Hard Ride To Nowhere (Chapter 21)

Beastmode Ate My Baby

Beastmode Ate My Baby

A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986.Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio.He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world’s largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.
Beastmode Ate My Baby

The scene: The DFO clubhouse. It looks deserted, except for Darkest Timeline Zach Morris, still happily comatose and clad in a vintage John Travolta white disco suit, standing near the bar.

Doktor Zymm (peaking out of her lab): Hello…? Vere ist everyone? Hmm…

Doktor Zymm ducks back into her lab, then appears seconds later, sliding across the floor in her socks.

Doktor Zymm (her lab coat flapping as she slides): Veeeeeeeee!

As she slides past the TV, Doktor Zymm notices several sticky notes stuck to it.

Doktor Zymm (grabbing the notes): Zo! Maybe zese vill tell me zomezing.

Doktor Zymm reads the notes.

Doktor Zymm: “Gone to Vegas vith Mooze und Marc. Back zoon. OSZ.” Vell, zo long as zey are good boyz… Ach! Vat are ze odds of zat? Zis one ist from Covalent Blonde…”Following idiots to Vegas. I’ll keep zem out of trouble.” Vell, good luck mit zat! Hmm…”Help! Kidnapped by Covalent Blonde! P.S. Please feed my cat. Y.R.” I did not know Yeah Right has die kitty! “If not back by April, please tape WrestleMania. Redshirt.” Ja, ja, I vas goink to vatch zat myzelf. “Arr. Pirate Zloth.” Always to ze point!

There’s a knock on the front door. Doktor Zymm slides over and opens it, to find Low Commander of the Super Soldiers standing outside in his silver jumpsuit.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Doktor Zymm! Err, I mean… Greetings, fellow citizen of the 21st century! Gosh, great weather we’re having! Have you seen a rather largish fellow in sunglasses?

Doktor Zymm: Zo…you are from ze future.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Wha-at? No! I’m not from the future! What gave you that idea?

Doktor Zymm: Vell, ze zilver jumpzuit ist eine dead giveaway.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (looking at his jumpsuit): No! It’s… I’m, um…Canadian?

Doktor Zymm: All right, zen…who ist der Canadian Prime Minister?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (surreptitiously looking at his techno-doohickey): Umm…Garry Trudeau?

Doktor Zymm: Close, but nein. Zo, you are from ze future, und you are looking for Mooze.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (shaking his techno-doohickey in frustration): Frek! These things always have problems with temporal fluctuations…I mean, when you cross the border.

Doktor Zymm: Give it up.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Ah, frek! The Empress is not going to be happy with me…

Cut to: The basement of the Angry Girl Scout’s house. Ballsofsteelandfury, still in the grip of a Chinese finger puzzle, is trying to wake up JJ Fozz, Lord Revisisle and Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, come on, guys! Wake up!

JJ Fozz (coming to): Ugh…stop shouting, dumbass. My head is killing me.

Lord Revisisle (also waking up): Where the heck are we?

JJ Fozz: The last thing I remember was that girl at the door…

Ballsofsteelandfury: She’s the one who kidnapped me! Then she…she did this

Ballsofsteelandfury holds up his trapped fingers.

JJ Fozz (rolling his eyes): Oh, for…

JJ Fozz grabs the Chinese finger puzzle, then pulls out Ballsofsteelandfury’s fingers.

Ballsofsteelandfury: I’m free!

Ballsofsteelandfury shoots his finger guns.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Oh, yeah!

JJ Fozz (to Lord Revisisle): I shouldn’t have freed him.

Lord Reisisle: Balls, just what is going on here?

Ballsofsteelandfury: I have no idea. Really. I was at the DFO clubhouse, then there were allegations of cookie fraud, and there was a bus and a flagpole and…then I ended up here.

JJ Fozz: Well, that doesn’t help at all.

Ballsofsteelandfury: At least you guys came to rescue me! I really appreciate it.

JJ Fozz: Well, we weren’t going to let someone else kick your dumb ass. That’s my job.

Lord Revisisle (spotting the door): Hey, there’s a way out of here!

Lord Revisisle tries the doorknob, but it’s locked.

Lord Revisisle: Welp, I tried.

JJ Fozz: Good lord, you Revisiles really are quitters. Move your ass, I’ll open that door.

[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

The Angry Girl Scout stands in the doorway, glaring menacingly at the DFOers.

JJ Fozz: You! Look, kid, I’m getting tired of getting jerked around here. You let us out of this basement, or…

The Angry Girl Scout casually waves a hand at JJ Fozz and he’s sent flying across the room, where he lands on the still-unconscious Rikki-Tikki-Deadly.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Whoa!

JJ Fozz: What the hell…?

Angry Girl Scout: Now that I have your attention…

Lord Revisisle: You okay, Fozz?

JJ Fozz: I’m fine. Rikki’s surprisingly soft.

Ballsofsteelandfury (finger guns): Can’t keep the Fozz down!

Angry Girl Scout (glaring even more menacingly): As I was saying…

Lord Revisisle: I’m feeling a bit soft after our trip, too. I’ve really gotta get back to the gym this week.

The Angry Girl Scout clears her throat…angrily.

JJ Fozz: No kidding! All that rich food and alcohol really hits the ol’ waistline.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, we should do a Gym Day! You know…make a day every week where we go to the gym together.

Lord Revisisle: That’s not a bad idea.

JJ Fozz: Have to admit, even a dumbass can be right occassionally.

Angry Girl Scout: If you’re done…

Ballsofsteelandfury: How about Tuesdays? That’s a good day for me.

JJ Fozz: Not me. I was thinking of Monday. You know, start the week off right.

Lord Revisisle: That’ll work until September. MNF, remember?

JJ Fozz: Those games are crap!

Ballsofsteelandfury: How about Wednes…

Angry Girl Scout (raging): ENOUGH!!!

The basement gets darker and noticeably colder, and a gust of air sweeps through the room.

Angry Girl Scout: You guys really push my buttons, you know that? Well, no more playing nice…now I’m gonna get serious.

Thunder crashes and the wind swirls around the DFOers.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shouting to be heard above the din): Are Fridays out…?

To be continued…

 

Beastmode Ate My Baby
Beastmode Ate My Baby
A frequent guest-star on the award-winning seventeenth season of Here Come the Brides as well as Petticoat Junction: The Outlaw Years, Vic Darlington was arrested in Miami for poodle smuggling in 1986. Fleeing to the United States to avoid prosecution, he worked as a delivery boy for Señor Pizza until finding a steady gig as the bassist for the Johnny Zed Power Trio. He currently lives in North Hollywood with his trophy wife, two meerkats and the world's largest collection of second-hand bowling trophies.

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ThePirateSloth
ThePirateSloth

There’s a plethora of meanings behind Arr, and I know Ze Dok is S-M-R-T enough to know what I’m saying, but sometimes a man’s gotta Arrrrrrrrrrr…

…ticulate what he means. This was not one of those times.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Quit being so fucking coy about Application Request Routing. It looks bad on you.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

What the freking frek?!

/Plays with techno-doohickey

According to the thing I wear on my waist, this time’s temporal proximity to Philip Rivers when not going full Marmalard seems to be overriding my ability to swear, dagnubbit! This is bull pucky!

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Is it wrong and/or unusual that I can’t read this without Red Forman’s voice in my head for JJFozz?

theeWeeBabySeamus

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nomonkeyfun

I do that with every comment Fozz makes.
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blaxabbath

I end every Fozz comment with, “…you dumbass.”

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jjfozz

My voice when angry has been described as “very New York sounding even though you’re from Baltimore” and “East Baltimore” when I’m in berserker mode.

Also, I am accused of mumbling and talking too fast.

Enrico Pallazzo

When you are Aaron Rodgers, every day can be a Jim Day!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you are Cam Newton, every day can be Bye Felicia Day!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

When you’re Jim Tomsula, every day can be a camping day!

monty this seems strange to me

When you are Phil Simms, Sunday is JEEEEEEM Day!

Horatio Cornblower

You idiots let me know when you figure out when Gym Day will be; I’ve got a gorilla who can clear the place out so we don’t have to wait for any equipment.

monty this seems strange to me

I figured the DFO Clubhouse would have its own workout room.

Doktor Zymm

It does, but you have to walk through the indoor pool to get there, and SOMEONE put a giant tentacle monster in there.

laserguru

Moose!!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That wasn’t me; mine was in a ………………different place.

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HMQtH8oOfU4/TfqqXbplT9I/AAAAAAAABlo/0xDcThQPsJo/s1600/Octopus1.JPG

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Old School Zero

DAMNIT BALLS!

jjfozz

Fridays are out for Gym Day, I can’t lift weights while holding a tumbler of bourbon.

Doktor Zymm

Yay, I get to cat sit!

laserguru

It’s true.
I really do love kitties.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

HEY! I’m not a… Oh.

Doktor Zymm

It’s possible Jay Cutler is not the only feline in the NFL.
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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Off topic:

I’m captive while I wait for my car to get serviced, and what do they have blaring on the tv? First take. Dear fucking lord, it’s worse than I remember.

Horatio Cornblower

Are your fingers stuck in a Chinese finger trap? Get up and change the channel.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

There are people watching it… :shudder:

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I put in my earbuds and am blasting the pixies. The risk of not hearing my name called when my car is ready is worth it.

theeWeeBabySeamus

They’ll find ya if they wanna get paid.

blaxabbath

This is so much better than The Goldbergs.

ballsofsteelandfury

To be fair, Gym Day is a GREAT idea!

I think Sundays are free for a while…

Doktor Zymm

If you go to one of those fancy gyms with tvs on the treadmills, you could watch MNF on those!

jjfozz

And comment at the same time? How many hands does this man have?

monty this seems strange to me

THAT’S NOT HIS HAND

Doktor Zymm

Put the booze in a camelback, comment with voice recognition and a bluetooth headset. Then you still have both hands free to adjust the treadmill, or even FINGERGUNS!

ballsofsteelandfury

This would all be way too efficient for my ass…

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Said your proctologist.