Let’s do some games…
Atl @ Dal: Cowboys QB play should be wince-ertaining. Wouldn’t it be great if Dez threw a tantrum while watching from the sidelines? Falcons CB Trufant should take Williams out of the game leaving Potden with…Dunbar out of the backfield? Witten might be able to do something I guess. The other JJ, the one that doesn’t embarrass himself on a near weekly basis, Julio Jones, just keeps rolling along.
Ind @ Ten: This is where the Colts O busts out, right? They did play against two above average D’s (Bills, Jets)- not that that should be an excuse but I thought Luck was better than that. Mariotta has thrown 6 TD’s with no picks at this point but hey, it’s early. There’s plenty of time to come back down to earth.
Cle @ Oak: The Raiders showed some moxy last week, transferring their impending loss over to the Ravens with only seconds to spare. Now they’re off to see the wizard, uh, Browns. Oakland has lost 19 of their last 20 road games which is impressive and not surprising simultaneously. Browns are down to just 3 DB’s-Pierre Desir (no relation to Pierre Garcon) is to play opposite Haden. At QB McCown is up to bat.
Cin @ Bal: Bengals are 2-0? How’d that get past me? Oh yeah, I don’t care. Surprisingly it’s Eifert leading the team in receiving but I’ve no doubt that Green will speed by soon. Perhaps as early as today. The Ravens #1 corner, Jimmy Smith has given up 10 catches on 16 targets for 141 yards. That’s not what a shutdown gets paid for. Flacco’s buddies in the passing game not named Smith include the likes of Kamar Aiken and Crockett Gillmore. If that’s the case I’m leaning towards Cincy in this one.
Jax @ NE: I hate New England-just putting that out there. That said, this game is a foregone conclusion and the Pats will be 3-0 because there is so much evil in the world.
NO @ Car: Use the running game, Luke! That thing featuring Ingram and Spiller? That one that’s mediocre at best? Yeah, that one. Kuechly is out again but NO is a fat mess right now so it doesn’t much matter. Carolina rolls easy here.
Phi @ NYJ: Philly needs this one desperately and may be without Murray’s complete lack of production. That Kiko Alonso trade has paid huge dividends [makes wanking motion] He’s out after making 7 tackles in two games. Could we see Geno? Probably not but we may not see Decker, Revis and Ivory either. The Jets have forced 10 TO’s in the last two weeks! All hail the Jets DC who is…Kacy Rodgers? Never heard of the guy.
TB @ Hou: This is the sort of game that the average football fan, realizing it’s his only option, would say to himself, “TB/Houston? What did I do to deserve this? [pauses for a moment] Actually, perhaps I should stop masturbating to mental images of that cashier at the drug store that I think might be 18 or so. It’s so hard to tell these days.”
SD @ Min: Covered by Yeah Right.
Pit @ StL: Not sure what to make of this game. The Rams should be able to get after Ben and put pressure on the potent passing game but Bell is back and should have a big one. Gurley is scheduled to play but it sounds like he is hobbled. Hmm. I’ll take the Steelers wearing down the StL D and pulling away in the 4th.
Like Joseph Randle, the art of tackling eludes the Falcons.
TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run that fucking ball!
Whooo! Randle!
So my choices are Panthers versus Saints or Rams literally self immolating.
Randle has mall cop speed
And for my first sign that I paid no attention during the offseason, Zac Stacy is returning kicks in New York now?
why would ATL expect teh run?
MUST STOP TEH DOOPY PANTZ
Weeden is a no-soul? This keeps getting better and better.
This week could be very bad.
Can’t imagine STL is going to bother repairing that burnt turf since, you know, this is their last season in that stadium.
Alright, who’s ready to lose money on fanduel or draftkings today.
/cooks up
//ties off
RRRRRREEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/15/154834/2319948-trainspotting_renton.jpg
I CHOOSE (football) HEROIN.
ALL HAIL THE BRANDON WEEDEN ERA
All 30 minutes of it.
Have tried really hard to break down the GF’s expectations of going to the SF at ARI game with me today but she’s been resilient. I went ahead and got a parking pass for $10 on Craigslist to avoid the $100 in Uber fees. First big challenge, after parking, is going to be finding us a tailgate to crash. I think I’ll just slam a bunch of booze when we get parked to get my social skills up. I also brought whiskey as an offering, per recommendations.
Adrian Wilson, NC State! Steve Keim, badass GM. Also NC State!!
If I see someone in NC State gear, I’m gonna use this fun fact to bond!
Go off already NFL Fantasy Live! I want to see the Redzone countdown clock!
Oh great, Brandon Flowers is suddenly out today. Well, there goes our chances to win.
Oh my God. Where’s my radio?! I don’t want to listen the TV commentators! NO! NO NO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Doesn’t Joe Buck have some baseball to do? Go away fucker!
Baseball fans: We don’t want him either!
This can’t be +1’ed enough.
+Ape?
http://safr.kingfeatures.com/idn/cnfeed/zone/js/content.php?file=aHR0cDovL3NhZnIua2luZ2ZlYXR1cmVzLmNvbS9IaUFuZExvaXMvMjAxNS8wOS9IaV9hbmRfTG9pc19ocy4yMDE1MDkyN185MDAuZ2lm
I’m just assuming that’s My Little Pony bukkake?
It was today’s Hi and Lois comic that had a priest giving a football prayer, but because you asked for it:
http://i.imgur.com/VI58ScD.jpg
If the URL doesn’t end in .jpg or .gif it won’t post.
http://joshreads.com/images/15/07/i150729marktrail.jpg
So who’s the new shitty comedian that NFL on Fox has now?
I need MOAR OPIATES to get me through this late slate and the pending Donks bedshitting.
Does anyone have any that you want to drive to North Cakalaky? I will buy you REALLY GOOD bourbon when teh ABC store re-opens Monday morning!
Oh, I don’t know, babe. I would have thought the skullfucking that NC State laid upon Southern Alabama would have left enough endorphins rocketing through your body to make this easier.
I guess you and Fou no up fo 80-hour road trip?
Yeah, shitting all over BASTARD PIG DOGS USA was glorious. And hey, Cal won on the road! In conference!! How cool is that shizzle?
NC State’s offense REALLY looks good. Even factoring out the quality of the opponent. Jacoby Brissett is gonna make some GM very, very happy.
http://i.imgur.com/vQKX1pM.gifv
Hey everybody! Instead of having to read all of you mock the Jets today, I’m gonna be real, live people to do it for me (possibly including my new neighbors, whose eyes glazed over when I said “football,” but amazingly perked right back up when I said “heavy drinking will be involved.” These are my kind of people). So, having actual humans nearby on a Sunday means I don’t get to sit in a corner and type all afternoon, but I’m planning on returning for the late slate, and provided I don’t crash from alcohol poisoning, may even make the Sunday Night NFL Shitshow.
And if it’s not too much to ask, root for the goddamn Jets. Someone has to take down the Patriots, and if they start believing in themselves, well, this plucky little band of misfits might just do it.
(Yes I’m still drunk from last night. Why do you ask?)
Nice legs sexy garrett
http://40.media.tumblr.com/32bc4c7399b980058e02271138c01879/tumblr_nv6ghntE161ubfgh6o1_250.jpg
I’m a Jaguars fan, and I’m running through a gamut of emotions. I just want them to cheap shot everyone. It’s a win if Brady never plays again.
There’s nothing remarkable about the Jags. They’re never going to be good. Why can’t they be dirty?
They need some sort of identity, right?
How are things in London today?
http://40.media.tumblr.com/98b75cc955236cc9a740336f747db2e4/tumblr_ntx3v7hpy81udwrnqo1_400.jpg
97% of Ph.D climate scientists say that climate change is an existential threat?
/dismissive wanking motion
Some church guy without a minute of formal scientific training says it?
http://38.media.tumblr.com/08840a49fba419bf6b93430b841fa959/tumblr_n3jhejdvcV1sj03l5o1_400.gif
Sometimes I’m amazed we’ve gotten as far as we have.
We got by the same way Democracy did: by being the best of the worst.
#WellActually
Dude has an advanced degree in Chemistry.
Your not aloud to say that unless your talkin about Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals.
/sobs about Carlos Martinez yet again
Says he has a secondary diploma.
WE’RE BOTH WRONG
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Francis
We all know that science is for heathens and non-umurricuns, now get out there and make this country great!
Kurt Warner’s a pretty good analyst. When he sticks to footbaw. NAWT politics, and CERTAINLY NAWT teh science.
His ideas on grocery bagging are woefully out of date. The age of the insulated bag is here Kurt, join us! Keep your fish at temperature!
Lady: Hey Mark, how you doin’?
Mark: Bitch I got Shingles! How do you think I’m doin’!?
http://i.imgur.com/Wbn0mVE.gif
Hippo: They will give you opiates for shingles ,, ppl forget that
hey guys
sup
im cooking ribs today
yo
flank steak here
http://36.media.tumblr.com/30ab2c30f3632c351ee42e59d1ebf153/tumblr_nv6ql09GIz1ubfgh6o1_540.jpg
http://40.media.tumblr.com/f949f5662fe8cf7ac6792a687fb8e4ab/tumblr_nuj1b3mUnz1snghrzo2_r1_1280.jpg
Fuck you Ford! You killed “Stand by Me”! Fuck you!
Which offensive Cowboy player gets hurt today? Place your bets
http://40.media.tumblr.com/6178512f4a0923c442f22628fd2b8f65/tumblr_nv7ftfMLPV1s9bqq4o1_500.jpg
Only Aloe Blacc could ruin an Antonio Brown highlight reel.
http://i.imgur.com/UyeflRU.png
http://33.media.tumblr.com/640c7796f9babaeac0ddee0b4efdfbaa/tumblr_nlyqwyXMDI1tezjkso1_400.gif
Pffft. Romo would have had the visor backwards AND upside-down. UNCOOL WEEDEN! (ps please don’t suck today)
/pours bourbon
Brandon Weeden is going to go America on everyone’s asses.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne3anValqUI
Pete Seeger
Scotchy, your nugget encouraged me to forsake my trusty decisionmaking coin and start Crabtree ahead of Ted Ginn (yes, I’m 0-2, why do you ask??) at my flex. God help me.
Deck chairs and the Titanic gots nothin’ on me. Hippo, OUT!!
I despise Ginn so I’ve got your back no matter what happens.
/Gin, however…
This guy? Geno Smith? I call him Samson because he looked down and found a jaw bone.
Are you implying that Geno is an ass?
It was just sitting there for the taking.
Did he kill 1000 Philistines with it?
AKA Jets fans hope.
Morning everyone. Go Weeden!…….FML.
More like mourning, AMIRITE?!? This game (season) is going to suck … isn’t it?
Holy shit, is that Mike Ditka I hear, or Lou Holtz!?
Woody’s first acolyte.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne3anValqUI
Running cock.
http://41.media.tumblr.com/bcd911982c60d42a3ba8c35fc190fa7b/tumblr_ntjm5ePFLW1usuijfo1_1280.jpg
Ditto.
http://mobile.gannett-cdn.com/-mm-/e408f07a7632b33a1c2d396b05cc029191d23a27/r=x483&c=640×480/local/-/media/USATODAY/GenericImages/2013/06/24/1372097084000-adrian-peterson-helmet-1306241407_4_3.jpg
http://33.media.tumblr.com/86fc763f4116db66b4964d4f1b53b404/tumblr_nv6ziq2fTD1sjtac3o1_1280.gif
Last minute fantasy advice: even though lynch is playing, should I bench him for Stewart, johnson from Arizona, or freeman from atl?
Brace yourselves, the Steelers are wearing their throwbacks.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ODEAkXybGvk/UxdCqHArdaI/AAAAAAAAuZg/cgCCSXIchsE/s1600/MY+EYES.gif
(Checks schedule)
Never mind, false alarm!
http://hopes-and-dreams.net/img/belushi-kingbee.gif
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bK2ygWQ6ag
Sunday morning music from 1964.
Sunday morning gospel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eOnsF6QIB7s
I didn’t know Sergeant Hatred was a Cowboys fan.
More llike “Sergeant Hates Himself But Doesn’t Know It”, amirite?
I know ole spray tan is active, but I’m benching him in favor of CJ Spiller and Tiny Darren. Just how bad at fantasy football does that make me?
Still better than ol’ Porky.