Your Early Slate Open Thread

We’re more than half way through the regular season. I’ve had a great time so far-oh, if my bottles of scotch could talk…they probably wouldn’t slur their words like I do. Moving on-

GB @ Car: Rodgers is sacked/pressured almost 40% of the time he drops back to pass and he faces another quality D that can really bring it. Lacy needs to stop with the donuts and start with the knockin’ defenders backwards. More good news for GB-starting CB’s Shields and Rollins are doubtful for the game. 7-0 Carolina is an underdog at home. This is only the second time since 1990 that has occurred. The Panthers are hoping that a potential win has nothing to do with WR Ginn, otherwise it will slip through their fingers.

Was @ NE: WE ARE ALL [INSERT TEAM HERE] FANS TODAY goes the refrain whenever someone plays the Pats. Actually, the Slurs don’t stand a damn chance and I’m not going to waste my time bothering to side with them. 20 TD’s and 1 Intercept-Br*dy’s playing at a ridiculous level. I hope he gets leveled.

Ten @ NO: Somethingberger goes back to the bench ’cause Mariota is able to play this week. Will Mularkey have the same effect on the Titans as Campbell had on the Fins? We’ll find out real quick. We’ll also find out what happens when a soft, squishy object collides with a vulnerable not-force. That would be a Titans WR group of draft bust Hunter, nobody Green-Beckham, lousy as hell Douglas and practice squadder Richardson clashing with a colander disguised as a Rob Ryan-led Saints secondary. Watson? Snead? Who are these people and what has Brees done with them? Well, made them relevant for one thing. That should continue as Titans CB’s McCourty and Wreh-Wilson aren’t likely to play.

Mia @ Buf: With DE Wake gone Miami’s sack rate drops from 7% down to 1.8%. The good news is that Bills QB Taylor gets sacked at the 5th highest rate of all players at his position. To no one’s surprise Harvin has gone over to the IR. Actually, that hip injury that he’s been dealing with for a few years now is a bit troubling. It sounds like a chronic condition and I’ll bet he’ll have mobility issues even earlier than the average retired football player. LB Brown and DE Dareus have been vocal in their criticism of Ryan’s “complicated” D packages. Given the talent on this D there’s no excuse for these guys not being a top 8 unit.

StL @ Min: Gurley is averaging 115 yds. per game but he’ll struggle to reach that in this game unless he breaks a long one. Hats off to Gregg Williams (?) of all people for making the Saint Looey D the 5th ranked in the league. I very much like the way these teams match up-they’re the 1st and 4th ranked red zone D’s, have strong running games and middling QB’s that will be running for their lives all afternoon. Sounds like a raucous, hard-hitting, low-scoring affair-just like a night on the town with Greg Hardy. Football Outsiders ranks Minny’s first seven games of the season as the easiest in the NFL. The kicker? They rate the Vikes remaining sked as the toughest.

Jax @ NYJ: One of these two teams leads the league defensively in fewest yards per rush and it isn’t the Jets. That’s right, the Jags did a good. Bortles still hasn’t won a road game in his career and it’s not likely to happen today but he has improved his QBR rating by 21 points on enemy fields. Progress! (is slow) Speaking of highly-ranked D’s the Jets come in at #2 overall. Revis will take WR Robinson out of the game so Hurns should get him some. At least that’s what my fantasy brain is telling me. Of course a Jets blog says they have no one to cover TE Thomas so I’m sure he’ll steal all the points.

Oak @ Pit: The Raiders have a winning record against only one team over the last ten years. Guess who they’re 4-1 against? Go ahead, I’ll wait. Good on you QB Carr-he’s improved his QBR from 28th (38.2) last year to 11th (65.8) this year. I don’t think anyone outside his mom and dad could have seen that coming. The Steel Sieve is 26th against the pass so WR’s Cooper and Crabtree have some easy catchin’ to do. The Steelers defensive captain Heyward will play Sunday despite seeing the birth of his first-born yesterday. Gotta hand it to him for going back out there so soon after seeing the old placenta plop onto the floor of the delivery room. (that sorta stuff stays with you, man) Beware WR Brown now that Ben is back. It’s just a matter of time before the both of them go off big time.

 

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Romonobyl

I see your wonut and raise one crownie.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Is Jerry Rice that hard up for cash to do these god-awful McDonald’s commercials?

Sill Bimmons

New boats aren’t gonna buy themselves.

Smithchez

That’s right, Chan. More basic runs up the middle everytime on first down.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Proposal: Washington gets to keep their stupid name if they cripple Brady for life. Thoughts?

Sill Bimmons

I fully support this.

John Difool

The Washington Brady Killers has a nice ring to it.

Romonobyl

First real cold front of the season, why am I still inside?

JustStopDude

Rather than subject myself to halftime shows, methinks I shall walk to a gas station and see if I can’t pick up a 12 pack.

King Hippo

exactly what goddamned good does that FG do the Skins? Have some balls.

Doktor Zymm

Jay Gruden has no balls. This has been firmly established over this season and last. Instead of just benching RG3, he put him in a situation where he was likely to get injured, because he’s THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESIVE.

I don’t like the Chubby Gruden.

Sill Bimmons

hell’s bells

King Hippo

as long as DeAngelo gets teh TD

Badger

“Proud supporter of the US military… for the right price”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Sammy Watkins: Witness Him

The Maestro

God bless Antonio Brown.

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

Green Bay should try blocking that defensive tackle.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

Antonio Brown is good at the football.

bourb0nblues

THE BEN DO A GOOD

Romonobyl

Walked past the Ladies Room without hesitation?

JustStopDude

Hey CBS color guy…when the center gets his helmet knocked off, blood is pouring from his face, and he immediately drops…try not to chuckle and say a stupid joke…

Sill Bimmons

I like waffles.

Doktor Zymm

Have you had a wonut?

entropy

I had a hertz donut once.

I did not find the experience pleasurable.

Sill Bimmons

Nope.

Doktor Zymm

I’ve heard it’s a Chicago invention, which they sell in Korea for some odd reason. It contains most of your calories for the day in one tiny, pretty delicious package.
http://static2.stuff.co.nz/1399852402/385/10035385.jpg

Doktor Zymm

Yes, those are deep fried.

Doktor Zymm

I wonder if the Panthers will throw away their lead in the 3rd quarter? I’m used to watching teams (ok, A team) that consistently throws away leads in the 3rd quarter.

entropy

I have apparently lost my goddamn mind. I’ve turned on the dining room TV to the Stillers, LR is on the Slurs/Assholes, and I put the Jets on a stream on the laptop. Just because I hate having an attention span already, I got another beer and poured two fingers of vodka in a rocks glass and slammed it back.

DRUNK AFTERNOON IS GO.

The Maestro

Huzzah!

Doktor Zymm

I’ve so far refrained from putting on more than just the one game, mostly because I’m pretending GB/Car is the only game on. My usual mode is 2-3 screens.

Doktor Zymm

Also, fun fact, the carbonation in beer (or any other carbonated drink) facilitates the movement of alcohol through your stomach lining, meaning you become drunker, faster! Yay!

entropy

This explains a lot to me. I had no idea that was the case.

Another fun fact: I don’t really get hangovers, which I was told means I have a plethora of “smooth endoplasmic reticulum,” but I figure it’s just because I’m such a big bastard.

Doktor Zymm

Huh. I don’t really get hangovers either. I learned early in life that it’s probably not best to be chipper in the morning around people you were drinking with the night before.

King Hippo

Against all odds, the [*Redacted] s just might be covering at the half!

Doktor Zymm

Huh, I didn’t really notice when setting my lineup, but I only have Cam going right now. All my other players, including kicker and D are in later games.

I wonder if Mangold and Fitzpatrick will try their luck with the Comstock Lode in the offseason.

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Do you ever see a commercial for CBS comedies and wonder why you weren’t born dumber, so you could enjoy them?

Sill Bimmons

/sad bazinga

Doktor Zymm

*Insert Aaron Rodgers ball control joke here*

Romonobyl

I think we’re all thirteen years old.

Sill Bimmons

I’m concerned for the integrity of her pelvic floor.

Romonobyl

Potential slip hazard.

Romonobyl

Great, I have Fritos but no jalapeno bean dip. THANKS OBAMA!

Horatio Cornblower

Just come up here to UCONN and scream at the cafeteria staff until they cave in and hand over the jalapenos.

I understand that’s the thing to do now.

Doktor Zymm

And I have jalapeno bean dip, but no Fritos.

Nah, I’m lying, I got neither. That sounds good though.

hippofant

Today is apparently the day not to cover your opponent’s leading receiver.

King Hippo

I don;t think the Stillers are very good, guys.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

How was he that fucking wide open? Go screw Steelers!

Smithchez

Sweet playcalls, Chan.

Sill Bimmons

shit

King Hippo

Could use another Carr to CrabtreeDOWN here.

Sill Bimmons

Holy shit Oakland hasn’t had a winning season since 2002.

The Maestro

Thanks, Rich Gannon!

King Hippo

I’M TRENT GREEN!!!!

Smithchez

Saints defenders are spending an lot of time tipping the ball directly to Delanie Walker.

Sill Bimmons

Tip drill in effect in Nawlins.

Romonobyl

Decision time; Take a nap and be fresh for the all-important late game, or watch Green Bay suck more ass?

King Hippo

Isn’t that why Jeebus invented caffeine and blow?

entropy

I like the cut of your jib.

Romonobyl

Already all coffee’d up, random pee screening trumps option #2.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Panthers > Packers

Doktor Zymm

I’m enjoying this GB/Car game. I think my two favorite teams to watch this year are the Panthers and the Cardinals. I’ll still watch the Skins after I stop pretending they’re on bye this week, but that’s more out of duty. Like watching your horrible child’s school play.

John Difool

I made sure I went out and bought a sturdy mouthpiece for the curbstomping today.

Doktor Zymm

At least they play the Giants next week. I’ll be drinking every time they mention one of the Super Bowls.

Doktor Zymm

There are many correct places to put the word “horrible” in that sentence.

You know for such an important state for football, Florida has some shitty professional teams.

Sill Bimmons

I disagree.

Florida State is a very successful franchise.

Smithchez

BLAKE BORTLES BOBBLE

Senor Weaselo

Bortlederp.

Sill Bimmons

Jesus.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Some Bortles-LOLing in the bar

Gratliff

GO FOR IT, GRUMBLELORD

laserguru

I’m going to stand by my strict “no beers before noon” policy.

/smokes bowl.

Sill Bimmons

It’s 2 PM here…

laserguru

11 AM.
And watching the clock.

Doktor Zymm

Don’t you have brunch? Bloody Mary or Mimosa. Micheladas are also acceptable.

entropy

That rule doesn’t say shit about whiskey, vodka, or gin!

Sill Bimmons

Why can’t Gronk’s necrotizing fasciitis come back?

Shogun Marcus

Capers should look into real estate in Charlotte. His house here will be gone shortly.

Gratliff

That was a solid dolphin leap out of Breesus.

Romonobyl

Clinton-Dix sounds like a West Virginia grocery store chain.

King Hippo

Keep Ingram out, damnit