Your NFC North “Race To The Middle” Open Thread

On a super lousy  shitty type day there was some quality distractification going on in last night’s open thread. My thanks to all those who took part. It was badly needed. Hey!-speaking of distractification…

GB @ Det: Here be two teams struggling in their own respective ways to get to 8-8. Neither will get there. Rodgers has done the gentle call-out to his receivers, saying “We’re not on the same page”. Apparently the Packers WR’s are on page 634 of Infinite Jest and Aaron is perusing GQ “for the articles!”. Over the last three games QB Stafford has been playing like a guy that was drafted really high and is expected to lift an entire franchise out of the doldrums. His new “No more gravyshakes/whipped chocolate pizza/slaughterhouse tasting menu/raw dough and Miracle Whip smoothie/post-game athletic cup tequila shooters” diet is starting to pay dividends! If only we fans of the game were capable of such discipline… The new OC The Jim Bob has worked wonders with the rushing game. Did you know that since he grabbed the reins the Lions have averaged 18 more yards per game in that category? I hope you were sitting down when I socked you with that knowledge. Who’d a thunk that was the difference between stinking and winning? Statisticians at ESPN, that’s who.

 

 

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jjfozz

“Sheldon and Amy go all the way”

Excuse while I go and stick my face into a bowl of sulfuric acid

litre_cola

Fat guy vulturedown please.

...

If I wake up tomorrow and see the Lions shutout the Packers, I’m going to wonder whether I’m still under the influence of something I inadvertently consumed tonight.

...

Oh good. That was close.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh my God, this game is more flaccid than Buddy’s cock in a Victoria’s Secret!

WCS

I tell you, it’s so heartwarming to see rich white people able to give each other luxury cars for the holidays. Really speaks to me and my $40k in student loan debt.

King Hippo

BLOOD FOAR THE BLOOD GODS!!

entropy

If there’s anyone who deserves a merry Christmas full of expensive gifts, it’s the oft-neglected rich white people demographic.

King Hippo

Really, it’s like THEY who are discriminated against now, amirite???

American Pie Story

STOP PERSECUTING US!!!!!11!11

JustStopDude

What kid at that age gives a fucking shit if Santa brought mom a new Lexus?!?

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Doktor Zymm’s worst decision is so obvious, I don’t even have to ask.

Signing up for an account here, duh.

King Hippo

Hey there Mister RB nobody played or knew about!

King Hippo

The first step in blowing 20-0 lead? Giving up 3rd and 10.

Doktor Zymm

Most Fridays I go to the gym at 5:30 am for an hour. Tomorrow I am working from home and thus can go to the gym at 7:00 am for an hour instead. It seems I am taking this as license to drink more than what I deem moderate or prudent. Eh, It’s been a while since I worked out hungover, it’ll be okay.

PS. Ask me about my past poor decisions!

Col. Duke LaCross

So what kind of poor decisions have you made in the past?

WCS

I work from home everyday hungover!

Sharkbait

“PS. Ask me about my past poor decisions!”

Do we want to go down the rabbit hole?

Senor Weaselo

What happened the last time you worked out hungover?

King Hippo

Hey, Dok? Tell us about your 4th most past poor decision?

Shogun Marcus

Aaaaaaannnnnd then?

Doktor Zymm

There was a time in the past where I was dating an alcoholic Pat’s fan who was living with me. In the course of one month, I gained 10-15 lbs, mostly because I was drinking every day from shit dude brought home with him. I also have some fun stories of what are the best frozen veggies to use in place of ice when you have no ice for your drink. (Hint. Peas.) Anyway. I still kept up my workout regimen during this time, but I became notorious for showing up to 9:30 am weekday workouts hung really, really over.

Shogun Marcus

Bravo! For your scientific research and escape.

American Pie Story

I’ve found that cautionary tales are the best lessons.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

You know who else spread harmony, Microsoft? Charlie Sheen

JustStopDude

Sooooo….who all is staying up for the Farve return documentary after the game?

...

Why is the baseball stadium lit? You can’t baseball in December.

King Hippo

So all the copper wiring doesn’t get looted?

litre_cola

So people dont sleep in the outfield?

Shogun Marcus

Detroit: not even poverty wants to be left in the dark at night.

entropy

There was a really awesome photo essay done a few years ago in Detroit when they were at the nadir of their public lighting; basically, all the streets were lot by a,Vientiane light from houses, storefronts, cars, etc. The photos were all taken in winter and the place looked hellish.

I gotta find that link again.

entropy

Ambient light. What the fuck happened to me there?

jjfozz

When you find it, please send it to me

litre_cola

The fuck was that Microsoft ad?

entropy

Is there something wrong with me that the Microsoft “spread harmony” ad fills me with incoherent rage?

American Pie Story

Evidently not

entropy

Yay for poor social adjustment skills!

Sharkbait

There is no way this microsoft commercial happened.

bourb0nblues

UCLA up 15 on Kentucky, 2nd half.

jjfozz

Microsoft vs Apple Christmas gang war

Fuck you. fuck all of you.

Senor Weaselo

Linux wins!

jjfozz

Reading a book about the death of Jon Benet Ramsey – unbelievable how the Boulder police fucked that up

JustStopDude

Small town cops are pretty good at shit like that…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Yeah preserving evidence procedures went out the window on that one…

American Pie Story

That’s fucked up on so many levels. That poor little girl.

entropy

Most of the homes in Bethlehem have old coal rooms in the cellar that I call “Jon Benet Rooms” because they are usually forgotten and contain something awful.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I had a Ford in my late 20s. He was a lot like the car: decent mileage, and a leather interior.

WCS

Will my prediction of the Lions blowing a 20-0 third quarter lead come to fruition? Call my hotline now, $4.99 for the first minute, $2.99 for each additional minute!

litre_cola

How fast do you talk? Are you a prince from Nigeria?

Recovery Whiskey

MY 5 STAR LOCK OF THE WEEK

Whatever happened to Las Vegas tout infomercials?

JustStopDude

comment image

jjfozz

Are you wearing a neon blue teddy and matching shoes?

Col. Duke LaCross

That fan’s sign was both inspirational and sad as hell at the same time!

JustStopDude

9-7…that’s a pretty sad dream…

jjfozz
entropy

I LOVED my shogun warriors as a kid.

jjfozz

Those glasses on Ms. Ford’s face hide bottomless, soulless holes that will burn your brain to a cinder if you glance into them.

WCS

Three consecutive days at the gym (hey, loogit that, I’m actually following my diet!), and The Sore is sinking in. I really should get around to training my cats to bring me bourbon.

American Pie Story

Way to go WCS! Good luck with the cat thing.

Doktor Zymm

I go to the gym most days before work. Don’t bother, you feel better and can do more pushups, but your body adapts. Also, the problem with cats or drones or anything, lack of opposable thumbs. How will the cat open the bottle? You have to set up taps, and that’s a recipe for the cat just leaning against the tap and bleeding away your alcoholic gold.

WCS

That’s why you’re the Doktor, and I’m the geography talklin’ guy.

...

I can tell you’ve actually expended energy thinking about this and I totally understand why.

Shogun Marcus

“We thought we fired coach caldwell. Based on his reaction we thought he understood. Now we’re too terrified to tell him again.” ~martha ford

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

When I was a teenager, the only thing redeeming about Pittsburgh was being able to stare at Tony Dorsett’s ass every week on TV.

Oh and don’t get Buddy started on that bear John Hannah! Mmmmmmmm.

entropy

Look man, this is America and you can say whatever you want, but when you say such outrageous shit as there being ANYTHING redeeming about Pittsburgh, I gotta call you on your shit.

WCS

Hey, hey, HEY. No, wait, you’re right.

JustStopDude

comment image

jjfozz

Another Xmas memory. My mother’s father giving me sherry on Christmas Day, and getting me buzzed. And me throwing up halfway home as my father yelled at my mother for letting my grandfather get me tipsy on sherry.

Maybe it was Budweiser. That memory is cloudy.

JustStopDude

“Looks like a Packer”

Cause he is White….

Doktor Zymm

I thought it was only Kris Kross who would make you wanna jump?

WCS

I thought it was only Cypress Hill that was insane in the membrane.

Doktor Zymm

That is the straight up truth. Though if you ask a string theorist, “Ain’t got no brane” has a totes diff meaning.

jjfozz

House of Pain will also make you want to jump. But only if you’re Irish and live in Boston. And horribly drunk.

entropy

Do not discount House of Pain. They will make you get out yo seat and Jump Around.

JustStopDude

Bush campaign commercial…

We still trying to make Bush III a thing?!?

entropy

JEB!!!!!! Fever. Catch it. Then get inoculated, because that shit’ll kill you.

Sharkbait

I went to college in New Hampshire. Election years are the fucking WORST up there. Glad I left.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Coldplay at the Super Bowl is like Gore Vidal at a Rodeo!

I’d rather watch the Lingerie Bowl than Coldplay at Buddy’s Bar, and I’m as gay as a naked romp through Augusta on Palm Sunday, honey!

King Hippo

Rodeo Gore Vidal is the best laugh I’ve had all week. And makes me wish I was better at photoshop.

...

“Gore Vidal at a rodeo” is a fantastic assembly of words.

litre_cola

What kind of swinger house is this?

Senor Weaselo

Least likely artist to play the Super Bowl. I’m gonna start off with DMX.

And go!

Sharkbait

I.C.P

JustStopDude

Lemmy…

He would never agree to do it.

bourb0nblues

Iron Maiden!

litre_cola

Yoko Ono

jjfozz

tom Waits

WCS

The Ramones

entropy

The corpse of Stevie Ray Vaughn.

King Hippo

Ween!

Col. Duke LaCross

Children of Bodom

Col. Duke LaCross

Clutch

...

Kanye West.

Good God, imagine white America losing its shit.

American Pie Story

Kanye would perform and make us bow down to the Kardashians.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Janis Joplin

jjfozz

News reports saying shooter had been in contact with radicals that were under surveillance by the FBI

Luckily, I know my fellow Americans will take this news in stride and wait for confirmation, and more proof, before responding with reasonable, well thought out dialogue.

...

Hahahaha. WE’RE SO FUCKED.

entropy

FUCK YOU TRUMP IZ RIGHT DEPORT ALL THE MEXICANS ISLAM IS HATE MORE SKIN ON HBO SHOOT ALL THE LAWYERS!!!! THIS IS L H PUTTGRASS, HEADING FOR THE TUB! ALERT TED KOPPEL.

Beastmode Ate My Baby

ITS A RED FLAG OP TO TAKE OUR GUNZ!!!
-everyone with an NRA membership

...

I absolutely LOVE the false flag claims. That’s just such a fantastic level of denial I don’t think I could ever come close it.

Recovery Whiskey

+1 crying girl crisis actor

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Fucking square root of two. I always knew he was a piece of shit.

King Hippo

huh, you wouldn;t think a scoreless 2nd quarter would be THAT odd

WCS

WEIRD

entropy

The Browns don’t play Miami often enough for people to get used to that sort of thing.

entropy

What second half adjustments will we see from Green Bay? For starters, they will begin playing football instead of whatever the fuck THAT was, and Rodgers promises to warm his hands up before stroking the center’s ball sack.

jjfozz

Yes, I have stumbled in there a few times.

Recovery Whiskey

So in Seattle anyway we currently have at least 4 Marshawn Lynch local ads. 2 for car dealers, 2 for pest control. He’s on TV more than Jake from State Farm. Has more speaking roles too.

Senor Weaselo

He’s just about that ad space…

…boss.

WCS

He’s just there so he gets paid.

litre_cola

Its in San Fran? Well Santa Clara, roll out Journey and the chinese guy.

Sharkbait

Oh good. Another daily fantasy site.

entropy

Xvideos?

litre_cola

If I could like this more I would.

...
Beastmode Ate My Baby

Cold-fucking-play?

OK, it’s clear the NFL just flat-out hates and despises us now.

King Hippo

aye, tis a cold and unfeeling world

American Pie Story

hey people

King Hippo

g’day fair lady

Sharkbait

Springsteen crotch slide into the camera > Coldplay.

Shogun Marcus

I cannot live in a world where Jim Caldwell has fee-fees.
Also…coldplay.
The NFL…we feel the pulse…of a rotten corpse.

entropy

Essentially, they determine who will play any given super bowl halftime by looking at the top ten pop artists of 7-10 years prior to the Super Bowl itself, depending on the median age of who stayed in the halftime committee meeting after all the donuts were gone.

Senor Weaselo

7 is generous.

...

Listening to Coldplay makes me think of the feeling of my own urine running down my leg.

entropy

Whatever Martha Ford is saying in Detroit, it is working!

“If you fuckers don’t start winning soon I will shoot one member of your family in the fucking head for every point scored against us. Don’t believe me? This is DETROIT. No one will even investigate, let alone convict me.”

Doktor Zymm

Seems legit.

entropy

To be fair, I would admire the honesty and sheer aggressiveness on behalf of an owner.

ThursdaySkyGoddess

I’d rather see that marching band perform at the Super Bowl.

Doktor Zymm

THIS

litre_cola

Shit yeah, battle of the bands style!

jjfozz

Most vivid Christmas memory ever: going to bed, with those kick ass electric candles in the window that made your room all bright and warm, and listening to my mom outside on the sidewalk, speaking to a neighbor while they both smoked cigarettes. They were comparing cookie recipes and gabbing about Xmas preparations.

So vivid and comforting – and it has nothing to do with presents. Weird, because I was a greedy little fuck.

Recovery Whiskey

Looks like that nyquil’s kicking in

Doktor Zymm

Where you from?

jjfozz

Baltimore

Doktor Zymm

I knew that, but needed confirmation. You ever go to Sidebar?

jjfozz

Yes, I have stumbled into that place a few times.

Doktor Zymm

I have drank/injured myself or others/almost been arrested there enough that I’ll always love it. Should you want to grab a beer there some time in the week before X-mas I’ll be in town, let me know.