Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!
GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.
KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.
Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.
Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.
Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.
Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.
Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.
EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.
How the fuck are we doing boys?!?!?! And DFO-ettes!
Okay, that was a pretty great TD celebration from Kelce
Ah shit is it going to be Johnny football time soon.
GO FOR IT YOU GLORIOUS FUCKERS!!
Stuck in transit til 4:00 games.
Go easy bros.
That was so Browns: McCown with a nice scramble to the goal line, gets helicoptered barely short of a TD, loses ball, Jets touchback
And is now going in for more concussion monitoring.
Cutler indifferently walking away after fumbling the ball deep in Bears’ territory?
Welcome back, Bears football.
The Stray Cat Strut
“I didn’t even want it that much anyway.”
Punt? Whatever …–Catler.
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This game’s ending 2-0 in overtime, isn’t it.
McCown getting rackytacked and fumbling into the end zone is vintage Browns, that’s great hustle.
McCopter.
Skinny girl music…. no pants.
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Like button disappeared. But I most definitely like!!
hey guys
Hey buddy!
What a Brownsian drive that was.
How the fuck you doin, boys?!
BWAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA
UPDATE: well, Catler’s knee is down
Browns – don’t stop being the Browns.
Well that was the most Jets-y Browns-ish thing that could happen.
Lockett scores for Seattle. I drafted the guy but didn’t play him. Boo me. I deserve it.
Holy shit! I did play him! Don’t boo me.
Boo-urns! Boo-urns!
CLE with a 10 minute drive that results in a Jets touchback.
How very Factory.
Holy balls that was a terrible blitz by Dix
DeSean Jackson? DEAD
Finally, some good news!
Yea, it’s not like we need him or anything…
The Rams can’t even fill up their stadium on opening day against a division rival? The fucking Cards are in Cincy, even.
Honest to god, I forgot that the Rams were in the same division. I can always remember they are in the NFC…but that is it.
We didn’t want to help Stan pay for the move.
Seriously the Dolphins could not tackle a girl scout….
“Would come back?”
“Yeah”
“Well here’s our card”
/everyone sees it’s actually from McD’s
//everyone throws up
They cut the scene where the McDonald’s woman told them they’d be shitting their brains out in about half an hour.
I’m wondering how terrible/borderline retarded stupid Ryan Mallett must be.
[*Redacted] s bar moved to a larger location, I gots a seat and waitress service! Plus a dolphins 3 and out! I’m savoring this success while it lasts!
Looks like Jackson just pulled his hamstring so savor-off
I really wish Jordy would be playing. Rodgers would have surely put it where only Nelson could drop it
Can someone more savvy than me explain to me all these fantasy football commercials and how it isn’t illegal? I mean the ones showing people winning millions and shit. Isn’t that technically gambling?
Remember a while back all the commercials for online porker websites and then the FBI shut them down. Isn’t the same thing going to happen?
Fantasy football is a game of skill, and bribes. Lots of bribes.
OK, I know I’m being controversial, but I’ll go out on a limb and say Hoyer kinda sucks at this.
It seems as if bet GM, “I bet you can make a commercial that people hate without saying a single word” and they just grinned knowing they’d already won.
What? Starting two rookies and a guy who’s never played before on your line is a terrible idea? Someone call Jeff Fisher and tell him!
Glad to see Houston’s offense is already in late-season form.
Romo, the Cougars played yesterday. We all know the NFL left Houston years ago
Bullshit! I’m 100% sure that’s Case Keenum.
Looks like Hoyer’s in mid season form
WHat!? HOW?!?! I switch channels and somehow the fucking Panthers have gone from 1st and goal to now a 43 yard field goal???
Its like watching oversized Peewee football.
OPI, sack
Percy Harvin sighting!
That was an awesomely okay first drive!
It’s like Brian Hoyer is shit or something.
Hand singals eh gay ref, how kinky.
That moment that you look at your lineup and see you are playing Chris Ivory in a money league…
BJ RAJI LIVES
Damn, needed an Eddie RoyalDOWN there.
RGIII is the starter if he is white or at least not dating a white girl right?
Am I insane for having that opinion?
Sadly no
Yes. Being good at football would be more helpful.
Maybe but at least he got dumped by Subway before the whole Jared Fogle pedobear thing, so theres that.
Nah. Fatty Faced Gruden never wanted RGIII as his starter.
This Bears drive is setting up so nicely for a disappointing field goal.
3 and 13 lets run it…..
The Giants are playing?
If Miami loses to the Dolphins, they get relegated to the CFL right?
I meant Miami loses to the Hateful Slurs.
Miami loses to the Dolphins pretty much weekly, no?
I think you made a typo but Miami losing to the Dolphins is still about right.
I apologize…I am on a lot of medication right now…
Non-football related…I’ve had an utterly intense month. Ended up spending a weekend in a psych ward instead of flying to Japan for work. Total breakdown from work stress. I’m not allowed to go out in the field to do work cause of the meds. I struggle to even talk cause of a verbal tick now.
I’m sitting in my apartment, waiting for HR to just email me that I’m fired when my phone rings and its a CEO for a company in PA, close to where I got family, offering me more money for an office gig.
Fucking crazy man.
Jaquizz Rodgers!
http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–dE5H5WeZ–/18bi2cwj4kztkjpg.jpg
I wonder if his street name is “Two Phonze”?
I had forgotten the Bears had a player named Jaquizz. I’ll need some time to work on some Jaquizz-Sex Cannon jokes.
Packers can’t tackle Forte
FOOTBALL IS BACK YOU GUYS
Classic Capers containment
“You don’t need to wrap up. Just imagine you’re a fucking rocket”
Damn are the Browns putting on the NFL equivalent of a satyr play with those uniforms.
DONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN’T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE