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Your College Football Week One Evening Open Thread

ballsofsteelandfury

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Welcome back to Balls’ Saturday Open Thread Madness (trademark pending)!

Because I was born in Mexico and I like bugging Americans that don’t like soccer, here is tonight’s Liga MX schedule (all times Pacific and home teams listed first):

  • 5:00 PM – Tigres UANL v León (Univision, TUDN) (Match of the Round in Liga MX!)
  • 5:00 PM – Pachuca v Atlético San Luis (ESPN Deportes)
  • 7:00 PM – Cruz Azul v Guadalajara (Univision, TUDN)

But we all know what y’all are really hankerin’ for! A battle of “student-athletes” risking life and limb for no money, the slim hope of a future payday, and “free” tattoos and crab legs with no witnesses.

Here are all of the evening’s games being broadcast in the US (all times Eastern):

Norfolk State at Old Dominion | 7 p.m. | ESPN3
Alcorn State at Southern Miss | 7 p.m. | ESPN+
SMU at Arkansas State | 7 p.m. | ESPN+
Illinois State at Northern Illinois | 7 p.m. | ESPN+
Monmouth at Western Michigan | 7 p.m. | ESPN3
Nicholls at Kansas State | 7 p.m. | ESPN+
Stephen F. Austin at Baylor | 7 p.m. | ESPN+
Virginia at Pitt | 7:30 p.m. | ACC Network
No. 16 Auburn vs. No. 11 Oregon (Arlington, TX) | 7:30 p.m. | ABC
Missouri at Wyoming | 7:30 p.m. | CBSSN
Abilene Christian at North Texas | 7:30 p.m. | ESPN+
Miami (OH) at No. 20 Iowa | 7:30 p.m. | FS1
Middle Tennessee at No. 7 Michigan | 7:30 p.m. | Big Ten Network
No. 3 Georgia at Vanderbilt | 7:30 p.m. | SEC Network
Georgia Southern at No. 6 LSU | 7:30 p.m. | ESPNU
Arkansas-Pine Bluff at TCU | 8 p.m. | FSN
Louisiana Tech at No. 10 Texas | 8 p.m. | Longhorn Network
Houston Baptist at UTEP | 8 p.m. | ESPN+
Grambling at UL Monroe | 8 p.m. | ESPN3
Weber State at San Diego State | 9 p.m. | Facebook
New Mexico State at No. 23 Washington State | 10 p.m. | Pac-12 Network
Southern Utah at UNLV | 10 p.m. | MW Network (stream)
Fresno State at Southern California | 10:30 p.m. | ESPN

I discussed earlier how the best viewing options involved Pac 12 teams Oregon and USC. I fully expect both of them to lose. In the meantime, here are some hot cheerleaders to remind you of what games I’ll be watching:

Important pervert notification: you can buy those outfits for your girlfriend at the USC Student Store!
Hey girls! How big are your hoohas again?
Don’t make South Park joke. Don’t make South Park joke.
The one on the left is Trouble with a capital T

Enjoy the games!

(103/69)

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Brick Meathook

*doink*

0
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Five dead, and 20 injured in Texas. Absolute tragedy.

That’s why you don’t give Ezekiel Elliott PCP.

4
Unsurprised

I can’t bring myself to do anything. I’ve been laying about all day. This sucks.

0
Doktor Zymm

It’s 9:21 tomorrow morning, do you know or care where your children are?

0
Senor Weaselo

Shit, I have children?

2
Mr. Ayo

I’ll be on my way to a brunch date, so no and no.

2
Doktor Zymm

Can children be trained to fetch mimosas?

2
Mr. Ayo

My nephew is, so yes.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

This one’s for Brick. Fast forward to the 4:00 mark if you’re high and impatient.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9P0ByxIymYg

1
Mr. Ayo

No sonic boom, no care.

3
Mr. Ayo

I also forgot that upon reaching cruising altitude, to signal the start of drink service, the Concorde would do a ceremonial barrel roll.

3
Brick Meathook

That’s awesome. And I bet that thing can carry some weight, too.

One of these days, somebody is going to load a drone or an RC aircraft with explosives and fly it into a stadium. I bet it happens first at a bitter-rival soccer game in Eastern Europe (they’re already throwing flares at each other).

1
Brick Meathook

Get really high and watch this video. There’s no way this is a real place.

Start at the 6:00 mark if you’re on acid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvIrVg0kBgQ

1
herodotus450

Oh no, Bo Nix is gonna be this year’s Dwayne Haskins. Did you know as kids they were fans of the school they’re currently quarterbacks for? Cause we’re gonna keep telling you, every fucking second of every fucking game.

2
Mr. Ayo

Conference of Champions is BACK!

1
Senor Weaselo

Unrelated to Bill Walton being high as a fucking kite?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ujlors5-nRw

1
Mr. Ayo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdsuQBRFHeY

0
Doktor Zymm

Damn fruit flies wanna drown themselves in my champers

0
Doktor Zymm

After due consideration, my new fake trolling career is: ‘I manufacture Biblical themed marital aids. Our best seller is the “praise the lord and pass the ammunition” herbal Viagra alternative’

3
Doktor Zymm

Although, that could be a winner, I should look into doing this for realsies

3
herodotus450

“Lamb of God”-skin condoms. You’ll last longer and they won’t prevent life aka conception.

4
BallsofLacrosseAndMapleSyrup

So an empty wrapper?

0
Doktor Zymm

Don’t those prevent conception but not the judgement of venereal disease?

1
herodotus450

If Law and Order SVU is to be believed, they don’t do much of anything except look cool.

1
Doktor Zymm

There’s no way that’s true unless they have ‘go faster’ stripes

3
Doktor Zymm

Or possibly speed holes, and maybe that’s the problem

4
herodotus450

Hundreds or thousands of very, very small speed holes.

1
Senor Weaselo

Is this unrelated to the religious-themed toys that Senorita Weaselo’s best friend found trapising the Internet?

0
Doktor Zymm

I’m happy to use those as inspiration for something far more disturbing

1
Senor Weaselo

The best four words from that site: “Baby Jesus Butt Plug.”

0
Gratliff

60 year old ass Arn Anderson just hit a perfect spinebuster in the year of our lord 2019. Hoping he doesn’t die of a heart attack as soon as he gets backstage.

0
King Hippo

YADIER MOLINA comes home with the winning run in the bottom of the 9th, right after fast white guy singled home scrappy white guy to tie it!!!

#BFIB-gasm

0
Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

— Blair Walsh

3
Brick Meathook

BREAKING L.A. NEWS:

SLOW SPEED POLICE CHASE IN POMONA ON CHANNEL 4 !

AERIAL COVERAGE! ! ! BEST TV EVER ! ! !

1
Brick Meathook

NOW HE’S ON THE WEST 10 FREEWAY! HIGH SPEED NOW!

HE’LL BE AT MY HOUSE IN AN HOUR!

4
Unsurprised

WOOOOOOOO!!!!

1
Brick Meathook

Aww, the car chase ended with a pit maneuver then got boring, so NBC4 returned to its coverage of the Texas shootings.

In other strange L.A. television news, there’s a Dodgers game on Channel 5, and I haven’t seen the Dodgers on broadcast TV in years.

What a crazy world we live in.

1
Doktor Zymm

I’m…kinda disappointed you didn’t find the cop radio band to listen in that way

0
Mr. Ayo

SUDDEN CHANGE!

0
King Hippo

BANANACAKES

0
scotchnaut

Just Curious: Why isn’t the state of Oregone pronounced ‘Kentucky’ or ‘West Virginia’?

0
herodotus450

Oregon literally translates to strip mining. So yeah, pretty much KY or WV.

2
King Hippo

the Portland metro area?

0
herodotus450

There’s a Grambling State?

0
King Hippo

methinks is same squadron, re-branded

0
herodotus450

If “Grambling Man” isn’t their fight song they don’t even deserve to be a school.

3
BC Dick

Lord knows I’m a grambling man. The t-shirts sell themselves

4
...

Pee pee poo poo pants.

3
King Hippo

they got their peckers up now, Mizzou is FUCKED

0
King Hippo

SEE???

0
King Hippo

It’s like Mizzou done told ’em they can’t graze they cattle on federal land!!111

0
...

Looks like it.

0
King Hippo

what are your vibes for Bollo del Verdad (ie, Truth Biscuit) this season? A possible Baby Buster-ish Leap Forward?

0
King Hippo

Following up on Herodotus’ BOLD predicion – Gus Malzahn is TOTES getting sacked by Christmas

1
scotchnaut

“No matter what the story. No matter when it occurs. No matter what the evidence says. We’ll be there. And we’ll be reporting that there might just be a second shooter on the loose.”

-CNN

5
...

Every time I look up and see Wyoming’s yellow and brown uniforms I think “pee pee poo poo pants.”

3
ballsofsteelandfury

You should adopt Hawthorn as your AFL team…

0
King Hippo

I have a ML bet on them (+575) after today’s SEC bed-shitting

/also, WY is teh Hippo muthaland

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Considering so many of the opposing players they face will be minorities, I would think that makes sense for the in-state students, kind of the same way that the British troops wore red coats so the blood from injuries they suffered wouldn’t show.

1
King Hippo

Welcome, to Q-anon Field!

0
herodotus450

BOLD prediction: Both of these teams will have 3+ losses by the end of the year.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Oregon and Auburn?

0
herodotus450

Yeah

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Yeah, I could see that.

0
scotchnaut

5 dead, 21 injured in Texas.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5-1nVswz0I

2
WCS

+1 for the Robocop reference

It’s Texas. They probably wear shootings as a badge of honor.

2
Unsurprised

Some Texans probably got hard for the first time in decades when they heard 29 Mexicans got killed in El Paso.

0
King Hippo

was today targeting hispanics as well?

0
Unsurprised

I’m not even going to check. I’m already quite depressed for the day.

0
King Hippo

MSNBC was hinting it earlier, but it was very nebulous

0
ballsofsteelandfury

No, it was a dude trying to get away from cops that went to the mall to evade the cops and ended up in a shootout with cops and bystanders got injured/dead.

1
King Hippo

I guess that’s…good news?

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“See, the idea that Trump’s stochastic terrorism is the cause of these shootings has been totally debunked!”

1
King Hippo

u got that rite libtard, wonder y the mallgoers left they guns at home ,, smgdh

1
Unsurprised

Getting shot by cops because they are incompetent. An American tradition like no other.

2
King Hippo

well, if the ded were WHITE there might as least be a cursory investigation

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“The state of Texas and the Department of Public Safety are working closely with local law enforcement to provide resources as needed and deliver justice for this heinous attack,” Texas Gov. Greg Abbott said in a statement.

“We will not allow the Lone Star State to be overrun by hatred and violence. We will unite, as Texans always do, to respond to this tragedy,” he added. “We offer our unwavering support to the victims, their families, and all the people of Midland and Odessa.”

“What we won’t do,” he didn’t go on to say, “is anything remotely constructive or that could possibly, in any way, even conceivably make the death-worshipping yahoos living in our state remotely concerned that their ability to buy, own, and openly carry around these weapons will be curtailed in even the slightest way.”

5
Unsurprised

“We will not allow the Lone Star State to be overrun by hatred and violence.

Texas is not overrun by hatred and violence. It runs on hatred and violence. It always has and always will It is a shithole par excellence.

1
WCS

LOL UT

0
King Hippo

they hit a Hail Mary with 2 seconds left, or they’d have lost by 15

0
herodotus450

(I’ve been burned before, but not this time.)
(Confidently pronounces Justin Herbert as “A-bear.”)
(Holds head high.)

1
yeah right

Saturday? Three day weekend?
Yep. Let’s blaze.

4
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Way ahead of you…” – LA weather

1
Gratliff

Jim Ross is about 20 years past the point where he should be trusted to be the voice of a new company

1
yeah right

Just finished the live draft for legacy league. Smooth and efficient.

0
Unsurprised

Oh, cool. The one sport even more insufferable than the NFL.

0
WCS

comment image

Neal Brown is undefeated as WVU head coach.

3
King Hippo

I dunno, the SEC Pawwwwwwwllll don’t look so hot, wut say yewwwwww?

0
King Hippo

In this fine matchup between two completely benign squadrons, Hippo is cheering FOAR over 55.5

1
Mr. Ayo

Well, that sequence went well for you.

0
King Hippo

I seriously am around 10% or less on O/U bets, for my career

1
Gratliff

Can confirm

Twitter is my favorite app to interact with wrestling fans, communists, and somehow every single University of Pittsburgh alum

— MLB Insider Dinger (@atf13atf) December 2, 2017

https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js

2
King Hippo

Like the Gay Communist Gun Club, I really struggle to envision how anyone into one isn’t all three. JUST MAKES NO SENSE

0
King Hippo

Wha happen to Oh-ray-GAWNE? Their unis don’t look like they lost a #ShameBet

1
Mr. Ayo

Now that’s Chip is gone they’re allowed to wear black.

4
King Hippo

Just wanted to point out the hilarity of Tennessee losing to (2-10 in 2018) Georgia State. They last lost their opener when I was TEN years old. NC State was the reigning national hoopsball champion.

0
King Hippo

also I am all about Ms. Trouble pictured above

1
ballsofsteelandfury

Right?

1
King Hippo

It would soooooo be worth it to have her sledgehammer my windshield at 3 am

1
scotchnaut

Nerdwestern recovered a fumble and now gets a PI flag! Do your homework, kids!

1
King Hippo

it’s the one possible matchup where Stanford are the dumb jocks

1
scotchnaut

“Less smarter jocks” is the new and approved nomenclature according to Webster’s Urban Diktionary!

/keep up with the times, fella

2
King Hippo

Hippo apologizes to all the dumb jocks he triggered earlier. #SafeSpace

1
King Hippo

dunno if there’s a more predictable offense in footy than VPI’s

0
Redshirt

Northwestern is about be screwed by a stupid ass rule.

0
Redshirt

Nevermind. The tie goes to the runner.

(fumbled ball and arm hit endzone marker at the same time)

0
Horatio Cornblower

South Carolina vs. North Carolina? I see the Illiteracy Bowl comes early this year.

5
...

Winner is declared the true Carolina and gets to go by simply “Carolina” for the next year.

0
Redshirt

Loser goes back to Virginia (if NC) or Georgia (if SC).

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

No, loser gets hit by Dorian.

1
scotchnaut

N.C. Spolling Bea Contesticle: “What were how ya yuze Malittricity in a sertanze?”

N.C. Spolling Bea Jurj: “Sentanze? Dern’t try to liminate me with yer big werds!”

3
herodotus450

Wait they made Ryan Leaf do the Tennessee game? I hope it was part of his rehab program or else that’s just unnecessarily cruel and unusual.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Made him? No, no, no. He volunteered.

/get it?

1
BC Dick

Before anyone gets all righteous about it with NFL cut day here; Colin Kaepernick is a bad quarterback. Dude got benched for Blane Gabbert. Can’t throw outside the numbers and runs any time his first read is covered. Play zone and gap control on the line and he’s all out of options. Good self-promoter though.

0
scotchnaut

You can say anything you want about his stats or who replaced him but if there were no stigma around him, as a QB that went on a run and led his team to the 2013 NFC Championship Game, he’d, at the very least, have an invite to at least one NFL camp over the last whatever years. Apparently there’s not a single GM out there that wants to take a flyer on this guy. Weird.

5
BC Dick

Not at his asking price. He’s a backup asking for starter money. I don’t think he led any team anywhere. That defence took them and he was along for the ride. Defining moment with the game on the line against Baltimore in the big game he panicked on the seven yard line and ran straight into his offensive line to end it. He’s not worth paying with no upside. He’s a college QB with a big ego and he’s trying to make money.

0
Horatio Cornblower

You’re right. Nathan Peterman is a much better option.

0
BC Dick

At the league minimum or whatever he made, yes. Same reason Tim Tebow didn’t last. He’s just not good enough once NFL coordinators figure him out. I’d also ask you to name a good quarterback who’s been replaced by Blane Gabbert.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Glane Babbert?

1
BC Dick

That’s confusing me greatly right now. I think o just caught dyslexia cause I can’t be sure what’s actually there. I also just thought that if Brady or Wilson or Roethlisberger, etc. went 0 for 30 in a game, they’d still start the next week. He was never that kind of guy.

0
Redshirt

Agreed. Like Tim Tebow after NY Jets, he earned the right to succeed or fail.

Personally, I disagree with how he presented and defended his arguments. I don’t disagree with arguments, however.

The real asshole in this thing is Goodell. He should’ve gotten involved not to stop his protests, but ask if he could discontinue them since it was causing a schism in the NFL fanbase in return to the league swearing to assist in any charitable outreach in expressing his views. Goodell did nothing. Fans got divided to the point where some people quit watching. And now Kaepernick is radioactively untouchable.

1
Unsurprised

Fuck the fans.

1
BC Dick

I think Kaepernick had his chance and failed. So did Osweiler and eventually Cousins. The difference is those two guys can run a pro offence while Colin is better suited to play for navy. The bears gave him a shot I think and he was just another guy. His arguments are valid but I think without the politics he’d be regarded as what he is as a player, which I think is not that great for an nfl quarterback. If I want to win football games I don’t want a QB who can’t throw the ball accurately or read a defence. Fuck his beliefs, win some football games and he’d still be playing.

0
Gratliff

3 years, $84 mililon
comment image

3
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4 years, $72 million
comment image

2
Unsurprised

Fuck the NFL. I hope all the owners and GMs die in a sex slave factory explosion.

1
BC Dick

I’d like to visit this sex slave factory of which you speak. My current sex slave supplier isn’t keeping up with demand.

1
scotchnaut

According to CNN there’s another shooting in Texas GOING ON RIGHT NOW!

0
herodotus450

But they don’t play Oklahoma for at least six weeks.

2
King Hippo

Kill shot on the Stanford QB, yikes

0
Mr. Ayo

PSA: When you own an NFL team, don’t let the front office do transactions without a GM.

0
herodotus450

Counter PSA: If you own an NFL team, you can pretty much do whatever the fuck you want and nothing will ever happen to you.

2
Mr. Ayo

comment image

7
Senor Weaselo

Yanks walk off from La Machine.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-Mpp2DQsts

0
Horatio Cornblower

4 HRs, 4 runs.

With that kind of ratio I don’t see why the other teams are even gonna bother trying to win the World Series.

1
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