I don’t know about you but it looks like an absolutely beautiful fall day out there. A great day to work in the yard, as a matter of fact. But I won’t be doing that AT ALL. Because of the football, you see. Glorious, glorious games with frothing at the mouth giants trying to disembowel some other guy because he prefers to wear a uniform with a different colour on it. Existential, huh? No? Well, umm, here are the games…
Det vs SD: Melvin Gordon makes his debut against last year’s best rushing defense. Sure there are Suh pieces missing but Melvin [giggles quietly to himself] has some work to do. Welcome to the NFL buddy. These teams rarely play each other so that’s important. The Bolts have 8-8 written all over them.
Ten at TB: I can only assume that this will be the featured game because the NFL is a stupidhead. Titans! Bucs! Oh My! Mariota begins the massive uphill struggle that is getting acclimated to the whys, wherefores and whatchamacallits of the pro game. Evans plans to play but if he’s a no-go don’t blame me for starting him in fantasy. (hamstrings are a such dicey thing with wideouts) Winston gets the start and I miss Giraffe already.
Cin at Oak: This one is for all the chili that you can pour over Ramen noodles. Hey, we’re on a budget! The dangerous (to himself) Dalton has quality help in Green and Hill and he’ll need it because it looks like Khalil Mack is the second coming of [insert name of your favourite defensive player here]. Cincy has never won in Oakland-they’re 0-9.
Bal at Den: This here is the feature game for the 4:25(?) slot. E.S.T. RULES! Apparently the Broncs are dialing it back on O because Peyton can’t feel his fingers or somesuch. I don’t get what the big deal is, I hardly have any feelings at all and I’m fine. Although CJ is a fine back the Ravens are always quite stuffy on D so we’ll see where that goes. Smith, Sr., just get this year over with so that you can get into the booth and be the most interesting talking head since David Byrne.
NO vs Ari: Carson is back! Fans are hoping that last year’s surprising-est team (9 games in) that flew under most folks radar is back and that the window to glory is still open. On paper that seems to be the case. On the other side, Brees has to adjust to the loss of Graham, an aging Colston and the addition of Spiller. Regarding Spiller, and I never get tired of saying this, “He can’t run between the tackles!”. I think Brees will manage just fine with these new variables. If his arm was chewing gum I’d say that there’s still some flavour left. Not sure about that D though…
Dear Progressive,
Please go back to the talking box commercials. At least those have Chris Parnell.
I’m just going to click this
http://martin-ksk.tumblr.com/random
And post whatever comes up until the game actually begins.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/8e7a5318b356c1c5f279c5bc29f54817/tumblr_nllh3zB8Kt1uq3x5lo1_1280.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/224e8d88c3b6f87f6eecb49e5c2a5f8c/tumblr_nlyh1vglCm1uq3x5lo1_1280.jpg
Oops. Forget there are NSFW posts.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/128304cc60531ec1fdffc4060cd3d8a4/tumblr_nllh40Zchz1uq3x5lo1_500.jpg
http://41.media.tumblr.com/d80f2af405892ddb0b0328ee5ac926a9/tumblr_nltydznMD01r8bjnao1_1280.jpg
Nice!
Fucking nice!
Jeff Fisher: I didn’t think we’d score that much with Nick Foles.
Chip Kelly: I didn’t think ANYONE would.
Cutler should just say don’t care and walk off.
Oh great Jimmy Fallon. Because Football Night in America wasn’t intolerable enough.
He slid into Leno’s role as a company man perfectly.
Had to check el beisbol, Mets won again. Time for more beer.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-tzhUVHUnvwE/Tbhtq-NTAUI/AAAAAAAAAE4/dmJagpXF9us/s400/Pirates%2BP.png
Cold night on the subway no pants.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RqYpRuuy87w/TwtRl6eCqXI/AAAAAAAAQik/to7UI0mQ6As/s1600/No%2BPants%2BSkyTrain%2BRide%2B2012-1.jpg
http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/no-pants-are-the-best-pants.jpg
Are pantyhose pants?
http://41.media.tumblr.com/68eeb4aec64872f3dd625dda314ec954/tumblr_mqu4hn57mQ1qgojlgo1_1280.jpg
[looks at pic]
I don’t really care about the distinction at the moment.
No.
Eli Manning’s mom fixed microwaves while she was pregnant with him or something right?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76mexNsTyfo
He ate a lot of paint chips as a child.
Guys. GUYS. I totally grew a cucumber on my back porch. A full-size, girthsome, cucumber. I OWN PLANTS AND I WILL EAT THEIR YOUNG!
http://38.media.tumblr.com/1f5359228774ae0f7b100f6ce5cb4f79/tumblr_n43jsgIYuP1r3gb3zo1_400.gif
There is a joke here somewhere.
My plants feed the fucking (literally) neighborhood overrun rabbits.
You’re like the Immortan Joe of plant growers..
Immortan Joe had a pretty dope ass garden.
Rape, Kill, Eat.
Not judging which order you do that, Doc.
I grew tomatoes… the birds loved that shit… next time I’m getting a net.
Watch your back, Monsanto.
:large
Remember guys, check the pressure of that spare!
http://41.media.tumblr.com/f26b07bef164bbd4f92d6008790197dd/tumblr_nia6uiybE21qbf849o1_500.jpg
Jameis Winston wants to remind you that it’s possible to carry too much spare tire.
in our 20 team league i was better off starting injured Gino Smith than Flacco who is netting -10 points
Manning gave me -.53. Fitzpatrick got 28.73. Shoot me now.
Catwalk pants lacking.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/7c0eed0c47449d70af2c32b86541669e/tumblr_mqjfv0zyqy1r050odo1_500.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/3262409d18bdcfbc741749c4c0a51572/tumblr_nllh3uvfsE1uq3x5lo1_1280.jpg
Jesus Christ I literally hate EVERYTHING about “Football Night in America”.
It makes me hate my freedom.
I don’t know why no one’s ordered a drone strike on it. I really don’t.
I detest every single person on this show. Its like the perfect storm of sanctimonious bullshit. It epitomizes everything wrong with the NFL.
I’m watching ESPN. They’re discussing Bal/Den and being REALLY careful about not saying “Peyton’s arm is gone.”
http://40.media.tumblr.com/646355ea1c68f4ea81cbe6e0610a6e57/tumblr_nui8u5bKiy1uq3x5lo1_1280.jpg
First week overreations. THE BILLS/CHIEFS/RAMS are going to the super bowl!
Also rookies suck, rookies going to be HoFers!!
The Eagles haven’t lost yet, so in my region the parade is still scheduled in their honor.
DAMN STRAIGHT WE ALL ARE!
MORE ABSINTHE FOR EVERYONE!
LH PUTTGRASS SIGNING OFF AND HEADED FOR THE TUB!! ALERT TED KOPPEL!
Solid reference. We are old, by the way
God Bless Bloom County.
Penthouse view, hat, shoes, no pants.
http://40.media.tumblr.com/e8e2a61c546dacf8aa19f2757384f13c/tumblr_n17hxxHnJi1rol2yio1_1280.jpg
At least Andrew Luck is only plucking and spreading his beard hair around the room in that commercial.
Technically not pants:
http://41.media.tumblr.com/42f322b18d8eda4310fbdf9c4fdc8c3c/tumblr_nub89xNU8C1tic5ovo1_500.jpg
Jesus, Winston has the poise of Blaine Gabbert.
And the Body of Jamarcus Russell
Jesus. I think he felt those, you guys.
And the arrest record of Darren Sharper.
For a shit game, Bal-Den ended well.
Well that wasn’t supposed to be a reply, but no pants happy.
http://31.media.tumblr.com/68b4054ca28b3d3c02bf14a5d0db0e54/tumblr_mr6fwzDnsm1szbh2oo1_500.gif
Apropos of something….
NICE JOB, SERVERS!!!!!
Good hustle on the posts today, Scotchy!
Aight kids, I’ll see you tonight. Try not to burn the place down while I’m gone.
I’ll take it.
I feel better. Not good, but better
Season still looks dicey. Agreed. But loved the defensive effort. And the kicker’s now a badass.
Helluva play by Bruton to knock the ball away in the first place.
This is true.
Skynet Manning beats the shitbirds again.
Damn it Joe!
Jut digestifs
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Send a bambulance for Sill!
As much fun as Winston picks are, I would much rather see a really painful Winston injury. I usually don’t root for injuries, but I make an exception for people I think are real pieces of shit.
Or a Ryan Leaf-esque career, complete with post-NFL legal problems.
Heckuva pick.
Orange fuckers.
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PEYTON DOES IT AGAIN!
ELITECEPTION