Your “OY! WHO’S UP FOR A HATE-WATCH, THEN?” AFC Championship Open Thread

Why must I be a football fan? It’s not a particularly pleasant hobby to have during this run of Pats dominance. I think this is their fifth straight appearance in this game. OOF! That’s tough to swallow. It’s not hard to envision myself in a simpler time. I can see it now. [screen goes all wavy wavy] Me and my buddies are just back from the hunt, having brought down a noble stag. There’s plenty of mead to be quaffed as we warm our balls by the large fire. It’s damn cold but there are smiles all round.

Soon talk centers on the threat from the East. The land- and power-hungry Quinnzealots have won a number of skirmishes with our neighbouring tribes and will be soon threatening our (The Allthatisgoodnauts) borders. Word has reached us that they are led by a charismatic warrior, Large Teeth. Some say that his successes are due to a shadowy black-robed druid that possesses uncanny powers that cloud the minds of those who oppose him. During battle one does not know where the Quinnzealots will attack from-when they come for you it could be from the left, perhaps the right, sometimes from the trees above, all without warning. Their small yet rabid foot soldiers buzz around one’s ankles so quickly that it is difficult to hit them with your sword. T’will be a difficult task to defeat them-that much is certain.

Well that’s just great. THE PATS DOMINATE MY ALTERNATE HISTORIES AS WELL. On to the game, I guess. The venerable Hippo could break this game down much better than I could so I’ll just toss some nougats (not nuggets!) out there. The Gronk has 6 TD’s in as many games against Denver but it’s something of a boom/bust thing. Three TD’s came in one tilt and he’s been held to as little as 35 yards in another. Brady is 2-6 in Denver over his career which bodes well for the Orange Horsies. Denver led the league with 52 sacks but in order to be successful they must get pressure from the middle of the line and not the edge because Brady lets go of the ball in just over two seconds on those quick hitters to the Amendolas and Edelmans of the receiving corps. Hochuli is the ref and we are blessed with Jim “Prominent Masters apologist and serial philanderer” Nance and Phil “safe to say Morehouse State didn’t have an Elocution elective” Seems. THERE IS GLORY IN TYPING…SO TYPE!!!

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Gronk…speak fucking English!!!!
-Tom Brady

jjfozz

Remind me, does Gronk know all his shapes and colors or just shapes?

ballsofsteelandfury

Boobs = circles

Moonbatting Average

He knows the colors “blonde”, “brunette”, and “redhead”

American Pie Story
litre_cola

Jay Feely is a fucking horrible addition to this car crash of a broadcast.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Agreed.”

– Rob Bironas

Doktor Zymm

Damn fine kick.

American Pie Story

Here’s your FG attempt

King Hippo

<3 McManus

jjfozz

Donks leaving way too many points on the table

makeitsnowondem

yeah

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The thought of something being left on the table just made Andy Reid cry.

ballsofsteelandfury

Same thing happened with Pittsburgh.

makeitsnowondem

Ugh, Sanders held up.

Gratliff

Marvin Harrison mention! The embargo is over!

Doktor Zymm

C’mon ponies, do a thing. You should be up by way more right now.

American Pie Story

Well that was almost a thing

jjfozz

I want to turn into a psychic vampire, and fly over Boston right now, and become as bloated and engorged as a Beluga whale on the angst and frustration emanating from that festering shithole of a town.

Dick E. Phuck

Pey-Pey’s got a bad motivator. Put in Osweiler.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

SOMEONE NEEDS MOTIVATION?

comment image

King Hippo

AFC West PRIDE!!!!

makeitsnowondem

I’d honestly take a field goal here.

King Hippo

sadly, I agree

American Pie Story

Too bad the Humps-Pats playoff games were never this good (except for that one we won)

King Hippo

giveup play WOO

Kungjitsu

Remember when Buddy Ryan whipped his ass? #GoodTimes

blackroseMD1

Good god Phil…that was a bad throw, not a throwaway. Get Brady’s dick out of your mouth and you’d see that.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah, but having it in there muffles his commentary, which is actually preferable.

Doktor Zymm

If at first you don’t succeed, give up and make a pouty face!

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

-Jay Cutler

Smithchez

“That’s not an inaccurate throw, he just missed the receiver by a yard on purpose.”

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The only thing the Surface is good for is making a wedge to fuck on.

ballsofsteelandfury

Schematic diagrams, please!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Make sure you top otherwise you might have a camera up your ass when you’re done.

ballsofsteelandfury

Won’t be the first time.

Doktor Zymm

“The defense is confusing him”

HAHAHAHA

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That disdainful flinging away of the football by Brady was positively Riversesque.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Oh my God was John Elway fuckable in those pants in the 80s!

He’s no Bubby Brister though! I used to call him “Buddy” Brister… man had an ass for dayssssss.

ballsofsteelandfury

That was probably his only redeeming quality.

Brick Meathook

MICROSOFT SURFACE!

American Pie Story

There’s your Surface commercial guys

King Hippo

pretty clear that if Denver is to get more points, the D has to run it in themselves

litre_cola

With legalization I would imagine the food at the Donks tailgate would be fantastic. Although I have never heard of the genre of Colorado BBQ.

ballsofsteelandfury

You ever had Rocky Mountain Oysters?

litre_cola

Sure have, lots of cowboys out here. Need a deep fryer though.

WCS

It’s a strain of sativa.

Kungjitsu

Do they have trees other than pine?

King Hippo

those PTA bake sales…

Brick Meathook

It’s all chips and cookies

jjfozz

Amy Schumer is about as funny as a nursery being napalmed

Old School Zero

NSZ just laughed…

Fronkenshteen

So great to see her getting called out for stealing jokes now.

Redshirt

Come on, D. Let’s get a hat trick!!!

The Maestro

Steven Jackson is not the answer. Stop this shitassery.

Old School Zero

“Oh, sure, you say that NOW…”

–St. Louis

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Necessary player clearing iffy concussion protocol?

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

ballsofsteelandfury

I was told there would be no math

Fronkenshteen

Which player?

/watching on mute

Redshirt

Pat OL #61

Fronkenshteen

Shanksh!

Kungjitsu

Daniels: Um, stop throwing it to guys in orange

Brady: Fuck you, Josh! You’re not my dad!

jjfozz

My wife is making meatballs. I am debating if I should start the whole frying vs baking method of making them.

Spur

Let’s go Denver D. Time to make Brady cry again.

rockingdog

Defense wins championships?

Defensive Back Mike Wallace

You misspelled Von Miller

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t hit me in the fucking neck.
-Peyton Manning
(I am in favor of equal time for the over the hill gang…in spite of rooting for Denver today)

ballsofsteelandfury

Not in the face!

– Brady

Kungjitsu

I wouldn’t mind seeing Garapolo and Osweiller finish this game.

blackroseMD1

Manningface alert!

fleshwound_NPG

Neither team is going to do shit in two weeks.

Dunstan

As much as I’m enjoying the Bradyceptions, it would sure be nice if the Donks could get more than a 5-point lead. I’m already getting visions of a last-minute touchdown that gets Brady praised for leading his team to a gritty 16-14 win.

ballsofsteelandfury

This

Brocky

Dreamboatception 2: I’m too excited to think of a title bugaloo

Old School Zero

Okay, the one early chore I needed to do is done. Time to sit and watch some damn football and open a beer.

Sierra Nevada Beer Camp Tropical IPA. So far, quite interesting.

makeitsnowondem

That one’s good.

Old School Zero

It’s a little bitter for my girlfriend, but she does taste all the tropical flavors. I like it quite a bit.

King Hippo

Now you fucking listen to me, Denver. You can’t go into halftime with 2 DreamboatCEPTIONS only up 14-9. Stick this up their asses for 7, come out and open the 3rd quarter for 7 more. THEN we can talk.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I remember sticking something up a certain QB’s ass for 7k, yesss…

The Maestro

i am ready to blow my brains out

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Can you share that dedication with your fellow Pats fans in this bar?

ThePirateSloth

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Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Usually when Bradys are this disoriented it involves Maureen McCormick and Eve Plumb scissor-fucking on set.

Brick Meathook

I LIKE THAT IMAGE

ballsofsteelandfury

So good.

Dunstan

I’ll be in my bunk.

Redshirt

(If of legal age) Pictures or it didn’t happen!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Marsha….Marsha….MARSHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Redshirt

“I should feel sorry for Brady. I don’t, but I probably should.” -my dad

Dick E. Phuck

Who the fuck watches the grammy’s?

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