Get Out Alive: Your Girlfriend’s Friend’s Boyfriend (When the Friend is a Guy…Not That There is Anything Wrong With That)

My girlfriend is a nurse so she’s got a nice cadre of gay male nurse friends (nttiawwt), some of which are very….high energy. Nice guys and all, for sure, but as an introverted kind of guy (legitimately, not just because it’s the cool thing to be right now) being around so much….high energy…can be draining. So, knowing that her out of town friend was going to be staying at our place with his new boyfriend, I planned to go ultra-straight dude and just camp out at the bar all weekend watching whatever football might be on TV.

Unfortunately that did not happen. But I did spend a bunch of time at the gym, hiking, getting high to somewhat remove myself from reality, and sleeping. As such, my weekend football intake consisted of ARI getting upset at home by STL, the last 15 minutes of Miami at Jets at London, and about a half of Pac-12 JV action (#firelarryscott). Plus spinning a football in my hands as I burnt our guest room mattress last night.

so, when the boyz ask you how football was this weekend:

Undefeated Action: Week 4 started with seven undefeated team. NE took a bye week, ARI lost, and the remaining teams went to 4-0. Your Response: “Fuck! I gotta wait another week for Fox to force Mercury Morris into relevancy for 45 seconds this season?”

QB Injuries (Follow Up): Jay Cutler (CHI) returned after letting Jimmy Clausen have only one start, and defeated the Raiders.  40 year old Matt Hasselbeck (IND) replaced Andrew Luck and beat the Jaguars.  Your Response: (1) “Cutler’s motivation is clearly just to fuck Chicago out of a top draft pick.” (2) “Even without Luck, the 2-2 Colts pass the eye test as the class of that stellar division.”

QB Injuries (America’s Team): Fun quip from ESPN:

Dallas quarterback Brandon Weeden, filling in while Tony Romo recovers from a broken clavicle, came through with clutch 91-yard touchdown drive to tie the game in the final minutes of regulation, only to lose his 10th straight start overall, tying him with Blaine Gabbert for the longest such streak among active QBs.

 

Your Response: “Did you know the Cowboys quarterback is a guy named Blaine GabbertPantz?”

Other Significant Injuries: A Ogletree (STL), M Crabtree (OAK), L Dunbar (DAL), S Lee (DAL), C Shorts (HOU). Your Response: That’s not even including the full concussion list. It’s really pointless to even bother with this after week 2.

National Coverage: If you were up early, Jets/Miami in London. If you were up late, Saints at home beat Dallas in overtime. Your Response: (1) “England is really embracing the NFL! It’s just a matter of time before they have a team over there!” (2) “The Saints have a visually unappealing playing surface.” (3) A fun quip from ESPN:

Dallas quarterback Brandon Weeden, filling in while Tony Romo recovers from a broken clavicle, came through with clutch 91-yard touchdown drive to tie the game in the final minutes of regulation, only to lose his 10th straight start overall, tying him with Blaine Gabbert for the longest such streak among active QBs.

Fantasy Play: It’s all a crap shoot but here’s an inside line — when USA Today, the beacon for hard hitting news, declares that Chip Kelly needs to bring back Tebow, you go pick that son of a bitch up! Your Response: I started Toby Gerhart. He scored negative points. I should have just played Tebow in that flex spot.

MNF: Lions at Seahawks. No Beast Mode versus No Wins. Your Response: Christ! I almost long for the days of prime time football revolving around the Manning/Brady Bowl #69.