Man, the Steelers are so, so fucked. No Le’Veon Bell, THE BEN can’t throw more than probably 10 yards, and now no Antonio Brown. Funny enough, all this destruction has come solely from Vontaze Burfict. I guess he’s the new Bernard Pollard of the league. Admittedly, though, [puts on hazmat suit to deflect all the rotten garbage about to be thrown my way] it’s nice to see folks other than Patriots players targeted in this way. I guess my Satanist rituals are still working. Still, even with the Broncos’ D as good as it is, they too have to deal with a Peyton who can’t throw and can’t run either. What I’m getting at here is that you should probably take the under on this game.

Anyways, I’ll be late to the watching party this weekend, but while I’m glad about New England healing up, the Chiefs make me nervous. 11 wins in a row ain’t nothing ta fuck wit’. I’ll try to keep the Asshole Pats fan to a minimum if I can. It’s the least I can do, I suppose.

Onto this week’s #content!

What’s up, Maestro?!?

Normally, when people say they are “asking for a friend”, it’s really about them.  This time, however, it’s true.  Those of you that know me personally know that I’m single and on the verge of a Hippo-like conversion to perpetual bachelorhood. This one is about my friend, P.

I’ve known P since middle school and he’s really the only person that I’ve stayed in touch with from high school.  I was a groomsman at his wedding.  We’ve gone on spring break trips together.  We’ve done Vegas trips together.  We’re close.

So, P has been married now for about 15 years and altogether with the same girl for about 20.  They have two kids.  And, like clockwork, every year or so since he’s been with her, he develops a crush on a different girl that he has met through work.  Some crushes have lasted longer than others but it always comes back to the same thing:  “I have these really good conversations with her!”,  “Like deep, you know?”, and “We talk all the time.”

Mind you, I always thought, and told him so at the time, that he was with his wife and ended up marrying her because he was on the rebound from another girl he had a thing with in college.  He did it anyway.  Now, he has these crushes but, here is the tricky part, he never actually acts on them. Well, that’s not really fair to say.  He never gets to the physical part, but he certainly engages them and pays them much attention. Which, of course, they eat up.  Have I mentioned he is super religious?  Problema numero uno.

Now, even Ray Charles can see that he married the wrong person and that, before he does anything stupid, he should try finding what he is looking for with her instead of others.  He has acknowledged that, though he is worried that she probably can’t give him what he gets from these other girls and he doesn’t want to divorce her.  Problema numero dos.

Have I mentioned that for the duration of their time together, each time that I ask him how the sex is, he says “Ok.”?  Never fantastic.  Never mindblowing. Never awesome. They hardly ever try any stuff that he’s interested in (Yes, that includes anal, but in the beginning, I swear to BLEERGH, it was blowjobs.  He was having problems getting a bj.)  Problema numero tres.

We meet up roughly every month or two and have a drink and he updates me on his life and vice versa.  90% of the conversation is him talking about the latest crush, me verbally kicking his ass and telling him that he needs to work on his marriage, and him saying “yeah, you’re right”.  Of course, nothing ever changes.  The other 10% is talking about me and my fucked-up love life, but that’s a letter for another time.

So, I ask you, what, if anything can be done here?  I love the guy like a brother and it bothers me that he’s stuck in this fucked-up loop, but I’m also aware that it’s his life and if he’s going to eventually lose everything because at some point he goes grab a drink with the girl and something happens that’s his problem and his decision. Which, btw, the latest crush has already asked him if he wants to grab a drink with her after work.  Oh, she’s married too.  So far he has come up with excuses not to go and this thing will probably fizzle out like the others.  But there’s always the next one and he always goes a little further with each one.

Thoughts?

Man, fuck. What really CAN you do here? I mean, you’ve acknowledged you’ve tried the verbal ass-kicking, repeated admonishment of his being a jackass, and nothing’s changed. The problem with folks like this is that nothing is honestly going to change until they desperately and truly want it to change. He’s gonna be his same old shitweasel self until something goes well and truly off the rails.

I get he’s a dear friend, and while we love our friends and hope that we can protect them from bad things happening to them, sometimes a dose of pain can sort things out in a hurry for them. If actively pursuing a crush and actually, God forbid, having his marriage fall to shambles as a result of things is what it takes to solve this guy’s dumbassery, then sometimes unfortunately you have to take a step back and let it happen. Come back afterwards, try and help him pick himself up and get straightened out, but unfortunately, I just feel like this is gonna have to be a learning experience for him to realize that his behaviour is unacceptable if he truly values his marriage. It’s a hard sell – you either honour the religious side of things and stick with the marriage and work on it, or you just have to plug your nose and jump with the realization that the initial pain is a necessary part of trying to make yourself a better person. He can’t have it both ways, sad to say.

The kids bit makes it even shittier for sure though. You always hate seeing kids hurt by when one or both of their parents is being a fuckwit. I’m just at a total loss of what else can be done though. Maybe our Commentists have some thoughts.

Hey,

Is it weird when parents post nude pictures of their infant children (i.e. like bathtime stuff) to the internet? Should I speak up and tell them that it weirds people out? I can’t be alone here.

Yeah, I’m with you here. These are the overinvolved parents who kids are going to grow up to DESPISE them for being serial oversharers of their family lives. Stop doing this. But it also complicates matters if you actually say something to them about it because then they get all huffy about it, and even more so if you don’t have kids of your own yet. So I feel like you’re better off just hitting the Mute button on Twitter or the Hide Post option on Facebook to stop having to deal with this overzealous shitassery. I don’t want baby dongs polluting my screen, especially if I’m at work.

How many receiving yards do you think DeAndre Hopkins manages next year if the Texans somehow manage to draft an actual QB instead of the Hoyer-Mallett-Yates-Weeden Hydra situation they had this year?

Just look at that list of names. How in the fuck did the Texans win the AFC South, even with every other team as shitty as they are? That’s appalling. At any rate, even if the Texans do draft a QB, you know they’re going with Christian Hackenberg, because HURR BILL O’BRIEN HURR PENN STATE PEDIGREE, etc. etc. And seeing as the guy barely survived his last year of college behind one of the shittiest O-lines ever, I’m not sold he’s actually even that much of an upgrade. So to answer the question above: it’ll probably be around the same. The Texans will be a QB Hydra for a little while yet, I’m pretty sure.

Ok so my q this week: better drunk food – chicken wings or pizza? There’s really only 2 spots available in my small town late at night so it always becomes a coin flip between my buds when we are hammered. 

The correct answer, of course, is putting the chicken wings on the pizza. Come on, you seriously haven’t considered it? Especially if there’s a boneless wing option available. Nothing to choke on when you’re scarfing that shit down.

The real answer, of course, is that if those are the only two options that are close by when you’re drunk, is that your town kinda sucks. I’m sorry, but it’s true. There’s no late-night diner anywhere? One that does 24-hour breakfast? Not a single even remotely passable burrito, etc. spot around? I’m pouring a drink out for you right now. You need more options. If I won the Powerball, I would’ve used some of the money to open up the ultimate drunk food spot in all major college towns across America, and then I would swim like Scrooge McDuck in my giant swimming pool filled with even more money.

Personally, the best drunk food I’ve ever encountered is the Pounair. For those unacquainted, this is a poutine (the Canadian delicacy of fries, cheese curds and gravy) that is topped with shaved donair meat (Lebanese beef) with lettuce, tomato, onion, garlic yoghurt sauce, and your choice of sweet & sour, BBQ or tzatziki sauce on top. For $10, you can order a thing that would be two meals’ worth of food – one for that night and then one for the next morning that you can reheat in the microwave when you’re hungover as shit. Can’t recommend this enough. It is a truly magical experience.

So enjoy that thought. I’m visiting my college town briefly tomorrow and am picking one up to bring home to watch football later on. I can’t fucking wait.

Cheers, all, and enjoy the games.

***

For all readers – if you have questions about fantasy football, your love life, or anything else going on, please send all inquiries to [email protected] or tweet The Maestro at @TSN_Jorts. The Mailbag will be published every Friday, pending enough submitted material (hint, hint…).