Your Monday, Not At All Funday Open Thread

Your job sucks, the apartment/house is a mess but you don’t feel like cleaning , the kids/dog/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend is/are howling at you-you need some peace, don’t you? Well here comes good old football to fill the void that family and loved ones can’t. Now just pull up your Chevy Silverado to the old TV, crack open a Bud Lite, and get face deep into a bag of Doritos while you wait for the Papa Johns to arrive. All better? All better. Now remember this feeling tomorrow morning when you get that twitch that tells you to plow into that damn crossing guard. GOD, Could She Take Any Longer To Walk Halfway Out Onto The Road And Back?

KC @ GB: She’s gonna be a sloppy one tonight folks. I checked the weather for the area and it’s 72 degrees but it feels like, ah, 72. There’s a 100% chance of rainy days and Mondays getting you down, as a skeleton once chirped. Here’s something to wrap your noodle around-Smith is only 4 yds behind Rodgers in passing yards. Rodgers pulls way ahead in overall charisma and endorsements though. The Packers rush D is a bit confused these days-they gave 141 yards to Forte but only 41 to Marshawn. JC will end up somewhere in the middle with some receiving yards to boot. Lacy and Davante Adams are listed as probable and if you tune in you can say that you were there when the WR TD drought ended because the Chiefs listed Kelce at the position. IT WAS THE ONLY WAY IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN. Andy Reid is chewing the fat right now, trying to figure out what to do with CB Jamell Fleming. QB’s that pass on Fleming have a 111 rating. Guess where Rodgers is going to focus his energies? Hopefully, Justin Houston will get some pressure on Rodgers. Who the heck is Houston? He’s the guy that isn’t JJ Watt because the former actually led the league in sacks last year. The knowledge-I dropped it on you.

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JustStopDude

Ever get out of the shower…all fresh and clean…and realize you got to take a shit?

Every time I see Alex Smith play, I get the same feeling as that.

Old School Zero

Yeah. It goes ‘shit, shower, and shave’ in that order for a reason.

Do you think Andy’s ever been tempted to gnaw on one those cheesehead hats?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I thought we discussed overly sexy banner pics, scotchy.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I do love redheads…

The Maestro

+1

makeitsnowondem

We’ve progressed all the way to calling pick plays during the play-by-play. Pick plays have become the driving-around-with-pills-and-cash of on-field infractions.

MikeWallaceAndGromit

Do as Irsay, not as I do.

JustStopDude

Turning into a bit of a one sided affair…

http://static.fjcdn.com/gifs/Worlds_a0ae05_2040712.gif

Sill Bimmons

“Of all the guys I could have accidentally hit in the face I had to pick Russian Jason Statham!”

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

THIS GUY AARON RODGERS, I CALL HIM JOHN CHIVINGTON, BECAUSE HE’S MASSACRING THE CHIEFS!

Doktor Zymm

At least if this ends up as a blowout I can go to bed early…right?

Sill Bimmons

If you really aren’t Trevor, 16, from Des Moines, then yes.

You’re an adult, you can do whatever you want!

King Hippo

As an old person, I often secretly kind of root for that.

Though I am stuck waiting up for teh fantasy this week.

Sill Bimmons

All I need is 2 TDs and 100 yards from Kelce and Maclin to get hit with a cattle prod.

blordinaryfagicmox

I have such little faith in Alex Smith and the Reidster that I benched both of them after only two weeks.

Sill Bimmons

You’re a wiser Commentist than I.

blaxabbath

Also, I was listening to the pre game show on my way home and they were interviewing Brady. Last question was some for-fun style quip that asked him, if he could be any other pro athlete, he would Tom like to be? Brady laughs and brushes it off with the canned response of admiring so many players and being inspired by so many athletes growing up — then NAMES BARRY BONDS AS AN ATHLETE HE LOOKS UP TO!

He’s trolling, right?

Sill Bimmons

I doubt it.

Lack of self-awareness loves company.

Col. Duke LaCross

The man has no soul.

King Hippo

He really believes that “they hate us because they ain’t us” tripe.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

In his defense, he’s a Bay Area guy and I believe he and Bonds went to the same high school.

JustStopDude

Honestly…I would get into so much fucking trouble if I was an athlete. I would never be able to stand the media or the fans.

blordinaryfagicmox

Lots of guys took steroidts,,, only one broke Hank Arons record pple forgt that.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Dontari Poe, is that his real name or his stripper name?

Infinite Jets

Just remembered this is a battle of Class of ’05 QB’s. Others from that year include Kyle Orton, Jason Campbell, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Matt Cassel, Horse Balls Anderson and Dan Orlovsky. The latter two I was stunned to learn are still in the league.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

That’s a battle in the same way that Fort Pillow was.

blaxabbath

Well shit. Then I guess our FF group truly isn’t the Worst. League. Ever.

Shogun Marcus

That’s two weeks where Rodgers has had to tell the refs to throw a flag and why.

King Hippo

It’s nice when they are good listeners.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

He’s old enough to earn them.

Old School Zero

He’s old enough to do that.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I don’t like seeing a red ass on TV unless my slave and I are watching bondage pay-per-view.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Gee Gruden, it’s almost like Rodger is running some kind of offense that stretches the field horizontally. What’s it called again?

blaxabbath

I gotta cook dinner but don’t feel like standing/going to the store. Would like to phone it in but if Jenny goes in tomorrow and talks about how I didn’t have a hot meal ready when she got back from her shift, I’m gonna get #nursesunite-ed.

Chicken parm?

The Maestro

Can never go wrong with chicken parm. Even if the food’s mediocre, a big glass of wine and the fact she didn’t have to make it will do wonders for you.

Doktor Zymm

Random stuff casserole.

blaxabbath

The food will be mediocre, this is can guarantee.

Doktor Zymm

Or stir fry

Sill Bimmons

Is Jenny’s number 867-5309?

blordinaryfagicmox
Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Jon Gruden obviously has never heard of Don Hutson.

King Hippo

Man, I really wanna take the Raiders in Survivor this week. On the road.

blaxabbath

Just saw the Vine of the TD play. That could have been a nice end to Rogers’ season.

Old School Zero

I sent this in to BDD funbag, but suppose GB and NE are both still undefeated later into the season (say, week 10 or 11), how much would the NFL Brass pull strings to get them both to BIG DEAL SUPER BOWL 50 undefeated so that they could end their BIG GOLD SEASON with a 19-0 champ guaranteed?

King Hippo

Can I just kill myself now?

blordinaryfagicmox

Well, despite what it says in the ad, you DO usually have to pay extra for a Big Golden Season.

Doktor Zymm

I think I’m gonna use Fry’s dad’s special eggnog recipe : Bourbon and ice cubes

King Hippo

Shoulda started Ty over Jones. Still, 1 RodgersDOWN, 2-3 more to go and we’uns in business.

KelceDOWNs would also suffice but I am skeptical.

Infinite Jets

Hey guys. Not sure if it’s been discussed here yet this season but we’re all in agreement that in those DraftKings commercials Edward Norton is playing the same narrator from Fight Club that came full-circle and embraces shallow consumerism once again, right?

Mother Puncher

“Reminds me of Joe Montana. You know, the guy who played for the 49ers.”

JustStopDude

https://youtu.be/9Lge2_H_8IQ

Doctor….doctor….doctor…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Nice to see Chiefs are keeping the no wide receiver touchdown catch streak going, and Green Bay is keeping the no black people in our city except for our team’s players streak alive too.

Good evening you beautiful bitches.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

That’s not true about Green Bay. The black players stay in Milwaukee.

Shogun Marcus

If that were true, we’d have no players. You seen the murder rate we’re running? I’ve lived in both. You’d much rather live in gb, even with the faults.

Old School Zero
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I keep my slave in wonderful condition, btw.

King Hippo

Seconded!

Best Lesbian Softball Team Manager EVAR

Sill Bimmons

Bucs baserunning has been comical.

They should be up at least 2-0.

Sill Bimmons

So we’re telling each other where to comment now?

Don’t think so.

nomonkeyfun

Of course Sill knows what jokes are. He roots for the Pirates.

The Maestro

Should get Papelbon to choke the runners out. That’ll solve the probem.

Old School Zero

Warstenier Oktoberfest. Mmmmm, bread.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Nice of McCarthy to remember that Cobb exists.

The Maestro

Jared Allen and now Jon Bostic gone from the Bears’ D. I’d call this a firesale, but apparently that has poor connotations in Chicago.

Sill Bimmons

Taxi?

Moonbatting Average

I’m taking Elton John, Freddie Mercury, Liberace, George Michael, Men on Film, and Elizabeth II this week in Draft Queens. You fuckers are TOAST.

Sill Bimmons

I’m taking Elvis, B.B., Rodney, Stephen and Edward I in my Kings draft.

King Hippo

LORD PALMERSTON!!!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

And you forgot me?

I’m below two straight blacks pretending to be gays? Don’t make me marry Arianna Huffington, honey!

Doktor Zymm

Ahh. Home. Shoes off, bra off, pants off. Game on projector, haven’t missed anything. Now for the million dollar question. Manhattan, Martini, or other?

litre_cola

4 LOKO you are going to need it.

nomonkeyfun

Yes.

Old School Zero

I just saw a recipe for a martini where you go half/half vermouth/absinthe instead of the normal vermouth amount. Gonna make me one of those soon.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Whiskey Sour, hold the sour

Shogun Marcus

You’re the doctor. Physician, know and heal thyself.

Sill Bimmons

Stoli and soda.

No ice, no soda.

King Hippo

I need Aaron Rodgers to score like it’s closing time at The Manhole ,, no ofence

King Hippo

I agree and didn’t even consider the side effect of said joke attempt. Mea culpa.

blordinaryfagicmox

(in Lee Carvallo’s voice):
“The traditional way for Aaron Rodgers to score is with the manhole open.”

Sill Bimmons

What are the odds of two guys who spell their name “Rodgers” ending up on the same team?

blordinaryfagicmox

Slightly higher than the odds that these two would.
http://rx.iscdn.net/2010/08/dingleberry.jpg

nomonkeyfun

And one of them likes Rodgering.

So does next week’s anthem feature an accordion player?

King Hippo

I’d kill to see Weird Al do it.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

MOAR INSTRUMENTAL ANTHEMS PLEASE!!!!

King Hippo

Kazoo?

The Maestro

Arturo Sandoval had an absolutely fucking killer version on the trumpet from a few years ago. Dude hit a super-C… that’s a full octave above what’s considered the extreme end of the regular range of the instrument. It was just awesome. Can’t find it right now, but seriously, seriously impressive.

litre_cola

Do you guys know of any 1 day fantasy sites? Or perhaps where I can acquire a large amount of money for doing very little on the internet?

Sill Bimmons

No idea bro.

Shogun Marcus

dafuq? That’s sorcery.

makeitsnowondem

I made $12 posting on DoorFliesOpen.com.

My cousin’s whore roomate makes $500 an hour and you can too at totallynotavirusorpyramidscheme.com

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Macro brews in the lede? We must be #UP4WHATEVER

makeitsnowondem

Gentlemen.

Moonbatting Average

Do we have a new Matron Saint, or is it still Suzy?

makeitsnowondem

I like to think it’s Michelle Ryan.

Sill Bimmons

That’s what I assumed.

trollsoharduniversity

SUZY KOLBER!

Sill Bimmons

Totally gone from UPROXX.

KSK redirects you to the home page.

blordinaryfagicmox

UPROXX turned into a shallow link-bait aggregator so gradually I… well no, I definitely noticed.

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

Shogun Marcus

Yo.

Doktor Zymm

Sup

litre_cola

Howdy padnah

Sill Bimmons

you guys like oatmeal

Shogun Marcus

Umm. Sure…

Sill Bimmons

i like oatmeal too

Spanky Datass

sup

oatmeal is nice on a cold morning with brown sugar but cinnamon toast crunch with cold milk is great in hot weather

Sill Bimmons

when its hot out i like lucky charms

Doktor Zymm

It seems I still can’t kill with only a thought. I should keep practicing.

Doktor Zymm

They’re going to the Cubs game. If I hear about a foul ball hitting someone in the head and damaging their Broca’s area, I’m going to assume it’s one of them and I do have telekinetic powers.

King Hippo

PLEAZ DO!

Doktor Zymm

They’re singing some godawful song now. On the bus. On a Monday night. There are not enough shovels for all the beating I want to do.

blordinaryfagicmox
blordinaryfagicmox

Is there anything more useless than the shootout of a pre-season hockey game?

blordinaryfagicmox

I can only reply to comments apparently, can never make a new one.

Doktor Zymm

Refresh the page, sometimes it gets stuck in reply mode. Or see if you can hit ‘cancel reply’ before posting.

blordinaryfagicmox

I think the cancel reply is the winner, even if I’ve already posted a reply I need to cancel to get back to status quo-mmenting. Oh DFO Gods, is this the punishement I get for blocking linkedin scripts from running on this page?

Sill Bimmons

The rest of a preseason hockey game?

Doktor Zymm

Dear MNF, please hold off on being a total shitshow until I can get off this damn bus with the yelling people I want to smack in the face with a shovel, get in my condo, sit on my couch, and have a goddamn drink.

King Hippo

We should consider ourselves lucky if it’s half as entertaining as British Monday Night Footy was this afternoon. EVERTON massive road comeback WOO!!

West Brom is the Texans of the EPL, so you don’t have to feel bad for their fans.

Zap Rowsdower

Chelsea are the Pats of the EPL, right? There’s no doubt that Stoke are the Browns.

Sill Bimmons

West Ham are the Raiders.

King Hippo

And one would be surprised how many British NFL followers dig the Raiders.

Moonbatting Average

Fat Eddy needs to net me two points for a win. I shouldn’t be worried, but yet…

WCS

I’ve already beaten a former coworker, and am delighted at the opportunity for Fat Eddy to make this better.

WCS
Gatoraids

Mmm dink and dunk doughnuts and passing.

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