the ones that moved to Baltimore.
“Don’t worry, Andy. I know ‘suspended indefinitely’ sounds ominous, but trust me, you’ll be back on solid ground again soon enough.”
– James Dungy
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I don’t know, at this point it just seems like a low-hanging fruit.
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From the Carolina Panthers preview (9/7/15)
Weird – just went to the Panthers’ home page, and under “Contract” each player’s status is “Indentured.”
I really like Cam. He’s had some tough stretches the last few years, but you’ve got to watch out for him once he gets rolling.
From the Texans preview (I’m still not sure if this is real, 9/9/15)
I was lead to this website from another user and I have an unbelievable story to tell.
I’m a Texans fan.
From the Atlanta preview:
I will never tire of “Sherman through Georgia” jokes.
Although my wife, Georgia, is pretty damn tired of them.
But it is soooooooooo charming to live in Mid-Town or Virginia Highlands! Look! I even restored this house built in 1954 with my own hands! 1954! It’s historic and personifies the struggles of Atlanta rebuilding after being unfairly occupied!
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Is that the place on Peachtree Lane? Or Peachtree Blvd? Or Peachtree Street? Y’know, parallel to Peachtree Trail, around the corner from Peachtree Court, and a block south of Peachtree Avenue.
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They’re all in the Peachtree District right?
From the In Which We Rank Athletes From Other Sports At Their Potential Ability To Play Football (9/9/15)
Tony Stewart, because he will run a guy over.
From the Thursday Night Football Open Threads:
ashleymadison.com-a proud corporate sponsor of the New England Patriots because, well, if you’re not a cheater you wouldn’t understand.
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Ashley Madison Dot Com “Come Get Your Balls Deflated”
Meanwhile at WP headquarters:
Truly, this has been a Gronking to Remember.
From the Raiders Sign Aldon Smith post (9/11/15)
I GET ALDON! BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU ARE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN
From the Selection of Phrases from Recent Posts post that turned into a Friday night football open thread (9/10/15)
Why does Matt Leinart sound like an old guy from Philly though?
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Oh jeez, that is just wrong. Funny, but wrong.
Made me throw up in my mouth a little, even.Users who have LIKED this comment:
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Also wrong in the sense that there is no way any of the girls he hooks up with have any pubic hair.
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You’re confusing him with Nacho. Easy mistake—USC QBs who are undeserving of even making it to the NFL.
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From the EPL/JV Football Open Thread (9/12/15):
I sort of want to see a beaver and wolverine fight it out.
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Sounds like my wedding night.
In addition, I am including a gif posts of the week category. From the JV Football Open Thread post (9/5/15):
Wooooo! Long Weekend!
?w=302&h=372
Time to let loose
Here’s your Austin Collie in the CFL update:
Still BC’s 3rd best offensive option.
This has been your Austin Collie update.
and because I have a minimum of 4 months of physio for my strained groin, lets of stretching
From the Jaguars preview post:
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I will forever think of them as the Jaguras.
From the First Half of Thursday Night Football Open Thread:
New England intros… I can’t watch even though it is the first game of the year and I miss football.
NSFWish
From the DFO Late Night thread (9/11/15)
And, of course, the Pictures of the Week:
From the In Which We Rank Athletes From Other Sports (9/9/15)
Man the internet is going crazy over what’s on Rex’s screen
Good job everyone! Here is your prize:
Buddy: Why’d you pick Adrian Peterson at #1?
Me: He’s going to be really fresh and ready to go because unlike his son, he hasn’t been hit in more than a year.
Buddy: …..