Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week Twelve

Wow, there were some shitty games to close out Thanksgiving Weekend. Fortunately, my mother never taught me “if you can’t come up with something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Apparently, the Saints and Rams were totes jelly of all the attention the Iggles got for their performance on Thursday. “Hey everybody, we don’t give a fuck either!!” We noticed, guys. We noticed. Houston especially was glad for the extra bye week win, in its two team race with the English-led Humps for the AFC South.

Said Humps kept pace, as old man Hasselbeck AND the defense both had pretty excellent games against the somewhat resurgent Bucs. This division champ is likely to be at least .500, after all. /sad trombone

Even sadder trombone for Hippo’s TEAM OF DESTINY, as the NFL’s best homefield advantage wasn’t enough to propel the Jaguras past the mighty Chargers. I’m assuming Boltman hijinks were involved. Stomp, stomp, CLAP!

Sticking with the AFC, there were some interesting Wild Card developments. A phantom holding penalty gave Oakland a second chance, which they turned into a 24-21 win in Nashville. Have all the extra smokes you want, DonT – that shit was rough. Oakland remains at least faintly alive in the playoff chase. A win next week is an absolute must.

As do their division rivals, the boring-assed Chefs, who battled back from a 16-7 deficit at home to fellow Wild Card chaser Buffalo. Kansas City is on quite the hot streak and is also piling up a collection of head-to-head chits that might come in handy. Not impressed, Bills. Looking awfully 8-8.

Nobody does 8-8 quite like the J-E-T-S, but they sure kicked the shit out of Miami. The sea mammals did manage three 4th quarter TDs to make sure you know that they haven’t quit like the Iggles, Saints, and Rams. They just fucking suck.

Sunday was also important in separating the wheat from the chaff in the NFC’s middle class. Specifically, the Vikings…OK, Purple Jesus, beat the Atlanta Falcons like a mildly disobedient pre-schooler. Matt Ryan has turned from a reasonably good NFL starter into an absolute turd (for no rational reason) faster than any QB I can remember.

Might the Washington Redacteds be the one-eyed king in their blind land of a division? Despite ODB’s latest fucking ridiculous TD catch, the Elisha-dug 20-nil hole was to much to overcome and talk radio in our nation’s capitol will be a little more insufferable than usual this week. Just remember that the Panthers are about 25-30 points better than every team in this division, and watch this playoff “race” accordingly. Getting the NFC’s 5th seed is almost as good as landing a bye.

The two late afternoon games were each better than the early nine games (/shakes fist angrily at sky) combined. San Francisco is a weird team. They are nowhere near good, but as Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys might say, they’re frisky, and they certainly were full of piss and vinegar today. But BLEERGH really outdid Himself here, and although I am not one to question His mysterious ways, inexplicably awful calls clearly gave this game to Arizona.

Yinzers went to visit the SeaTruthers – and this one was just bonkers. The Ben throwing The Ball all over The Legion of Meh, especially to Markus Wheaton. Back and forth, matching TDs and missed 2-point conversions. Until Tomlin gets cold feet and inexplicably kicks a FG down 5 with 3 minutes left. FROM THE FUCKING 3. One first down, and the game is over. In a game that has been nothing but offense. And on 3rd and 9…they get not only a FIRST down, but also a TOUCHDOWN. Idiocy gets its proper payoff. 11.5 YPA, 5 TDs, 0 INT for the Charmslinger. That’s pretty damned good.

The less said about SNF the better. Editorial discretion. At least there was SNOW! UPDATE: Yeah, no foolin’…I really DID go to bed at 7-21 and miss the entire premature Festivus Miracle. Now to read about what/how that actually happened. WOO!