Start Or Sit (On Your Face): The DFO Fantasy/Sex Mailbag

The Maestro
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The Maestro

The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn’t in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.
The Maestro
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Mmmm. Tryptophan. A hell of a drug. Hope everybody enjoyed their Thanksgivings yesterday, and kept the hand-to-hand combat to a minimum between yesterday’s family gatherings and today’s moronic Black Friday deals! Anyways, enough shoehorning topical #content into the intro. We need to talk essentials here. My takeaways from yesterday’s matchups:

  • Chip Kelly is an idiot in the NFL and a savant in college. And yet, whoever the next coach the Eagles hire, after they turf his ass at the end of this season and he shuffles off to LSU, is gonna make things so, so much worse. This is as good as it gets, Philadelphia. Savor it.
  • I’m fucking happy I never take Romo as my QB1 in fantasy. HOT TAEK ALERT!!1!1!: if Dallas’ O-line is as good as everyone claims it to be, why is it that Romo continues to miss extended time every season? Still, I unfortunately still have Dez, who’s gonna be completely fucking useless with Matt Cassel throwing to him. Oh well, not like I was making playoffs this year anyhow.
  • Man, Cheeseheads are gonna eat themselves alive this week. I can’t wait to read the internet fallout. It’s gonna be wonderful.

OK, I’ll shut up now. Time for this week’s questions!

Hey Maestro – 

My football question – What do you think about Osweiler? I didn’t pick him up this week, but my Broncos fan buddy did and he swears he’s gonna start him this week over Ryan Tannehill. Do I have the right to laugh at him?

Honestly, that one’s a tossup, because neither of them are remarkable, quite honestly, and I’m saying this as a Tannehill starter myself. The Pats are most likely gonna win again this week, but it won’t be in part due to their pass defense. It’s a bit of a dance for the Broncos: the Pats have a fantastic run D and average pass D, but Denver probably wants to mitigate mistakes on offense; Osweiler went 20/27 for 250 yards, 2 TDs and 0 picks, so it’s not like he played badly at all before. But I still think Tannehill has a bit better chance of beating the Jets than Osweiler does of beating New England, particularly since NY lost Revis with a concussion.

So to answer your question: your buddy may be a homer, but no, you can’t laugh at him for now. Wait until Monday, at least.

Other sex related issue: my fiance is pregnant with our first kid, and things seem to be progressing as normal with the whole pregnancy so far which is really good. However, we’re starting to get to the point in the pregnancy where she’s suddenly feeling horny like all the time again, and she’s often begging for action from me. Personally, though, I feel weird about banging a preggo girl, I just don’t find it that sexy. What can I do to get over this and give her what she desires?


Turkey in the Oven

Well first off, congrats! Having a kid is fantastic. I’m not a parent yet myself, but obviously you’re going into this with a reasonably positive mindset about everything, but I do want to take a minute just to remind you that any misconceptions you have about banging your fiance in her current state are entirely of your own making. You make the mess, you do the cleanup. You know this, though.

I’m no psychologist, but I will ask this in the hopes of trying to figure why it is that you don’t find pregnant women attractive: what specific feature is it that puts you off? Is it the swelling? Is it the belly? If it’s a physical feature, is there something you can do to put that out of sight, out of mind? Clearly I don’t mean putting a bag over anyone’s head, but, I dunno… maybe take her from behind or something? Keep your eyes closed tight during foreplay and just go by sensations instead of sight? I’m not an actual sex guru, either, so maybe my advice is slightly misguided, but maybe those options are worth a try. Overall, though, as with like pretty much every question I get on here, talk to her about what you are thinking about. If she doesn’t know, you can’t solve it. It might be a shitty conversation, but if you have the stones to talk about it at least, she has to respect that.

I picked up Thomas Rawls on my waiver wire last week (suckers!!). You’re sure he’s not gonna be a flash in the pan like Jonas Gray was last year??

I mean, the guy’s almost definitely not gonna do 200 yards again this week, even against a shitty Steelers D, but that doesn’t mean he’s not worth the while. Seattle’s next 3 games are PIT, MIN, BAL. If Darrell Bevell isn’t an idiot, which truthfully I know is asking a LOT from the guy, then Rawls will stand an excellent chance of lighting it up against the Ravens in a few weeks. So even if he’s an average to below-average starter the next two games, I think he’ll make up for that by wrecking Baltimore’s shit. So not a bad pickup at all. Hope it pans out for you.

Hard question this week: my daughter is 19 and overall seems to have a really good head on her shoulders, but right now is infatuated with her boyfriend, who to my eye, just seems lazy and unmotivated and not a good fit for her at all. She has lots of great ambitions and goals – she wants to become a teacher and work with special needs kids. I guess I’m a protective dad and I want her to be happy and successful, but I don’t think that she’s going to accomplish that if she stays with this guy. He’s pleasant enough from a personality standpoint, but doesn’t want to go to school, get any further training, etc. – he mostly just wants to work in the produce section at the grocery store at minimum wage, because the hours are good and he likes his coworkers. She’s an adult and can make her own decisions, but just wondering if you had any thoughts on this at all?

Funny how I got new parent and old parent in the same week this week. Weird coincidences.

This is the tricky thing about kids: they don’t start listening to parents until it’s almost too late. It was true with me, it was probably true with you to some extent, and it’s likely true with a ton of our Commentists as well. Clearly, you love your daughter, and I hope that she loves her family back in the same way… I can’t speak to what exactly your family dynamic is like, but I hope there’s a chance she’s not going to immediately push away once you make your feelings known.

Being a teacher is a noble, noble profession. I am biased as hell of course, being a teacher myself, but the reality is nowadays that if you want to raise a family on a single income, being a teacher is making a hell of a challenge for yourself. Maybe she’s thought of this a little, but being still 19, there’s a good chance she hasn’t as well. So my advice to you is this: you need to bring up the subject very, very lightly.

Frame your queries by beginning the conversation all about her espousing her passion for teaching. The difference she’ll make in kids’ lives, the role she’s playing in making the world a better place, what it means for her to be a nurturing and caring individual. If you can start to have her think long-term in looking ahead… “so once you’re finished school and looking for jobs, what’s your plan? Where are you gonna go?” She needs to be thinking about how she’s gonna find work, where she’ll live, how she’ll make enough money to subsist… perhaps maybe bring the boyfriend question in at this point. “So I know you like this guy a lot… what are his plans looking ahead? Does he support you in your career choice? Do you think he’d be willing to move if it meant staying with you? If so, what’s he going to do for work? How are you guys gonna make a go of this?”

You can’t dump this all on her at once, because that will just make her push back, but you do need to start opening her eyes a little bit to the reality of the situation. I dunno whether she’s living at home with you guys or with him or in a college dorm or whatnot, but this is a tricky age where unfortunately, you can’t put off looking to the future for much longer.

I think that if she has a good head on her shoulders, she’ll be smart enough to come around eventually. You may just have to be patient.

OK, end of a long, long diatribe. Sorry for the long one. Enjoy the rest of your turkey leftovers and new gadgets and gizmos, and good luck with your footballing!


For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football and/or your love life, please send all inquiries to or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).

The Maestro
The Maestro
The Maestro is a mystical Canadian internet user and New England Patriots fan; when the weather is cooperative and the TV signal at his igloo is strong enough, he enjoys watching the NFL, the Ottawa Senators & REDBLACKS, and yelling into the abyss on Twitter. He is somehow allowed to teach music to high school students when he isn't in a blind rage about sports, and is also a known connoisseur of cheap beers across the Great White North.

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Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

Uh yea I’d say the best route with your pregnant wife is definitely just suck it up and help her in any way you can. And I’m not married nor even in a relationship, just basing this on keeping a bro safe.


I don’t understand the hangups about sex with pregnant women. I mean, it was (ideally) YOU that put her in that condition!

I recommend you standing and her on the edge of the bed propped up with pillows. Comfort and passion for all!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“That’s where NFL CTE comes from.”



Admit it, that picture is from a porn parody, isn’t it?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh


King Hippo

Basically, the bae is just an overgrown special needs child. See? The pieces all fit. Just let her figure it out on her own, and try not to rub it in once she does.

Don T

“Children devalue everything.”
-My awesome grandpa


Yeah, definitely tell the pregnant woman you don’t want to have sex with her and expect that to help. :dismissive wanking motion:


Yeah, gotta disagree with Maestro on this one. If you tell your pregnant fiancee that you’re not attracted to her, it will probably be the last time she gets horny for you pregnant or otherwise. It might also be the last time you get to refer to her as “my fiancee.” Maybe some of our uterus-enhanced kommentists can weigh in on this for us?

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

And doggie style isn’t an option when your wife is pregnant; it’s the starting point. Missionary just ain’t gonna happen.

Though chances are, she’s gonna be lazy and just say “let’s spoon.” Then you can turn on the porn in your head (or on your phone) and go to town.


“19? Too old.”


Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

“Having a kid is fantastic. I’m not a parent yet myself”

Statement B explains Statement A.


My missus is going baby crazy she being 32 sees the window closing, I being 39 sees a few more good years ahead of me. Such a conundrum.

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

The chance of your kid being schizophrenic goes way way way up if you father the kid after you turn 40.

If you have the money, go with the frozen-embryo for later IVF route. That way you can get her young eggs and your non-schizophrenic sperm together, and put them in her uterus at a later date if you’re still committed to kids. And if you change your mind and realize how fun life is without kids ruining it, then you just have to figure out what to do with the frozen embryos.