Hippo Thoughts – Week 15

These be all half-hearted again, as Denver shit the second half bed even more mightily this week, losing the 2nd half 21-0 in Yinzburgh. All 3 AFC Wild Card contenders (well, 4 if you count Denver now that they are in the midst of blowing the division to the Chefs with one more loss) are on a collision course for 11-5. The Ben proves once and for all that he’s as immune to defensive matchups in the secondary as he is to consent requirements in the lavatory.

Kansas City beat the shit out of Balmer, with the Emu tossing two Schaubs. Attendance at this game should have counted as community service.

Naturally, the P*ts cruised at home (without looking good at all) against the Titans, even kicking a completely unnecessary garbage time FG to cover the spread. The AFC playoffs will be a bed of fucking roses for these fuckwits.

Speaking of the AFC playoffs, Cincy did manage its first Red Rocket-less win, on the road in Santa Clara. Two garbage time scores made it look closer than it was, 24-14. AJ McCarron was perfectly competent, and he gets the reeling Broncos next week with the #2 seed on the line.

Houston’s imaginary team won for the first time ever in Fat Hump Land. All it took was a little Doopy Pantz. That’s gotta sting, Cowboys fans. With the Jaguras losing to the shitty Falcons at home, the Texans are in great shape for the #4 seed and a severe Wild Card weekend home beating.

It’s gonna be silly just how near-unanimous the MVP voting will be. Cam Newton put on a show building a 35-7 lead in Jersey, then after the G-Men miraculously came back to tie the game at 35, coolly led his team down the field for the winning field goal. Cam made some of the most beautiful passes you will ever see in that game, especially his last toss to Ginn (who amazingly caught it). Life support time for Old Man Coughlin and his team (micro and macro-level).

From the mire of mediocrity, the Redacteds continued their run to near-respectability by blasting the Bills. Buffalo is definitely plummetting in the opposite direction. Bad, bad football team.

Somebody say bad football team? HAI Dolphins. San Diego had a little pride left for the home folks (all 500 of ’em!) after all.

Seattle beat the shit out of Cleveland. This surprised exactly no one. Same sentence re Vikings and Bears.

Green Bay and Aaron Rodgers are not ready to be confined to the dustbin of history just yet, and Oakland’s streak of knocking off division leaders ends at 1. I didn’t see as much of this one as I would have liked, having foolishly invested much of my soul in Donks/Stillers. I SHOULD KNOW BETTER.

David Johnson is an absolute beast, which is something I’ve been saying all season (I have the e-mails to prove it). Amongst all the Coach of the Year discussions, remember that Bruce Arians had him buried on the depth chart behind a guy off the street who hasn’t been good in like 5 years, and a guy that can’t handle more than like 15 carries a month without breaking. But his hats and glasses are so hipster-y! Ranting aside, at least the Panthers and Cardinals have enough balance and toughness to really give Satan’s besties a fight in the Super Bowl. JUST PRAY that one of ’em makes it that far (the byes will help). Daywalker Carson Palmer had a gross finger owie that NBC was determined to show us again and again and again, but he a’ight. The Iggles suck again.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

The Donks defied my prediction; they got their asses kicked for two quarters instead of the four that I foresaw.

ballsofsteelandfury

Who the hell taps out of that? Wimp!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Someone who is getting paid for female domination videos? Besides; take it easy on him: he may be getting pegged HARD later.

litre_cola

Great work Hippo, the Ben bathroom consent thing was excellent.

Spanky Datass

Wanna see Byron Jones neat knee trick?

https://vine.co/v/iKOtVIKbUDQ/embed

Spanky Datass

Should have gone with ‘trick knee’. *sigh*

Old School Zero

I think P*ts will be exposed during the playoffs one way or another. Fingers crossed we get schadenfreude day early this year.

I’d make a goodbye San Diego post, but I’m still not coming to grips with it.

ballsofsteelandfury

It pissed me off this weekend that they kept saying “last game”. There is no viable stadium in LA for 2016. Where the fuck are these teams supposed to play?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Rose Bowl. I know they already said no, but I bet they would host the Chargers.

ballsofsteelandfury

You’ve clearly forgotten Sarah’s posts on the ladies that do lunch.

No f’in way.

Horatio Cornblower

Look at it as they’re moving closer to Portland. They’re trying to make things more convenient for you!

ballsofsteelandfury

You can join us for a DFO Get-together!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hola, Gents. I missed all the football yesterday in favor of outdoor and other activities. Good call based on Bears-Vikes.

Chilling with the Comcast guy now, so gonna be either a great or rage-fueled day.

jjfozz

What is this “out-side” you speak of? How scary is it?

jjfozz

I knew there were bears out there. Luckily I watch The Office, and have taken copious notes from Dwight Schrute about how to deal with them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There are bears outside? THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SPENDING MY BEAR TAX ON???

jjfozz

Went to in laws yesterday to open presents, yes I missed a Ravens home game.

Well, not a game, but a contest to see what was harder to watch: Ravens D, Ravens O, Ravens Special Team, or those baby shit yellow pants.

So, I got a big bottle of Bulleit bourbon from my mom in law (YES!) and because I was hurting from the night before – see Open Night Thread for the Jets game – me and the bro in law put a dent in that bottle.

I still can’t understand how the NFL allows teams with losing records to host playoff games, making better teams travel.

ballsofsteelandfury

You were hilarious on that thread. Hope the morning after wasn’t too rough.

jjfozz

Woke up around 4 am, quaffed four ibuprofen, used hands to drink cold water from bathroom tap (which always makes me feel like I’m in a cowboy movie drinking from the town pump).

I am glad the tequila and Sunny D drink was vetoed by some part of my brain that was still intact. The last screwdriver I made myself was not a good idea.

Horatio Cornblower

I think the tequila and Sunny D idea was when we went from “Fozz is hilarious” to “Does anyone know where Fozz lives so we can call 911 before his wife and/or liver murder him”?

Glad you pulled through.

jjfozz

I think the most enjoyable part of drinking – besides being drunk – is when you reach the stage where you KNOW your next action is going to be stupid, but fun, and you make that decision to take that step, or not take it.

I’d say I’m 50-50 in good vs bad outcomes when that choice needs to be made.

Sill Bimmons

‘Round these parts we just call that “bourble.”

Doktor Zymm

I had a rather interesting Sunday, only watching portions of the late games, and listening to various other bits on the radio. I found it interesting that, in lieu of the visual, radio commentators really, really wanted to let you know how ugly the Ravens’ pants were. Also, I wasted a few minutes listening to some idiot talk about the 72 Dolphins, 07 Patriots and 15 Panthers. I’ll be spending this afternoon putting up “Missing” posters for all my brain cells that fled during that. Other point of interest, during the [*Redacted] s pre-game, one guy was like “Let’s face it, the Bills are losers and Rex Ryan is overrated.” And I laughed cause dude is a [*Redacted] s commentator and clearly has no self-awareness.

...

And let that be a lesson to you. Radio is awful and it’s the only thing I have aside from construction noise to listen to on the two hours a day I’m stuck in a car.

How I haven’t Thelma and Louise’d myself off an overpass, I don’t know.

jjfozz

I feel your pain. I have a game where I listen to what the announcer/caller/jackass DJ is going to say, and then fill in the rest of the sentence with something that is extremely twisted, lewd, and scary. Passes the time.

SonOfSpam

Radio is awful, but I believed Cuba Gooding as a halfwit.

Don T

The Panthers, Cards, Seahawks, and Packers could paste any non-Steelers AFC team right now. Now, if PIT would reach the playoffs, that would be something.

Lothar of the Hill People

Yeah, despite the rosy-looking records, the AFC is largely shit after the P*ts and the Bungles. And Cincy is on life support, even with AJ McCarron being cromulent.

And if New England keeps getting banged up, they’ll be easy pickings for AZ or Carolina in the Stupor Bowl. (It’s the Stupor Bowl because after Coldplay’s halftime show, everyone’s gonna be drunk or asleep)

entropy

A very good friend of mine is a huge Yinzer fan, and we talked yesterday after they beat the Donks. After a few minutes of half-assed congratulations on our teams’ respective wins, he says, “Yeah, I don’t think we will both be happy with the playoff field, because it’s either the Jets or the Steelers who are making it.”

I am not pleased with the accuracy of that statement. Although, if the Chefs would wake up and realize their season was supposed to end with Charles’ fifteen ACL tear, we might both enjoy at least one round of playoff football.

Don T

Actually, Steelers are in right now and have left @BAL and @CLE; Jets are out and have left NE and @BUF. Chiefs close out with CLE and OAK at home. No idea how it will play out, especially for the Jets.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Despite being guaranteed to finish without a winning record yet again, I’ve really enjoyed this Raiders season. I’ve checked out emotionally, but would check right back in again if they get to face the Chiefs with a chance to bump them out of the playoffs.

Horatio Cornblower

That kind of attitude will never bring Otto back.

Horatio Cornblower

I have a pretty good idea of how it will play out for the Jets. 10-6 and out of the play-offs. Which is too bad; they’re a fun team. Hopefully their fans will realize that they were supposed to go 3-13 and that Todd Bowles did a damn good job. But they’re Jets fans so they mostly won’t.

entropy

Oh, I am fully aware this Jets team is essentially the 2015 Mets: playing far above expectations and doing much better than anticipated (or that they have any right to), and yet that won’t stop the soul crushing when everything comes back down to earth. Bowles has done a fantastic job with this team, and I’m quite happy with the direction he’s taking.

Marshall and Decker are a great duo, making even mediocre at best Fitzpatrick shine, and I would very much like it if IK gets a $600 bonus from the team this holiday season.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Bring back Geno!

ballsofsteelandfury

Terry Bradshaw, of all people, declared in the Fox pregame show that the Steelers would get in the playoffs and win the Super Bowl.

SMDH

jjfozz

Here’s my dream road trip movie featuring NFL personalities, filmed by 10 different POV cameras. The car is a 1974 Cadillac:

Jerry Jones
Terry Bradshaw
Herm Edwards (smoking meth every other day)
Skip Bayless

Don T

I like it; could be called “The Road Less Thought”.

Duchess

Hijinks ensue when Terry Bradshaw takes all of Jerry Jones coke, because Jerry said it was just something to help him deal with social situations.

Horatio Cornblower

If this road trip ends the same way the road trip in ‘Thelma & Louise’ did you can consider my kids’ college funds donated to the Kickstarter campaign to make it happen.

That’s $68.73 closer to never hearing from Skip Bayless again.

...

I hereby declare each thread in on this post needs a Thelma and Louise reference.

Recovery Whiskey

I Seattle did just beat the Steelers a month ago. What changed?

Sill Bimmons

C-Hox were at the CLink so they won.

Stillers would have won that game had it been in Pittsburgh just like they would have lost yesterday had that game been in Denver.

Home field seems to matter most when good teams play each other.