Your Early Slate Open Thread

Was @ NYJ: This game features two above average D’s that get it done differently. The Slurs blitz a league-low 11% of the time and the Jets a league-high 53%. QB-wise Cousins has two pick-sixes that have lost games and Fitz hasn’t cracked 1,000 yds yet and has 6 Int’s to go with his 64.5 QBR. TO THE RUN GAME! Ivory  is a tough, slug-it-out between the tackles type that usually doesn’t go down after first contact. No wonder he’s had so much trouble with injuries through his career. Morris is a slogger as well, averaging 3.1 ypc this month. Looks like an old-timey fight-it-out-in-the-trenches kind of game to me. I think the under on this game is 3.

Ari @ Pit: Vick has a dog’s breath QBR of 28-dead last in the league but you already knew that and the fact that this game depends on Bell. ‘Zona’s wins have come against NO, the Bears, the 9er’s and Detroit. So yeah, they can beat down their weaker brothers but this is a test I think they’ll fail. According to PFF, DE Heyward and LB Harrison are the 5th and 2nd best at getting QB disruptions at their respective positions. I’m glad to see the Hall of Fame Fitz is having a big bounce-back year-he’s averaging 8+ targets per game and making the most of them, having scored 6 TD’s already.

KC @ Min: In KC, if you look to the West there are Charcandrick’s as far as the eye can see. Most of the talk in that town centers around how exactly will Andy Reid mis-use him. I’m going with, “chews up significant yardage, gets into a groove and then is taken out of the game for seven minutes”. Meanwhile, no worries in Minny about AP-he just moved into 10th place all-time for RB TD’s. As we all know, Smith is faced with the blitz often on 3rd down and can’t handle it. He’s ranked 34th out of 35 qualifying QB’s with respect to QBR on that down-expect the Vikes to have a series of small get-togethers in the Chiefs backfield over the course of the game.

Cin @ Buf: Dalton is my “Five Games In” MVP. He’s racked up 1500+ yards, 11 TD’s with only 2 picks-he’s doing everything right at the moment. Soooo…needless to say, die-hard Bengal-backers are wondering when the other cleat is going to drop. The Bills should get McCoy back today after Boobie brought the 2.7 ypc thunder against the Titans last week. Hey Look!-over there under “Questionable” status, it’s Percy Harvin getting comfortable again. It looks like Manuel gets the start today-maybe he’ll play really well and the Bills will have a QB controversey on their hands? Nah.

Chi @ Det: Yards per pass attempt-wise you’re looking at the two worst teams in the league. Of course an argument could be made that you’re looking at the two worst teams, period. Let’s move on, shall we?

Den @ Cle: The Bronc’s have given up 79 points total so far this year-don’t expect too many more to be added to that total today. What’s got only one functioning arm and is using it to hang on for dear life? The Peyton, that’s what. His 77 QBR is 20 points below his career average. He should use that big noggin of his to figure out that this is his last year. I’ve turned the corner on Josh. He’s thrown for over 1200 yards (to the likes of Barnidge, Bowe, Hartline and Hawkins-though Benjamin has been a surprise) with just the one pick. That said, he’ll probably double that total to two after this game. The Brownies have numerous problems but the QB spot isn’t one of them.

Hou @ Jax: Speaking of doubling up, one of these teams will do so in the win column today. Hopkins is on fire-his 578 yards and 75 targets lead the league. The one game I saw (yeah, I watched a Texans game, come at me) he did whatever the hell he wanted to do on the field, no matter the coverage and with ridiculous ease. Hoyermallet will get the start though if history is any indicator, we may see some Mallethoyer. The Houston coaching staff is looking more and more like that girlfriend that can’t quite decide between the red dress or the green dress. Over at a Jax fan site they’re celebrating the fact that they’re favoured for the first time this year. Hug that one point close Lennie, I mean Jags fans, but not too tight unless you strangle it a la Of Mice And Men. I do think that a steady dose of Yeldon, Hurns and Robinson should get this done though.

Mia @ Ten: Titans have lost their last 7 home games. Ouch. Meanwhile, new coach Campbell had this to say upon being hired, “Miso excited about this opportunity to turn this team around. Rest assured we will play Miller a lot more-he’ll be ramen left, ramen right and ramen right up the middle. Landry will dashi up and down the field, no doubt about that. The D is going to be more aggressive-I’ll be calling for bisques from all directions. We’ve got to get the opposing QB to say to himself, ‘What The Pho?’ Okay, I’ve got to go and prepare my team, GAZPACHO, one and all!”

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blaxabbath

Christ — ARI is pulling off every fuck up in the book to try to give this one away.

Doktor Zymm

THIS [*Redacted] S TEAM, I CALL THEM A TYPICAL FAMILY BECAUSE THEY HAVE EMBARRASSING COUSINS

Spur

Jesus, Gio is so fast

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bernard you goddamned vulture.

Sill Bimmons

Fuck’s sake.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Where da hell have you been, Cam Wake?

Sill Bimmons

STOP SHOWING TEXANS JAGS

fleshwound_NPG

CATTYSCRAMBLE, CATLERBOMB

Spur

What a move from Fitz!!!

King Hippo

To the tune of Elvis Costello:

“Laughing at the Yinzers
They’re so fat”

Redshirt

Refs in Buffalo are blind

litre_cola

Now I am just getting a few notifications via email. How very strange.

Doktor Zymm

Wow, guys, have you heard about this Fan Duel thing? What a well kept secret! They really should advertise more.

makeitsnowondem

I won three million dollars but didn’t tell anyone or star in a commercial.

tundrajim

My bank won a house. My house.

Sill Bimmons

It’s hasn’t taken long to surmise that these games aren’t very good.

blaxabbath

ARI Pitt is ok. Not perfect but entertaining.

Sill Bimmons

RZ apparently thinks the meteor hit.

JustStopDude

I say this as a person that has struggled with opiate abuse in the past. The Fan Duel bearded guy has the most pinned eyes I have ever seen. There is zero way he is not using smack.

I want to see his arms. Where are the tracks!?!

blaxabbath

Is the struggle that you need a more reliable hook up? Because I can help out…for a price.

JustStopDude

Struggle was I was doing illegal hookups for abandoned row homes in Baltimore for scramble and cash as a teenager rather than having a normal life.

blaxabbath

On the bright side, now you can play Fan Duel!

Gratliff

NFL in London is going to re-start the Revolutionary War at this rate.

Senor Weaselo

Maybe then we’ll finally change those borders! 54-40 or fight!

John Difool

Running into the kicker my ass…

Doktor Zymm

Running into the kicker’s ass is a totally different penalty. Or would be if they ever give me the chance to make a bunch of dumb rules.

Sill Bimmons

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

– Riley Cooper at a location where there are three African-American men present

litre_cola

Dont you mean, WHITE WHITE WHITE?

entropy

3rd and 8…. better go for negative yardage. THEY’LL NEVER SUSPECT IT!!!

Spur

Manning has the throwing motion of a catapult.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

… And none of the damage.

King Hippo

Brock must be the shittiest shithead in the history of shitting.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I shouldn’t read posts during game threads.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace
Sharkbait

Did he yell at the defense?

Geez Decker.

John Difool

Decker got Decked

Sill Bimmons

MIAMI COACHES HAVE GONE FULL BRO

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

LAMAR MILLER WITH A COMPETENT RUN! LAMAR MILLER WITH A COMPETENT RUN!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Since when did Mike Carey have a lisp?

Senor Weaselo

What the fuck is that Macklemore-Russell Wilson commercial.

blaxabbath

I thought it was for my local thrift store.

blaxabbath

I hope Chris Rock plays Mike Vick in the Dog Fight documentary.

JustStopDude

I am now convinced that NFL officials don’t actually understand the rules they are trying to enforce.

blaxabbath

Their job is to POLICE the game.

WCS

Well, it’s pretty obvious Goodell doesn’t understand the sport he’s in charge of, either.

makeitsnowondem

It’s nice to have four excellent pass rushers, but not as great when two of them are hurt.

King Hippo

Well-timed bye week. Really hope Shane didn’t break or tear something. He’s a revelation.

blaxabbath

Russell Wilson sits alone in his pool because he’s been alienated by his teammates.

entropy

Next commercial, Death Cab for Cutie subtly suggests he kill himself….

King Hippo

There’s whiskey in the water…

King Hippo

I fucking love Brandon Marshall (the LB). Such an unsung hero. Microscosm of the team defense that Wade has installed.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Sharkbait

So his other personality is a linebacker? Brings a whole new meaning to the term “Playing offense and defense”

fleshwound_NPG

CHI/DET will end 48-44

Spur

Does Bill Murray play characters anymore or is he just Bill Murray as himself in movies now?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Brick Meathook

Except for playing Hunter S Thompson and FDR, he’s always played Bill Murray

entropy

His Thompson was inferior to Depp’s, in my opinion.

Brick Meathook

Depp went full-Gonzo

entropy

Not to mention “Fear & Loathing” actually dealt with the more important stuff… Depp’s “the right kind of eyes” moment was awesome.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Depp was a good friend of Thompson’s and spnt a shitload of time with him.

JustStopDude

Totally agree. “Where the Buffalo Roam” is a terrible movie.

Its Bill Murray just pretending to be like HST.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

I wonder how he was with Bruce Willis? I’ve heard he’s a hard-ass.

RGIII is so sad

Doktor Zymm

How shitty is your team if you have to try and injure the QB of the Titans to get an advantage?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Looks like the Dolphins new coach is Schiano2.0

John Difool

The way Fitzmagic’s beard is going I expect in the next couple of weeks the Jets starting offensive lineup will include Mad Jack, Old Number Seven and Ben the Grizzly bear.

Doktor Zymm

He’s like the Unabomber, but better socialized and less explosive.

entropy

I would buy all of those jerseys.

Redshirt

Bad Andy Moment!

blaxabbath

Who is the backup to Vick?

Sill Bimmons

Landry Jones

/shudder

King Hippo

This is an old school day, my money league fantasy team is so dead, I can just get drunk and revel in the success of my for realz team.

SHIT. Shane Ray being hurt is not ok at all.

blaxabbath

Neighbor is on to the weed wacker. It’s more annoying but I hope the edging is quick and he goes back inside.

indieguy

In my younger days I used to edge the weed when I whacked it. Now I just get it over with

entropy

My neighbors appear to be full-on Shawshanking into my basement, there are a lot of ugly noises from their basement (and bleeding into mine). Fuck it. As long as they miss the water heater, they can on,y improve things down there.

Gratliff

Good job not going after the frail QB, Chip!

Sill Bimmons

hey guys

entropy

Yo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

sup

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“…per?”

– Andy Reid

The Maestro

hola

Spanky Datass

sup
gotta was the deck later and prep the grill too

Sill Bimmons

yo

i wased myself earlier

JustStopDude

In the spirit of the image above of the Dolphins fan…

The historically bad Detroit Lions and their perfect loss season utterly and completely destroys the undefeated Dolphins team 1000 out of 1000 times right?

fleshwound_NPG
The Maestro

SSSSSSMOCKIN’

Spanky Datass

That guy is so far up his own ass i needed binoculars to read his tweet. smdh.

blaxabbath

Didn’t the Steeler’s player get fined for the Iron Head eyeblack?

Fox shouldn’t be able to hold challenging the system in high regard.

makeitsnowondem

So I’m at Pinthouse Pizza right now drinking something called Whiskey Shakes, and I can tell you all it’s almost certainly the best whiskey barrel aged session IPA in existence.

Spanky Datass

Love barrel aged beer too much.

King Hippo

HAWT taek to piss off my buddy WBS. Methinks Denver D 2015 is superior to Balmer 2000. Except in murdering.

COME AT ME, BRO!!