Your Early Slate O’ Games Open Thread

Let’s do some games…

Atl @ Dal: Cowboys QB play should be wince-ertaining. Wouldn’t it be great if Dez threw a tantrum while watching from the sidelines? Falcons CB Trufant should take Williams out of the game leaving Potden with…Dunbar out of the backfield? Witten might be able to do something I guess. The other JJ, the one that doesn’t embarrass himself on a near weekly basis, Julio Jones, just keeps rolling along.

Ind @ Ten: This is where the Colts O busts out, right? They did play against two above average D’s (Bills, Jets)- not that that should be an excuse but I thought Luck was better than that. Mariotta has thrown 6 TD’s with no picks at this point but hey, it’s early. There’s plenty of time to come back down  to earth.

Cle @ Oak: The Raiders showed some moxy last week, transferring their impending loss over to the Ravens with only seconds to spare. Now they’re off to see the wizard, uh, Browns. Oakland has lost 19 of their last 20 road games which is impressive and not surprising simultaneously. Browns are down to just 3 DB’s-Pierre Desir (no relation to Pierre Garcon) is to play opposite Haden. At QB McCown is up to bat.

Cin @ Bal: Bengals are 2-0? How’d that get past me? Oh yeah, I don’t care. Surprisingly it’s Eifert leading the team in receiving but I’ve no doubt that Green will speed by soon. Perhaps as early as today. The Ravens #1 corner, Jimmy Smith has given up 10 catches on 16 targets for 141 yards. That’s not what a shutdown gets paid for. Flacco’s buddies in the passing game not named Smith include the likes of Kamar Aiken and Crockett Gillmore. If that’s the case I’m leaning towards Cincy in this one.

Jax @ NE: I hate New England-just putting that out there. That said, this game is a foregone conclusion and the Pats will be 3-0 because there is so much evil in the world.

NO @ Car: Use the running game, Luke! That thing featuring Ingram and Spiller? That one that’s mediocre at best? Yeah, that one. Kuechly is out again but NO is a fat mess right now so it doesn’t much matter. Carolina rolls easy here.

Phi @ NYJ: Philly needs this one desperately and may be without Murray’s complete lack of production. That Kiko Alonso trade has paid huge dividends [makes wanking motion] He’s out after making 7 tackles in two games. Could we see Geno? Probably not but we may not see Decker, Revis and Ivory either. The Jets have forced 10 TO’s in the last two weeks! All hail the Jets DC who is…Kacy Rodgers? Never heard of the guy.

TB @ Hou: This is the sort of game that the average football fan, realizing it’s his only option, would say to himself, “TB/Houston? What did I do to deserve this? [pauses for a moment] Actually, perhaps I should stop masturbating to mental images of that cashier at the drug store that I think might be 18 or so. It’s so hard to tell these days.”

SD @ Min: Covered by Yeah Right.

Pit @ StL: Not sure what to make of this game. The Rams should be able to get after Ben and put pressure on the potent passing game but Bell is back and should have a big one. Gurley is scheduled to play but it sounds like he is hobbled. Hmm. I’ll take the Steelers wearing down the StL D and pulling away in the 4th.

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Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Like Joseph Randle, the art of tackling eludes the Falcons.

Spur

TD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Run that fucking ball!

JustStopDude

So my choices are Panthers versus Saints or Rams literally self immolating.

Spur

Randle has mall cop speed

Gratliff

And for my first sign that I paid no attention during the offseason, Zac Stacy is returning kicks in New York now?

King Hippo

why would ATL expect teh run?

MUST STOP TEH DOOPY PANTZ

Gratliff

This week could be very bad.

blaxabbath

Can’t imagine STL is going to bother repairing that burnt turf since, you know, this is their last season in that stadium.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Alright, who’s ready to lose money on fanduel or draftkings today.

Sill Bimmons

/cooks up
//ties off
RRRRRREEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDZZZZZZZZZZZOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

http://static.giantbomb.com/uploads/original/15/154834/2319948-trainspotting_renton.jpg

King Hippo

I CHOOSE (football) HEROIN.

Spur

ALL HAIL THE BRANDON WEEDEN ERA

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

All 30 minutes of it.

blaxabbath

Have tried really hard to break down the GF’s expectations of going to the SF at ARI game with me today but she’s been resilient. I went ahead and got a parking pass for $10 on Craigslist to avoid the $100 in Uber fees. First big challenge, after parking, is going to be finding us a tailgate to crash. I think I’ll just slam a bunch of booze when we get parked to get my social skills up. I also brought whiskey as an offering, per recommendations.

King Hippo

Adrian Wilson, NC State! Steve Keim, badass GM. Also NC State!!

blaxabbath

If I see someone in NC State gear, I’m gonna use this fun fact to bond!

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Go off already NFL Fantasy Live! I want to see the Redzone countdown clock!

Old School Zero

Oh great, Brandon Flowers is suddenly out today. Well, there goes our chances to win.

Redshirt

Oh my God. Where’s my radio?! I don’t want to listen the TV commentators! NO! NO NO! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Spur

Doesn’t Joe Buck have some baseball to do? Go away fucker!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Baseball fans: We don’t want him either!

Redshirt

+Ape?

King Hippo

I’m just assuming that’s My Little Pony bukkake?

Redshirt

It was today’s Hi and Lois comic that had a priest giving a football prayer, but because you asked for it:

http://i.imgur.com/VI58ScD.jpg

Sill Bimmons

If the URL doesn’t end in .jpg or .gif it won’t post.

blordinaryfagicmox
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

So who’s the new shitty comedian that NFL on Fox has now?

King Hippo

I need MOAR OPIATES to get me through this late slate and the pending Donks bedshitting.

Does anyone have any that you want to drive to North Cakalaky? I will buy you REALLY GOOD bourbon when teh ABC store re-opens Monday morning!

Covalent Blonde

Oh, I don’t know, babe. I would have thought the skullfucking that NC State laid upon Southern Alabama would have left enough endorphins rocketing through your body to make this easier.

King Hippo

I guess you and Fou no up fo 80-hour road trip?

Yeah, shitting all over BASTARD PIG DOGS USA was glorious. And hey, Cal won on the road! In conference!! How cool is that shizzle?

NC State’s offense REALLY looks good. Even factoring out the quality of the opponent. Jacoby Brissett is gonna make some GM very, very happy.

Spur
entropy

Hey everybody! Instead of having to read all of you mock the Jets today, I’m gonna be real, live people to do it for me (possibly including my new neighbors, whose eyes glazed over when I said “football,” but amazingly perked right back up when I said “heavy drinking will be involved.” These are my kind of people). So, having actual humans nearby on a Sunday means I don’t get to sit in a corner and type all afternoon, but I’m planning on returning for the late slate, and provided I don’t crash from alcohol poisoning, may even make the Sunday Night NFL Shitshow.

And if it’s not too much to ask, root for the goddamn Jets. Someone has to take down the Patriots, and if they start believing in themselves, well, this plucky little band of misfits might just do it.

(Yes I’m still drunk from last night. Why do you ask?)

Spur

Nice legs sexy garrett

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Kungjitsu

I’m a Jaguars fan, and I’m running through a gamut of emotions. I just want them to cheap shot everyone. It’s a win if Brady never plays again.

There’s nothing remarkable about the Jags. They’re never going to be good. Why can’t they be dirty?

Sill Bimmons

comment image

blaxabbath

How are things in London today?

Sill Bimmons

97% of Ph.D climate scientists say that climate change is an existential threat?

/dismissive wanking motion

Some church guy without a minute of formal scientific training says it?

http://38.media.tumblr.com/08840a49fba419bf6b93430b841fa959/tumblr_n3jhejdvcV1sj03l5o1_400.gif

Sometimes I’m amazed we’ve gotten as far as we have.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

We got by the same way Democracy did: by being the best of the worst.

Kungjitsu

#WellActually

Dude has an advanced degree in Chemistry.

King Hippo

Your not aloud to say that unless your talkin about Most Glorious Baseball Cardinals.

/sobs about Carlos Martinez yet again

Sill Bimmons

Says he has a secondary diploma.

WE’RE BOTH WRONG

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pope_Francis

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

We all know that science is for heathens and non-umurricuns, now get out there and make this country great!

King Hippo

Kurt Warner’s a pretty good analyst. When he sticks to footbaw. NAWT politics, and CERTAINLY NAWT teh science.

blordinaryfagicmox

His ideas on grocery bagging are woefully out of date. The age of the insulated bag is here Kurt, join us! Keep your fish at temperature!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Lady: Hey Mark, how you doin’?
Mark: Bitch I got Shingles! How do you think I’m doin’!?

Sill Bimmons
King Hippo

Hippo: They will give you opiates for shingles ,, ppl forget that

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Spanky Datass

sup

im cooking ribs today

Sill Bimmons

yo

flank steak here

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Fuck you Ford! You killed “Stand by Me”! Fuck you!

Spur

Which offensive Cowboy player gets hurt today? Place your bets

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Only Aloe Blacc could ruin an Antonio Brown highlight reel.

Spur
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Spanky Datass

Pffft. Romo would have had the visor backwards AND upside-down. UNCOOL WEEDEN! (ps please don’t suck today)
/pours bourbon

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Brandon Weeden is going to go America on everyone’s asses.

nomonkeyfun
King Hippo

Scotchy, your nugget encouraged me to forsake my trusty decisionmaking coin and start Crabtree ahead of Ted Ginn (yes, I’m 0-2, why do you ask??) at my flex. God help me.

Deck chairs and the Titanic gots nothin’ on me. Hippo, OUT!!

laserguru

This guy? Geno Smith? I call him Samson because he looked down and found a jaw bone.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Are you implying that Geno is an ass?

laserguru

It was just sitting there for the taking.

Sill Bimmons

Did he kill 1000 Philistines with it?

laserguru

AKA Jets fans hope.

Spur

Morning everyone. Go Weeden!…….FML.

Spanky Datass

More like mourning, AMIRITE?!? This game (season) is going to suck … isn’t it?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Holy shit, is that Mike Ditka I hear, or Lou Holtz!?

nomonkeyfun
Brocky

Last minute fantasy advice: even though lynch is playing, should I bench him for Stewart, johnson from Arizona, or freeman from atl?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Brace yourselves, the Steelers are wearing their throwbacks.
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ODEAkXybGvk/UxdCqHArdaI/AAAAAAAAuZg/cgCCSXIchsE/s1600/MY+EYES.gif

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

(Checks schedule)
Never mind, false alarm!

Porky Prime
nomonkeyfun

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bK2ygWQ6ag

Sunday morning music from 1964.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

I didn’t know Sergeant Hatred was a Cowboys fan.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I know ole spray tan is active, but I’m benching him in favor of CJ Spiller and Tiny Darren. Just how bad at fantasy football does that make me?

Porky Prime

Still better than ol’ Porky.

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