Your Official Game Day Fan Apparel Hierarchy Thread

blaxabbath

blaxabbath

I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.
blaxabbath

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I enjoy being a fan. Basically, it boils down to an excuse to really get excited about something without having to apologize for yelling or simply, for a shut in like myself, an opportunity to be a part of a social group. While I cheer, take a minimal vested emotional interest in the outcome, and feel genuinely happy to see certain players finding success in their craft/profession, I also know the NFL is a business first and truly epitomizes all the evils that this entails. I’m a fan who is fortunate enough to like pretty much the entire roster, coaching staff, and GM of my local team — I still wouldn’t fucking spit on a Bidwill if their eyebrows were on fire, regardless of how many titles they bring to taxpayer-funded/subsidized Fake College Stadium. In short, I’ve never understood the motivation of being a topless dude in a blizzard screaming for my team.

Not Relatable

I’m well beyond my days of getting in fights/almost getting in fights in the stands but still young enough to only use the in-stadium security text number to report “the guys in the black and white are assaulting the integrity of the game. Send someone to detain them immediately.” To which the response is always a warning to not abuse the system. So, with this experience in mind, please allow me to explain how to look the look when you head down to the stadium to fan it up and ‘Be a Part of the Action: Brought to you by Super Beta Prostate’.

This is your Official Game Day Fan Apparel Hierarchy Thread.

(1) Active Player Jersey (Blank jersey acceptable at MLB/NHL games)
Also acceptable: retired player being honored at the game you are attending; personalized jersey that is funny.

Funny.

Preference for active player jerseys goes to matching the team’s color, obviously, but you will see many fans in throwback gear (as is the style of time) or, for some reason, Pro Bowl jerseys of their favorite players. I’m hot and cold on Pro Bowl jerseys. It’s a bargain that they can be worn as your favorite player floats around the league, however, you sit in the stands at FedEx field in a gray and neon green Alfred Morris jersey, you’re gonna kind of break of the maroon/yellow/pig nose theme of the place.

Go….Kinda Seahawks?

As a rule of thumb, the quality of the gear is negligible, just make sure it’s a jersey the player wears at some point. This is pretty easy to avoid at NFL games because the knock off jerseys still look pretty authentic (screen printed letters instead of embroidered — whatever man, it’s all good) but the shit that KMart and Walgreens pass off as ‘practice gear’ is atrocious. Colors/logos/designs you’d never fucking see are somehow produced, stocked, and sold. Don’t buy that shit. Don’t wear that shit.

Remember, this shit isn’t Oregon Football, NFL teams only have three uniforms. It shouldn’t take that long to spot the fakes. Try to spot the real jersey in the photos below:

One bit of warning when investigating your NFL active player jersey. The morning after the Cardinals Super Bowl XLIII loss, I arrived at work to find that I had won the final jackpot in our office Squares gambling game of skill when Raperburger hit Santana Homes for the go ahead TD with 35 seconds left. I took my $300 payout and swore to reinvest it in the team (I was surprisingly depressed for like the whole week after the Super Bowl) and went out and bought a legit, what-the-players-wear, game day Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie home jersey. That jersey was dope as shit to be wearing at the bar on Sundays because DRC epitomizes a hot/cold player. I remember wearing it the night  Peyton Manning just embarrassed him, including getting DRC to bite on a quick screen fake that ended up going over his head for an 80 yard TD. It was a brutal evening but that’s why I get to post on Facebook about being a ‘True Fan’.

The guy on the ground is who I paid money to advertise on my own body.

Anyways, he was shipped off when the front office decided to bring Kevin Kolb to town (thank goodness Chip Kelly wasn’t the coach then, who knows what the price would have been to give the Eagles another negro defensive player for a white quarterback) so I ended up getting only about two years out of my jersey. So let this be a lesson to those of you investing in a player jersey — get someone the team won’t let go.

(2) Inactive Player Jersey
Per my DRC story, these jerseys are fucking expensive. If you laid out $200 for an Eagles Tim Tebow jersey, go ahead and wear that thing on game day. In fact, Tebow may even fall in the ‘funny’ loophole above, depending on if you wear it with a sense of humor versus a personal protest against America’s attack on CWW (Christians Who Win). Not sure? Check to see if you are wearing a Young Life hat with your Tebow threads.

Still, have a little discretion. If your player left on bad terms, was hated by fans, is playing against your team that day, or is at the center of a domestic violence or murder scandal — take a pass for the week.

Don’t be these fucking ‘people’

(3) Team Apparel
In every day life, I would have Team Apparel in the #2 spot because, in our fashion conscious world, you got some serious explaining to do when you are wearing something out of style (like a DRC jersey from two teams ago). However, in an NFL stadium, fans in home team jerseys just look right. The next best thing, then, is fans in team apparel.

Again, we aren’t worried about quality or flashiness. Just show that you’ve made a concerted effort to support the home team. Also, if you’re anything more than the most casual observer of the game (or, notably, if you’re on a date and looking to do the bare minimum), you need to at least get yourself a team logo shirt. If you’re less bullish on giving even more money to NFL, there are plenty of knock offs and NFLPA licensed player-focused shirts available on Etsy and your local Craigslist.

Acceptable

(4) League Gear
You know how babies get to wear non-competitive sports gear that simply reads, “All-Star” or “Football”? Well, this is the adult equivalent. Maybe your city hosted a Super Bowl and you happened upon a corner store a week after the event and you snagged a tee shirt at 85% discount. Maybe your team’s fan base is already wearing paper bags on their head. Maybe your team just traded for Nick Foles and is getting ready to head to LA so you’d rather not wear their gear.

Honestly, the only people I can see falling into this category are dickbags and douchbag business college student (read: anyone attending “B-School”) who treats every social gathering as an “opportunity” to try and meet industry contacts. So while you’re over there getting drunk and booing Roger Goodell, this dick is staying neutral and showing off his ability to not eat pizza until instructed to do so.  Fuck that guy.

Dickbag.

(5) Allied Team
By now we’ve reached murky waters. If, for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to wear any of the above, I have to assume you received Patriots v Patriots tickets and have to go to the game as part of a dowry to bed <insert popular attractive model — we still doing Kate Upton?>. In this case, you just need to be ready to explain yourself with some kind of, “Yeah, I’m wearing this Patriots Matt Cassel jersey to the Chargers at Broncos because [something about one team beating another helps the Cowboys secure a first round playoff bye].”

Basically, I don’t recommend this unless it’s a clearcut, Week 17, If Team A beats Team B then Team C gets in the playoffs so my Team C jersey is showing a second-degree alliance with Team A, situation. And, even then, just go buy an anti-Goodell shirt to show support with other NFL fans.

Still better than a non-competing team’s jersey

(6) Neutral Colors
This is your last hope for not deserving to get your ass kicked in the parking lot outside the stadium. If, for some reason you can’t pull off 1-5 and the rest of your wardrobe consists of gear from the visiting team, then all I can really say is you need to go invest in a white tee shirt. You can literally buy these off guys pushing shopping carts on the street.


And if it’s like a ‘white out’ game, I’m pretty sure no NFL team wears a color known as Titans Blue.  So just get a gray or Titans Blue shirt.

Exceptions
This is life so, if you’re a woman, go ahead and do whatever you want. Bikini tops are great but I find camo pink Matt Leinart jerseys to be the standard in my town.




Trump Card
If you’re Boltman or Fireman Ed or Raider Nation, you just go on doing your thing, boss. I mean, it is just a game.

blaxabbath
blaxabbath
I sat on a jury years ago, 2nd degree attempted murder case. One day the defendant wore sneakers with his suit to court. It was that day I knew he was guilty.

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WhyEaglesWhy

I still have my McNabb jersey. I am reserving it for the day, say 20 years from now, when a procession of shitty quarterbacks causes Vinny from South Philly to finally acknowledge that we had a near-HOFer to root for and we treated him like shit because he was black and liked to smile sometimes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

If you are over a male over 20 and don’t play for a team you shouldn’t be wearing a fucking jersey.

Just kidding (sort of); wear what the fuck you want.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Walter Payton jerseys are always appropriate.

There’s not a single Bears player from this year I’d even contemplate shelling out real money to get his jersey. In fact, the only recent Bear whose jersey I’d get would be Tillman. And even then, I’d wait, because it’s weird enough to see him wearing a Carolina jersey now.

King Hippo

I’ve only ever owned one jersey, the Holy Orange #7, a Xmas present during high school that I wore in undergrad during particularly difficult exams for good luck.

At 42, I feel kind of self-conscious wearing a jersey. Much prefer the simple fleece/pullover, finally found a good Donks one this past spring. Almost impossible to find Everton gear in that format, though.

Doktor Zymm

The children’s jerseys are way cheaper, and thanks to the childhood obesity epidemic, the L/XL sizes fit non-Packer fans pretty well. I got my Kerrigan jersey in a girls XL and it was about half the cost of a woman’s M.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I have the following:

52, 58, 63, 75, 92. All except 63 in home and away.

63 I bought legitimately. The rest were acquired in Macau in the summer of 2010. I was visiting University Hospital so I was there for a week while I was living in Australia. On my last day the man who had been hosting me started asking me about sports, who I followed. Turns out he knows of a place where they make any knock-off jersey from any major team in the world and they are completely authentically made, right down to the tags. Nike, Reebok, adidas, Mitchell And Ness — you name it, they made it. AU$10 apiece. Make a list, he said.

A month later they were on my doorstep for a AU$500 “shipping” fee. Absolutely perfect.

I also got a few dozen hockey, soccer and rugby jerseys and M&N flannel baseball jerseys. Good times.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

You need to add a 7:

Same City, Different Sports Team Apparel
For example, going to a Rams game in a Cardinals jersey.
All it says to me is that you’re too fair-weather to actually support this team, but hey, I live here, so go [City]!

Only exception: You’re attending said game WHILE the other teams jersey that you are wearing is playing (typically reserved for playoff situations).

Doktor Zymm

This is basically what I do when I go to Cubs games. Baseball games are fun, but I don’t actually care about who wins, and I don’t want people mistaking me for a Cubs fan. Most of those people are terrible.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I sometimes pair a Cubs or Blackhawks hat with a Bears Jersey. Where’s that on the douche-o-meter?

Beerguyrob
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

/places order for SANTANA HOMES jersey

PhilSimmsKentuckyMethCookbook
PhilSimmsKentuckyMethCookbook

Where do we stand on “your favorite player’s college” jerseys? I’ve seen a couple guys rocking Eli’s Old Miss jersey and I coveted Shockey’s 88 Miami jersey. Seems like kind of a cool way to wear a throwback without wearing doofy gear. But then, I’m a known douche.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I love the college jersey of a good player move. Especially if you went to that college.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Feels a little hipster-douche. The football equivalent of “I liked [insert band] before they were big, back when they were playing local gigs in [insert loser home town] therefore I am more authentic than you.”

Not that this is your thought process, but it seems ripe for abuse.

Bugg
Bugg

Bought a Jets/Favre jersey when he joined the team. When it went to hell and we were subjected to Nacho Shitbox, donated it to the Salvation Army. About 1 year ago saw a homeless guy washing windows at the corner of Atlantic and Pennsylvania Avenues in Brooklyn wearing what I strongly suspect was said Favre jersey.

The Nacho Shitbox jersey as well as 1 for each of 2 sons found their way to Goodwill.No sign of squeegee Shitbox yet.

Kept the Revis jersey, which worked out.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So this is the first year I’ve ever actually bought myself an NFL jersey. I bought it here because fuck the NFL and their insane licensing fees but also because I’m a cheapskate:

http://www.aliexpress.com/

I am very satisfied with my purchase. Amari Cooper jersey for $25.

Bugg
Bugg

The official jersey prices are insane.I’m buying a shirt to spill beer, chili and wing sauce on, so spending that much money is not happening for a jersey. Our friends in the Far East are much more reasonable and the product is as good as it has to be.

Wakezilla

OK, I’ve been looking for a site like this for a while. Overall, are you satisfied? Did you get what you want? Looking at it, as much as I want to buy from there, I’d be terrified for them to send me the wrong jersey where the colour is just horribly off.

One player has 3 jerseys and there’s 3 slightly different shades of red for each one.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

If you’re going knock-off, go with the away jersey or black if it’s home/third.

Much harder to fuck up black and white than other colors.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve seen Rikki’s jersey in person. It looks exactly like one of the $300 ones.

ballsofsteelandfury

You are my idol. I implore everyone to follow Rikki’s lead and not give any money to those asshole billionaires.

Give it to the Chinese kids making your jerseys instead.

WCS

Fuck Fireman Ed with a sharpened ax handle.

SonOfSpam

Howzabout a giveaway Dieter Brock t-shirt with an “am/pm” logo?

Beerguyrob

I’ll trade you his old CFL Blue Bombers card for it!

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/811%2BKQpk60L._SX522_.jpg

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Wow.

They just straight-up stole that color scheme from the ’76 Panthers:

http://heismanpundit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/tony-dorsett-1.jpeg

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Wakezilla

After reviewing Winnipeg and Pitt’s jersey history, I’d say you probably have it the other way around. Pitt historically leading up to the 70s wore solid blue uniforms (wit gold trim thrown in once in a while). The Bombers wore blue with gold trim on their uniforms since 32.

Wakezilla

But it we’re being real, it’s more coincidence than anything (in the 70s). Now, I’d agree with you. Whenever the CFL has their jersey manufacturer change hands, the new jerseys revealed always seem to resemble a NFL or College team that had the jerseys first, which is a little annoying.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Fair enough.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I like Winnipeg.

I stay overnight there whenever I go fishing at Neultin Lake.

Maxime’s Peppercorn Steak or GTFO

Spanky Datass
Spanky Datass

I have a sweeet Golden Richards jerz-tee … to bad it’s size youth-smedium.

http://img.gawkerassets.com/post/11/2012/10/golden-richards__1_.jpg

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

This is a good topic of discussion. I find when I wear an active player, I add in this whole karma quotient that sometimes my superstitious mind can’t honestly deal with the pressure of. I defer to team apparel in most instances. Especially when it’s dope:

comment image

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

And yea, wearing an all time great’s jersey for your team is never a bad thing. Only exception is when you’re too young to have seen that guy play. I don’t know that feel disingenuous. I think about this shit too much.

Enrico Pallazzo

Every time that I buy a [*Redacteds] player jersey, that person immediately becomes terrible. I’m thinking about just getting a 21 Sean Taylor. What more can happen to him???

SonOfSpam

Raped by Darren Sharper?

Senor Weaselo

I imagine when we mention Sean Taylor we all stand up like he was Randolph Scott.

jjfozz

If you are a Steelers fan and own one of those horrendous bumble bee jerseys, I will make fun of you until they throw dirt on my coffin. Because they are ugly as shit and no storyline about “history” or “throwback” or “the good old days” will change my mind.

And if you’re a Ravens fan and are wearing a Rice jersey and I see you at M&T Bank Stadium, I will attack you with razor sharp oyster shells, because you are a gigantic dick who deserves to be sliced by a crustacean carapace.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

The Bears’ 1994 throwback jerseys were striped and looked pretty badass.

http://www.milehighcardco.com/ItemImages/000013/12_13704a_lg.jpeg

ballsofsteelandfury

I agree 1000% with this.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What about throwback player jerseys? I bought my buddy a Butkus jersey a few years ago and he loves wearing it to Soldier Field.

laserguru

I love the throw backs. I have an Alan Page jersey.
One jersey that will never be acceptable in any circumstances is the one in your avatar.

Beerguyrob

They are great to give, and to receive. A gift for all seasons.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

The curse of the Bears fan is how few recent players are worth the price of a jersey.

The blessing is you can get your 34, 40, 50, 51, 77, 95, 99 and get your money’s worth and never have to worry about it being inappropriate.