Have you ever wondered what would happen if soccer had the wettest ball-slappiest intersport sex with Australian Rules footy?  No, Rex, that’s not what I’m talking about.  Have I piqued your interest yet?  READ ON!

Welcome to Balls of Steel’s AFL Beat!

So, a few things have happened since Hawthorn captured their third consecutive championship.  There was the usual turnover of old players retiring, being cut (they call it “delisted”), and looking to revive their careers somewhere else.  There was also a Free Agency period, a weird International Rules Series Test against Ireland, and a just concluded (This week!) draft in which there were eight or nine rounds but only 70 picks (do the math.  I’ll wait.) and the debut of a “bidding system” in which draft picks were given a set value by the AFL and traded around like prostitutes at one of Charlie Sheen’s Malibu beach house parties.  We have a lot to cover.

Free Agency

There is a pretty good run-down here on how each of the teams fared in their quest to become the Washington [*Redacted] s of the AFL.  My early impression is that the free agency period is the best way for teams to get better quickly.  As I’ll get to when I discuss the draft, the depth just isn’t there for teams to follow the path of building through the draft that many NFL teams such as the Packers, Steelers, or Patriots choose.  In an interesting twist, players are actually allowed to name which club they want to go play for and then the clubs have to figure out a way to get a trade done so that the player can go to his chosen club.

This, to be honest, blows my mind, but I think it’s awesome!  For example, Adelaide’s Patrick Dangerfield was rumored during the entire season to be headed to Geelong because he grew up there and that’s where his family lives.  Sure enough, the Crows and the Cats worked out a deal to get him there in exchange for draft picks.  Similarly, Geelong was able to get Scott Selwood, brother of Cats captain Joel Selwood, from this year’s Grand Final runners-up, the West Coast Eagles, because HE FUCKING WANTED TO GO TO GEELONG!

Somewhere DeMaurice Smith is asking why I’m writing this post in Russian.

Geelong got the dreaded A+ ranking from the AFL press, but that’s only because every single player that was targeted by the club in free agency ended up signing with the club. Other winners included Essendon (God knows they needed some good news!), Melbourne (Melbourne?  Fucking Melbourne did a good?), and St. Kilda.   Free agency “losers” were deemed to be the GWS Giants who lost a lot of people and only got Geelong castoff but funny motherfucker Steve “Stevie J” Johnson.  (He’s kinda old.) Brisbane didn’t give themselves a chance to escape the Wooden Spoon zone as they lost established players and will have to again rely on their youth growing up and getting better.  Finally and surprisingly, the Western Bulldogs were considered to have a bad free agency period. This is really just because they only got one player and didn’t make any trades.

The First Draft

Huh?  What do you mean the “First” draft?  Well, apparently, there is one draft now in November and another “Pre-season and rookie” draft.

Seriously, WhyEaglesWhy is going to have to chime in and explain this in the comments because I honestly tried to understand what was going on with the draft and I’m just as confused as a horny teenager with a three clasp bra.  There was a new live bidding system and something having to do with fathers and sons and academy products and I can feel you fading out and your eyes glazing over.  Here, let me get your attention back.

The one interesting thing that I learned, however, was the point values that the AFL assigned to draft picks.  Instead of Jimmie Johnson’s fabled pick chart, the AFL actually made an OFFICIAL pick chart so as to regulate all trades.  Again, reason #984 why the AFL is run better than the NFL.  Here is the chart:

International Rules Series Test vs. Ireland

So, this happened:

Yes, that’s a soccer goal slotted in between the two middle uprights of an Australian Rules goal.  Not pictured are the other two poles showing where the behinds would be scored.

The International Rules game is 15-a-side with eight interchange players that has been held yearly between all-star teams from Ireland and Australia.  The Australians send over AFL players that need to adjust to playing with a soccer ball while the Irish send over Gaelic football players that have to adjust to the brutal tackling that the AFL players are used to.

It is played in four 18-minute quarters. A soccer-style goal is set up at either end, each manned by a goalkeeper, with goal posts on top and behind posts to each side. A goal (worth six points) is scored when the ball is kicked or knocked into the net. Sending the ball over the crossbar and between the goalposts is an ‘over’, worth three points, while a behind is just like Australian football – worth one point and kicked between the goal and point posts. Here’s a snapshot of the rules:

• If the ball hits a post and bounces back into play, it’s play on.

•  When the ball goes out of the rectangular field (145m x 90m), there are no boundary throw-ins. A free kick is awarded against the team that last touched the ball.

•  You can’t pick up the ball or drag it in when you’re on your knees

•  The ball must be bounced every 10m on a solo run – with a two-bounce maximum.

•  Tackles can only be between the thighs and shoulders.

•  AFL-style handpasses are permitted, but only four in succession before a player must kick.

•  The referee is also permitted to give yellow cards (10 minutes off the ground) or red cards (sent off for the rest of the game) depending on the extent of a misdemeanour.

Here are some highlights.  I highly recommend you eat an edible, pop a pill, open a bottle, or light up, wait the appropriate amount of time, and then hit play:

If you’re more inclined to have your highlights with some highly NSFW funny language, click play on this video below:

An awesome YouTuber has uploaded the full game.  Tune in, turn on, and drop out while you’re watching the game:

Shit!  I almost forgot!

The Schedule!

The 2016 schedule was also released!  The AFL again used a weighed formula where the better teams play more of the better teams and the crappier teams play more of the crappier teams. Here is a handy chart to show you what I mean:

You can see the interactive schedule here and you can also view a handy PDF with all teams and all Rounds here.  I don’t want to sound like a homer, but holy shit Geelong’s schedule is cake!  This season bodes well…

Start picking your teams, everyone!  Here is a listing of our fans so far:

Commentist – Team

WhyEaglesWhy – Port Adelaide

Sill Bimmons – Sydney Swans

King Hippo – Carlton Blues

SunriseSunrise – North Melbourne Kangaroos

Balls of Steel – Geelong Cats

The pre-season starts shortly after the Super Bowl.  It’s going to be a fun 2016!