Scene: Outside of Le Muffin de Crosse, a French bakery in the downtown area. OSZ and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van are just stepping outside, licking frosting off their fingers.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: See? I told you this was a good idea.
OSZ: I’m not arguing. It’s just that it’s a five-mile ride back to the clubhouse.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Well, if you need me to pedal for awhile…
OSZ: Actually, that’d be…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: I mean, I twisted my ankle earlier, but I can grit through the pain.
OSZ: Never mind. Get on the bike.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Dibs on the handlebars!
Cut to: An unmarked police car, driven by The City’s Top Detective. Riding along with him is the Hard-boiled Detective.
Hard-boiled Detective: Look, I’m just telling you, I’m not happy about this.
Top Detective: I understand. But we’re cops. It’s a big city out there, and it’s up to us to protect it. We can’t do that on an empty stomach. The good citizens of the metropolis give us a generous forty-five minutes for lunch, not a minute longer, and this was the closest place.
Hard-boiled Detective: I just don’t like supporting the lifestyle of a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys.
Top Detective: You know who was there in 1776, when all that stood between freedom and living under the yoke of imperialism was a few good men with muskets? The French. Sure, we’ve had a few problems since then, but for over 200 years they’ve been our allies. I’m proud to eat their food, and if you don’t like it…
Hard-boiled Detective: Hold on.
Top Detective: Look, detective, your attitude is beginning to wear on me. We’re cops, not diplomats. You want to eat somewhere else tomorrow? Fine, you drive. But today I’m in the driver’s seat, and I say…
Hard-boiled Detective: No, I mean, look…over there. In front of the French bakery. Those two men, getting on that bicycle.
Top Detective (putting the red light on the roof of the car): You’ve got a good eye, detective. Those are DFOers, all right. Time to get some answers.
Cut to: OSZ, starting to pedal as Marc Trestmans Windowless Van sits on the handlebars.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, it’s the cops! Cheese it, man!
OSZ: Why? We haven’t done anything.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (turning to look at OSZ while smoking a joint): Well…
OSZ: Seriously? You couldn’t wait?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, man, my THC levels were low.
OSZ (starting to pedal furiously): Zut alors!
Cut to: the unmarked police car.
Hard-boiled Detective: They’re making a run for it!
Top Detective: Hold on, detective.
Cue chase music:
OSZ tears across the street, the police car in hot pursuit. He takes the bicycle onto the sidewalk, veering in and out between pedestrians. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van hangs onto the handlebars, his legs swinging to and fro as the bicycle maneuvers.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Whee!
A truck pulls out from an alley and OSZ swings back onto the road, right in front of the unmarked police car.
Hard-boiled Detective: We’ve got ’em now! Step on it!
Seeing a traffic jam ahead, OSZ makes a hard left, weaving between cars as he shoots down an alley, pedaling like mad. The police car follows, getting through the cars slower, but picking up speed in the alley. OSZ turns back onto the street at the end of the alley, narrowly missing a Girl Scouts stand selling cookies. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van reaches out and snags a box of Thin Mints.
Angry Girl Scout (shaking fist): Hey! Bring that back, you dickhead!
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (opening box): Score! I’ve really got the munchies.
OSZ (sarcastically): I wonder why.
The police car slides around the corner, nearly hitting the stand as well. The Angry Girl Scout lobs a box of cookies at the car, and they land on the windshield.
Angry Girl Scout: Stupid pigs!
Hard-boiled Detective (leaning out of his window to grab the cookies): Keep driving, we’re not letting those guys get away.
Top Detective: I’m not sure what gets into the minds of kids today. In my day we respected officers of the law. Sure, we called them cops, but we also knew that they were the only thing standing between law & order, and total anarchy.
Hard-boiled Detective (opening the cookies): Tagalongs? Good thing they’re free.
Top Detective: We can come back after we catch those thugs and you can reimburse that little girl. Sure, she may have a foul mouth, but she’s still entitled to fair compensation for her goods.
Hard-boiled Detective (his mouth full of cookies): Mmumph fu.
Ahead of the police car, OSZ is still pedaling hard as Marc Trestmans Windowless Van eats his Thin Mints. Making a hard right, he goes the wrong way down a one-way street, cutting left & right through the oncoming cars.
Top Detective (stopping the car): As if they weren’t in enough trouble. That’s a moving violation if I’ve ever seen one.
Hard-boiled Detective: They’re getting away!
Top Detective: Don’t be so sure. I think I know where they’re going.
Cut to: The DFO clubhouse, several minutes later. OSZ is pedaling slowly now, exhausted, as Marc Trestmans Windowless Van finishes the last Thin Mint.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Man, those hit the spot! Hey, where’s my van, man? I left it parked out front!
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
Covalent Blonde comes out the front door.
Covalent Blonde: About time the two of you got back! What’ve you been doing, shopping for matching dresses?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Naw, man, we were in a big chase, man! With, like, cookies and sirens and…
Covalent Blonde (interrupting): Like I care. Look, we’ve got a situation here. Time to put on your big-boy pants and get to work.
There’s a deep rumbling sound, and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van’s van drives around the corner, Horatio Cornblower in the driver’s seat. Doktor Zymm gets out of the passenger side.
Doktor Zymm: Old School Zero! Gut! Our chances of zuccess have increased to…
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (waving): Hey, Zymm!
Doktor Zymm: Never mind. Ve’re back to 12%.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (running over to his van): Hey, what have you guys been doing with my van? It sounds different.
Doktor Zymm: It is different. Horatio can fill you in on the way.
PK opens the sliding door and Covalent Blonde ushers OSZ and Marc Trestmans Windowless Van inside. Marc Trestmans Windowless Van picks up Otto’s Brain and holds it on his lap as he sits down.
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Hey, Otto!
Otto’s Brain: Marc, it is good to see you again. Old School Zero, it’s been too long.
OSZ (sitting down): Otto…? Holy crap…
Covalent Blonde (getting into the passenger seat): Marc, you knew that was Otto Man?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van (holding Otto’s Brain up): Well, sure…I mean, who else would it be?
Doktor Zymm (standing near the driver’s door): Horatio, you know vat to do, correct?
Horatio Cornblower: I’ve got it, Zymm. I just have to get this thing up to 141.4 kph and the system automatically kicks in, right?
Doktor Zymm: Zat is correct. Now, hurry, Horatio! The future depends on you!
Horatio guns the van, racing it down the empty road and then making a bootlegger reverse. He revs the engine hard, and then tears back up the road.
Covalent Blonde: Hey, just how fast is 141.4 kph in real speed?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Eighty-eight miles per hour, man.
OSZ: Wait, how did you know that?
Marc Trestmans Windowless Van: Like, I’ve seen Back to the Future in European, man.
OSZ: Back to the…wait, just what the heck is going on here?
A green glow suddenly appears around the van as it goes faster. Suddenly, the unmarked police car turns onto the road, just a hundred yards behind the van.
Hard-boiled Detective: Every instinct I’ve got tells me something funny is going on with that van. Hit it!
The police car chases after the van. Both vehicles roar past the clubhouse as Doktor Zymm looks on. Suddenly, in a glowing ball of green enrgy, the van disappears. The police car hurtles forward into the energy and disappears as well.
Doktor Zymm: Vell, zat vas unexpected…
To be continued…
http://38.media.tumblr.com/9667ca4b61fc19e4bac91a65156139b2/tumblr_ntclo5BrC11qzk2apo1_500.gif
OSZ needs to buy one of these when he gets back from the past or future.
or one of these if he’s running from the cops. The outfit will also allow him to go incognito in Portland.
http://www.eclectichorizons.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Seidl_B%C3%BCchner_Tandem-620×462.jpg
Messing with space and time will only lead to more beer thefts.
MTWV is fast becoming my favorite character and that’s saying something considering I’m in this story.
Now if I can borrow Zymm’s time-machine for a bit I will be spending the rest of the day touring colleges in the northeast with the family since the oldest is due to go next year, and I would like to go back in time and make some very different financial decisions, most of which involve the spread of various sporting contests.
Pray for me. Or, if that’s not your thing, crack a beer for me.
I understand Harvard is a school.
One of his friend’s has a full ride to Dartmouth.
I fucking hate that kid.
I also hate the correct use of apostrophes.
Fuck, there’s. Harvard Apostrophe now, too?
Beer-cracking it is!
https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSZfkogrW2B3xfvwaNQA7wfmHmvLhCkR9oAK9NOtWFpLdr0OdjlTw
Ein sechserpackung fur dich
I don’t know German, but “fur dich” means “merkin” right?
Unrelated, and I don’t know why I find this so amusing, but the main IMDB picture for Tiki Barber shows him with his ex-wife.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1580903/?ref_=tt_cl_i2
Whoever set the page up must not like Tiki very much.
SPOILER ALERT: They are going back in time to…BRING BACK MATT! Brilliant!
I still thought they’d go to the future and there’s a knife-fight scene between Old and New School Zero on top of the breeding pits. Or between Old and Young School Zero in the ’80s on top of a mountain of cocaine.
Hopefully, zee Doktor can save Capt. Ufford’s brain from being locked inside the FanDraftDuelKings prison tank.
“Angry Girl Scout: Stupid pigs!”
One can never go wrong by seasoning a story with anarchist girl scouts.
http://mojo.dailybruin.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/cookie-monster-gif.gif
Here’s to the weed from the field, here’s to the beer from the hops, here’s to the Girl Scout underground, and throwing cookies at cops
Anarchist Girl Scout is going to keep me laughing all day. I hope she becomes a reoccurring DFO character.
Oh God, she could be like the dead homeless woman that kept showing up in Sons of Anarchy!
Well, you know OSZ is working with the Irish, right…?
If they travel back to Nazi-occupied France, will PK tell Anne Frank that her house in the future really isn’t anything special?
The chase syncs up perfectly with the song.