Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Twelve

King Hippo

King Hippo

Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan.Also a proud fookin’ Evertonian.Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child.[Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
King Hippo

Wow, there were some shitty games to close out Thanksgiving Weekend. Fortunately, my mother never taught me “if you can’t come up with something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Apparently, the Saints and Rams were totes jelly of all the attention the Iggles got for their performance on Thursday. “Hey everybody, we don’t give a fuck either!!” We noticed, guys. We noticed. Houston especially was glad for the extra bye week win, in its two team race with the English-led Humps for the AFC South.

Said Humps kept pace, as old man Hasselbeck AND the defense both had pretty excellent games against the somewhat resurgent Bucs. This division champ is likely to be at least .500, after all. /sad trombone

Even sadder trombone for Hippo’s TEAM OF DESTINY, as the NFL’s best homefield advantage wasn’t enough to propel the Jaguras past the mighty Chargers. I’m assuming Boltman hijinks were involved. Stomp, stomp, CLAP!

Sticking with the AFC, there were some interesting Wild Card developments. A phantom holding penalty gave Oakland a second chance, which they turned into a 24-21 win in Nashville. Have all the extra smokes you want, DonT – that shit was rough. Oakland remains at least faintly alive in the playoff chase. A win next week is an absolute must.

As do their division rivals, the boring-assed Chefs, who battled back from a 16-7 deficit at home to fellow Wild Card chaser Buffalo. Kansas City is on quite the hot streak and is also piling up a collection of head-to-head chits that might come in handy. Not impressed, Bills. Looking awfully 8-8.

Nobody does 8-8 quite like the J-E-T-S, but they sure kicked the shit out of Miami. The sea mammals did manage three 4th quarter TDs to make sure you know that they haven’t quit like the Iggles, Saints, and Rams. They just fucking suck.

Sunday was also important in separating the wheat from the chaff in the NFC’s middle class. Specifically, the Vikings…OK, Purple Jesus, beat the Atlanta Falcons like a mildly disobedient pre-schooler. Matt Ryan has turned from a reasonably good NFL starter into an absolute turd (for no rational reason) faster than any QB I can remember.

Might the Washington Redacteds be the one-eyed king in their blind land of a division? Despite ODB’s latest fucking ridiculous TD catch, the Elisha-dug 20-nil hole was to much to overcome and talk radio in our nation’s capitol will be a little more insufferable than usual this week. Just remember that the Panthers are about 25-30 points better than every team in this division, and watch this playoff “race” accordingly. Getting the NFC’s 5th seed is almost as good as landing a bye.

The two late afternoon games were each better than the early nine games (/shakes fist angrily at sky) combined. San Francisco is a weird team. They are nowhere near good, but as Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys might say, they’re frisky, and they certainly were full of piss and vinegar today. But BLEERGH really outdid Himself here, and although I am not one to question His mysterious ways, inexplicably awful calls clearly gave this game to Arizona.

Yinzers went to visit the SeaTruthers – and this one was just bonkers. The Ben throwing The Ball all over The Legion of Meh, especially to Markus Wheaton. Back and forth, matching TDs and missed 2-point conversions. Until Tomlin gets cold feet and inexplicably kicks a FG down 5 with 3 minutes left. FROM THE FUCKING 3. One first down, and the game is over. In a game that has been nothing but offense. And on 3rd and 9…they get not only a FIRST down, but also a TOUCHDOWN. Idiocy gets its proper payoff. 11.5 YPA, 5 TDs, 0 INT for the Charmslinger. That’s pretty damned good.

The less said about SNF the better. Editorial discretion. At least there was SNOW! UPDATE: Yeah, no foolin’…I really DID go to bed at 7-21 and miss the entire premature Festivus Miracle. Now to read about what/how that actually happened. WOO!

King Hippo
King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Holy crap. And here I thought I wanted my funeral to be a bunch of drinking, stories, and laughing.

Wait, I’m not badass enough (or the right ethnicity, frankly) for a Haka.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I just got through being on calls all morning and had no idea that the Donks won last night.

Looks like all the injuries may have finally caught up to the P*ts for a change. They definitely have looked beatable over the last few weeks, I just didn’t think The Os The Ostrich would be the man to do it.

Depending what happens with Gronk’s knee we may have seen the best of the P*ts this season.

Or this is going to put them in Eff You Mode and they’ll run the table the way Daniel LaRusso ran the table on the All-Valley Karate Tournament.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If only someone could fix Gronk’s knee using Mr. Miyagi’s hot hand rub technique!

http://offthemonstersports.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/favre.gif

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Horatio Cornblower

The always reliable interwebs are reporting that Gronk’s MCL and ACL are no longer on speaking terms with the rest of his knee so yeah, that’s the season for him.

Too bad; despite my hatred of the Patriots I like the big dumb sex idiot, and he’s a hell of a football player.

Horatio Cornblower

Of course upon looking for the cite for that little bit of knowledge I can’t find it but did find a bunch of other stories saying GRONK WILL BE OK, so really, who fucking knows?

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons
Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, I think Gronk is the most likable player on New England, by a country mile.

Of course, that’s like saying chlamydia is the mildest STD, by a country mile, but still…

He does tend to OPI quite a bit, though. I always figured he got away with it because the refs look at the big dumb oaf and think, “To him, that’s barely touching,” while the 5’10” 185-lb DB goes flying back 3 yards.

Senor Weaselo

Gronk gets to tend the rabbits during practice.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t see how his wife’s appearance has anything to do with it. Tiger Woods’ wife was goddamned HRGGGHHH! and he clearly wanted to bang any and every blonde within sight. You know, cause of his “sex addition”.

Cuntler
Cuntler

Pictured: Tiger Wood’s sex addition.

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Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

I dunno. His wife is some sort of in-super-shape triathlete. But then again, she had breast cancer and maybe her funbags aren’t quite up to his (inflated) standards the way Miss Sterger’s were (emphasis on the past tense, as she apparently got her implants removed. Her “journalism” career was similarly removed at the same time, apparently).

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

You know, the Greatriots are just the sort of team that would bitch about getting their knee swept, and then violate the explicit rules of “no kicks to the head.”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Bostonians would produce an army of lawyers to state that there was no kick and that we can’t prove that it was not a bunch of imposters in Patriots jersey who delivered the non-existent kick.

They will also include several quantum physicists and philosophers who will argue that neither kicks nor heads actually exist.

blaxabbath

YA GONNA HAVE INESTINE ROLLIN OVAH IN HIS GRAVE TO MAKE THAT CALL ON THE HUNDRETH BIRTHDAY OF THE THEORY OF RELATIVAHTAY! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

theeWeeBabySeamus

This just in…Arlington TX is about to get all classed up for Xmas.
That’s right, assholes…we may suck at teh jv footy, but the rest of the country just got served.
So….yeah.
http://www.technicianonline.com/features/article_531f2674-971f-11e5-9e79-631d28036b1d.html
“Kylee Wideman, captain of the NC State Dance Team and a senior studying polymer and color chemistry, dreams of one day becoming a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader.

As an effort to pursue her dreams, Wideman sent an audition video of the dance team to “Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team,” a reality show on CMT. The show chose the NC State Dance Team as the “best college dance team,” earning the members the opportunity to perform with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders Dec. 19 at the AT&T Stadium in Arlington, Texas.”

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Anyone else considering worship of Bleergh after last night?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

You have displeased Beergh by spelling his name incorrectly. Fifteen yard penalty!

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

BEELRGH WILL SMITE YOU BOTH FOR IMPROPER CAPITALIZATION

Beerguyrob

Remember, it’s a Trinity. We can have them all.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Horatio Cornblower

Why not? If you’re going to have a dumpster fire anyway a little gasoline isn’t going to make it any worse.

blaxabbath

Just go get JFF now. Why wait until the offseason?

Lothar of the Hill People
Lothar of the Hill People

Rumor is that JJ is going to trade 2 first-round picks and Matt Cassell to the Browns. He’s apparently impressed with JFF’s ability to come out of rehab with “his guns blazing,” so to speak, and his ability to shut his girlfriend’s whore mouth while maintaining control of his vehicle.

laserguru

I almost never watch the NFL pre game shows for obvious reasons but yesterday I had time to kill before the first game. That dipshit hillbilly dick head Terry Bradshaw said the Vikings won’t be able to run against the Falcons defense and the Falcons would win the game as a result.
Eat shit you inbred cracker – ass fuck stick.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You seem…… bitter.

Terry has a good 5% success rate on these type of prognostications!

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

She would agree…

jjfozz

He’s got shingles of the brain.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

You need to stop editing yourself and tell us how you really feel.

jjfozz

I also enjoyed watching this video, because I appreciate angry, muscle-headed maniacs with balls the size of coconuts going off on the NFL. No homo, bro.

Duchess

Remember that episode of South Park where the boys want to stop playing baseball and enjoy the summer, but the other teams won’t let them lose. That reminds me of the NFC East and the [*Redacteds].

laserguru

“Go Cows”.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal
jjfozz

Family was watching the Jets game, because we live in Baltimore and had nothing to do, so when the Jets scored I jumped up and did the JETS cheer, right in my little sister’s face.

Scared the hell out of her and made her youngest daughter cry.

I was surprisingly sober when this occurred.

His Right Honorable Lord Lordship the Lordly

Congratulations, you have properly exercised our fanbase’s propensity for verbal belligerence towards women. Welcome aboard!

Cuntler
Cuntler

Hopefully you didn’t start chanting the other Jets fan favorite: “SHOW US YOUR TITS!”

Enrico Pallazzo

I have to apologize for my [*Redacteds] enough as is–I’m not doing it because we might win our division. Deal with it, butthorns.

blaxabbath

It will be dealt with, in the playoffs.

monty this seems strange to me

Yeah, the NFC East winner is going to end up playing someone like GB or SEA in the wild card game.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Butthorn is very accurate considering last night’s dinner and snacks.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

Deal with what?

It’s going to be hilarious.

monty this seems strange to me

Also, is it just me or does Osweiler have a bit of an odd throwing motion? Almost Rivers-like, but not as floaty.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s the altitude. The air is thinner where he releases it, so it looks weird.

monty this seems strange to me

Surprised NBC didn’t have some graphic about Osweiler playing in Denver being the highest combination of QB height plus feet-above-sea-level in NFL history.

Bloody Lethal
Bloody Lethal

I’ve always enjoyed watching him sling it since back with AZ State. Boy did he put two good throws out there on that last drive before OT.

Don T

Osweiler seems to have an odd windup, yet doubted it when NBC highlighted his quick release in some throws. (I thought that montage was the exception.) Brock did throw to D. Thomas as if he also were 7′ tall.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It is somewhat odd, but it is fairly efficient; he doesn’t need the big wind-up. He does throw on a rope and has a very strong arm. Take a look at both passes to Sanders; in the bucket.

Horatio Cornblower

For a guy that tall he seems to have a fair amount of short passes blocked at the line. I’m no expert but I wonder if his height forces him to throw those types of passes on somewhat of a downward angle.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I didn’t watch.

blaxabbath

re: San Francisco/BLEERRGGGH

Aside from the fact that the refs did indeed suck, SF was challenging the refs to throw a flag nearly every play. Examples:

1) The John Brown ineligible receiver TD — dude’s 175 lbs and was getting thrown out of bounds well after 5 yards. Of course he’s gonna have to come back in bounds. In fact, the SF DBs were jamming everyone at 10 yards past the LOS.

2) ST Chest Stomp — I don’t know the names of the players on SF anymore because it’s Navarro Bowman and a bunch of second stringers. But that dude who tackled Marcus Golden on the punt block, put knees on him, and then had to be pulled away from the pile should have totally gotten 15 yards. Fucked up thing is that, if Bethel had come in and “removed” him rubgy-style, it would have been 15 yards against Bethel. Also, the offending SF player was the one called for the declined DPI (or illegal use of hands, whatever, same activities) when SF got flagged for their players standing on the sideline paint and the ref running into them. Sloppy shit, Tomsula. It wasn’t even like a Tomlin-style chasing-the-play-and-lost-track-of-my-footing situation. Just a couple dudes watching the game and standing on the line. You see that shit happen in NE and the offending player is cut the next week #PatriotWay #DoYourJob #MomsGoHere

3) Final 3rd Down Sack Holding — ARI’s pass rush was not great yesterday. That said, SF was holding on every single play. Watching the last 3rd down (where Blaine Gilbert took a bad sack instead of getting rid of the ball and setting them up for 4th and 20), the left guard was literally just hanging on Minter like a safety trying to take down a RB. That shit was common throughout the game.

And, yes, I am a total homer.

Horatio Cornblower

No homer.

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

I didn’t watch this either.

monty this seems strange to me

I feel bad for Tom Brady. That guy just can’t get a break in life.

blaxabbath

I wish I had a doctor friend who could cure AIDS.

Don T

That Broncos game was the third straight Game of the Season, in SNF. Brock also has a goofy Edward Cullen vibe which I will ride relentlessly at home to entice The Family to watch Bronco games instead of, say, Finding Carter repeats or sigh double sigh PTL reruns.
That Raiders game was heavily sponsored by Philip Morris, proud partner of Titans palooka football. On the lighter side, both 4 PM games were great. But since there were only two, I did some research on Tennessee’s football operations–from prospect evaluation up to roster building and game planning. I even found a short video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AE1wKlrKW3w

Sill Bimmons
Sill Bimmons

M-O-O-N, that spells Edward Cullen!

Doktor Zymm

I said someone should go wake you up, but it turns out internet doesn’t actually work like that. There’s nothing like a little Patriotsfreude with your morning coffee!

ballsofsteelandfury

We may need to revisit Dok’s ref analysis because HOLY SHIT there was some horrible officiating yesterday!

I’m no Pats fan, but even I’ll say they may have a bit of a point today. Calls they’ve received all year didn’t get called. It was nice, but highly questionable.

Either way, Brock has 6′ 9″ (nice! ) testicles. I really hope this is his team now. Peyton needs to fade into the sunset.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The calls were technically correct. The Broncos defense has had similar very close calls all year. The OPI against Gronk has not been called much until this year; he runs head on into a defender who has established his position, pushes him and turns for the pass; this is something he has done since he started and has gotten away with. The bitching is expected, but without merit.

http://45.media.tumblr.com/5ae99f0b4e1c149b66e61a8901307575/tumblr_niyuetj9Ah1rbrhnko1_500.gif

ballsofsteelandfury

Hence my point about not getting the calls they usually get. I’m not saying they were correct before. The problem, as always, is consistency. Call it one way or another, but be fucking consistent about it.

Horatio Cornblower

The calls against Gronk and Chung were weak, if technically, (very, very technically), correct. Gronk’s done much worse to get PI in the past; this one was little more than an elbow shrug and he didn’t even extend his arm. Chung’s PI was there but if that’s going to be pass interference then there’s really no point in even trying to play man to man anymore.

That said, it was the Patriots so fuck ’em.

But seriously, overall the officiating this year has been terrible. The NFL, (OR CONGRESS!!), needs to do something because right now pretty much any losing team can point to the refs and probably have a valid argument.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let me say something conciliatory; FUCKING HORSESHIT. With Gronk your are trusting what Collinsworth said and not what was visible on the screen; he pushed off. Granted it is getting more subtle since they have called it more this year and it is not near as bad as he’s gotten away with in the past (like I said). The one on Chung shows that you were not paying attention as it was defensive holding, not pass interference. While I agree the amount of the hold was minimal and should have not been called, it has been called in most games I’ve watched this year; eight times against the Donks in a very similar manner, where there is a grab of the arm or shoulder pad and the receiver turns slightly. The rule is plain on contact vs. grabbing or holding. It is, as Balls said, called very inconsistently.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But seriously, anyway. Bitching constantly about the referees is complaining about the symptom rather than the causes. Fat ass fans sit on their couches and talk about “TERRIBLE” calls when they see it in super-slo-mo from four different angles, have no idea what the rules really are, and are homer complaining (like I do). Let’s start with the rule book; to “fix” things they add more rules instead of making it simpler, add more complexity to the rule book, thus adding more interpretation.

We hear this bitching every year, even the fucking idiotic “the replacement ref’s were better!” The refs are better trained, spend more time than they have in the past, and are punished, scrutinized, and rated far more than they have ever been. According to data approximately 50% of the teams playing lose, both sides are paid to be competitive; HOWEVER fans don’t seem to understand this and are more fanatical than in the past in terms of needing someone/ thing to blame and the officiating is the easy target. Let’s simplify the rule book, then see how technology can help them, not make them second guess everything they do.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re right but go fuck yourself.

The simplest solution would seem to be simplifying the rule book and spending some of those billions the NFL brings in each year to hire full-time referees.

$250,000-$300,000 a ref, (I believe comparable to what senior MLB umpires make), seems like a lot for 16 weeks but less so when the NFL nets BILLIONS a year.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

What will full time refs do? MLB is a terrible example; the officiating is way worse than the NFL; moving strike zones and obvious non-overturned calls with replay. Of course it doesn’t compare to NBA for homer/ star player calls.

What are they going to do for the other six months? It wouldn’t make any difference IMO.
If you want to spend their money maybe former player medical care would be a better start. That and a Moose bonus.

Cheers.