So we kicked off Week 5 last night with a 40-year-old Matt Hasselbeck in pants-shitting agony, somehow getting enough energy to overcome a bacterial infection he’d been in the hospital for just two days earlier, throwing for 2 TDs and spearheading the Colts to beating the hapless Houston Texans. So much for the promise of a competitive AFC South division. Christ, Indy’s divisional win streak is now an NFL-record sixteen straight games. They’re gonna win the division, and then get blown the fuck out in the AFC divisional round. Unless they somehow matchup against the Bengals, in which case, hilarity will ensue. Personally, I always root for hilarity, so I desperately hope this happens.

Onto your fantasy and sex questions!

Hey DFO,

What the fuck is going on with the Bucs’ wide receivers? Mike Evans was supposed to have a breakout year, but sleazebag Jameis just can’t seem to get his shit together – I started him last week against my opponent who started Vincent Jackson – and lost handily in the process. Can I trust starting Evans again this week? I’m getting pretty fucking pissed off at this point. Otherwise, my options are Keenan Allen or Allen Hurns, and while Allen is having a decent year, I’m still not 100% sold on him.

Well, to be honest with you, I don’t know what the fuck is going in Tampa either, really. Obviously Week 1 Evans was limited with the hamstring thing, but yeah, I’d blame Jameis as the reason Evans hasn’t seen as many targets as he’d like this year. However, matching up against the Jags this week could mean he could score big. Take a gamble this week – it’s a better matchup than the other two, I think.

Yo – quick question – PPR league (.5 per) – Harvin vs. TEN, Crabtree vs. DEN, or Amendola vs. DAL?

Uhhh… gut is going with Amendola on this one, just because I think Dallas is gonna have some fairly tight coverage on Gronk and JEWKAH as Brady’s #1 and #2 options. May not pick up high yardage, but expect a reasonable number of touches just to try and keep drives moving. PPR leagues are a crapshoot, really, and personally I’m not a huge fan, really. But good luck with that!

OK, this week’s sex question!

Alright, so I’m a recent college graduate, going back for Homecoming next weekend; I’m recent enough that I still have a number of friends still living in town as students. Still, I’ve definitely moved on from many of the aspects of the college student life – now I’m living in the city, working a real job, having a place of my own, etc. etc. While I’m there, I know I’ll be out partying, with friends both graduated and still in school. My question, thus, is this – in the highly likely event I end up hooking up with someone while I’m there, what’s the surefire way to make sure we end up going back to her place, instead of having to end up on my best friend’s couch when I’m crashing at his apartment? Don’t want to jeopardize my friendship just for a night of laying pipe.

Well, man, I gotta say, it’s actually really courteous of you to be thinking of your buddy when you’re trying to score (so long as you’re not thinking OF him when you’re scoring, haha. Bad joke, sorry). Hopefully, at least for your sake, that in the leadup to any sexytimes, you’ve been chatting away and she understands that you’re just back visiting and don’t live in town anymore. When that’s clear, more often than not, it tends to be that all is well and good and you can go back to her place and enjoy yourselves thoroughly. However, sometimes there are indeed issues at hand, which need to be clarified, even if you are both in a semi-drunken stupor:

• Does she live in a dorm? If so, does she have a roommate (i.e. sharing the same room?) If not, is it one of those single-gender dorms where any visitors of the opposite gender have to be signed in and then depart by a specific period of time? (Admittedly, it doesn’t sound like you went to BYU, which certainly helps with your prospects, because I’m pretty sure there would have been at least 37 different honor code violations that spring up as a result of all this).
• If she doesn’t live in a dorm, where is her place? If you’re in a college town, hopefully the student ghetto is one of those walkable areas – those always make for the best Homecomings, if you ask me. Having to really hoof, take public transit, call a cab/Uber/whatever, really kills the mood. Avoid it if possible.
• Are her roommates cool with “visitors?” Or are they snobby prudes? You don’t want to get in the door, accidentally wake up the Puritans, and then get cock-blocked. They will always find a way. Trust me.

If any of these things are posing an issue, you have two options, though you are certainly nearing the end of the line on possibilities here:

• Talk to your buddy quickly – let him know you’re locked and loaded and looking to pull the trigger, but can’t do it under your current circumstances, and need to come back to the couch, etc. to pull it off. This is a tough conversation to have, but ultimately, if he says no, you really should respect those wishes. However, if there’s a yes, do him the courtesy and make sure you’ve wrapped well and shit is SPOTLESS afterward. Keep her from staying over, as a courtesy to him, and buy him a big fucking case of beer, breakfast, just something, because he just did you a big fucking favor.
• If your buddy’s couch is a no-go, then your final option is to try and find a building on campus. College campuses are great like this – I’m sure people have done this all the time on yours. Spin it as the thrill of getting caught or something, I dunno. There are secluded spots, entrances that don’t get locked at night, etc. You’re an alumnus – you probably know your way around like the back of your hand.

There’s no real perfect answer to the question, but hopefully with some good, clear communication before doing the deed, you can avoid having to hunt high and low for your love nest for the night.

Anyways, enjoy your homecoming – I hope your college’s football team wins, unless they’re total shit, in which case I hope they make it entertaining – and I hope you are awash in good memories from your time at school. Stay safe and have fun!

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to [email protected]. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).