I felt inspired by yesterday’s post by Monty about the absolutely horrific announcing teams we are subjected to each week and so I decided to do a visual essay of the eye-candy the networks stick on the sidelines to get meaningless halftime reports, meaningless injury updates, and meaningless suppositions about what happens on the field.  At least they’re pretty.  Sort of.  Let’s begin:

You know, it’s nice that this position is no longer dominated by pretty blondes who have no brain…..oh wait.  Never mind.

There is something…off about Tracy.  She seems perfectly nice and knowledgeable about the game but she has that crazy girl look like you say the wrong thing and she will FUCKING SNAP YOUR DICK OFF! Do not piss off this woman.  I think she could probably make Eli cry if she wanted to.

This is Chris Fischer.  I too did not know he existed.  Who the fuck burned his eyebrows off?  Probably that guy behind him.  I bet Goose could crush him with his pinky.

I guess this is where we begin with the female blondes.  Jamie Erdahl emerged from the Boston sports scene to grab a sideline reporter role for CBS.  This is the most flattering picture I could find in a simple Google Image Search.  In the others, she looks like she could be related to Peyton and not in the adorable Eli way.

That’s right, I’m back baby.  You like the blonde eyebrows, don’t you?  Yeah, I see it.  I see it good.

I guarantee that Evan Washburn erotic fan fiction is a thing.  Gua-Ran-Teed.

Erin took over the primo sideline gig with Joe Buck and Troy Aikman in announcing Dallas Cowboys and other NFC East games.  Which, at first seemed like a good idea, but 1) you get games like the one screencapped in the picture above and 2) it triggered an uncomfortable rift with Pam Oliver, who ended up relegated to another “lesser” announcing team. Hey, at least Erin can get Troy all the coke he wants!

Yeah, Pam kinda got the raw end of that deal.  Now she gets to hang out with John Lynch and Kevin Burkhardt.  Seems fun…

Laura is lucky she works Fox games because that minimizes the chances of getting a Patriots game.  The GrumbleLord would grumble the hell out of her.

Kristina Pink has a porn star name.  I have no idea why some actress in the Valley hasn’t named herself Krystina Pink, Krystyna Pink, or any other variation thereof.  BTW, the cameraman is kind of a dick in the above gif.  I mean, at least give her a warning, no?

Jennifer Hale, I hope, doesn’t normally dress like this.  Richard Sherman doesn’t scare her, so she’s got that over Erin Andrews.  She seems very friendly.  She has a nice friendly eager to please and do a good job face.  Very First In-Last Out.  No, none of those are supposed to be sexual innuendos, you perverts!

The one, the only, the legend.  I don’t know who had the balls to put Goose on the sideline, but I hope they got a nice healthy bonus out of it.  Goose is stuck on the lower announcing team tier, which is probably for the best.  I’m not sure if the country is ready for that much man.

“Don’t you DARE fucking point that camera anywhere else but my face you worthless piece of dickcheese!  I will have your balls for breakfast and shit them out into your mouth!”   What can I say, the woman scares me.

Holy shit, this douchebag is a sideline announcer?!? What hole did Scott Kaplan climb out of?  This week’s game is in San Diego too.  I bet you this douchenozzle wears the same glasses this weekend.  I fucking bet you.

Wait, Jay Feely, the old kicker, is a sideline reporter now?  When did this happen?  Thank God for Andrew Siciliano for the RedZone Channel because I have happily gone a lot of time without knowing this fact.  Is he any good?  He kinda looks like a dick.  Like the type of know-it-all dick that tells you what the next play is going to be, gets it wrong, and then blames the coach for picking a stupid play.

Michelle Tafoya has always seemed really nice.  She’s pretty, too, but in the way like in high school where there was a cool fun girl that was pretty and cool and into sports, but she didn’t get attention from the boys because she wasn’t flat out gorgeous like the homecoming queen or a big slut like the head of the cheerleading squad.  She just kinda went through high school doing her thing and didn’t really bloom until she met mature people.  At least that’s my impression, I could be wrong.

How Lisa Salters got the prime Monday Night Football spot with Jon Gruden and Mike Tirico is beyond me.  Maybe Tirico thought he could bone her if she got the gig?  Don’t get me wrong, she is perfectly competent for a sideline reporter.  I’m just shocked they didn’t go for the blonde Barbie type.  Good for her.

Those are your sideline reporters for this week.  Please feel free to add in the comments your favorite JV footbaw reporters that will undoubtedly take these people’s jobs in the near future.