No Pants? No Problem. Your Early Slate of Games

Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! It’s here, it’s queer and it’s not going away. I don’t know what that means but it sounded good in my head. I hope everyone is prepared-feel free to tell us what you’re eating/drinking to celebrate this most wonderful of days. As for you guys and gals lurking out there, sign up, get in here and lose your dick joke virginity. No one is going to be shoved into a locker because Horatio reaaaaaaally likes it in there and is sure as hell not going to give it up at this point. [in superhero voice] TO THE GAMES!

GB vs Chi: Good news-Cutler had some new charisma dampeners installed during the offseason. It will influence his play in no way whatsoever. The Packers look to be headed to the NFC Championship even without Jordy and it starts with a win here.

KC at Hou: I’ll go out on a limb and say that the wideout TD drought ends today with a toss to Maclin. I think Kelce, the best tight end after the human TD machine that is Gronk, will grab one also. Houston has a problem-they are 2-12 without Foster and there is only so much that Hopkins can catch. Sounds like a losing formula.

Cle vs NYJ: After this game one team will have a head start on their inevitable descent to the basement of their division whereas the winner’s same path will be delayed by one game. I’m thinking the Jets follow the lead of their eventual starter at QB and take this one on the chin.

Ind vs Buff: 32 yr. old Gore’s last hurrah will take place in Indy. The guy has done remarkably well for someone who has blown out a knee, had major surgery on both shoulders and fractured a hip. The Tyrod Taylor Era begins in Buffalo. It will be characterized by sailing balls, long scampers, ugly low-scoring games and a 2nd place finish in the AFC East. Maybe.

Mia at Wash: Does anyone cheer for the Washington franchise any more? They’ve got a powerful stink coming off them these days. Here’s hoping Miami slaps Snyder into the 21st century.

Car vs Jax: The Jags perhaps maybe making incremental progress? (sentence sponsored by PK) Bortles looked better in the pre-season, there’s a new RB in town and Robinson, Lee and Hurns aren’t the worst set of wideouts in the league. (I think the Titans, Niners and Browns are fighting for that distinction) If Funchess works out the Panthers will have a devastating aerial attack next year but I’m told there are still some games to be played in 2015.

Sea at StL: Business as usual for the ‘Hawks. I remain surprised that coach Carroll has been able to sustain this amount of success after the debacle that was his tour as leader of the Jets. One of the stars of a snarky post I did about “breakout” fantasy players may get the start at RB for the Rams. Step up to the mic Benny Cunningham and try not to trip on the way. The Rams are 3-17 against Seattle the last ten years. Ouch.

 

EDIT: The afternoon games thread is LIVE.

https://www.doorfliesopen.com/index.php/2015/09/13/taste-the-pants-free-lifestyle-your-late-games-open-thread/

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ThePirateSloth

How the fuck are we doing boys?!?!?! And DFO-ettes!

Smithchez

Okay, that was a pretty great TD celebration from Kelce

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Ah shit is it going to be Johnny football time soon.

Doktor Zymm

GO FOR IT YOU GLORIOUS FUCKERS!!

Sill Bimmons

Stuck in transit til 4:00 games.

Go easy bros.

Moonbatting Average

That was so Browns: McCown with a nice scramble to the goal line, gets helicoptered barely short of a TD, loses ball, Jets touchback

Grummmmble

And is now going in for more concussion monitoring.

...

Cutler indifferently walking away after fumbling the ball deep in Bears’ territory?

Welcome back, Bears football.

John Difool

The Stray Cat Strut

Thrillhouse

“I didn’t even want it that much anyway.”

Spanky Datass
Senor Weaselo

This game’s ending 2-0 in overtime, isn’t it.

Thrillhouse

McCown getting rackytacked and fumbling into the end zone is vintage Browns, that’s great hustle.

Senor Weaselo

McCopter.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
King Hippo

Like button disappeared. But I most definitely like!!

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Hey buddy!

Smithchez

What a Brownsian drive that was.

How the fuck you doin, boys?!

packman_jon

BWAAAAAAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHHA

UPDATE: well, Catler’s knee is down

Lord Joe Don Looney

Browns – don’t stop being the Browns.

Grummmmble

Well that was the most Jets-y Browns-ish thing that could happen.

Senor Weaselo

Boo-urns! Boo-urns!

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

CLE with a 10 minute drive that results in a Jets touchback.

King Hippo

How very Factory.

packman_jon

Holy balls that was a terrible blitz by Dix

King Hippo

DeSean Jackson? DEAD

John Difool

Yea, it’s not like we need him or anything…

Moonbatting Average

The Rams can’t even fill up their stadium on opening day against a division rival? The fucking Cards are in Cincy, even.

JustStopDude

Honest to god, I forgot that the Rams were in the same division. I can always remember they are in the NFC…but that is it.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

We didn’t want to help Stan pay for the move.

JustStopDude

Seriously the Dolphins could not tackle a girl scout….

packman_jon

“Would come back?”
“Yeah”
“Well here’s our card”
/everyone sees it’s actually from McD’s
//everyone throws up

...

They cut the scene where the McDonald’s woman told them they’d be shitting their brains out in about half an hour.

King Hippo

I’m wondering how terrible/borderline retarded stupid Ryan Mallett must be.

Doktor Zymm

[*Redacted] s bar moved to a larger location, I gots a seat and waitress service! Plus a dolphins 3 and out! I’m savoring this success while it lasts!

John Difool

Looks like Jackson just pulled his hamstring so savor-off

packman_jon

I really wish Jordy would be playing. Rodgers would have surely put it where only Nelson could drop it

JustStopDude

Can someone more savvy than me explain to me all these fantasy football commercials and how it isn’t illegal? I mean the ones showing people winning millions and shit. Isn’t that technically gambling?

Remember a while back all the commercials for online porker websites and then the FBI shut them down. Isn’t the same thing going to happen?

Whole Fn Show

Fantasy football is a game of skill, and bribes. Lots of bribes.

Romonobyl

OK, I know I’m being controversial, but I’ll go out on a limb and say Hoyer kinda sucks at this.

...

It seems as if bet GM, “I bet you can make a commercial that people hate without saying a single word” and they just grinned knowing they’d already won.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

What? Starting two rookies and a guy who’s never played before on your line is a terrible idea? Someone call Jeff Fisher and tell him!

Romonobyl

Glad to see Houston’s offense is already in late-season form.

packman_jon

Romo, the Cougars played yesterday. We all know the NFL left Houston years ago

...

Bullshit! I’m 100% sure that’s Case Keenum.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Looks like Hoyer’s in mid season form

JustStopDude

WHat!? HOW?!?! I switch channels and somehow the fucking Panthers have gone from 1st and goal to now a 43 yard field goal???

Its like watching oversized Peewee football.

King Hippo

OPI, sack

Doktor Zymm

That was an awesomely okay first drive!

King Hippo

It’s like Brian Hoyer is shit or something.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Hand singals eh gay ref, how kinky.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

That moment that you look at your lineup and see you are playing Chris Ivory in a money league…

packman_jon

BJ RAJI LIVES

King Hippo

Damn, needed an Eddie RoyalDOWN there.

JustStopDude

RGIII is the starter if he is white or at least not dating a white girl right?

Am I insane for having that opinion?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Sadly no

Whole Fn Show

Yes. Being good at football would be more helpful.

John Difool

Maybe but at least he got dumped by Subway before the whole Jared Fogle pedobear thing, so theres that.

...

Nah. Fatty Faced Gruden never wanted RGIII as his starter.

...

This Bears drive is setting up so nicely for a disappointing field goal.

John Difool

3 and 13 lets run it…..

JustStopDude

If Miami loses to the Dolphins, they get relegated to the CFL right?

I meant Miami loses to the Hateful Slurs.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Miami loses to the Dolphins pretty much weekly, no?

John Difool

I think you made a typo but Miami losing to the Dolphins is still about right.

JustStopDude

I apologize…I am on a lot of medication right now…

JustStopDude

Non-football related…I’ve had an utterly intense month. Ended up spending a weekend in a psych ward instead of flying to Japan for work. Total breakdown from work stress. I’m not allowed to go out in the field to do work cause of the meds. I struggle to even talk cause of a verbal tick now.

I’m sitting in my apartment, waiting for HR to just email me that I’m fired when my phone rings and its a CEO for a company in PA, close to where I got family, offering me more money for an office gig.

Fucking crazy man.

Romonobyl

I wonder if his street name is “Two Phonze”?

...

I had forgotten the Bears had a player named Jaquizz. I’ll need some time to work on some Jaquizz-Sex Cannon jokes.

packman_jon

Packers can’t tackle Forte
FOOTBALL IS BACK YOU GUYS

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Classic Capers containment

packman_jon

“You don’t need to wrap up. Just imagine you’re a fucking rocket”

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Damn are the Browns putting on the NFL equivalent of a satyr play with those uniforms.

packman_jon

DONNNNNNNNNNNNNNN’T CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE
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